[jean b]

We are currently fostering a 4 month old little boy. His mother brought him into the dhs office and said she could not take care of him. She has cerable palsey, blind in one eye and almost in the other eye, has paralis in her arms and legs, and has some mental retardation. The GAL e-mailed me yesterday and said that the father had signed and returned his tpr papers, the mother has changed her mind and is getting a one hour weekly visit now. The department is hoping that he gets to be adopted by us. They say that every time ** comes to the visits our fs cries and looks for me. ** has a hard time handling the baby and it takes her like 10 min just to get a premade bottle out of his diaper bag? the gal has come to our home and says he seems to be doing just fine where he is at.

when we got him he had been laid in his bed and had no interaction and would not make eye contact. the parents were trying to draw an ssi check off of him saying he was deaf and blind. I began to work with him and today i am happy to say he is just fine.

she does not have a home, job, or income besides disability. she lives with a man who has had a child taken out of his home before and ended up being adopted.

I feel sorry for her. I told casa we open to an open adoption, because she can not help her situation. The casa workers said why can't that happen?

My question is do parents who have all the problems that this ** have to the courts usually let the children go home or do they end up terminating anyway?

we would love to adopt fs but do not want to be guilty of taking someones child from them. We understand that she can't get any family to help her either?

what do you all think is it worth fighting for or a dead cause?

[NovasMom]

I can understand what ambivalent feelings you must have about this placement. First of all, the joy of caring for a baby (that possibly will stay with you forever) is so immense. On the other hand, though, you feel sorry for this birthmom and don't want to feel that you are stealing her son.

If the situation had been different, say, if her parental rights were terminated against her will simply because of her disabilities, then that would be one thing. She might be entitled to a case worker, a home nurse, and other support resources to help her. But the matter of fact is that this woman is doing a strong and noble thing by realizing that her son's best hope of having a normal, good life is with another family.

When children are taken away because of abuse and neglect, it is easy to hate their bioparents, and the sense that no one else in the world loves them, other than you, might make it easier for you to immediately mother these children. However, because you sympathize for this poor woman, you feel badly that you are taking her son. Please don't. Unfortunately, this woman's health problems and living situation make her an unfit mother-- and she knows it. That is why she brought him in now. If she can't hold a 4 month old, she can't wrangle a toddler or preschooler, and she obviously knows it now. Be thankful that she brought him in on her own, before her inability to care for him led to his removal based on neglect. Think about it--if she couldn't provide care for him, that's what it would have turned into, right? Be thankful that one more child is spared from neglect and dysfunction.

I think that if you welcome the woman into your home, remind her that her selfless act of placing her son with you has allowed your family to grow in a marvelous way, and by excitedly telling her how thrilled you are to have a new son to play with and love, she will realize that you care for him and will provide to him what she cannot. That will make her decision easier on her, and she deserves peace of mind.

This is one of the good situations in adopting--this is an example of the pure love that surrounds the core philosophy of adoption; one woman who could not care for her child loved him so much that she gave him to another woman who could provide him a better life. Welcome your new son, and also his birthmom, into your family and heart, and let her know how special she is to you. As long as she knows that she is welcomed, and that you understand the magnitude of her decision, she will be assured that you have no plans to shut her our of her son's life completely, and the weekly visits will most likely taper off.

Best of luck to you!