[amylauren3030]

I would really appreciate advice from a specialist regarding foster children we have come to love. My husband and I are in the process of filling out paperwork to become foster/adopt parents, once our oldest 2 start college. We have two couples that attend our church that have done foster care and adopted. (my husband is the pastor, so this gets tricky)
One of the couples is in the process of finalizing their adoption. They have 2 bio children and are adopting a sibling set of 4. The oldest foster child is a special needs child. He is developmentally delayed. He is 11, but functions more like an 8 year old. (ADD, as well) He is a precious child. He has to be redirected ALOT, but is a good kid and is very capable of learning. The baby was overweight when they got her...the mom put her on a strict diet and she lost about 1/2 her bodyweight. Now the mom won't let her eat. She always looks sad and downcast. (the other couple in our church was her foster parent before this couple and they said she was a loving, healthy child in their home) These 2 children are always "in trouble". She makes the oldest boy room with a 27 year old paraplegic that she is "caring for" and the baby girl is never allowed to eat. She is frail and has poor skin turgor. She also seems weak most of the time. I am very concerned for these kids. I am concerned that these kids are just a paycheck for this couple. Neither of them works. We are not the only people that have noticed all this or that feel this way.
They talk bad about the oldest child all the time. We told them we would like to take him and raise him, and they were leaning toward it, until they realized they would be losing his subsidy check. I also told them I wanted the youngest child too. ( I would love ALL 4 of them, but that will never happen)
What do I do? This couple fights all the time. They scream and holler at the kids and in front of the kids. They show a HUGE difference between their bio kids and them. What do we need to do? HOW did this couple ever become approved for foster care, much less adoption? They were reported before, but no one followed up on it. That came from the dad's mouth.
Thanks for your time,

[LadyBugz]

I'm not an expert by any means. However, it seems to me if you and the other foster family in the church both have the same opinion of this family that your word (as a prospective foster family and as the pastor of their church) coupled with the other family's word (as a friend and a foster family) would weigh heavily on a social worker's decision. Why not mention it to your caseworker, or have the other foster family mention it to theirs? Or why not contact the poor foster family's case worker and confidentially tell her what you've seen. If you really want to be anonymous, you could call whatever your state line for abuse is. When you tell them that the children are wards of the state, they should act upon that pretty quickly. There seem to be so many outlets available. Don't just keep silent.

[MsPoppy]

She is not feeding the baby?? She needs to be reported!!!!!! ASAP!!!!!




Jeannette

[Ians mom]

Please do not remain silent in this case. These children need someone to speak out for them.

They are obviously not being cared for and it sounds like they are in seriious danger of emotional and psychological harm if not physical harm in the baby's case. A small child should not ever be on a strict diet and losing half of one's body weight in a short period of time is not healthy for anyone.

I urge you, no I beg you to step forward and help these children.....

[amylauren3030]

Hi,
I reported what I have seen, heard, and witnessed. I encouraged others that had seen some of these things first hand to report it, but they wouldn't...they did tell me they would be willing to speak out about it if someone contacted them, so I gave their contact information.
A caseworker called me the other day and said the case was still pending. They haven't taken the children out of the home. I have heard that they are letting the youngest go outside now and play some (they used to make her go in her room all the time), so maybe they are trying. I just hope it is not just so they "look good" for the caseworker. I just get aggravated, because the mom is such a con-artist...she is just mean.
I love them all very much. The parents stopped bringing them to church, because they knew it was someone from the church that reported them. I knew that would happen. I hate it, because it was my only way to keep up with them and try to watch over them. I just pray that if they don't find them unfit and take the children away, that maybe this will be a wake up call for them and they will make the needed changes for these kids.
The oldest is developmentally challenged, but very bright in everyday things. He has such potential, if he just had someone to work with him and could get the services he needs.
I pray that this family stops seeing these kids as a paycheck and sees them as the precious gift that they are.Keep them in your prayers.
My DH and I are waiting on our criminal background checks to clear so we can start our foster/adopt classes. We are very excited! We can't take them all in, but we can make sure the ones we take care of are loved and safe.
Thank you for your response.

[scandi]

As a worker I always encourage people to report what ever they are concerned about. It may not seem like a lot but you never know what has been previously reported. In some of the cases that I have worked it sometimes took several reports before we could get the court system involved but just one person waiting could have made the wait for the kids just a little longer. It is always better to report than not to report. I am glad that you had the courage to report - not all do they are afraid of the repercussions.

