[Howdy]

What is an appropriate response to a 7 year old foster child who is scheduled to move to an almost-unknown bio-parent in a month when she asks me (a zillion times now) if I will miss her and if I want her to stay?

I don't want to add to any reluctance to leave, but I don't want her to feel like she isn't totally loved here either. So far I've told her that I will miss her alot but that I'm happy she'll be moving to her Dad and not have to be a foster-kid anymore. I've been trying to side-step the 'do i want her to stay' question because I don't know what response is best.

She is also getting kind of weird in the past few days, talking a lot about animals getting killed. I think (tho it is hard to tell because she makes up so many of the things she says) that probably she really had a cat that was killed by someone at her birth-home, but suddenly the past few days (I think stirred up by the emotions of the planned move to her Dad) she is making up all sorts of stories like: when she was little she found a baby bear and raised it and a man shot it so she shot him; when she was little she found a baby deer and raised it and a man stabbed it to death so she took the knife and killed him; and then in the car the other evening she said (right when we were passing the local graveyard) that she heard a dog calling for help, and then several seconds later she said oh he is dead now. And then at bedtime she said God told her [I forget exactly what it was, but another animal that had died].

Then this morning she came crying into the bathroom when I was putting on my makeup and said the cat in the movie she was watching while eating breakfast had been killed but that I wouldn't understand it. The movie was Hocus Pocus, a kid's movie on the Disney channel, and altho I wasn't watching it, I asked her questions and apparently it was a person who'd been turned into a cat hundreds of years before and then in the end of the movie the cat was killed by the bad witches and somehow that liberated the cat to become a person again. So I pointed out that it was a good thing the cat was killed because he didn't really die he turned back into a person, but my foster-daughter just responded that she knew I wouldn't understand!

I suppose I need to call the caseworker, maybe she can expedite getting the kid a therapist (we're between therapists, but just had an 'intake' appointment at a new therapy place, I'm not sure how long it'll take to get a new therapist).

[lucyjoy]

How much longer until she moves in with dad? It sounds like she's feeling very out of control which equals unsafe which equals death in her mind. The longer his gets dragged out, the more traumatic it must seem for her.

You're responses to the missing me questions sound good. As for the do you want me to live here, you might try something like-I've really enjoyed our time together. I know you're dad must be very excited that you are coming to stay with him. I will always have good memories about the time you spent with me.

Also, they should be having the therapy set up with the dad in his area.

[Howdy]

Its supposed to be another 5 weeks before the transition. The bio-dad lives in another state.

So is a long transition harder on kids than a short one? I thought it was supposed to help?

Now she is 'not feeling good' alot and had me take her temperature yesterday and today. Last night she wouldn't let go of my hand at bedtime and was practically hysterically giggly. I don't know what to do to help, I will try your responses. She had a nice email from her new step-mom-to-be and sometimes she seems happy enough about going and told me very proudly she won't be in fostercare anymore.

[lucyjoy]

I think long transitions are horrible for kids. The back and forth just messes with them. There's the element of the unknown that sparks fear and send imaginations running wild. Will dad change his mind? What if a I get there and their mean or they don't want me? All the what ifs and no control over them.

[aspenhall]

The response to do you want me to stay should be something along the lines of 'Of course, everybody wants to live with you!Look how excited your dad and step mom are? Who wouldn't want to live with you?" This reinforces their sense of being wanted and also reinforces that she isn't the variable in and out of other people's lives, but emphasizes that her life is the constant and dominant one.

[newkid]

I know your original post is old, but we are about to go through the same thing with our foster daughter. She recently met the bio parent for the first time, she didn't even know about this person. We thought we were going to adopt her until this person popped up at the last minute. Were you allowed continued contact?
It breaks my heart that she has to go but she has to. I want to make it as easy as possible for her . . . has the passage of time helped YOU?

[Howdy]

Yes, I've been very lucky that the bioDad and his family are nice and friendly and allow contact.
My social worker recommended I read The Child's Journey Through Placement, and that book said it was good if the child can have a visit from the previous caregiver at the new home soon after the move and then have the child return for a visit at the previous placement a much longer time period later (I'm not sure how long, maybe a year or more).
So I asked the bioDad/step-mom if I could come visit her after she moved in with them and they were fine with that. I drove up over a weekend (it is out of state) and stayed at a motel. I got to take my ex-fd out to McDonald's alone (though I invited the others to come). I'd finally (didn't have time until after my fd left!) gotten the sort-of-life-book put together, with the foster paperwork, pictures of things we did together, and pictures of her first visit to meet her bioDad (I'd taken her out of state to meet them before the move, and that overnight visit had helped her adjustment tremendously). The life-book seemed to be a little too much for her to handle emotionally, and she got very giggly and silly, but I suppose it will help her process her experience as time goes by.

The parents had her call me on Christmas (though they very embarrassedly got back on the phone to explain they had told her my present was from me, but I understood totally how she doesn't pay attention to things you tell her, and I was just glad it was one she liked so much.)

I still get regular emails, though it is mostly between her step-mom and me, because first graders aren't the best correspondents!

I miss her alot sometimes, especially when my current fd is misbehaving! It is so easy to forget the misbehavior of the prior child, ha!

[jamie3]

So how is she doing? Was she able to get therapy?

[Howdy]

No, the therapy office took a couple months after the intake before they finally called to make an appointment, and by then it was only 1 week before the transition, so we agreed it was too late. The bioDad/step-mom were going to arrange therapy on their end. I don't know if they did or not, but since the placement is being overseen by a social worker for a half a year (or something like that), they probably have.

She was such a happy kid (except for during that in-limbo period) that I don't know how important therapy will be for her. Before she was placed with me, I'd met with the therapist she had been seeing during her previous placement, and he'd said she would not need continued visits after her life stabilized (at the time that meant after being adopted by me).

I expect she will be pretty content in her new family situation, because it turned out she had several unknown siblings on that side of her family, and although they are grown up, they have children (that are her nieces and nephews) and live nearby and visit a lot, so now (although she writes that she misses the country and farm animals), I think having a lot of family will be better than therapy.