[mckenna]

close friends and relatives know how my family was formed and i don't care what strangers think, but sometimes i feel the need to qualify that my kids are adopted to aquaitinces.

for example, i was at a wedding over the weekend of a close childhood friend. a lot of her cousins and aunts and uncles that i knew as a child were there. of course the subject of marriage and kids came up and before i knew it i was explaining that while i am single i have two kids through adoption, so they would not think i am just having kids with different men. why i did it i don't know. how do you handle these situations??? or does it just bother me?

[Guppy]

you explain it so many times and then stop... then you just come to a simplification that you are happy with and say a "cover version" of your situation... one that doesn't bring more questions usually...
It's wierd to be different and one gets tired of it...
that's how it is for me...

[waitinginnj]

My daughter will be home two years in October. I am finding that I am going through a real transition in how I view this stuff.

Prior to the adoption, I was so excited, I would talk to anyone (within reason) about it. After she came home, I was proud to share her accomplishments (I think that she is amazing) or I didn't want people to judge my duaghter when she didn't understand english, so I felt this compulsion to explain.

However, now I am starting to tire of "how long has she been home?" etc.

I really feel like we are a family now. Just a little family and how we came to be is no longer relevant.

I am slowing down the inquisitions with very short answers with no elaboration. I now get amused when people say, "she has your hair" and view it as my little secret that I can't take credit for her beautiful curly locks, but I no longer have the knee jerk reaction to explain it.

I feel like people are beginning to read my clues. (I hope.) I live in the northeast and there is every version of a family imaginable, so I don't get too many inquiries from strangers. But, I simply reply we are a family of two when they arise. How, when, why are really no one elses business.

I am curious to how others feel about this. Good post.

[momm2be]

I have just gotten to the point of saying she is my daughter, people can think what they want.

There is such an incredible visual resemblance between us, it doesn't raise many questions any more. Her behaviour and attitude have chilled too, so there is less explaining. All I hear now is she is certainly her mother's daughter.

Funny I see this, I just rewrote a note to her teacher to explain some language concerns. I first explained that she was adopted from Russia, then I decided to just say she recently moved here from Russia and only been speaking English for about 8 months. She can draw her own conclusion.

All the sudden it has not been so important as to how we became a family - just that we are.

[sbeardz]

I used to feel the need to explain our situation, but now I only do in certain situations, like at church, before people start making assumptions. I have learned to smile and say thanks when people comment on how much my son looks like me etc. Being adopted is part of our story, but he is my son now and that is what matters. When I do feel the need to explain now I say something like "He came to live with me when he was 2". I don't ever want him to feel like "he's adopted" is his middle name.

[Teri33]

My daughter has been home for more than a month now and I could care less what other people think of me being a single parent. I get a lot of "why did you adopt" questions because I am young and single. I just tell them I was ready to start a family.

[shoeshopping]

Mckenna:
do you ever feel the need to explain your family?
close friends and relatives know how my family was formed and i don't care what strangers think, but sometimes i feel the need to qualify that my kids are adopted to aquaitinces.

for example, i was at a wedding over the weekend of a close childhood friend. a lot of her cousins and aunts and uncles that i knew as a child were there. of course the subject of marriage and kids came up and before i knew it i was explaining that while i am single i have two kids through adoption, so they would not think i am just having kids with different men. why i did it i don't know. how do you handle these situations??? or does it just bother me?

Even though it is no one's business, I can understand the uncomfortableness that comes with meeting up with old friends and I have felt that weird pressure of explaining being a single parent.

I am a single mother. I have been a single mother since I was 21. I have not adopted my children -- yet, for years people here and there asked me if my daughter was adopted because she is native and didn't really look like me. I would just roll my eyes and not answer. And if I did answer (after having a long day) I would simply say, "What difference does it really make? She is my daughter and I love her."

In the grand scheme of things, IN MY OPINION, all good mothers are extraordinary...whether it be through adoption or having biological children.

while i am single i have two kids through adoption, so they would not think i am just having kids with different men.

IMO, I think having multiple children through adoption or having multiple biological children is irrelevant to those outside my comfortable circle. But that is just me. I have no qualms about being a single mother to three and I have no regrets about having children who have different biological fathers. I have no judgments towards women who are single who adopt multiple children. In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't make a difference.

**And, in addition, I have found the ones that feel it *does* make a difference (who make issue of it on every occasion) are the ones that have lost their belief that they are extraordinary beings, and are trying to make me feel shame for something s/he is not comfortable with.**

I think it is great being a single parent, no matter the road you took to get there.

