[Bennie'smama]

A situation that we have been involved with in over a year. WE had filed a motion to intervene with the courts if the ** was not able to have the child returned to her care. Last month we went to court, and based on the foster parents glowing report the 3 year old was allowed to be returned to the mothers care.
I called ** yesterday and she should of had him back in her care for almost two weeks now.
His former foster parents had him with them, she told me that they were missing him so much and were calling and coming over to see him, that when they asked if he could come spend some time with them she allowed it. He has been there since tuesday and won't be coming home to her house until sunday.
He is having a hard time adjusting to the fact that he lives with his mother now and I know that this is only going to confuse him more... He should be bonding with his **, not going back and forth to the foster parents place. When he got his christmas presents, he kept asking his mom if he could take them to fp's place. she said, no we have talked about this, she has to constantly tell him that he lives with her now. BUt no wonder he is so confused if the foster parents are calling almost daily and he is going and spending nights over there.
WHat do you think I should do? IS this something that the caseworker should/can address?
I just think that is making it harder on him and her, than it already is.
It worries me that they may have been saying things were going well with the **, because if they hadn't been, he would of been placed with us, since we had filed a motion to intervene, and now that he is back with the **, they can call and play on her sympathies to keep having the child.
It is still an open case with dhs. However the child is in the mothers custody now.
what do you think ?

[Dottie4k]

I would definitely talk to the social worker. I am not a therapist or a social worker, but I am an adoptive parent who has had to deal with over bearing foster parents. You have to understand that the foster parents "parented" this child for over a year. It is hard to let that go, but for the sake of the child sometimes you have to. I personally think it is extremely inappropriate for a child that has been returned home such a short time ago to be spending that much time with his foster parents. My children have lived with me for over two years now and I have never allowed them to spend the night with their previous foster parents. We will visit on occasion, but I am ALWAYS present. I think you should contact this social worker. Otherwise, this child will be confused for a very long time.

[Allieloopy]

We fostered a little girl for almost 3 years. She was 18 months old when she came to us, I was the only other mother figure she knew, other than her birthmother.

When she was returned home, her mother waited a few weeks then invited us over for a visit. We agreed on this because my adopted daughter was very attached to my foster daughter, they were the same age and grew up as sisters for two years!
This turned into more visits. Now she spends nights and goes on vacation with us every year.
Her mom isn't threatened, she likes the free babysitting, that way she can go out and party and blow off steam, and not get into trouble by leaving her daughter. While I don't agree with the mother's lifestyle, at least she does it when her daughter is away.

We didn't call, we let the mother make the first move, she is actually the only one of our birthparents that when she said would keep in contact, that really did!

I think of it this way, do I want the birthparents calling MY house everynight to talk to their kids? No way, and I have less rights than they do.

I was strongly reprimanded by my agency for having this kind of contact with a former foster child. Both the birthmother and I agreed though, that it was the best thing for our kids to visit, and three years later, it turned out that it really was.

[Boulderbabe]

Children don't know squat all about who has custody. They know who loves them, and who they love.

I don't think there is anything wrong with a very gradual transition and an ongoing relationship between a child and the foster parents. In fact, i think that ripping a kid out of one home and abruptly putting him in another is cruel and abusive, especially if it doesn't have to be that way.

Why are you so upset? Sounds more like you have your own agenda, which is to get the kid if mom screws up again.

[Bennie'smama]

It has been two months now that he has been placed back with his mom.

He is a very angry little boy. Very clingy, very whiney, resorting back to baby talk, regressing in his potty training. It is sad to see him so confused. I agree that a transition should happen slowly, they had been doing that for two months before he was placed back with his mom. I also feel that he needed to see his fp, but I questioned that him going to stay with them for almost a week, would be confusing to him, and it was. He is too little to know that it is just a visit, and now is so insecure about going any where with anyone. He is very angry and not the same little boy that was a just a short time ago. His mother is struggling with his attitude and it sounds like they are going to place him in daycare for 40 hours a week to help her.
Boulderbabe- Don't judge someone that you don't know the whole story of. We could of had him placed with us when this first started, but did not want to make it any harder for him than it already was, with him "close to going home", for over six months.... They won't "get him" anyway if he is removed from her care now. I just hope that he isn't. We really do want this to work out for her and him. I just felt that it would confuse him more to being going over there for such a long time period. They are good people and he loves them dearly. He sees them every week and spends weekends with them still. He doesn't know where he lives at and is one very confused little boy. It is a slow transition for sure.

[hotspice58]

Bennie's mama, I'm a fm who's had 2 girls (10 and 5 at the time) placed with another family that could accommodate 5 siblings and 2 brothers (newborn and 6) RU. Boulderbabe is right; kids know who lives them and makes them feel secure. For the record, if he's removed again and his former foster family has room, they would get him. (at least that's how it is in NY)

[hubbyswife]

Yep, that's how it is here to. If the child goes into care again, they look at the foster family that had the child before.

I'm confused, or maybe I missed something, but who are u in relation to the bmom?

I'm just curious b/c u said u were going to intervene....

I agree the child should not be spending the nite, visits yes but just for a few hours not for weeks....