[patrisha]

Some old time birthmoms are arguing against the potential birthmoms getting to know the potential aparents on an intimate level..

Good post Jackie. I hadn't given this aspect of the process of choosing adoptive parents much thought before now.

What a tough line to walk. How close is close enough to properly evaluate the perspective adoptive family and feel good about placing your child with them, but not so close as to cause a guilty conscientious that could affect that very important final decision to place or not after birth. It's even more complicated if it was help from the potential adoptive parents that contributed to bolstering the pbmoms lifestyle or self-confidence enough to parent herself.

All this is happening when the birth mom's hormones are going nuts, and the adoptive parent's are excited in spite of their good intentions of keeping their enthusiasm in check.

Trish

[Verncait]

[All this is happening when the birth mom's hormones are going nuts, and the adoptive parent's are excited in spite of their good intentions of keeping their enthusiasm in check.]

So very true!

[Jackiejdajda]

.
ANDREA wrote..I AM SAD TO SAY I GAVE UP AFTER A YEAR COULD NOT AFFORD IT ANY LONGER AND I DID NOT WANT MY BABY TAKEN OUT OF A HOME SHE ONLY KNEW

I am so sorry this happened to you Andrea.


Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

patrisha wrote..It's even more complicated if it was help from the potential adoptive parents that contributed to bolstering the pbmoms lifestyle or self-confidence enough to parent herself.

And I am absolutely sure this hurts the potential aparents just as much the potential birth mom..

Somehow this system has evolved.. Vacuums filled..
Money allocated elsewhere.. I think of adoptive parents paying for medical bills.. That can't be right..

Jackie

[shattered_dream]

the way i see the state thing is that it is only temporary (90 days) and they are only doing what is protocol to ensure the parent follows through with the case plan. as i have no troubles with anything they are asking and have electively been in therapy for quite some time already, this is not a hard task to do. i really don't mind the state's involvement in fact it is nice to know i have a social worker to talk to and parenting classes to further my growth as a new mother. i just don't like being looked upon in the same light as those who would abuse/neglect a child or those who do not take care of themselves (quit therapy or rehab for problems they are/were having). i am someone who has actively sought out therapy (been in counseling for 10 years faithfully) and someone who has activel taken a role in bettering herself (i have grown so much and am nothing like the person i was even a year ago) and someone who is taken an active course in improving her life (going to college to get a better paying job) and someone who will fight for what she wants in life (my son is my life and i will do whatever it takes). i am not perfect by any means but i am also not some person who needs to be watched or who could be a risk to herself or to her child. that is the part i dont like - that i am placed in the same category with those who could be a harm to their child and those who don't try to better themselves. i think it is unfair and unjust that i am being looked upon in this light when i have never given people reason to doubt my ability to care for children. i guess it is just another test like the rest i have already gotten past and once it is over Joseph and I can finally move on free of the state or anyone watching us simply be mother and son. i guess what i am trying to say is i dont like to be watched and can't wait until this last hurdle has been passed.

[NCMom]

Living well is the best revenge!! You just keep up with what you are doing. God will not give you any more than you can handle. You have no idea what kind of change you might effect in people's minds. Perhaps the agency won't be so quick to terrorize another birthmother in the future. Just imagine what might have happened if you had buckled under all the pressure, all the threats and all the obstacles they have thrown at you! Not only would you have lost your precious Joseph forever, but you would have taught that agency that their terrorist tactics work and they can just keep on intimidating birthmothers into relinquishment even though that is not their true desire. I've said it before and I will say it again, I could NEVER accept a child into my heat and my home knowing that it was against a perfectly capable birthmothers will. You, by standing up for you and your son, and doing everything necessary, and coming through all of this smelling like a rose I'm sure will have a ripple effect beyond your imagination. So let them watch all they want. Maybey THEY might actually learn something.

We are all rooting for you!!!!

[NCMom]

Just wondering how things were going with you and Baby Joseph?

Hope all is well!!

Laura

[eurydice]

WOW. I am so glad that I found this thread! I am days away from my due date and as all bmoms know you have to completely reevaluate your decision after the baby is born (I have read that so many times). I know that I will have to think long and hard about this adoption after she is born. The agency keeps mentioning that if I do have a hard time deciding I could put her in foster care (that they provide) while I think about it. I mentioned taking her home with me if I can't decide at the hospital and they really don't seem to keen on the idea. Now I know why! I suspected that they could do something like fight against me to try to keep her. NO WAY! If I cannot decide she comes home with me until I can decide.

Euridicye,

My feeling is foster care is not good for a child unless it is that last resort....unless their is the threat of abuse from bioparents, unless bioparents ae not able to give what baby needs.

If the only way you will be able to make a decision is to take her home...and attempt tpo give her what she needs..fine...

