[broncopooh]

For two months now, my neice and nephews have been in my home as foster children. They are my stepsisters. Don't know if it matters.
Recently, their mom has stopped visits,until she goes thru treatment. They were only once a week for 2 hrs, because it hurt her to see them and would be drunk for the weekend because of it. Alcohol is one of her problems. They have also given her a list of objectives and she claims she cant do it because it is to much. The oldest is 5 1/2 and the twins are 21 months. They have 2 older brothers who are currently living with their dad, different dads, because of severe neglect. Such as leaving the twins with someone else for 3 months with no contact and hitting one of the twins in the head.
We recently found out the 5 yr old was sexually abused by the older brother, so no contact now and the 5 yr old did tell mom and nothing was done.
Basically I was wondering if this is hurting her and helping me with keeping them in the family. She admits that they are better off here, they were being raised by her friend and husband, but MAJOR SPOILING was an issue.
Dad is in jail for parole violation with extra added inappropriate behavior during visits. He doesn't see the kids.
Was wondering how my end looks. I do have a live-in boyfriend who is also on the foster/adopt license but I would do the adoption myself.

[Mom2eight]

It is for sure the best thing for those kids to still be part of the same family if possible. Visits do make parents sad. Can you imagine seeing someone else doing the job you are supposed to be doing and have screwed up. It would tear your heart out. If you are going to foster and help send those kids home to their mom once she gets herself together include her. Make her feel her input is vital to you taking care of her kids. Because I bet there is lot of it that is. If she is going to relinquish and you plan not to foster but to adopt then things change. You do not empower her to be the parenting mom, but honor her role as their first mother and learn and share what you can with her. Even a mom who has chosen not to parent because of whatever reasons has love and feelings and pain over her decision. We need to embrace the parts she is able to give to her children and help make them as whole as possible and help give her power in her decision.
Your job is a hard one. Hang in there and keep your compassion. It sounds like you are doing a great job.
Kathleen

[broncopooh]

I think what i wrote earlier was a little confusing.

I understand that it is painful to have your children taken from you and only see them once a week for 2 hrs. But also, the twins havent lived with her for about a year now. That is her doing, someone offered to take care of them and let her see them when she wanted. Which wasn't often, and the 5 yr old was left to his 2 older brothers to be taken care of.

It s a little different beings it's family and i know the things she has said. I do believe the best place for a child is with it's parent but not always is it the best for them. I would just like to be able to keep them in the family. Just don't know how it looks with me being a stepsister, none of her blood family can take them. Sometimes it is the little things like that, that can get you instead of something major.

The kids are great kids and the twins are on target. Which is a relief. The older one needs help with letters and numbers before school but i think he is ADD, was supposed to be checked last year but it never got done.

Thanks for listening.

[Just Julie]

I'll probably catch you-know-what for my opinion, but here goes. I applaud your compassion for the kids and desiring to give them a safe home, but what kind of message are you sending by having a live-in boyfriend? Why do you not get married? Or separate? You place the children at another disadvantage. There is not even a pretense of stability if there is no committment to marriage. Their lives have already been disrupted by parental irresponsibility and abuse. A live-in situation messes with their minds. I know I'm old-fashioned, but it's what I believe is best for adults and children. I didn't come up with this idea. I believe God designed us this way.

[shnoogiepoo]

I don't know about her situation. But I do know about ours and what a messed up state Arizona is. Lets see where to begin. Ohh yeah... Well for starters in Arizona you have to have been married a year before you can even THINK about adopting or fostering... lets see what else... ohhh yeah... you can live together and that's perfectly fine and one of you can adopt and they find that perfictly acceptable, but heaven forbid you even consider getting married and all bets are off and the kids are pulled and you are ineligible. So Arizona says they don't care if you've lived together 3 months or 30 years that is better than having been living togehter for X amount of time and then being married for less than a year. They discourage it by thier rules. So people who suddenly find themselves with kids don't always have that option, like they would like to.

[broncopooh]

Old fashioned

For starters not to defend myself, but I don't believe in getting married to someone who has children that I don't know. He has 3 older children from his first marriage and until I get to know them better we will not be getting married. His ex won't let them come to SD because she fears they won't come back to UT.

Knowing these childrens backgrounds, beings they are family and I have known them since they were born, they are comfortable and in a much better enviroment. Especially when you have a 5 yr old going around the house singing the Barney song and saying we are a family.

Since all of this their mom has not seen them for a month and didn't go to her jucification hearing. So pardon me for sticking up for my family but they are here and I will do what ever it takes to make sure they are safe. Since we receintly found out about sexual abuse with the oldest.

My background is ; Was previously married with foster/adopt license for 2 yrs.
Got divorced, maintained foster/adopt license
Met my boyfriend,,,,,,,,,,he moved in,,,,,,,,, took classes and is on the license as well.......
Have had license now for 6 yrs.