[KylandsMom]

However, I do believe most people are simply ignorant and are asking questions out of curiosity. Most people do not think about a person's privacy before opening their mouths. It still shocks me when I hear rude comments from others.
I am a single, white, mother, to my biological bi-racial son who is 3. I am preparing to adopt another son in Ethiopia and have already begun to think about how to answer questions. I do think we do a great deed by sharing our adoption stories with others. Usually those who have the strongest and most unintelligent opinions, are those who have zero knowledge of the subject. The only way to change any of these opinions (if there is even a chance it may change) is to share our "real life" stories with them.
Yet, I also agree, we must be careful so our children do not begin to think their middle name is "adopted". Nor, should they ever feel as if they owe us.
Ugh! It's never black and white, unfortunately. I suppose what I am trying to say is that I can relate to the feelings here!

[Guppy]

My mom was single and that was at that time much more rare... But when somebody asked me what happened with my father, I'd say: "he doesn't live with us..." which I use to this day as only information I give about him. Since I grew up with my mom being single... it seems perfectly normal to me.

[rindava]

and I've really been on the positive adoption langauge band wagon lately...but I do currently say my son has lived with me for however long he has (he has so really werid behaviors) .....and I just currently suck it up and just say "no, I've never been married, but I have 3 kids"

when people say my girls look like me, I say they sure do.... (no bio relation, but I don't say that any more)

if people ask if they are my "real kids" I say they sure are...if they ask if they are really brother and sisters , I say they sure are....

I have a student (I'm a Special Ed teacher) who keeps talking about her "real mom" (the b-mom she hasn't hardly seen since she was 2) and I've been breaking her from it by calling her C..... (dad's current wife of 3 years, whom she calls by first name, but provides all her care, she only see b-mom about 1 time every 2 years) her "fake mom" (I do it in a nice teasing way with parent's approval) just to remind her the C----- is providing her food, clothing, love, and care right now and she is a real mom too....not a fake one....

[cvalda]

As I'm caucasian and have six adopted kids who are af/am or bi-racial... sometimes I am forced to explain. I don't like to do it in front of the kids though - with them around I simply say they are my children, because they are, period.

But sometimes people say, "You don't look like you had six kids" or "You don't look old enough to have six kids" or "you're single? and have six kids?!?" Despite they're missing the obvious (skin differences) sometimes I do say "They are adopted." Usually people think that's neat.

When my kids were younger (and I only had three of them), we were at a restaurant and an older lady was staring at us and started saying to her husband, "teens having babies these days! it's aweful!" (I do look much younger than my age.) Boy I wanted to give her a peice of my mind but restrained since the kids were along!

;~) Kelly

[mscruz75]

If this is important to you explain but i would look for my kids reaction bec that is the most important. when those people go home at the end of the day the kids may feel like they are stigmatized and u are justifying their very existance...i was raped and my older child was born of that rape. i lived in silence for years being judged as a "slut" in my religious community and not one brother would consider marrying me but in the end, even if my daughter acts like she does not appreciate it, i could live with having a scarlet letter on my chest but the stigma associated with her conception would have been much more damaging to her spirit!! Why in the world would they care where the kids came from, u love them and they are being cared for, that is the point!!! Blessings to you!

[hopeful-4-twins]

I am a single mom to a biological boy. He is 2 and I am now looking into adoption. I have half my family mad at me because I am a single parent anyway. The part of my family that I am around loves the idea of me adopting. I felt at first that I had to explain where I stood and why I want to adopt. I am to the point that I dont care what people think.
Yes I am a single mom. Yes I want more kids. But no, I dont want a man. I may get married when my kids are older but I love the idea of raising them on my own. Plus I have my mom and dad there for me. Its like my son has 2 of each parent. I have me, my mom, my dad and my brother.

[musemoon]

I LOVE BEING A SINGLE PARENT! Most of the people in my family know why I'm single and why I'm a parent so it never comes up in conversation.

There are a few "friends" who are in relationships (and I'm gonna be snide here...but they aren't GREAT relationships) who continually harp on my being single and what a HARD life I chose, not to have a man's help or love and to raise "those poor kids" (meaning fost/adopt) alone.

In almost one breath they manage to make me and my children feel damaged. When the truth is I do have the love of a man, we have just chosen to not live together or pursue marriage, but we are committed to raising my daughter (soon to be daughters.)

And my daughter is amazing....simply amazing. So what would be HARD!!!! Is if I hadn't chosen to become a mother or **cough cough** stayed in a bad relationship. Instead I chose the most joyful life...and so I am a proud single parent. I don't always offer up that my daughter is adopted, some people figure it out, some don't I just laugh.

[One_Happy_Momma]

I AM SO PROUD OF BEING A PARENT PERIOD.

Most people around me know my story, so there's really no need to explain. Some are just curious of the process, some are curious as to why I wanted to have kids and raise them by myself, some are proud to know me, some are in aw with my parenting skills. Some of them want to glorify me, and that bothers me - as I don't feel like I rescued my daughters from a life of misery to be glorified for adopting them.

I tell my daughters that they adopted me. I have a couple of pictures of our finalization day on the fridge, and I tell them "this is when you adopted me".