[takingtheplunge]

Thank you (most of you) for your advice.

To Oceans and Thanksgiving Mom.
Perhaps I am being too senstivie, but I resent Oceans stating that I am endangering my unborn child by being high risk and preg. Are you a doctor? My doc told me a story about a girl who had 9 miscarraiges before having a successful pregnancy, and he encouraged me to keep trying after my 3rd miscarraige. Perhaps if I am endangering its life, CPS should take away my fetus and find a foster womb for it.

In regards to Thanksgiving mom who equates this with me trying to "dupe" parents. Come on! I am NOT soliciting someone to give me their child under false pretenses. I offered my civil service by going through foster parent classes, and I am willing and able to adopt in a large drug infested county that really needs foster and adoptive parents. You act as if I got arrested, got AIDS, got divorced or lost my job or something. I would love to put my assets, heart, home, and ability to parent up on any pedestal for review. I am more than a fit parent.

By the way, I haven't even told my dad and older sister I am preg. yet. I certainly haven't told my work. Have you ever been preg and lost a baby? It sucks when you have happily told people you are preg and then, bam. You aren't one day. And people around you feel awkward when they ask, "how's the pregnancy going," and you respond, "it's not."

And, no, the stress of an unborn child won't affect my parenting nor has stress been an issue with why I misscarry.

What was I hoping for by posting? I don't know, maybe a "congratulations." "Hang in there." "Wait one more month to see if the preg. goes well and then tell." And, yes, I was wanting advice from a social worker (which I believe one did post back), about whether I would be on hold or if they evaluate case by case.

I certainly didn't think anyone would call me a liar and a parent duper.

[FullQuiverMamma]

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!

I can see your discomfort with this situation. I struggle with it myself. The county foster system does interfere with a lot of privacy and freedoms that non adoptive parents never see. It is almost like when you sign on the dotted line, you give over a lot of your parenting ideals and beter judgment of how to run your family. However, you did agree to follow their rules, and if this pregnancy should actually end in miscarriage, you don't want to jeopardize the future relationship you have with them. If the pregnancy sticks, you will have to tell them, but just keep updating your homestudy and your licensing and you can preserve what you have already invested.

Honestly, having a bio child is huge, and you will like having the year to deal with your body, your hormones and, your newborn. As a busy mommy, a year will go by quickly.

Oh, and I did read about that Nebraska case - scary.

Don't cut off your foot....

fqm

[blessedbybug]

This definitely is not a don't ask-don't tell situation. If it were me, I would be up front with your present situation and let them decide. I wouldn't want the stress of withholding this vital information about the present state of your health and family.

Think about this logically. A placement from foster care takes time and even if you are matched and a child is placed in your family while you are pregnant, and you don't tell them, well, when new babe is born, they'll know. In fact, since you're almost in the 2nd trimester, you won't be able to hide it much longer. Foster care placements involve regular visits with social workers. It's not like they're not going to know in the very near future. And I think it would be more heartbreaking, at least for me, to have a placement and then that child removed because they determine that your home is no longer the best place for this child. And they could determine that not because you withheld information, but because for the specific child they matched you with, you are no longer the best placement. The fact is that in the foster care and adoption environment, you won't have the same freedoms as you would if you were adding to your family only biologically. That's just the way it is.

I can only speak from my limited experience preparing to foster-adopt. We never had the privilege of adding a child this way because both our children came through private agency placements, but from what I know, the 'matching' happens based on what they know NOW about the situation. They are trying to find THE BEST HOME for a child, not find children to go into families who want them, and if they determine that a certain child would be a good placement for you because of the situation that they know, they may not say the same thing once they find out you are pregnant or that you have a new baby, and they will find out, that you have withheld information about your situation from them. And I do know that at least in my experience, the social workers work hard and take time to find the right match. IMO it would be wasting THEIR time in doing their job if they don't have all the information to make the best decision for a child they are trying to place.

I'm not here to say you couldn't do it, you may very well be able to handle it all at once (I know I couldn't... I'm a one thing at a time kind of person; I would not be able to handle an older child placement and a high-risk pregnency; we were asked to foster-adopt one of DD's sibs the first month after DS was born and no matter what my heart said, my body and spirit couldn't handle that, and it wouldn't have been the best situation for ANY of the kids) but there is a reality that the social workers live in, and it has to do focusing their work on finding the best place for a child who has already been through alot, to have as highly intentional a plan when it comes to placing a child from foster care. And maybe, with your present situation, they wouldn't put you on hold (they might...) but they would change the way they matched, look at different children knowing that there will be a new baby in the home soon.

