[dukedelta]

Hi there - Any advice would be appreciated...We've had our son since he was 2.5 (he's now nearly 4). Before us, he lived since birth with a wonderful foster mom. She stated she wanted to stay in touch and we spoke often when he first came to us. But I think I offended her early on when I didn't agree to a sleep-over at her house before Christmas (it was so soon after we transitioned and I was afraid he'd be confused; I did offer to visit though!). I sent her pictures and got no response. Lately, my son has been insistently asking about "his other mom" and wants to visit. I wrote her again recently asking to get together and sent a new picture - still no response! What should I tell my son when he asks to see her again? We do have pictures of her, and we do talk positively about her to him. Thanks!

[LadyBugz]

My first thought is to make sure she is actually getting the message. Emails get discarded by spam filters, mail doesn't make its way there, people change their address or phone number, etc. Then if you know she's getting it, I would try to figure out why she isn't responding. Is she too busy? Does it hurt her too much to think about him? Is she just exhausted from life? Is she the type of person who gets absorbed in what she is doing and intends to call back but becomes occupied with something else in the mean time? There are lots of reasons she might not respond. Once you figure that out, you can decide on a game plan. If it looks like she isn't going to be in the picture, you can start explaining it by saying something like that Mommy Anne knows that he has a family now and he is doing so well that she is spending her time taking care of new little ones. (Explaining the differences between foster parents and adoptive parents so he is clear your job won't be done any time soon.) That she loved him very much and took such good care of him when he was with her, and how appreciative you guys are for all she did, and now that her job with him is done, you probably won't see her much anymore, but you can pray for her and can make notes for her to let her now what a great job she did, etc.

Then you break it to him that he isn't going to see her slowly and you couch it in a lot of praise for her so he feels warm and cozy inside about her still and that it is OK to feel that way, and it gives him a way to direct those feelings that are not dependant on her response.

[gregorysparents]

LadyBugz,

What awesome advice!! I wish Gregory's birth parents would do this with him - instead of the negative things that the bmom (and maybe even bdad) has told him.

Again, what awesome advice!!

Christina

[dukedelta]

Thank you! Your advice IS awesome and helpful. I have confirmed her address, and I would find it hard to believe that more than one letter was lost. Anyway, I like what you've said about how to speak to my son, so I'll do that as well as try at least one more time to reach her.