[Momshi]

We would like your input as to where and with whom foster children visits should best be exchanged.

For example, we have an 11 yr. old foster son who has been with us for five days and will be able to have unsupervised visitation with his mothers boyfriend of six years. He has been a father figure to him and our fs calls him his dad.

Herein lies the problem. We do not want to interact with the 'dad' just in case problems may arise later from having close contact, which is a good possibility considering the 'family' history. This man has been known to drink and become violent in the past. Actually, two years ago our fs was in foster care while the parents worked a case plan, did well and now the situation is back, only, much worse on the mother's side that we know about. If the dad shows up at McD's or a park etc., with alcohol on his breathe, the caseworker said not to let our fs in the car and call the police. We do not want to deal with this. As my husband says, he doesn't want to be doing the department's dirty work for them. So...............

Any suggestions on how to make the best exchange. The CW suggested the sherrif's office but we didn't want our fs to get bad feelings about the police or making him feel as if he was bad. But, if there seems to be a chance now that the 'dad' may end up having alcohol on his breath, maybe the sherrif's office would be the best place???

Thank you for any help.

[kalynn]

Momshi, Can you find out where the visit will happen and drop your fs off as well as pick him up, so that he potentially will not have to be transported by his Dad? Personally, I would want to know that I did what I could to keep the child safe. However, I think the child as well, at his age needs to start taking some responsibility for his own saftey. He needs to be advised not to enter a vehicle with anyone who has alchohol on their breath and needs a back up plan should this occur. Could/would he contact you to come and get him if he felt this were to occur? I am agreeing with you on limiting your interaction with the Dad, however, should you get close enough to smell alchohol on his breath, I would not allow your fs to then enter his vehicle. That is why drop/off - pick up would be my first choice. See that he is safely in the care of his Dad and wave good bye from a distance. Good luck, Kalynn.

[Momshi]

Kaylnn, I think I may not have been too clear in part of my post. The person we would be taking him to see for the visitation would be his 'dad.' His dad has a history of drinking and some violence, yet, the mother abandoned him and is on a crack binge and has absolutely no visitation rights and our CW thinks she does not want the child. Sad, when she is straight our fs and his mom have a good relationship.

The dad (mother's boyfriend of six years she lives (now, lived with) is only able to see our fs on the weekends. So, the department's rooms for visitation or pick up there would be closed and out of the question. We'd have to drop him off to see the dad, with the dad, and pick him up from the dad.

Teaching him not to go with his dad if he smells alcohol on his breath is a good idea, and having a backup plan if he should drink while our fs is there.

PS. Tomorrow when our fs comes home from school his CW will be here and break the news that his mom is gone again, didn't show up in court and has NO visitation rights. He is tenderhearted and worried about his mom and misses her. He will be devastated. Anyone else been througn this and have any suggestions to offer? Thank you!

[Michellemomof5]

In response to the news of the bmom not showing up. I would really leave all bad news to your social worker. We have been through this a couple times, and you do not want your fson to associate the bad news with you.

Our social worker did a really nice job filling in the children of the news. Another time they had the therapist tell them.

We were put in a similiar situation with a bparent as well. I learned a lot of things from our kids. The best thing I learned was to be manipulative. I always thought, feared that if there was a chance that these kids were going to go home. I wanted to be on the bparents good side, therefore leaving that door open when the children left. I am not saying to lie, I am saying to lower your gaurd and be at there level.

Our child was picked up one day and my husband was positive that the mom was stoned. Quick thinking, we just really let her know that we did not want to risk the chance of her losing all rights to the child by taking him and getting into an accident. The bmom broke down and just could not cope with all that was happening, agreed and all was safe. The child did go home breifly, and as expected it did not work. We had daily contact with the bmom and fson during the reunification and it felt good to know he was Ok.

I hope that this has helped a little, Good luck!

