[corcor]

Hi Everyone,

We've recently fostered a 2-year beautiful baby boy named Julian for 10 months...then the day before the adoptive parents arrived here in the Philippines, our social worker called to inform us that we would have to turn Julian over to his adoptive family after 3 days. The separation process was so abrupt , the actual turn over happened in a span of 2 hours-- we(foster family) and the adoptive family met at the orphanage and after an hour of talking, the adoptive sister started playing with Julian (Julian being a vry sociable child was cool w/ it)...but while this was happening, knowing that was the last time I'd ever see him playing, laughing...I just broke down crying in front of everyone (so did my mom), the social worker then hurriedly rushed us out of the room & into another room so the child wouldn't see us crying.

After about half an hour, the child started running around looking for us saying "Mama, mama, where? Mama where?" and started trying to open the door where we were locked in... the social workers then told us that because the child was looking for us, we COULD NO LONGER say goodbye to him anymore because it'll be tough for him to leave us. So I felt completely helpless --I realy wanted to at least say Goodbye & not being able to do so just tore my heart into pieces. The adoptive family was then ushered out to leave the orphanage first with us still hidden in the room but we were allowed to peer through the window...and all the more I broke down. I saw the child run to our car (which was parked outside) looking for us then the adoptive father just carried him away...although the child didn't cry, he had a very stioc, glass-eyed look, confused look...that was the last time I saw him...I wanted to run out to say Goodbye - to hold him just one last time but I couldn't and that just killed me...I was devastated...the pain was excruciating...

I felt this was extremely traumatic for BOTH parties- the foster family & for the child. I was under the impression that the separation would be gradual...our family and the adoptive family gets together little by little familiarizes themselves with the child and when the child gets to a point where he's extremely comfy, that's when the turn over takes place. Am I wrong?

According to the social workers of CRIBS PHILIPPINES and their FILIPINO child psychologist, this is the best procedure. Is this really how it's supposed to be or are these so-called "social workers" and "child psychologists" just plain incompetent?

Can someone please please help shed some light on this? I know my whole family is devasted over the loss of Julian...I don't want Julian to feel as if we've abandoned him....I really just want him to be happy

[oldenough]

Corcor,
I'm so sorry you and that poor little guy had to go through that. **hugs**

I don't have any idea why it was done that way, all I can say is that I'm sorry.

[corcor]

Originally Posted by oldenough

Corcor,
I'm so sorry you and that poor little guy had to go through that. **hugs**

I don't have any idea why it was done that way, all I can say is that I'm sorry.

Thank you so much oldenough, so that isn't normal separation procedure right? How is it normally done in the U.S.? I'd really appreciate a response from social workers & therapists...would this afect the 2-year old child? Am totally depressed & angry over this whole issue

[AmyAnne]

Here in Virginia, unless it is an emergency removal, there's a gradual transition. In my son's case, we met him at a neutral place (Burger King) for 2 hours. Next, we had a day long visit. Next, he came for a weekend. Next, for 4 days. Then, he was placed with us. Of course, we didn't have to travel to another country to do this. An emergency removal is extremely abrupt, but usually the children are permitted to say goodbye to their foster parents at least.

[dadfor2]

there are so many things that come into play, and one of them is 'how fast should the transition be?'

i feel it is so different for each child, but i also believe age plays a big part in it. The younger the child, the quicker the transition.

I also want to say that i cant even imagine what you went through, and thats why we could never be foster parents.

but i think the biggest thing to remember is that the child should feel that this 'adoption thing' is a good thing, and happy thing....not a sad thing.

If the child did see you break down, he might think something was wrong and that could actually impact his attachment to his adoptive parents for a long long time.

so, i can see why they did the transition that way. the child cannot think this was a bad thing at all.

did you get the phone number of the adoptive parents, maybe you can call them to check in and see how hes doing.

i wish i can say they did the wrong thing, but im not sure if they did. I wasnt there to see how upset you got and if you were able to hide those feelings from the child. from the sound of your post, it was diffulcult, it seemed it was diffulcult for you and thats why they did that.

It is clear from your post, you are a great foster parent. Its clear you truly loved your foster kid

I cant even imagine the hurt you feel. I am so sorry that it couldnt be smoother for you and the little guy.

but i also think its important for you to at least give a call to see how he is doing. you played a very important role in this child life, and the child shouldnt keep losing people who are important to him.