[amylauren3030]

I received a letter that said they found no reason to offer DHS services...I do not agree.
I've done all I can do, I guess. I have heard that they are letting the little girl play outside some, so perhaps they are being nicer to them. I guess they had to feed them since the caseworkers were checking up on them.
I don't understand the system.
I just worry what long-term affects the children will suffer.
Thanks for listening to me vent guys. I know one thing...if they think that home is fit for foster/adoption, mine must look like perfection. I know they have loads of kids and all, but I don't agree with this call.

[locoenlacabeza]

Originally Posted by amylauren3030

I know one thing...if they think that home is fit for foster/adoption, mine must look like perfection.

As much as I would love to agree with this, you need to remember one thing....Foster families and birth families are not held to the same standards.
You will find that as a foster parent you are held to sometimes unattainable standards while most birth families will be minimally acceptable. Many even sub standard. Its a yucky thing, but its just part of the system.

[LadyBugz]

Originally Posted by locoenlacabeza

As much as I would love to agree with this, you need to remember one thing....Foster families and birth families are not held to the same standards.

True. But the family with the problems was another foster family who are trying to adopt the children.

[Ians mom]

Ladybugz

If I am reading correctly in the first post AmyLauren said this was a foster family that she is concerned about.

I agree that bio families are held to a different standard. Our cw said "I dont think substance abuse is a reason to remove a child, as long as there is an adult there to care for the child while the parent is not able to."

I wonder how many others are thinking that way? Could explain some bad decisions that are made in the courts....

[amylauren3030]

Hi!
I appreciate everyone's advice. Like I said, DH and I did turn in our concerns, they were "investigated" and the case was dropped. So, I guess I will have to learn to try to "understand" how the system works if I am going to be a part of it.
I know it is going to be hard for me to let kids go back into situations that I don't agree with...but in order to do this well, I guess I will have to get my mind set for this "reunification mentality" or go crazy. My new goal is to just LOVE them as much as possible while I have them...to not worry about changing things I can't change.
We hope to be starting our classes soon. I cannot wait for our first placement!!
Thank you guys for this forum.

[SAHmom]

lans mom: I recently made a call to SRS regarding my concerns with our a/childrens' b/mom who has custody of her 1 1/2 year old. The SW told me that "just because someone does drugs, does not mean that they are a bad parent" "just because a dad sexually abused another child, they still have rights to their bio children" {yeah, but UNSUPERVISED??} "a parent has a right to leave their children with whoever they want"...there is more, but you get the idea!!!

[locoenlacabeza]

^^^ Isn't that swell? Yeah, once when I made a report to a CW about a family member that my FS were visiting about the person grabbing his own kids by the throat the CW said to me..."You can hit your own kids as long as you don't leave a mark".....I was thinking ok I realize that several people spank and its mostly acceptable but this guy wasn't spanking his kid, he grabbed her by the throat and held her against the wall.

[hotspice58]

If they're still in foster care, they should have a cw that sees them on some sort of basis. My younger kids get or have gotten a visit once a month. My teenager (14 when I got him) had a cw; she didn't come monthly but he knew he could call her.

[tammyBoyer]

Amy:

Federal law requires mandated reporting for your husband as a pastor but anyone may report a suspected case of abuse. You absolutely should report this. Remember, that should something happen to the children and you knew about the abuse and didn't report it, you could become embroiled in a possible felony case.

To ensure your own safety and in order to protect your identity (you might prefer this so you can continue to be in contact with the family and know what is happening) call your local child protective services or easier; call the national Child abuse hotline: 1-800-422-4453. They will investigate the matter through child protective services and your identity will be confidential. Mandated reporters, such as your husband must fill out reports and if an abuse investigation is pursued, the mandated reporter may receive additional information about proceedings.

Child abuse/neglect (this includes suspected abuse/neglect) includes a range of issues under: physical and emotional abuse; neglect is additionally that which causes risk or harm to the well-being of the child. Withholding food is of course, abuse.

Once reported, both local police and child protective services are required by law to investigate (police must file because of a possible felony occurring under CAPTA). If abuse can't be proved, child protective services will follow up with parenting and counseling services and monitoring the children and family with home visits for several months at the very least to ensure the children are in good care.

Hope this helps

Tammy
MSW Child and family services