[mrbeansmom]

I am so sorry, but sadly not surprised, to hear this. We had two siblings (1 year old and newborn) placed with us for adoption and after 19 months they came and took the younger one and returned him to his mom in rehab. We are finalizing on our adoption of the sister this month. Our family was told on a Friday that they would be picking him up on the following Monday. It was the most heartwrenching experience we've ever gone through, and we're still going through it. His sister literally begs us to get him back. When new cars pull into our driveway, she thinks it may be a worker bringing him back. She prays for him and asks God to let him come home. We all miss him with all of our hearts. It doesn't help that they were the same size and looked like twins. You can't look at her and not see him. Her adoption should be a time of celebration, but instead, it's very bittersweet. Our hearts are filled with great joy and sadness at the same time. He didn't want to go. He screamed and his eyes searched our faces frantically, begging for an answer. We didn't have an answer to the insanity that would separate siblings like that, returning the one to a parent he had no relationship with.

I ache with you and for you..............

[AnnaE]

I have been there..I don't think we ever fully recover. Our hearts hurt. All you can do is remember the love you gave him will always be with him. No one can take that away. Blessings and Peace, AnnaE

[BarbaraB]

I have to comment on the ideas that a younger child can be taken away with no transition, and that the child has to think the adoption is "happy happy." Even an infant quickly gets used to familiar sights, sounds, smells and surroundings. The idea that you can pick them up and plop them down somewhere else like potted plants is just appalling. As far as thinking the adoption is happy, in my opinion a child is going to be much more traumatized by the sudden disappearance of his caregivers than by seeing one of them in tears.

I know children survive this all the time, and maybe it is proof of human resiliency. But it should not be that way. I think the countries that require adoptive parents to spend a certain amount of time in the country before leaving with the child (or visiting the child before taking custody) are doing what is better for the child (regardless of their own reasons for the requirement, I think it's easier on the child to have that transition). The same is true of gradual transitions to adoptive placements here in the U.S.

As a guardian ad litem I have seen very precipitous removals of children or changes in their placements. Sometimes, unfortunately, those changes happen at the foster parent's request, not against the foster parent's wishes. Sometimes they happen because of allegations of abuse, and the state can't take the risk of leaving the child in the current placement. I observed one situation several years ago where a biological father who lived in a different state from his son and had never had any consistent contact with him was able to drive to this state, pick him up and take him "home" with no preparation. Ultimately it didn't work -- the child was such a handful (understandably) that the father gave up and sent him back to relatives after a few months.

The resources are not available in the U.S. foster care system to make every transition a smooth and gradual one, and I don't think the child's perspective is considered often enough. Similarly, the child's feelings were not considered at all in the situation the original poster described. It's wishful thinking to say that it was "easier" on the child to do it that way.

Barbara

[AnnaE]

Thanks for being a Guardian ad litem. Children need a voice..Our daughter's guardian helped save her life. Their best interests are not recognized enough. As a fostermom and adoptive mom, I have seen it all. I am convinced that even tiny babies need transition time. Everyone involved should put the child's needs at the very center. Peace, AnnaE

[scandi]

In the county where I work we try to gage the appropriate transition time to meet the needs of the children. That doesn't always work as some foster parents want the kid gone right away. I always have a real problem with that because it is not right for the child.

The homes that we have that are really good work with us on the transition and just before the child leaves - foster or adopt situation they have a good bye party for them. We have some foster parents who hear from both the kids and the parents long after they leave. I think that is a testament to our good foster parents.

There are circumstances that can lead to a quick removal but they should be few and far between. I recently did one with a 17 year old. She was a foster child and the foster home kept her contact with her birth family at a minimum afainst what the county wanted for her to have. She has a close relationship with her birth family. This was very upsetting to her. There were several other issues and it was felt that it was better to do a quick move rather than a slower one. Even though she was aware that there would probably be backlash (and there was) she wanted to respite at the two options available to her to see which family would best meet her needs - since she would be living there for another 2 years (doesn't grad for awhile). She really wanted to leave the old home on a positive note but the foster parents would not allow it. She was more mature about the circumstances than the foster parents. It would have been much nicer for the former foster parents to be a positive support for her in the future - she would have liked that - it was just not felt that living with them was the best place for her but I am not sure that will ever happen at this point. This girl has lost alot in her life and it is really too bad that it happened that way.

I have worked with some awesome foster parents who truely only want whats best for the children and work with the transition with the county. I am rambling now so I will quit talking.

[krajewskim]

I am sooooo sorry for what you had to go through. We had a terrible transition in WV, too, though it wasn't as bad for our FS as it was for us and our AS. We had been in a fight with the agency because they weren't following caseplan on our teenFD and her baby. We had to ask for her to be removed. Later that week, our FS was suppose to go spend the night with ** (he was 2 wks away from going home), but mom's house disrupted and we had to put him into respite care (DH and I had major plans for that night). The agency arrived at 10:00 am Sat morning and said he wasn't coming home. They gave us 1 hour to pack his things. Then I had to tell me 4 yr old AS what had happened. The two boys were like brothers and my AS had been moved 32 times in 23 mos before we got him. He has major attachment issues and can't handle stuff like this. Luckily ** got FS back and we still get to see him....sometimes. I still cry over him. He still may not make it at home with mom and I want him back so bad it hurts. We are tyring to recert with another agency, but I am worried about what Agency #1 will say about us. It's terrible what some agencies do to these kids. Especially when they only moved our FS because they were mad at us for reporting them for not doing their job!!!!!!

[hope2adoptn07]

Here in Virginia, unless it is an emergency removal, there's a gradual transition.

The above statement is DEFINATELY not true. I live in Virginia too. We had a baby from birth to 6 months old. We were told from the day we got her that there were no family members who wanted her or were fit to take her so that we would adopt her once termination of parents were completed. After having her for six months I got a call from social worker and said we are coming to get her. Her aunt wants her. My attorney told them that they at least had to give us a couple of days to say goodbye. My husband was in the military at the time and had to get emergency leave to come home to say goodbye to his daughter. The next day the social workers came and just took her. The aunt had never even laid eyes on this child. She screamed when they took her out of my arms and according to the aunt she screamed, refused to eat or sleep for 3 days. Now you tell me how this is good for the child? Also I had a 2 1/2 year old son who saw his baby sister being taken away. How do you explain that to him? He had to be taken to therapy for months to get over it. He wouldn't leave my side for even a minute he was affraid they were taking him away too.

So you see Virginia doesn't go by the laws they make their own.

Will never do foster care here again!!! With DSS it is all about the money.