[lonzygray]

All of our visitations have been facilitated by the Department of Social Services. They have a visitation room where the visit takes place and they also did all the transporting so there would be no chance meetings. If they do not have such a place where you are, it is still their responsibility to allow you to stay private and help with these visits. Certainly a better place than the police station could be found. Do you have a community center? What about a mall or game room or a place to play pool? If nothing else, maybe their visit could be a meal out somewhere? Also, it is the responsibility of the Department to make sure the person this child is visiting is in "good health" and not drinking... seems to me there is a failure on the Departments behalf. It seems to me that these visits should be supervised if he has a history of drinking and you would have a good case to request that. If they don't do something about it, I would keep pushing. This is a serious issue which could cause a lot of harm to this child. Go above your CW and see what can be done. This child certainly has enough going on without having to deal with this as well. Remember, though, this child is attached to this man and at 11, it's not something that is going to be broken. DSS should be able to continue these visits in a healthy way. Don't stop pushing them for a healthy solution. It is that child's right to be protected!

[MOFosterMom]

My unsupervised visits for my older foster boys, 11 & 8? Well, I made it clear that all visits were to be scheduled only via the social worker, I had major issues with my number being given out/harassment.

Anyway.....

I told the family that I was willing to meet halfway (because there is a 45 mile) spread between our places on Saturday's only from 12-9. I made it clear that if I smell alcohol on their breath or the vehicle that is brought doesn't have proper restraints/seat belts for the amount of people in the car then I would not hand the children over.

If I had been concerned about a meeting location or the "where to" for safety sake, you can always find a lively public location or meet at a police station, eh?

Also, I am firm on the fact that I will only wait 15 min from the scheduled pick-up time when they are to be picked up from me. No if's and's or but's about it. Many times the no shows and lack of responsibility to be on time "can" be a problem. I resolve that issue with a known limit in place. This way there is no foul lies that can come back at me saying I wasn't there, what? 1/2 hr later? I do have a life.

I log every event, time, place and "comments" that happen. I feel that is SO important!!! Date books and calendars (which I use) can be entered as evidence of improper visitation requirements.

After a visit had ended, (being in the same situation as you with drugs and alcohol being an issue), I had smelled beer so my advice is to call (even if it's only a message) and ASAP tell their worker. I was also informed that making "hotline" calls in this situation is impt. because hotline calls affect the case and covers "you" on making sure you've informed the state of their behavior. Any hotline calls, even though the children are in "your" physical custody will be directly dealt with by DFS through some form of investigation and will only "add on" to the list that may already be growing on them to begin with.

Mo.FosterMom

[Momshi]

Hi, MOFosterMom. A good reply. Ah, but now that particular fs is back home. With....guess who? His mother's ex-boyfriend, since he is the father of our fs's half sibling. Mother is out of the picture. We did meet the 'father' and all was fine. But, we would have reported him immediately to our fs caseworker if we suspected alcohol. Actually, we are allowed to pick him up for Sunday school! It turned out well.

But, we wish we hadn't have met the ** with our other fs. In the future we intend to stick with our gut feeling and not meet the bios if it can be done. Maybe near the end of the case plan and all is going very well.

BTW, we have allowed our last Sat. visit. Too many lates and no shows. Our weekend plans ruined. Now it will be on a weekday afternoon for 3 hours instead of a Sat. for four hours. If the kids get stood up again, the CW will have to make the visits happen. We'll have the kids ready and they can transport. We have had so much time and plans wasted.

[2HappyToads]

Momshi,

My reply might be too late for your original situation - but in the future a bit if advice that might be helpful. I live in Northern Colorado and we have a fantastic CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) agency that has two "sites" set up for court ordered visitations that they have extended to the community as facilities for all other visitation situations, transfers, and family meetings. They have CWs and Staff on hand to observe if needed and will also work with families going through disolution to keep mom and dad apart if necessary (mom drops off kids 15 minutes before dad is scheduled to pick them up to avoid any confrontation infront of kids). Check with your local United Way agency to see if there is a CASA in your community that might have the same service offering. I don't have kids yet - but was throughly impressed that this service is available for any/all parents needing a safe place for visitation and transfer.

Good Luck!