I have lost a child through miscarriage. I do know what that feels like. It hurts. It is a real loss. And it takes time to deal with. And I have to say that I agree with this agency's policy on waiting. It wasn't until more than six months after my loss that I fully felt and then actually started to grieve my loss. It would have been a hard thing on me and any child that might have been placed with us (and we were waiting for a homestudy through Children's Services at that time... if they would have contacted me, I would have had to say I wasn't ready). Very hard. And I also understand the waiting a year after adding to your family, either through birth or adoption. This is pretty standard I think. It was for all the agencies we worked with. It was not to keep us from adding more kids to our family but to give us time and space outside of the stress of adoption/fostering/etc to adjust to being the family we are, to our present situation. And in the end, with every change to your family, the homestudy has to be updated to reflect that.

If you are trying to 'cover your bases' if you miscarry, I completely understand why your heart, that desires to parent, wants to do that. But in the end, I can't imagine how withholding this information from the social workers would benefit anyone, most especially the child, and yes, even you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope all goes well...

[thanksgivingmom]

Taking....I'm sorry you're misunderstanding...I tried to empathize and say that yes, this sucks.

I do congratulate you on your pregnancy. I do hope that your pregnancy results in a wonderful, beautiful, happy and most importantly healthy child. I truly do.

I can also at the same time hope that your adoption experience is an honest one.

I wasn't trying to equate you with anyone, just that when we justify lies, even by omission, it's a slipperly slope.

Again, I'm sorry that you're in pain and I do wish you the best during your pregnancy.

[musemoon]

Taking the plunge....

First of all I adopted through the foster care system and here are my thoughts....

1) Congratulations on your pregnancy. Yippeeee! Most adoptive parents (but not me :-) really wished they could have experienced the joys of pregnancy. So enjoy every minute with your unborn child. Focus your love and and energy on giving them all you can to help them make it through the pregnancy. This is not to say that you have anything to do with the fact that some children miscarry, this is to say, send your baby your love and ALL of your mothering engery to your unborn child. You are already a mother!

2) Please tell your agency that you are pregnant. I have a sw and I am waiting for my next child. (well not waiting yet, but almost) they have a rule that I can't run a small (4 child) daycare from my home (which after the screen writer's strike, I am considering doing to stay with my daughter and have a source of stable income), so I have a choice I can tell my social worker (which I did) and have her ask her supervisor (which she is going to do) to make an exception for me. This may or may not work out. If it doesn't I need to start the process again somewhere else (heartbreaking!!!! really!) You can share your concerns about miscarriage and your willingness to parent two children and they may make an exception. It happens all the time especially in foster care.

3) adoptive parenting and bio parenting are different in one way. While I could absolutely never love a child more than my daughter whom I adopted, those first few months with her was a very important bonding time where I wrapped my head around adoption and loving my child. There are so many emotions in foster adoption, a lot of the children still see thier birth parents and their birth parents still have a chance to work their plan and be reunited with their child. They may or may not have drug exposure which includes a much more intesive healing kind of parenting, they may be a different race, which only means learning about their culture, skin and hair and creating a new blended racial identity for yourself and your family. Then there is the fact that this is still another person's child and will always be another person's child as well as yours. All of these emotions factor into the bonding process with a new born adoptive child and there are more emotions if the child is older.....so I am saying this to say....you may want to wait. It's not that you will not be adopting, you will be, but wait to give your bio child (whom you are bonding with now) and your adoptive child the space, time and love that each will need to have the best and most beautiful start in life. Your adoption journey is not over....but since your mothering journey has begun....enjoy the ride...don't assume that you will lose your bio child, focus on their health and well being and love them now....your adoptive child will be there just believe!

[Daisy1339]

Take the plunge -

I hope all is well with you!

I can completely relate to what I think you are trying to convey. I think your questions and feelings are perfectly reasonable. Furthermore, if any one on this thread was in your situation, they would have been thinking, even if only for a split second, about looking for a loop hole or validation, too. And if they say they wouldn't, then they aren't being honest. It is a true human response and you are not a dishonest person for asking or looking for advice about it!

