[NovasMom]

Hello,

I have never had a foster or adopted child yet. My husband and I have one bio daughter, and we are in the process of foster/adopt certification. We have actually looked extensively at waiting children listings, and we have seen lots of AWFUL names. Now my daughter's name is Nova, which I know some might consider a hippie name, and people sometimes ask us if we named her after a car, which is really annoying. To us, the name has significance because my husband and I both love astronomy.

However, there are some truly, objectively awful names out there. If the name was simply not one of my favorites, but was harmless and common, like John or Mary, I wouldn't change it. But what about Jonqhil'tavian? That's a REAL name that we saw. And Diamoneeze. No joke.

Yeah, so we don't want to go robbing anyone's identity or anything, but think about it: their parents obviously weren't the best at making judgment calls, or the parental rights wouldn't have been terminated. It's a fact that kids with bizarre, unpronouncable names are discriminated against, even if only subconsciously, in school, college, the job market, etc. As their new parent, wouldn't I be obligated to choose, or help them choose, a new name that might enable them to fit in better and be more successful?

Also, my husband and I have bought a house in the same school district we attended as kids, and, while it ranks as among the best schools in academics and personal safety, the kids (and their parents) have always been a little elitist. Everyone I went to school with had preppy names like Brock, Preston, Blake, Madison, Hunter, and Thompson. Not that those names are bad, but they are obviously in a different league from Diamoneeze and Jonquil'tavian. Don't you think I would owe it to these kids to give them names that aren't going to be cosmic "kick me" signs on their backsides? Also, with names like those, I highly doubt they would think I robbed them of a precious gift when they were teased mercilessly, turned down for jobs, and had their names endlessly mispronounced.

By the way, these are older kids, like 6 to 12. Opinions?

[Kilee]

I don't think you should rename these kids. I don't think it's right. I am sure that some of the children w/ really long, difficult names most likely have a much easier nickname. They've already been through so much- their name is the one thing they've had that is theirs thats been constant- I think it would be robbing them of their identity.

[bluelidded]

I'm not for renaming older kids. I agree with Kilee; most of these kids will have a nickname. Or you can give a kid a nickname based on their real name, like Jon, or Tavian, or Mona. (Based off the two names you presented.) Our names are something our mothers give us because they hope on some level it will set the precedent for our lives. We have to understand that if we don't necessarily love a name, it means something to a first mother. It's always a gift of love, even if they didn't do the best parenting job.

[mab_123]

We changed our sons middle name he is 8 and wanted to change is first name since he was getting a new last name we liked his first name and talked to him about this being something special and maybe we could change his middle name or add another middle name. He agreed. On the other hand our adopted daughter's first name was not good. But because she was small we decided to add another middle name and call her that but also kept her first name. When she gets older and understands more than we will give her that decision to either drop it or keep it. I don't think it's changing their idenity if the child wants to change it and is old enough to decide. Our worker told us that alot of times older kids want to change their names. We didn't even mention to our son about changing names. He came up with it himself after us talking to him about his last name chaning when we adopted him.

[Dottie4k]

I really think it should be up to the child. I have adopted three older children and they all chose to change their middle names. It was fun for them. I mean, how many of us get to pick out our own names? Also, they may want to change their name because it reminds them of bad things. My son was named after his abusive grandfather (middle name). As soon as we started talking about changing his last name, he immediately asked if he could change his middle name too. I know that there are A LOT of people out there that are very against renaming children. I think in older child adoption that it depends on the child. They may really like their name, no matter appalling you may think it is. In that case, you should respect their wishes and allow them to keep it. They will want to be accepted exactly as they are-bad names and all.

[barbhuff]

You're really getting into a cultural thing here that some may read as offensive. Like others have said, older children may not want to give up their name. It may be the last piece of their identity left to them.

Names like those you mentioned are probably urban and likely African-American names. Bringing a city kid into your "elite" community may be hard enough on its own-- to change her name to something "preppy" just to fit in is probably going to be more likely to cause her grief than the name she was given at birth.

Being an urban mom and working many years in the inner-city, I'll tell you that a child's nickname is a big deal in our culture. "Diamoneeze" might be "Dee" or "Dee-Dee." Just watch and see. Besides, so many of us just FIT our names so well that you just wouldn't imagine that child being anything else!

