[mommyjamie]

Hello,
We have been selected to adopt a sib group of three children and are very excited!!! They are 1,2 and 4 although all three have birthdays coming up in the near future. The youngest two have very unusual and in my opinion awful first names. The parents were drug users so maybe that explains some of it. There are some safety concerns about the bios attempting to kidnap the children. We would like to change the names but are unsure of how to talk with the children about it. How soon do we start using the new name? We want to send a positive message about their identity and give them hope for a bright future at the same time. Any suggestions?
Thanks,
MommyJamie

[Leah1976]

Hi! I have no experience here to lend, but I think it would be neat if you could even let them pick their names? (with your approval of course) That might make it fun, and not so weird for them...I hate to ask but the curiosity is killing me...What are their names now? If it's none of my business that's okay..

[missw005]

Leah1976...

I have been through this with foster and adoption - all kids with drug/alcohol parents, and I also wonder about that whole idea...

The twins were named Chance (boy) and Journey (girl) - now Chance was unique, and I liked it, but Journey....bmom admitted she was high when she named her - and she was this beautiful, blonde-haired, blue-eyed little girl...

My oldest son's name was Rajohn, but the fparents pronounced it Ray-john, emphasis on the ray part, and it reminded me of a toilet manufacturer in our area. So I changed it to RahJohn - but we call him John or John William (my kids' middle names are family names - our family's way is to honor an older family member - alive or deceased - to honor them. John William is named for my Great-Uncle)

My youngest son's name was Marqha, but people kept mis-pronouncing it as "Mark-ha" - so I changed the spelling to make in more phonetic - Marquay (Mark-way). At first we all disliked it, or thought we'd call him Mark, but it started to grow on us and though it's unique, it really fits his personality, so we kept it. (His middle name is Martin, for my grandpa - not a lot of names go well with Marquay!)

I'm currently a possible placement for Oscar - but I'm debating about the name. The name is ok, and we're in an area with lots of Norwegian/Swedish names, but he's African American and I'm not sure that's the best name for him as my last name is Dutch - as my friend says, "he just can't get more white-sounding (whatever that really means, but I kinds of get what they're trying to say)

I looked at adopting a boy a few years ago, and his name was 20-something letters long, very few vowels, totally unpronounceable - I asked the SW where they got it and she said the bparents were teens, and it was the name of a video game character. I said, "what do they call him?" She replied, "Andy." (lol)

But you have a safety issue as well....
I think you should change them, especially for the little one - maybe let the oldest help pick their own name and get their okay on the younger two's names. Are their middle names livable? Maybe keep the middle names. Also some parents keep the first names and use the middle names instead - using just the initial for the first name (ie., Z. Taylor Smith)

Good luck with this one!
Sandy

[radkat]

My three kids have very unique sounding names. The middle name of one of the twins is Money. For them we decided as a family to change their names to a shortened version of their first names and I got to pick out new middle names for them. (Simone and Janae)

My soon-to-be son was a little harder, his name is the first three letters of the biomom's name and the first three letters of the biodad's name. His name sorta fits him...so I really don't want to change it. He did pick a new middle name (Jayden)

My oldest daughter also has a very uniquely spelled name, Shavaughna (pronounced Sha-vonna). I decided not to change it. I didn't like how it was spelled at first but it's grown on me.

In our home we say that their first names are a gift from their firstmoms and their middle names are a gift from me. Something to last forever from the two women who love them the most.

Kat

[LadyBugz]

My boss decided to rename her first adopted daughter, then once she brought her home thought the old name fit her, and now needs to legally change her name back to her original name. The second girl could have been named practically anything; they weren't going to change it! They did add family middle names.

I know two other girls who were clear that they wanted new names for their new lives. One kept the original first name for a legal name and went by her new "first" name, which was really her middle name.

I am torn. We already have names chosen. And have a history of family naming (in which the first is a family name and the middle is her own). But we are looking in the 2-5 age range, so the child will already know her own name. I think it depends on the family.

I am of the personal persuasion of a name fitting the life circumstances. Change it if you want. ha ha ha. That's my theory. I find it easy to tell others that! Mine is just my name... no real connection positive or negative. And, I am told I was called a derivative of my middle name until about 6 when I moved in with my grandparents and they called me by my first name. My sister was called a derivative of her middle name until high school, when she started going by her first name because her middle name was the state we had just moved to. It really isn't all that big of a deal.

