[shattered_dream]

just to catch you up, i had chosen adoption when i was pregnant but after two weeks of being away from him after he was born (he is in foster care NOT with the family or me), i decided i couldnt let him go and wanted him back. i am single and when i get my son back will be a new single parent. below is the latest on what has been happening. basically the agency is fighting me and are not happy that i changed my mind.

in another board i am a member of, i had mentioned trying to get my son back and someone said "I thought it was definite you had him back hon, what did the agency say?" I responded with the latest battle I have had to face. The very agency I was working with is fighting me and the state has become involved ... here is what I told her below (I felt you need to know as well so you know where things stand). It is an unfortunate thing that is happening. I was under the impression through what the agency themselves tole me that I had a right to change my mind and that at that point they had to comply and give me back my baby. Now they are stalling and even put false allegations against me - well I will let you read it

okay well there is some things I didnt' tell you cus it has been quite stressful the past couple days. yes - the agency has to comply and give him back to me. if they have any concerns they should then contact the state (dcyf) to investigate. however, that is NOT what is happening.

Sunday I told them I wanted him back. They gave me a week to have everything in order. Within 5 hours I had everything laid out and within 48 hours not counting President's Day everything in order and was ready to get Joseph. I called back and let them know. Now they used my past mental health history against me (i used to suffer from depression over 10 months ago) and said they could not proceed until they talked to the mental health department at the hospital I had Joseph at (I go to therapy there). All fine and dandy... I made sure to be at the mental health department when they opened this morning and tlaked to the supervisor who knows me and knows how well i have been doing. She called the agency worker while I was sitting there and let her know that at this time she saw no risk to either myself or the baby and that i should have my son back. After she got off the phone, she warned me that they could give me a hard time and that the agency worker didn't sound too happy to hear her say i should get him back now. So anyway, I get home from school and the doorbell rings. A Child Protective Investigator for DCYF (department of children youth and families) is there to investigate allegations of abuse/neglect. I was so horrified that this was happening especially since I don't even have my son yet and certainly would never harm him!! However, I know enough to know that you look them in the eye and you say everything openly and honestly. If they see you are cooperating and being truthful and everything checks out, they leave you alone. Needless to say I "have been served" a paper that says this:

You have been identified as a perpetrator of an alleged incident of abuse/neglect involving Joseph.

Can you believe this? So yeah I was completely open and remained calm and collected while she was here. Tomorrow morning she is goign to be visiting the place where Joseph and I will be residing with the pastor's family to do a home study. I am complying and am actually glad the state is involved to be honest because they can make sure I get my son back. All they want to see is a parent who is trying to better herself, who is not a threat to herself or her baby, and who cooperates with authority. I just feel angry that the agency tried to pull this card. They are not going to win something that has no grounds. In fact, the preacher (i am staying with a preacher and his family one of which is an adopted son) knows the director of DCYF really well and they have already been checked out by the state. It is a shame that I am having to be looked on and investigated like some criminal. I can't wait till this is all over! So anyway I call the agency back tonight (they heard the go ahead from the mental health department). Now they said that they have to get the okay from DCYF before I can get him back. THAT IS NOT THEIR PLACE TO DECIDE!! I know the law enough to know that they MUST give me back my son and THEN if there is any concerns involve the state. I have been talking to a well-known adoption advocate daily about the latest news regarding the way this agency is treating me and violating my rights and she is livid (angry). She says that what they are doing is illegal and unethical. I told her today I said well I am running out of patience but it looks like it is soon over. After the state investigates tomorrow and sees everything is fine, there should be no problems. The state will be watching me for a while once I get him back, but then they will move on. I am being watched like a hawk and thanks to their false allegations there is a document referring to me as a perpetrator for something I didn't and wouldn't do. I WILL get my son back .... that is not the question. The question is when? I should have already had him back!!

[Cleopatrick]

OMG, that's horrible! It was my understanding that Joseph was never in your care. Didn't he go straight to foster care while you made the decision to parent or adoption? How can you abuse a child that has never been in your care? I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all of this! I will send some prayers and positive thoughts your way and I really hope that you get this worked out soon.

[BrandyHagz]

I would LOVE for you to PM me the name of the agency you had been talking to/using...I want to make sure they aren't on my list of agencies to use....holy cow!

Did the DYFS lady say why they had to investigate since Joseph wasn't in your care? Are they claiming its because he's been in agency funded foster care for so long?