IMO..for an infant who needs bonding, security, and constistancy and an inate security that they are loved and needs are taken care of...foster care is NOT an answer. I speak as an adoptee that was in 6 different fosters homes before the age of 2...before I was finelly placed with my parents. Being a mom of 5 bio children I realized how sad it was for me to not have anyone care totally about me when I was born...for 2 years! Each one of my childrens birth was a time of joy and excitement. They were brought into this world loved and wanted.....not bounced because no one know what to do with them. In all that time my bmom was trying to figure out if she could take care of me.....I so wish she would have made her decision sooner....it would have really proved to me that she did love me more then her needs . The only good thing is that being placed when I was allowed me to be placed with my family...maybe that would not have happened if I had been placed sooner...who knows!!

Donna

[eurydice]

I agree with you completely. I don't want to do the foster home thing but it seems like my counselor is pushing for it. I wonder why since she is supposed to be my advocate! I think that a good counselor would encourage you to take your baby home and make your decision that way (if you can't decide right away). In my case once I sign those papers I only have 24 hrs to change my mind. That really freaks me out a little bit and it just seems like not enough time to make such a decision. I guess they do it so the baby doesn't go from place to place but it just seems so short of a time to be sure about such a serious thing.

[eurydice]

Originally posted by shattered_dream
finally my baby is back with me. DCYF called the agency and told them that I checked out around 4 pm yesterday. At 5:55 pm, the agency worker was at the place I am staying at with Joseph. It was such a relief once I signed the papers relinquishing them or their involvement. No longer do I have to deal with them. She was very business-like last night. When I said I was so happy to get him back and sorry things didn't work out the look on her face was one of someone who was quite upset. To them this was a failure because the adoption did not go through. To them they lost out and they are upset about that. To me this is a total success and I get to hold my baby and not have to say goodbye. It was hard going to class today I will admit as I was up a lot last night but caffeine is the answer to that one :P I am actually quite happy to have the state involved to be honest with you because they made sure I got my baby back and I can only benefit from parenting classes!! I will get to meet other parents many probably single and will learn some pointers to help me through as a new mommy. There is a lot I still don't know but all new mothers learn along the way. I never believed I would be telling my baby "it is okay Joseph. mommy is right here." I didnt know if I would even see him again ... I cant believe I had almost signed him over and just "dealt with it" like people kept telling me to do. I am so glad that I was able to fight them to the end for my son. No, I don't like having to be watched by a social worker and the like but it is only for 90 days. That isn't really bad and after that this will all be over. As for telling you the agency's name, I don't know yet about doing that. I don't want to cause trouble. I just got my son back and I just want to enjoy him now that I can. Maybe some day once I have time to relax I can do what you are asking but I dont feel comfortable just yet. And yes, by all means, please pray for that family. It will be a while before I can look at their pictures without feeling the pain of letting them down. It was a price I had to pay to get my son back ... and one day I will probably be able to look at them and only remember the good times we did have together and one day they will probably get the child that is really meant for them. Now that I am a single mother, I can benefit from supportive people like you and thank you for following this story. Things happened so fast! It was only Sunday that I told the agency I wanted him back and in less than a week he is with me. Well, I got a few more people to tell and then I got to go catch the bus to get back to my baby

Wow. I am soooooooooo happy for you! I would love to talk to you or email with you if it is at all possible.

[eurydice]

Originally posted by LAURA021986
I AM A B/M TOO I TRIED THE SAME THING YOU DID ADOPTED PARENTS FOUGHT ME ALL THE WAY I CHANGED MY MIND WHEN MY BDUAUGHTER WAS 2-3 MONTHS OLD. IF YOU WANT TO TALK EMAIL ME MAYBE I CAN HELP BUT I AM SAD TO SAY I GAVE UP AFTER A YEAR COULD NOT AFFORD IT ANY LONGER AND I DID NOT WANT MY BABY TAKEN OUT OF A HOME SHE ONLY KNEW.

THANKS AND GOOD LUCK , ANDREA

Yet another! I am SOOOOOOOOOOO glad I found this thread. I am supposed to go into labor tomorrow and now I know that if I can't decide right away I am taking her home with me. It so scary that people fight for these children. If a bmom feels that she can care for her child she should be able to. The agency and counselor totally tries to make you believe that it is possible and then they try to fight you in the end! HOW HORRIBLE.

I know now if I can't decide my baby is coming home with me FOR SURE until I know what I need to do.

[MNelson]

eurydice -- It sounds like you might already have gone into labor and won't be reading this, but just in case ... if by the day before labor you haven't fully committed to relinquish your baby, DON'T DECIDE TO PLACE IMMEDIATELY AFTER GIVING BIRTH! Your emotions will not be true to you and it is no time to be making that decision. Follow your heart and take your baby home.