So with your ages, the real issue is only the 4 year old. Concerning himself and what he has known his siblings as. I would make it a fun game type of event if you re-name. Not a solemn event or unspoken. Talk about it. Involve them if you want (I personally wouldn't in the choosing as I know what I want). But if you do, don't leave it up to the four year old. You'll end up with kids named after cartoon characters or inanimate objects, or a very broken-hearted little one when you turn the names down. But you might give the four year old a choice of your favorite two or three names to make him feel in control, but still maintain some structure. I don't know which genders they are, but say the oldest is a boy and the two youngest girls. You could pick two girl names and two boy names. Let the oldest pick between the two names for himself, and which of the two girls gets which name. (Okay, you are John Michael. Now we have to choose names for the girls. Which one should be Margaret Alicia and which one Bridget Anne?) Throw a family day party, have festivities, and start it out with a "crowning" in which you re-name them. With all the silliness you can muster, of course. With your royal jester actions, you can re-name them "Princess Catherine" "Prince Mark" and "Princess Leah" or some other such event. Then you can call the four year old by title and name, making it a game. Slowly, the title can fade. "And how are you today my princess?" "Where is my adorable Princess Leah?" etc. This is just one idea of many I'm sure others can come up with. But I am just emphasizing that however your family does it, to make the name change a positive change. And at that age, it won't be long before they are saying they have had that name as long as they can remember.

Also, you asked when to start using the names. I would start "unofficially" and casually after talking about and deciding on it with the 4 year old, but when you talk about it, set a day in which it will be official (maybe the adoption day, as everything is set forever then). So you could say the original name mostly, throwing in the new name several times a day when you are doing the closest parenting: bathing, feeding, tucking in to bed. Then it is a wonderful, loving connection and gives you the opportunity to say it with a bit of an exaggeration or over-emphasis on loving/cuddly attitude making it less serious but very important. And start using it more and more until the old name is phased out completely on the special day that the child knows and can look forward to.

So, those are my humble and non-educated ideas. I am curious how others dealt with this as it is something I am wondering about too.

[Kate1129]

For the 4 year old let him/her pick from your list of names. The other's just change it. Be sure to use the new name with the old one. Like Kayla Joanna. Then you will be able to drop the Joanna part. If they are legally free, I'd use the new names right away.

If there are saftey issues, I would change them and not give it a second thought!!!

Good luck!

[mominiowa]

My husband and I change the names on the two children we adopted. I did so because of the first child's parents and grandparents were on the violent side and the second the parents are in the next county and had abuse problems with previous children. So it was for safety issues.

The first child was a little girl and we got choosen to be her parents when she was 16 months old and her name was Mystic Rose. We did not like it at all. So we changed it right away to Kathryn Anne. She did not have any problems with the name change.

The second child we adopted, we got at 6 days old and in foster care. We had to call him his name till the parents rights were terminated. About the first 5 months then we changed it. His name was OK but it was not my favorite, so we changed it. My daughter , who is 5, had no problem with changing his name or the kids at daycare.

With your first child, the adoption specialist, suggested that we pick a name that sounded like her first name Mystic, like Missy or Melissa, something like that. But we chose not to. I would think this would be better for older children that already know their name.

[init4good]

i just adopted a 2 yr and 3 yr old. my youngest had a decent name, but the oldest DIDNT. i fostered them for 1 1/2 yrs before adopting, so she had to go by the horrible name. when the adoption process started, i let the 3 yr old pick her own name, and we have had no problems. we used the 'anna anna fo fanna, banana fanna fo fanna....' song, and she just loved it.

[sfbaymom2000]

It sounds like a lot of you have very good reasons to change a child's name...like safety issues. However, I would not take this issue too lightly, or be too casual about it. In many cases, a child's name is the only thing he has left from his birthparents, and it is a huge part of his identity. I would never change a name simply because I didn't like it. Again, if safety was an issue, or the name is just so bizarre...that is another story. I have read many posts on the Adult Adoptee section where adoptees felt very violated by having their birth name taken away. Just something to think about.

[tlc4kidz]

I very personally know 3 adult adoptees whose names were changed, 2 like their new names better and 1 doesn't feel strongly either way. I did alot of asking around when we adopted, because it is a big decision. We ended up keeping our then 21 month old's name the same, but changed her 7 month old brother's. We talked at length with their birthparents and chose a name that honored them.....it actually means "son of *****" (birthdad's name). I just think you can get into some sticky situations later if you change without regard to their bio-family. However, it sounds like your situation is extreme in the amount of risk, so I would seriously take the cw's advice on that.