[shattered_dream]

no he has never been in my care except when i was in the hospital. all the times i have had with him, noone had any reason to believe i could harm my own child. because i dealt with depression in the past and at some points in my life was suicidal they are using that against me now (the postpartum depression/psychosis stuff). I do not have any signs of depression, have not been on medication for depression for nearly a year, and have never missed a therapy appointment which i might add have all gone well. even in the midst of being away from my son and dealing with the grief and the adoption plans and now changing my mind and having to fight the very people that were "on my side" i do not have signs of depression. they have no right to do this to me. all i want is my son back - is that so much to ask? the agency has no right to hold my son for me for ANY REASON. as i said in the thing above, if they have any concerns, they should then contact the state to follow up. i really dont mind the state being involved because i have nothing to hide. it is a shame that the state has to investigate someone who loves their baby so much she will fight to the end - someone who has no current mental health problems and is trying to get a good education to better herself - it is a shame they have to make sure i am a fit mother when there are so many kids out there who are abused everyday. i have never hurt my son. i love my son dearly and long for him 24/7 and cannot imagine something so horrible. this is a huge nightmare but hey i have gotten past some hurdles already - i can get through this too and will not give up. they really want me to give up and give in to the adoption at which point after changing my mind i seriously seriously doubt they would ever want anything to do with me again (meaning i would never see him again). they have no right by law to hold my son from me. it makes me so angry, but hey, righteous anger makes things happen sometimes. in this case, it makes me defend myself and fight for my son even more. i will win this fight ... i just wish i didnt have to fight at all

[shattered_dream]

Originally posted by BrandyHagz
I would LOVE for you to PM me the name of the agency you had been talking to/using...I want to make sure they aren't on my list of agencies to use....holy cow!

Did the DYFS lady say why they had to investigate since Joseph wasn't in your care? Are they claiming its because he's been in agency funded foster care for so long?

the DCYF child protective investigator said there were allegations made and she was just checking to be sure everything was set. she mentioned she was investigating because i had decided to parent my son and she had to be sure i was fit to do so. he has only been in the agency's care for 17 days. the agency said i had a minimum of 15 days before i could make any decision ... now that the decision has been made they are fighting me and holding my son which they cannot do. so yeah, let the state check me out. they will see what everyone else has seen and let me move on with my life and with my son in peace

[Jackiejdajda]

shattered_dream

I don't have any answers..But know I am thinking of you and wishing you all the strength in the world..

If you do it you may be helping others..

Be strong!

Jackie

[tobeafamily]

Argh! Well, the good news is you do have a plan to parent, and DYFS is involved and is more 'impartial' than this agency. I think you're right that they're working to make this very difficult on you so you'll get discouraged and relinquish. Unfortunately, this tactic sometimes works, unethical as it is.

You should also consider posting your experience with this agency (AFTER everything is done and Joseph is with you) on The Adoption Guide (google it) so other pa and pbparents can hear about them.

Hang in there, when you get really glum, read my signature quote. :-)

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

BTW someone called CPS (Child Protective Services) on me when I was in college. My Siamese kitten had gone into heat early and I guess she sounded like a baby b/c someone in my apt building reported a baby constantly crying in my apt. CPS agent came to my place, looked around, saw the howling cat, then left. Needless to say, I paid extra to have her spayed while she was still in heat. LOL

[shattered_dream]

well, as I said, the state had nothing to find on me and everything checked out so Joseph is coming to me tonight!!!!!! YAY YAY YAY!! <DOING THE HAPPY JIG> anyways, because allegations were put on me, they still have to investigate and i have to take mandatory parenting classes for 90 days. i have no problem at all with that and let her know. i was like i dont mind any involvement you need to do and if you need me do to anything please let me know. the investigator is really nice lady and after being watched by the state like a hawk for the next 90 days, they will kindly leave me alone. but during this 90 days i cannot mess up at all - i cannot panic or get upset about things or if i feel overwhelmed show it. i have to remain strong, suck up any negative feelings, look and act confident, and be totally compliant to what they want, do and say. otherwise, the state can take my baby at any given moment (my fear anyways). i cant wait till this is finally over and the allegations of abuse are no longer in any file. i still cant believe they could falsely accuse me of abuse when i didnt even have my son. i used to work at a day care in a battered womens shelter and the kids loved me!! and mind you - i was really screwed up back then emotionally. to say that I pose a risk to my baby was ludicrious. oh well... i have gotten past the biggest hurdle of all i can certainly pass this test as well. well wish me luck. it is going to be quite crazy with having my son back, being watched, mandatory parenting classes, and a full time college load (crazy but oh so wonderfully exciting )