I understand the fear of delaying what you want so badly. My husband and I endured 8 inseminations and 5 invitro fertilizations. That being said, if I were in your shoes and was dealing with feelings of joy about being pregnant, while fearing being placed at the bottom of the list, I'd totally be looking for a way to make it work.

I can't honestly say WHAT I'd do. I think it's a horrible irony that you are in this situation. It's both horrible AND wonderful, all at once.

So.....with all that said......I really and truly believe that you need to tell them if you get a call with a match BEFORE your first trimester is safely over, because it's the right thing to do. When you make it through your third trimester and you still haven't been called with a match, you DEFINATELY should call and tell them about your blessing.

I understand ( everyone on here does! ) your great desire to be parents. But, you know deep down, the county doesn't have that rule because they think pregnant women are unfit. You have to know that isn't what that rule is saying, don't you? I think you're frustrated with the situation and that's why you're perception is "going there". I can see why it would feel like an attack against your character, but it just isn't rational to think they are saying that about pregnant women. I think you'd remember the worker saying something like that to you and I doubt you'd let her imply it without challenging her on the spot.

Be well !!!!! Enjoy your pregnancy !!

One more thing.... I didn't understand Ocean's post about you endangering your baby because it's a high risk pregnancy, either. I'm guessing she had a point, but I couldn't find the connection....
I really wish she would come back and explain, because I don't think she meant to hurt you, either.

Best Wishes to you!!!!

[Oceans]

One more thing.... I didn't understand Ocean's post about you endangering your baby because it's a high risk pregnancy, either.

I was pointing out the connection with the Nebraska case we had been referring to earlier. The stories are similar in that the aparents did not disclose they were pregnant and accepted a placement. Denied:1up! Software Once the agency found out about the pregnancy, they wanted to disrupt the adoption. Within 24 hours of receiving that news, the amom (who had been to the Dr. with a clean bill of health the day before) was airlifted to the hospital where she eventually delivered approx. 2 months prematurely (can’t remember exactly). The afamily blamed the stress of the disruption for causing her to deliver early. Thankfully the baby was OK but he spent several months in the NICU as a result.

That was my point, I should have provided the link in my earlier post. I’m glad stress is not an issue in this case and sincerely hope everything works out for all concerned...


** Not sure if the above link will work - If not, google this: "Verdigre couple fight to keep baby" including the quotes...

[Daisy1339]

Thanks for explaining!

Too many good threats can turn bad when statements are taken way out of context! I've learned from posting on message boards in general that just about any post can be taken negatively. It helps to give people the benefit of the doubt and just ask what they really meant.

Take care!

[Daisy1339]

I meant to type "too many good THREADS" not "too many good THREATS" !!!

It won't let me edit my old post.

- - Maureen

[takingtheplunge]

I doubt anyone is still reading this thread, but I thought I would update you. Last weekend family came down and my mom let it slip to an aunt that I am PG. I finally gave in, thinking that I was somewhat safe at 12 weeks and started telling more people. Bad mistake.

My doc visit this Wed. did not go well at all. I discovered the fetus must have died at around 10-11 weeks. Right now, they don't know why. They will do further testing on the product when I go tomorrow for the dreaded D&C.

Day one of the news I cried my eyes out. But today when I went to get pre-op tests, I didn't cry. Everyone told me how sorry they were, and all I could say is "Don't worry about me. I will have a family someday -- though adoption or natural." And I meant it. Last time I had a miscarriage it was before we thought about adoption and the loss I felt seemed like a heavy black hole. Now, I do not feel as horrible as in the past, and I know that is because I hold hope that some how the greater plan is for me to be matched with children in need. I keep hearing the verse "I will not leave you as orphans" running through my head, and that keeps me strong.

I remain resolved in my decision not to tell CPS I was preg while in the first tri-mester, and I am glad I did because I am ready to take a kid tomorrow. My love to give a kid does not end because a life in me ended.

Am I jealous of a friend who is pregnant after only two months of trying? Sure. I know I am going to hate to be around her for a while, but I can only look forward.

On a side note, my husband and I talked about using safe sex methods until we are matched since we are in matching now, but it doesn't mean that we are giving up trying to conceive altogether. Perhaps that will wait for 6 mo. to a year after adoption.

[TxMom65]

I'm sorry to hear about your baby. You will be in my prayers.

[browneyes0707]

I am sorry to read this. There are no words.

[musemoon]

Sorry for your loss :-(

[MassachusettsMom]

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

[athikers]

I'm sorry.