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  #1  
Old 12-25-2011, 08:02 PM
skylas skylas is offline
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frustrated scared...single mom

I have a 3 year old daughter...4 at the end of april. For the large majority of her life I have been taking care of her with no help. And when I say no help I do not mean purely no help from her father but also well no help at all. Eventually there was child support ordered...of which he avoided for 6 months. I don't trust his family, (for multiple quite understandable reasons not just because i do not like them) and I prefer her not being around my own family.

I broke up with and kicked him out of the place I was living at when she was around 1 and a half but even before that it was nearly 90% 95% of the time me taking care of her, making sure she had what she actually needed while he would ********* and whine about me not letting him buy what he WANTED.

Anyways after some bad stuff happend i entirely disallowed him to even be in my house but NEVER i repeat NEVER told him he couldent see his kid...infact for more then a year well pretty much since she was born actually I was BEGGING him to spend any time with her. Setting everything and all of that.

Eventually it came to be too much and I just left it up entirely to him when he would come and see her. Which let to months between visits then at one point a full year. Magically his family decided to move back to the city I was in and suprise suprise sponging son moved back with them.

Now he was asking to see her so i said fine. I asked him to set up a day each week where he would come visit her to start off with. He showed up two maybe weeks in a row on that day...then didnt show up for 3 weeks on that day.

I then moved about 30mins away informed him which city I was in and that if he wanted to see her just call me set a day and i would meet him etc.

He is now insisting on having my address which I refuse due to some issues he previously caused me. But this is not me refusing for him to see her. He threatened me with lawyers which makes no sense...im not keeping her from him. He also says the stupidest things like i should bring her to him,... even when we were in the same city. He never asks if we need anything etc. And when he comes to see her he always has someone else with since she was very young.

I dunno all this is leading to how unbearable my life is when he just decides to randomly show up see her once or twice then dick off and slander me to his friends.

He was the one who convinced me to keep my kid in the first place then he just ********ed off and acted like this.

Im thinking of giving my near 4 year old up for adoption because im facing the fact that while her father isent father of the year material im certainly not trophy mom either. I started off with the best of intentions but I cant count the amount of times I think to myself, "should I have given her up for adoption?"
There is serious questioning in my ability to be a parent. And while I do not want him to have her as its obivous he is quite incapeable...i cant take all the crap anymore. From him, from his family, from the drama, from the lies, from the everyday dealing with a young child.

Its really grating on me and has been for a very long time.

I hear about mothers who give their child up for adoption and regret that choice...but how often do you hear of someone like me who regrets the choice of keeping their own child?

I was talked into in a way.

Well im still thinking of it...and they way things are in my life with me with my kid, my ex butting in, causing issues, me not being stable, trying to go to school to....everything... shes nearly 4 and i dont want my own kid?

i feel beyond disgusted at myself....
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  #2  
Old 12-26-2011, 06:45 AM
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bromanchik bromanchik is offline
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It is never a good idea to place a child for adoption under extreme stress, which is what you are facing now. You sound like you need support to be a parent... guidance from someone you trust, a babysitter so you can have some alone time, etc. Raising a child is really tough in the best of circumstances, it is harder on your own.

Before you place, please, please, please, get some assistance. There are counseling and parenting programs for single moms, there are online support groups, there are parenting programs and moms groups.

Is her Dad helping with financial assistance at all? If not, take him to court.

If you need any referrals, pm me. Frustration and being overwhelmed can be addressed. It is not a good reason to place.
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  #3  
Old 12-26-2011, 06:49 AM
ruth74 ruth74 is offline
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I'm so sorry things are so hard for you now. I don't think you are disgusting at all. I chose single parenting (adopted as a single parent) and there are still days when it's really hard.

I can't tell this from your post, but I am wondering if you really don't want to be a parent or if you think you aren't good enough? If you imagine never seeing your daughter again, how does that feel? You may want to think about these when you try to figure out what decision you really want to make.

If it's "all the crap" from your ex and his family that you can't deal with, there are ways to work through that. Do you have a local legal aid group? If so, they will help with custody issues. If you can get a court order specifying in detail what his visitation rights are, you can simply refer him to that if he wants to argue. You can ask that visitation be supervised, in a public place, etc. You'll need legal help if you decide to relinquish as well, especially since your ex might not agree. You say you are in school - most schools have counseling centers that are free or low-cost for students; that could be a great resource for helping you figure out everything that's going on - including whether you want to parent or not, and how to do it if you do. If you want to parent but don't think you do it well enough, there are often free parenting classes and support groups available.

It sounds like, no matter what you do, you need to build your support system. If you don't have that through your family, find it through your friends, your religious group (if you have one), your classmates - wherever you can. Find other single moms or other moms who have relinquished - people who can understand what you are going through.

You are the only one who can make the right choice for you and your daughter. Neither choice makes you a bad parent. I would just urge you not to do it out of being scared and overwhelmed. Find a place where you can get some emotional support, and a place where you can safely work through what you want to do. Also, know that you can always come here for support.
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  #4  
Old 03-07-2012, 09:05 PM
LJ6 LJ6 is offline
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I remember my sister, who hates kids, asking me on a bad day if I regretted having kids.

I said "yes". I have always regretted saying that as she just caught me at a bad time.

I have always been a single mum, my sons are 12 and 21 now. It's been a hard life for all of us but we are really, really tight. We love each other, we laugh a lot together and we are a unit. We turn off the lights of any room we are not in and we re-use our (own) towels.

But they love me and I love them and they love each other. We know how to play board games, card games and we can all cook nice meals from scratch. Eldest son is at University and youngest is at a private school because we have always known that we are it - we are a unit.

If I get a break in a cash birthday present I share it in a meal out for all of us.

