[NovasMom]

Hey all,
I am new to this forum, so this question has probably been asked before, but based on the wealth of information I have been able to gather here already, I figured you would have some good advice about this question, too.

Having just battled my way through the holiday season, and considering myself worse for the wear, I realize that the future holdiays will be even more unbearably complicated once foster kids are in the picture. How do you guys handle the holidays?

I was raised in a secular Christian household, and to be honest, I think that my mom's religious ideas have morphed considerably since I was a kid. When I was little, church was a part of our family on at least a weekly basis. Of course, my mom came from a household that was strictly Baptist, and even though they were dirt poor and at times transient, my grandmother insisted that her kids had too many things to spoil them, and made them donate their last doll and book to the missionaries. Having escaped this extremism at last, my mom's eyes opened to new possibilities once she went to grad school in her late thirties, and now her spirituality is a blend of Christian tradition and some neopagan beliefs, fostered in part by her newfound love of Celtic culture.

Nowadays, she celebrates Christmas by putting up greenery and all that, but it's just as much a winter solstice thing for her, and we exchange gifts, but neither of us are too materialistic, and they're mostly homemade.

My maternal grandparents, though, are still into the old-fashioned Christmas, which includes a huge meal with lots of meat (we're vegetarians), religious books as Christmas gifts, a reading from the Bible, and Christmas stockings with oranges and nuts in them. Attendance is mandatory.

My husband's side of the family, on the other hand, is chaotic in a different way. They are Jewish, but they celebrate holiday gift exchanges like they are going out of style. My sister-in-law is married to a Christian, though, and her kids do Christmas and Hannukah, neither of which is too religious in nature at her household, but instead the opportunity for everyone to get $800 worth of gifts from her. I dread the holidays, because she is always trying to outdo everybody, and she certainly succeeds.

What I want to know is, how do you guys handle the holidays with foster kids? If it were up to me, my own immediate family would just spend a nice day together eating good food, and then we'd do it secret-santa style, with everyone picking out one gift for one other person. But how should we do it when foster kids are there? The extended family tends to go overboard, and simply not showing up will be out of the question to them. What if my sis-in-law buys better gifts for my foster kids than I can buy for them? What if the family gives my biodaughter tons of gifts, but nothing or barely anything to the foster kids?

Although this is all in the theoretical at this point, I want to create a game plan now so that I can stick to my guns later, and no one's feelings are hurt. Thanks!

[ladybird1980]

I have been thinking about your message and I think you should ask the children if they have any special traditions for the holidays. Then if they do try to include some of them in your celebration. That way maybe they can be tied to some of the good things of their past. It sounds like from your post you don't really have any set traditions for your immediate family so this couldn't hurt.

I also think that as to if your relative wants to outspend you on Christmas presents let her. It doesn't make you look worse. She will probably be the one up to debt to her eyeballs.

Also at our foster association they do Angel Tree for the foster kids. This way they put the child's name and some things they want on a piece of paper for someone to buy presents for the child. They then give you the presents to give to the child. This is extremely helpful especially if you don't have a lot of money yourself to spend on the children. This also lets other people help out without having to raise the children.

[Ians mom]

With us it is all of the kids or none. Our foster children have always been welcomed by our extended families and treated the same as our kids.

I think if you approach your family members one on one and discuss it with them, you could probably avoid some uncomfortable moments for the kids.

Good luck

[hotspice58]

I've had kids for the past 3 Christmases. I also have a nephew who comes from every Christmas and a niece and nephew who come every other. The kids get a gift apiece from aunts and uncle;a couple from
grandma and whatever the parents buy. I don't buy alot. My cousins come and we have a huge dinner which is usually catered. I don't spend alot because I was always poor as a church mouse. I do let my foster kids get their IMMEDIAT bio family gifts.

[MomInAL]

This was our first Christmas with our foster kids (3 siblings). I asked the oldest if she had any particular Christmas memories or traditions that she would like to do and she told us she always remembered the family watching The Grinch movie... so we had a family movie night a few days before Christmas and watched it together.

My side of the family was open to including the kids with Christmas activities, but my husbands family (on limited SSI income) was not. We ended up buying gifts for his family to give to our foster kids when we went to their house and no one was any wiser for it...

MomInAL
DD 18, DD 16, guardian to D 16
FD 15, FS 11, FS 9 (siblings) TPR granted 2/16/06!

[Kay-Ray1]

I don't have foster children YET but....
Both my husband's parents and my parents are divorced. SO we have 4 grandparent's house to attend, which is very stressful and makes my hoilday I lot less joyful. So even though I make ALOT of people mad I told them that we will visit them all on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day is at our house spent the way we want.

One thing about it your kids will learn alot of religous customs. LOl I wish you the best.

[ALfostermom]

I make sure that i tell my cw in advance that my family is out of town so on Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas we will be out of town. Don't want them springing a family visit on you last minute and you be expected to cancel your holiday plans. I am a single fp with no birth children. My family and boyfriends family have always been great at including my fc in holiday traditions. but i agree talk to your family in advance, you don't want your fc to feel left out if other family children will be getting toys and stuff

[AmahMama]

We make our Christmas about Christ. The fk's get gifts from "angel tree" type of program but we DO sift thru them and make sure the gifts are appropriate and donate the inappropriate ones back to the program. Some holidays we have taken or fk's with us to travel and some we have stayed home for. I get portraits taken for the fk's to give to bios (in frames) and after Christmas, Easter, Valentines Day, Independence Day (about all the holidays) the fk's have a pic or 2 with thier outfits, gifts from bio's, or the activity (July 4th parade) to take to the bio's visit. This gives the bio's a view into thier child's life and gives them something to talk about.

Our children are grown but have welcomed the fk's same as they would younger siblings - sometimes it's really funny too!!! Our cw's know that we enjoy travel and our fk's go when we do - so I remind the cw of the trips in advance - sometimes we have to get co's for out-of-state travel.

I don't go overboard with the gifts as - most of the time they don't get to take an overload with them. We've bought bikes for several fk's that couldn't go with them for safety issues. If a child is ru'd into an apartment - they have nowhere to ride one (just an example). If there is a sibling group - 1 carload (including children) is about all that will go to bio's. If your fk is to go to adoption - the adoptive family will probably have most everything they want the child to have already there. We've had children go to adoptive homes that have asked for "only thier personal things" as they have purchased new clothes, toys, etc.

So pretty much, follow your heart, and take the middle ground. The kids love holidays - no matter how you celebrate them. Mostly I've found that they are suprised that a holiday can pass without anyone passing out, getting hit, being arrested, yelling and screaming fights, etc.