[Decision]

CONGRADULATIONS!!! I am ever so thankful to see another child back in their natural mothers arms!!!! Good for you for being so strong and not backing down to what the agency wanted~ infant adoption is a money making industry, I am so happy that you are able to parent your child!!!!
I am sure you will be a wonderful parent to your son, it may be a tough go for a while but in the long run you will have much enjoyment with him
Hugs to you
Melissa

[ddhuab]

I've been following your situation since you posted on the other thread. I could not believe it when I read about the State getting involved! I am so happy you will be getting your son back! My prayers are with you that all these stressors will not overwhelm you -- I also think it is normal for any new parent to feel a bit overwhelmed, so I don't think you have to pressure yourself so much not too show it. I believe in most cases the state WANTS to keep families together.

Good luck,
D.

[LegallyKim]

Congratulations on getting your son back! You made it this far, I am confident that you will get past the hurdles that are still ahead.

Hugs and prayers!

Shattered dream,

Hope you know you got a lot of folks backing you on these forums. Continue with what you are doing...please get help if you feel things may unravel(which they won't)...the sooner you ask for help, whether it be your pastor,or someone that has you and Josephs best interest at hear, the less the problem becomes.

Your life is now about Joseph...and you...everything else is secondary. It can be scary and wonderful. Enjoy him

Keep us posted

Donna

[patrisha]

This is crazy. If you had never considered adoption you wouldn't have DYFS involved now. The very fact that you evaluated the merits of that option indicates clear thinking on your part.

I think you should contact your local legal aid society or another lawyer. Unless you get some legal support these people may mow you over and cost you Joseph. This agency is angry about losing it's fee and has over stepped their rights. DYFS should have required Joseph to be returned to you pending the outcome of the investigation.

Please make public the name of this agency as soon as things are resolved. I can't imagine anyone wanted to do business with a company with these kind of ethics.

I hope that people that didn't believe these type of strong arm tactics were still being employed against birth mothers are following this thread.

Good Luck,
Trish

[HappyMomAnna]

You are going to do well--with the help of your pastor and the other parties involved!

My children were adopted through the State DHS and they were on my back for a whole YEAR! I had to take classes, call everytime a child got hurt, report any change, and have regular visits from caseworkers--THEY CAN BE YOUR BEST FRIEND in all of this!

Try not to see them as the enemy! Their first GOAL is always to keep a child with the biological parent! Contrairy to what the few horrible stories we all hear about have to say! Those stories are only news because they are rare!

The caseworkers really do want to see this work out for you! NO ONE can suffer from a few parenting classes and consider this as a safety net for you in the journey you are now taking! You are not alone!!!!

This could be the best thing that ever happened in your situation! You had planned on placing and now you are parenting and you have not had 9-months to get ready for this new plan! Be open with the social worker--be happy you have the support of the parenting classes you will learn some things you didn't study about while you were pregnant!

Most of all remember that all moms have hard days and moments of sheer frustration and sometimes even a little regret here of there......make use of your support system. If you feel you are becoming depressed do NOT wait to get help! I am a person who has always had depression in my life and it did NOT stop social services from letting me mother! If you need help with your depression get it do not let yourself fall into it!

Good luck and for awhile please keep coming back here and talking with OTHER parents you find here.....we have experience and wisdom and even if your situation is NOT about adoption anymore many of us will have no problem being an ear--and giving you a tip or two! There are other parent forums but the people here are in no way affraid to talk about REAL things that ALL babies and children are about! I think you will find US to be a good place for support no matter what.

Relax and enjoy your baby will be home very soon!

[Dianna]

Hi shattered dreams, I am sorry you had to go through this. I have a friend who had a baby and who was unmarried and DHS talked to her at the hospital also until they found out that the father was still very involved. It is pretty common. Parenting classes are great. We really enjoyed ours and think everyone should have them. It may be hard to be sleep deprived, go to college and parenting classes for awhile. It is good that you have the pastor's family to help.

We had a couple of false allegations against us also and we had to be investigated. It all worked out in the end but was very frustrating and insulting. I just cooperated and kept my anger to myself also as I just wanted to get through it. I am glad you got Joseph back. Is he with you now? Best wishes