[lizfriz]

Picture this you’re a child and you have just been taken out of the only world you know….then your brought into a strange home you never met these people and your suppose to call this place home. You don’t know how to act, what am I suppose to do? DO I go downstairs and hang with the family or do I stay in my room? I am a little hungry what do I do? These people can’t be real, where's the ramon noodles? the type of family you only could dream about. Your becoming the type of person you used to hate, only because you thought you would never be able to have the things that you are getting now. Your wildest dreams are becoming a reality. Now you have someone that believes you can do anything you want. Your starting to get comfortable with your new life, the whole new family and their tradition, something that you never had. Your starting to lose that drowning feeling that you’ve had for a little while now, then all of a sudden the state comes back and makes another decision without even discussing it with the child. The child is not in danger in the home that she is in, the child is not a danger to the home but no one cares what she thinks.

Now you have the younger sibling who has been thrown into a ceiling fan the only type of attention he gets is physical abuse. He is also in this home where dinner is cooked, he has underwear, showers, he learns to pray and to love. He sleeps under sheets in pajamas, breakfast every morning and gets attention without crying. He’s getting over that fear of everything, in just a short period of time.

Without discussing the situation with the foster family, seeing if everything is ok, the phone call comes. The kids are being moved, we don’t feel your house is appropriate for one reason or another.

The kids are being moved and that’s that.

The little boy tries to pray to Jesus but is not sure how because he has never prayed before, the girl just stares out into space. They don’t want to go to another foster home. They have no choice, like they had no choice when they were taken out of their home. They have a feeling of hopelessness, no one cares but the foster mom but she has no control over the state.

The morning comes when they have to leave, the little boy can’t eat his breakfast because he doesn’t want to leave. The girl has no reaction, just another normal day for her.

[pez collector]

In our foster care training classes, we were told that they never move children. If they have to, it is because the foster parent requests it.

[DianeScraps]

Sorry, pez, they lied.

Too many kids are moved. They find 'rules' they make up some others, but many, many foster kids are moved.

[pez collector]

Diane-

I knew that they were lying and it was very difficult not to say anything! This was one of the many things that they did not tell truthfully.

[pez collector]

Diane-

Congratulations, I just read that you are finalizing on 7/11.

[lizfriz]

they moved these kids to a home that locks up the food and they all have to be in thier bedrooms at 8 pm and stay thier or the alarm goes off...its a kid farm about 10 of them.

[stevenstwin]

It's so hard to judge without knowing all the details on both sides. I really believe that in most cases they ARE trying to put the kids first. I see a lot of bitterness on this board - maybe it is different where I live or maybe I don't have enough experience. But I have to say that all my frustration and anger so far comes from the COURT system, which gives the parents WAY to many chances. I've seen only good motivations (although occasionally poor follow through) on the part of the social workers. It must be so hard to always know the "right" thing to do without a crystal ball :-(

[DianeScraps]

Thanks Pez

we are soooooo excited!

The girls are extra lucky, a friend finalizes 7/5 and we are going that day (same court, judge, etc) so they can see what happens before their own big day

Diane

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Unfortunately this is entirely TOO true! We just accepted placement of 2 little girls yesterday. We are their 5th placement. Truth be told, their last place was TERRIBLE!!! The foster mother wrote me a 3 1/2 page list of EVERYTHING they did wron in the 3 months they were in her prison!! For example:

1. The children were to count out 4 squares of toilet paper and use no more than that each time they went to the restroom.

2. She carried around a pen at all times so that she could keep a tally on her hand of each time they misbehaved and after XX amount of tally's they spent XX time in the "sitting chair".

3. They were only allowed to sit in certain chairs for meals...and not the nice ones...in case they had an accident.

4. Should they have an accident they had to wear a diaper for the rest of the day and they entire day after. (They are 6 and 8)

5. They had to write the commandments out 100 times when they misbehaved...depending on which commandment they violated.

The list goes on!! There were more than 30 items listed. I am handing it over to the CW who is giving it to her licensor...oh how I home she loses her license!! Do the kids have issues?? Sure...but who wouldn't?

[Gryph]

The system seems more driven by threat of law suit or federal investigation than anything.

About the locked doors. This is common in the larger group homes. It's the opposite here. I put only closet door knobs on their rooms so that I can entire if I feel that I should. There are rules about knocking and being admitted that I honor unless there is good reason. Only the adults can lock their doors. this includes an adult bio-daughter and adult adopted son.

There are ocasions when we alarm doors. We accept boys accused of sexual offenses. Most are greatly exaggerated or simply not true. Every now and then, one is very true. We'll alarm his room at night. He can still come out, it's just that he won't be able to sneak out - as these guys always do.

We won't keep the true blue sexual predators, only long enough to find another placement that will "treat" them. I personally believe there is no "cure." At best, they can teach them some boundaries. For the 15-yr-old who lived and breathed and dreamed of offending on 4-yr-old boys, the best you can do is to teach him that if he offends, he'll go to jail. I believe he'll offend many more times. All they can do is contain him. Even with one person devoting his entire attention to prevent him from offending, he still looks for ways to sneak by.