[corcor]

Originally Posted by AmyAnne

Here in Virginia, unless it is an emergency removal, there's a gradual transition. In my son's case, we met him at a neutral place (Burger King) for 2 hours. Next, we had a day long visit. Next, he came for a weekend. Next, for 4 days. Then, he was placed with us. Of course, we didn't have to travel to another country to do this. An emergency removal is extremely abrupt, but usually the children are permitted to say goodbye to their foster parents at least.

I totally agree, the procedure was downright CRUEL. And this wasn't an emergency removal! Thank you ao much for shedding some light on this = )

[AnnaE]

I am so sorry for your loss! This was inhumane for both the child and you. It should never be done this way. I am a fostermom, adoptive mom (and bio mom) also degree in Child Psychology. To prevent future attachment issues, transitions need to be done slowly, carefully with the child's best interests first! There had to have ben a way to make this better. I do understand how you were feeling. Not only grief but thinking that little guy was feeling you abandoned him. He needed to know you still love him and care...and a gradual easing into the new home with your encouragement. I am so sorry this happened. I really thought professionals understood the consequences of this kind of placement. All you can do now is remember the love you gave him will always be with him. Peace, AnnaE

[corcor]

Originally Posted by AnnaE

I am so sorry for your loss! This was inhumane for both the child and you. It should never be done this way. I am a fostermom, adoptive mom (and bio mom) also degree in Child Psychology. To prevent future attachment issues, transitions need to be done slowly, carefully with the child's best interests first! There had to have ben a way to make this better. I do understand how you were feeling. Not only grief but thinking that little guy was feeling you abandoned him. He needed to know you still love him and care...and a gradual easing into the new home with your encouragement. I am so sorry this happened. I really thought professionals understood the consequences of this kind of placement. All you can do now is remember the love you gave him will always be with him. Peace, AnnaE

I agree...am still not over it but now am fighting the system to ensure this doesn't happen again to any child...meeting with Senators next week. Wish me luck! Thank you so much for your response. Am printing this out and showing this to the people who allowed this to transpire. Thank you!

[AnnaE]

Hi! I am so glad you are pursuing this so it does not happen again. If we do not stand up and have a voice, nothing ever changes. Thank you for doing that. With all the documentation now about attachment disorders and such, its hard to believe that this could still happen. Will people ever learn that if we treat the children with care, we will have responsible, well adjusted adults in the future?? Keep advocating for the children. Thank you! AnnaE

[corcor]

Originally Posted by AnnaE

Hi! I am so glad you are pursuing this so it does not happen again. If we do not stand up and have a voice, nothing ever changes. Thank you for doing that. With all the documentation now about attachment disorders and such, its hard to believe that this could still happen. Will people ever learn that if we treat the children with care, we will have responsible, well adjusted adults in the future?? Keep advocating for the children. Thank you! AnnaE

I couldn't agree with you more Anna! Am aghast myself that these people have no idea what am talking about! I guess this explains why the Philippines is still a third wold country, clearly these people seriously LACK education. Thanks for your support! =)

[AnnaE]

Let us know how the meeting goes. Hang in there and remember other foster moms understand! AnnaE

[amylauren3030]

Hi,
I am sorry for the way they did things. The only thing I can figure is that the family would not be able to afford the expense of further travel and they wanted to do things as fast as possible??
Regardless of why, I don't think it would have hurt for you to say goodbye again. Even if your fs cried, he should have been allowed that hug and final "I love you" from you. I think it would have been better if you had been allowed to be the one to introduce him to his knew family...let him know they were okay. In fact, seeing you around the other family and being able to cry in front of them and hug him in front of them would be a good thing.
I hope you are feeling better. I don't think we ever get over the loss. My husband and I haven't started foster care yet, so I know we have a lot to look forward to. Your are in my prayers.

[locoenlacabeza]

It can be normal for AZ. We had a fd since she was 9 months old. She was nearly 2 when she was removed. We had less then 12 hrs notice. Literally they called on a sunday and by monday 10am they picked her up and she was gone.
I still have nightmares about her to this day. I can hear her calling me in my sleep sometimes.

[corcor]

Oh my God, I can't imagine the pain you must feel...that's the most horrible thing I've ever heard and I can't fathom why social workers do these cruel/inhumane things...I truly feel for both you and your FD! You're both in my prayers loco!

[locoenlacabeza]

Thanks....I appreciate it!
We have our good days and we have our bad days. We were all hit pretty hard by it. My prayer is that someday I will feel ok in my heart about it and that she comes home someday.