[ALI143]

I think it depends on the kid. The good news is that most names have an okay nickname like Jon, Tivian or Di (?) But the better news is you don't have to decide right when the kid moves in. It may be something they ask you for later- I know a 6 yr.old girl who was named a sentence. An actual sentence having to do with the weather. Her parents let her re-name herself. It was something she was excited for.
And since there is time before the finalization the name will either grow on you or you and the child can decide together as you grow closer together. I kept my daughter's name it wasn't great it wasn't terrible, but naming her middle was just a part of claiming her as our family.
So if you decide to, it could take effect around finalization time such as when people have their little ones baptized or dedicated to God and part or all of the name changes-JMHO.

[Kate1129]

It's a personal thing. Our fs is almost 5 and wants a new name. Our fd is also getting a new name when/if adoption happens.

It's up to you, there are people on both sides of the fence who are passionate about it!

It is something you will have lots of time to decide. Also there are things you can do to change the name but make it eaiser to spell or pronouce, but keep their name.

[nikkib365]

When we were communicating with our two children ages 7 and 8 before they were placed with us, we asked them how would they feel about having their names changed and my son opted not to because he felt it would be too hard to get used to a new name but my daughter was excited about changing her name so I asked her could I pick the first name or did she want to and she told me to pick. She liked the name I picked for her and I left her first name as her middle name. She loves her new name and we are planning on having a name changing party for her. Also, the school are allowing them to use their "preferred" names which includes my daughters' new first name and their new last name so they do not have to wait until the adoption is consummated. Since they are in a new school out of state, there is no confusion as far as that is concerned. I think if the child is old enough to be part of the decision making and they don't mind then it is a good thing.

I wonder if names that end with "eeze" are getting popular or were they always popular. I recently heard of the name Shawneeze.

[hotspice58]

First, if you're dead set against "ethnic" names as opposed to "elitist" names, you may want to re-consider foster/adopting any child of color. He/she has already lost their family and for you to put down their name is something he/she doesn't need. That being said, it depends on the child. I'm adopting a 7 yo and his 11 yo brother. The 11 yo doesn't want to change his first or middle name. I was going to change the middle name of my 7 yo (lawyer was too quick for me) but their mom named them and they still have a bond to her.

[hesabanana]

I too am concerned that your issues with names appear to be only with names that are likely African American. Cultural identity is very important to children, particularly if they are being adopted by a family of another ethnicity. These kids may have much bigger problems fitting in with Buffy and Biff than just ethnic names!! If your community is so intolerant as to cause you great concern about names, I suggest you find another community or adopt only same race kids.

[spfstr5]

I generally would agree that a child should keep his or her name, however there would be one exception. If the child themselves would like to change their name and can give you a valid reason.

I once fostered a little boy with a very odd name. It was not an ethnic name, just a name made up of two ordinary words not ever used in a name. We shortened it to a nickname, but when he was adopted he was absolutely definite that he wanted to change his name. The name he chose was a simple, very common, easy name and he was extremely happy.

[niandca]

We changed our ad's name before she was old enough to notice. Her birth name was fine, but I didn't feel it "aged" well: too cutesie. Maybe cuz I'm older, but the thought of Grandma Tiffanie or Grandpa Jordy makes me laugh out loud. Don't mean to offend anyone, but sometimes people name a baby & not a future adult.

Personally, I would definitely discuss it with the older child or consider adopting a younger one.

[Mel in NEPA]

Well when/if we adopt our two current foster boys we intend on adding a middle name to fit with the rest of our family. My three birth children have/have a derivitive of Christopher, my husband's name. It's an eastern European tradition. Also, since all my children have Biblical names, we are considering switching my one foster son's name around so that his Biblical second name is placed first, although we can continue to call him by his current name. Not sure on that, not really sure it matters that much to us.


I think the issue here is what does the child think? If you ask your bizzare-named child if they would like a change, then by all means go for it. If not, then deal with it. My one foster son has a Gaelic first name, and his middle name is Patrick. I talked to him about possibly changing it to Paidraig, since that is the Gaelic form of Patrick, he seemed to like the idea.

[Ians mom]

When we adopted our dd she was 5. Her legal name was not anything I would ever choose but she had been called by a nickname by her bio family. We chose a different name that could be shortened to the NN she already had and kept her middle name.

She has not had any problems, but she identified herself by her NN and middle name, both of which are the same.