The one thing to consider....even though their bparents have apparently done something horrendous to get all 3 kids tpr'ed, try to find out something good about them to pass on....are they naturally talented in art or music? Do they have beautiful hair or smiles? You know what I mean....it will mean SO much to your kids down the road to have something positive to see a part of themselves in. Congrats on your upcoming adoption!!!

[kmarr]

Change their names. You have been waiting a long time to adopt and it is a special event to name your children what you want. They are young enough to change their names. Think of all the nicknames a child hears most of the time. My two adapted fine to their new names and are very proud of them.

[Navy_RP_Wife]

We are currently waiting to foster adopt after several years of infertility treatments and we have one bio son who is 9. We are a very transient family as DH is in the Navy. Currently we are stationed in Hawaii where this is known as a cultural meddling pot. We are a CA family and the child we adopt most likely will be transracial. We have waited a very long time for another child and definately feel that even though this is not our bio child, this is our child. One of the most fun and amazing things when i was pregnant was choosing the baby's name. Its a parent responsibility and right to do so. We have decided to change the child's name: we have had a boy and a girl name choosen for several years as we waited for them to come. Well, now they are just coming in a different way. What we have decided to do is keep their birth first and middle name and use them in combo as their middle name and add our first name. This covers many things: if they feel we have stolen their identity by changing their name, their birthname will still be a legal name that they can use AND we get to name our new child. Of course, if the child is older: we said we would go up to the age of 5, we will offer them a choice of this name or that name. Another thing we considered was the fact that this is a Hawaiian child and will most likely have a very hard to pronounce name that will forever be mispronounced by us mainlanders. The names we have choosen is a more easily pronounced Hawaiian name and that is Noelani (pronounced No-lani) and Mackenzie (the name we have had choosen forever). Some people seriously disagree with this decision to changes names. But these kids haven't come from a very good life or parents, for if they did, they wouldn't have been removed from their bf. It sounds cold, but it is true. I have no desire to rob them of their identity, but I want them to know that when they were ______ they have a bad life but as _______ they will only know love and care. I also started a thread on this topic under Waiting to Adopt I think, if you want to check and see what people have said about this subject there. Best of luck!

[tlc4kidz]

Naming issue aside, and something you might want to consider or talk with a counselor or adoption specialist about......it might not be a good idea to tell them their previous life was "bad" and current life good. It's true, they are in care for a reason, but their history is all they know and I'm sure you learned in class that no matter how abusive or destructive a birthparent is, they are still loved by the child. I'm not saying that's healthy or right, but I don't think telling them they were bad will help in healing the wounds.....they are a part of the child and so the child starts feeling like they are also "bad". Just my opinion, and something to consider.....I'm sure there's as many opinions out there as there are people.

[sanleanne]

This is what i wrote on another thread...

We adopted a girl at age 11 and she did not want her name changed. Our social workers strongly suggested not changing a name (first) if a child is old enough to understand that it is their name, unless it is a name that is associated with a drug use (sometimes a girl will be named crystal because of methamphetamines and once we saw a foster child named Tequila!). Our daughter's BF had threatened to find and kidnap her so we changed her middle name and last name AND social security number. We talked it over with her and she agreed with the middle name as is was associated with her BF and she did not want it. We let her pick out the name so that it felt like her own choice. We read a book about adopting children before we went through the process and there were stories of children whose first names were changed and those children associated the old names with being bad...why else would their new parents want to change it if it wasn't bad? That is what they think...they don't understand our desire to have some ownership or naming rights...so then the children sort of became two personalities. The new name would be the good child and when they were bad they would call themselves by the other name. I think when children are adopted they are stripped of everything that is theirs by birthright (name, religion, relatives and friends, place, etc.) and not of their own will. At least keeping their name, something so personal that is all their own, can make them feel not so ripped apart.

Leanne

bio mom of 22 year old son
Adoptive mom of 14 year old girl (finalized 10/4/01)

[Navy_RP_Wife]

Oh, I didn't mean that we would actually tell her that her life before was bad and this one will be perfect. What I meant more is that things that happened there will not happen here. In my heart of hearts, I know that the child will still have love for their bp, even if it is hard to understand why. Everyone has very strong feelings on the subject of changing names, but I guess it comes down to doing what is right for the child and their family. I wish, we as the adoptive parents, could erase all the fear, hurt, bruises, scars and pain of the life that they have lived. This will be my greatest challenge in adopting: I simply can not do that, but in time, hopefully, we can let her know how it feels to be loved, held, cherished and cared for as a child should be. I can not explain why I feel it is ok to change names, or why we feel strongly about changing their name. I guess the only advice is to do what you think is right.


Lori