If either of my sons gets a break they share with each other - they would share with me but I won't let them.

BUT I remember crying with loneliness and boredom with my youngest. I would have given him away in a heartbeat if I could have done so.

Just bear with things for a couple of years and your rewards with be a thousand fold.
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  #5  
Old 06-23-2012, 01:25 PM
kharma84 kharma84 is offline
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I totally know where you are coming from. I was on the verge of giving my son up for adoption. he is three going on four in september. the counselor said that it would be traumatic for him and i was guilted into trying harder to work something out. children are so attached to parents no matter how bad of parents we think we are. everyday it seems i replay in my mind how i was convinced to keep my son and not adopt him out from the get go. i knew my mental health and marijuana issues would wreak havoc on his life in the first several years, but i kept him. i recently was on the news for putting up a website to find a family support to care for him until my baby comes and i get accustomed to caring for the newborn. i didnt want to totally give him up for adoption and cps and other adpoption agencies didnt have any answers at the time, not until the website was posted.
point is you have the weigh your options. i know how it is not to have the father there. mines comes a goes. no w i am on my second illegitimate child and that father is not in the picture much either. he promises to be when the baby comes but he is not supportive of me.
they say we can get thru it and receive that reward and i believe them but my faith isnt strong enough. yes i will keep my son because now my family was forced to face the fact that i wasnt bull crapping and need help but im still an emotional wreck. i guess im just here to say i support you and you can dump on me anytime. i can only listen but i know exactly where you are coming from and im sorry you are going through it alone.
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  #6  
Old 02-15-2013, 09:33 PM
justin1 justin1 is offline
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I felt really bad reading all the posts from all of you, there is so much of hardship. One has to go through so much of pain and stress but always remember this is just a small phase of life which would pass very quickly. Never let your child suffer the pain throughout his/her life by making him/her leave you. Not only you will suffer but the child as well because the scars would remain for life that way.
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  #7  
Old 04-17-2013, 08:03 PM
grtshell grtshell is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skylas
I have a 3 year old daughter...4 at the end of april. For the large majority of her life I have been taking care of her with no help. And when I say no help I do not mean purely no help from her father but also well no help at all. Eventually there was child support ordered...of which he avoided for 6 months. I don't trust his family, (for multiple quite understandable reasons not just because i do not like them) and I prefer her not being around my own family.

I broke up with and kicked him out of the place I was living at when she was around 1 and a half but even before that it was nearly 90% 95% of the time me taking care of her, making sure she had what she actually needed while he would ********* and whine about me not letting him buy what he WANTED.

Anyways after some bad stuff happend i entirely disallowed him to even be in my house but NEVER i repeat NEVER told him he couldent see his kid...infact for more then a year well pretty much since she was born actually I was BEGGING him to spend any time with her. Setting everything and all of that.

Eventually it came to be too much and I just left it up entirely to him when he would come and see her. Which let to months between visits then at one point a full year. Magically his family decided to move back to the city I was in and suprise suprise sponging son moved back with them.

Now he was asking to see her so i said fine. I asked him to set up a day each week where he would come visit her to start off with. He showed up two maybe weeks in a row on that day...then didnt show up for 3 weeks on that day.

I then moved about 30mins away informed him which city I was in and that if he wanted to see her just call me set a day and i would meet him etc.

He is now insisting on having my address which I refuse due to some issues he previously caused me. But this is not me refusing for him to see her. He threatened me with lawyers which makes no sense...im not keeping her from him. He also says the stupidest things like i should bring her to him,... even when we were in the same city. He never asks if we need anything etc. And when he comes to see her he always has someone else with since she was very young.

I dunno all this is leading to how unbearable my life is when he just decides to randomly show up see her once or twice then dick off and slander me to his friends.

He was the one who convinced me to keep my kid in the first place then he just ********ed off and acted like this.

Im thinking of giving my near 4 year old up for adoption because im facing the fact that while her father isent father of the year material im certainly not trophy mom either. I started off with the best of intentions but I cant count the amount of times I think to myself, "should I have given her up for adoption?"
There is serious questioning in my ability to be a parent. And while I do not want him to have her as its obivous he is quite incapeable...i cant take all the crap anymore. From him, from his family, from the drama, from the lies, from the everyday dealing with a young child.

Its really grating on me and has been for a very long time.

I hear about mothers who give their child up for adoption and regret that choice...but how often do you hear of someone like me who regrets the choice of keeping their own child?

I was talked into in a way.

Well im still thinking of it...and they way things are in my life with me with my kid, my ex butting in, causing issues, me not being stable, trying to go to school to....everything... shes nearly 4 and i dont want my own kid?

i feel beyond disgusted at myself....
Dear Skylas, I have walked in those shoes before and I know they are really hard to walk in. I did chose adoption for my daughter at 4 to my parents, they were wealthy, my husband and Ihad only been dating 4 months, and trying to get established. I was young when I had her. My hubby and I have been married 16 years and have a 13y/o son together. Now sitting on the other side of the adoption fence is hard to. I had to have an emergancy hysterectomy when my son was born, hense being on this side of the fence. The only advise I can give you is if you truly want to allow someone to adopt your angel then insist on an open adoption to parents who want and believe that is best for the child, I dont think it is possible for a child to have to much love! Being that I have experience on both sides if you need an ear I would love to talk. Michelle. Email grtshell@gmail.com
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  #8  
Old 05-21-2013, 08:27 AM
justin1 justin1 is offline
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I really feel bad that you have had to go through all this and I earnestly believe that things will be alright in the near future. Don't get frustrated and devastated. Take your time and analyze whether you want the kid's father in her life or not. If not then just sit and have a heart to heart chat with him and tell him to simply get out of your lives and let the two of you live peacefully.
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