[scandi]

As a CP worker in my state - our county tries really hard to not move kids from home to home. And when we do move them we better be able to explain ourselves and the reasons why they are to be moved. Many times it is the home has requested the move because the behaviors have gotten to be too much for them to handle. We have some awesome homes and they do put up with way more than the "average bear" would. However, there have been times when I, myself have requested the move of a children because there are issues within the home and it is no longer in the child's best interest to stay there. Usually, it is because the home has become burnt out or their expectations of the child (and their issues) have become unrealistic. Unfortuanately sometimes it is because they have taken on too much adoption, foster care, outside job, home, etc and the foster children are the ones losing out on the stable home environment. Some homes can handle all of these things but some can not.


As an adoptive parent my oldest son was in 5 placements prior to mine - he was almost 7 when placed with me and 2 when placed in foster care. He was abused (physical in one, emotional in the other) in 2 of those homes including the last one that he was in.

My soon to be youngest son has had only 2 homes with one disrupted adoptive placement (lasted 10 days). He is 4 1/2 and was placed at 6 months. He was moved from the first home because of his behavior. He was 1 1/2 years old. As an adoptive parent and social worker I do have a hard time understanding how a 1 1/2 year old can have that bad of behavior to warrant a move to another home. But then again I wasn't there. I can only assume.

just my experience

[Gryph]

Last summer, I had the experience of being a "Case Practice Reviewer" for the Concord, NH District Office. Even with many years of fostering, police and teaching experience, this was the best spent week I ever had. I was the only one not on the state pay roll. We compared case practices to federal guidelines. The toughest guidelines to meet are the limited moves, maintained in the community, and time limits. Courts and the legal requirements make the time constraints impossible.

It was so refreshing for me to see many positive outcomes and some truly fantastic social work. Some of the best results (adoption, reunification) went beyond the time limit but was necessary to make it work. In one adoption case, the foster parent adopted two but was first very much against it in the beginning. They took the children from a previously failed adoption. When the parents decided, they wanted their grown son to be prepared to take the children if something should happen to them. This took three years. It still brings tears to my eyes as I recall the interview with the mother and daughter.

Reunification took an extra long time for one young couple as they successfully completed the requirements for parenting, employment and living arrangement. They separated, got back together, then married. The strength of their commitment was also evident in this interview.

The tough cases were the children whose parents would only partially complete programs and remained on their addictions. The children were constantly let down and acted up. As a case practice reviewer, I found little documentation about the failed placements. There were a few telephone calls but the official record was often "foster parent request," nothing more. It was impossible to determine whether services were considered to prevent the move.

With our 19 years of fostering troubled teenaged boys, we've had some with more than 30 placements. Our first adopted son is one of these. He came to us as a 10-day placement until a bed became available at another group home. After 3 days, we asked the social worker to wait on the move. At 8 months, our typical time, his behavior became so bad that a move was being considered by the agency. We started the adoption and the agency backed off and celebrated with us the adoption of the now 17-yr-old. It hasn't been and still isn't an easy road now that he is a young adult.

These kids need this commitment. They need a family that will be with them well unto adulthood. Group homes can't do that. Even the private agencies who protend to be the elite, cannot do it without the foster/adoptive parents.

We have always felt that more can be done using foster parents as mentors. Even when the agency tries, so many foster parents feel inadequate to ask for help or advice. Here's where the social woprker can be most effective with a presence of this not only being OK, it is expected.

[hotspice58]

stevenstwin: same here. Biological parents are given way too many chances. But I think DSS "tries" to look out for the kids.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by hotspice58

stevenstwin: same here. Biological parents are given way too many chances.

Just wanted to point out that this is a pretty sweeping generalization. Please remember that generalizations especially the one you've made above is pretty offensive. Clumping all birthparents together into the same pot is not cool. Just as it would not be cool to do so with all adoptive parents, etc.

Thanks

[madfostermomma]

I dont think's its a sweeping generalization at all. As a rule- birth parents are given too many chances. If you screw up - fine - then fix it. Everyone makes mistakes but I think the point is that if you are a birth parent you are given more tolerance for your mistakes - which is fine except that it's the children who suffer those mistakes not the birth parents. Why is it fair to a child to wait to have permanency because their birth parents " just can't get it together" - It's not the child's fault - yet they are the ones that suffer.

I'm sorry but a man that shoots another in cold blood with witnesses and kills that man - whether he meant to inflict " that much harm " will be charged with murder yet a birth mother who abuses drugs while pregnant and has a child die from that at 7 months old is not held accountable. She gets more "chances" to try and be a mother to her other children and we pay for those chances. So I'm sorry but I have to respectfully disagree that it is a generalization. In my humble opinion and in a great deal of those I talk to - it is the truth.