[kelceesmom]

So, my ex once again was supposed to come and pick up our daughter for a few hours and didn't show up. He called my cell and I called him back within 20 minutes and got his voice mail. I told him to come over now and get her and I never heard from him. Kelcee went down for her nap (after crying herself to sleep because she wanted to see him) and when she woke up a few hours later we called him again to come over and get her to play with. I have yet to hear from him.

How do you explain this to a 3 year old. I let her know that he loves her and but must have had to go to work (a lie obviously) but I don't want to be the one telling her he is a bad guy. He seems to be doing that part on his own. I know he loves her but man I can not stand to see my baby cry because he is acting irriesponsible.

Sorry for the vent and that is probably all it is.

[qs mom]

A close friend of my had a similar situation. She stopped telling her boys that daddy was coming to visit. When he came up the driveway, she would tell them dad's here.

This way the kids weren't waiting to be disappointed and hurt. SHe would end up spending the day trying to explain why daddy didn't show up, trying to let them know it wasn't their fault, etc.

If they didn't know he was coming, they couldn't be hurt.

Her oldest son is 11 now. He has now decided that his dad unreliable. And he just takes him at face value. Her youngest son is 6. He is unfazed. He doesn't know when is dad is expected, so when he shows up, great, when he doesn't, he really doesn't know.

[Sniffles]

There really is not a way to tell them. Luckily for me, Big C had other family members that he went and spent time with. I had no idea where his dad was most of the time. As he got older he started to realize things about his dad on his own. Especially after his great-grandma died. She was the only on in that family who ever really cared about him and took the time to see him, so her death hit him really hard, then afterwards none of his family spoke to him for months. His behaviour went downhill and something needed to be done. That is when my husband and I decided to confront C's dad and tell him something has to change. It was decided that C can go and live with him to finish out school. It was the best decision we ever made for C. He is doing 10 times better. Plus he is spending some much needed time with his dad. However, I have realized that it is not a good thing for Little C. She is missing her bubba terribly. In fact tonight, she was crying histerically for him and nothing I did could make her calm down. So I told her to go and get her "bubba bear" (it is the one bubba gave to her) and I will go and get her something special. I went and got an old picture of him and gave it to her. I told her to hug her bubba bear and the picture to help her be closer to Bubba when he is not here. It worked. She went strait to bed with both and fell right asleep.

I know that what we did with my son can not help you in your situation, but maybe the idea I used for Little C could help. Does she have a special toy that he gave her? Give her an old picture of him and let her hug that special toy. It is hard to watch them get upset and there is nothing you can do about it. I also like q's mom's idea of just not telling them. I have used that one before with Big C. It does work. You do not have to say anything, actions do speak louder than words and Kelcee will realize that when she is older.

[jessnboys]

I completely understand! My boys were about that age when they started realizing their dad wasn't reliable. On my oldests 4th birthday Dad didn't show up. When he called a few days later, he told Dad " I understand you didn't come. It's ok b/c mom was here" and he hung up the phone. It broke my heart, but after telling my son soo many times that "something important must have come up and I'm sorry he didn't call to let us know" my son had enough. My boys are now almost 9 and don't have a relationship with their dad outside of a 1 hr visit every year or so...
Hang in there, it will get better

[JustPeachy]

My friend went through this with her ex and she reached a point where she didn't make any excuses at all for his behaviour. She would just acknowledge to her kids that it must hurt so much and she understood how disappointed they were, but she didn't know why their dad didn't call or show up, but they could ask him when they talked to him the next time. This way, it put the burden on him to explain his own actions, rather than the mom having to. Eventually, they realized he was not reliable and that was that. I do like the idea, though, of not telling them he is coming, thus not getting their hopes up. This way, when/if he does show, they can be pleasantly surprised.

[loveajax]

Denise, I don't have any advice, but I want to say that my heart was sad (for Kelcee, and for you too) when I saw this.

Are you divorced yet? In our state, couples are required to take parenting classes so that they can effectively "coparent" even if divorced. My friend said it was a good class (not for her, because she "got it" like you, but for her ex).

[kelceesmom]

Thanks love. I appreciate you thinking of us. The divorce is final as of a few weeks ago. We don't have to take a parenting class but that is a great law. To bad it isn't nationwide.

[nikkianni]

Denice, I am so sorry for you and especially for Kelcee.
I agree with a couple of the PPs. I don't think I'd tell her when he's supposed to be coming. Be ready, but treat it like a normal day. Then when he shows, great. And if he doesn't, she doesn't need to have that disappointment.
I truly hope he removes his head from where it's stuck before Kelcee gets old enough to stop caring and he loses out altogether.

[kelceesmom]

Thanks Nikki. I know I can't protect from everything but I sure can for awile.

[One_Happy_Momma]

Oh Denice, I'm so sorry that you're going thru this!

Can I go slap some sense into him??!?

I agree with the others, that maybe not telling her that he's coming for a visit until he's actually there.

Hugs to that little cutie of yours!

[kelceesmom]

Thanks Lupe. I'll send you my address! LOL

I've only been divorced for a month but it just seems like this has been going on forever.