[MNelson]

Originally posted by ddhuab
I also think it is normal for any new parent to feel a bit overwhelmed, so I don't think you have to pressure yourself so much not too show it. I believe in most cases the state WANTS to keep families together.

I agree -- don't worry yourself about not "messing up". Don't be afraid to ask for help when it gets to be too much, afraid you might expose something. Everyone needs help as a new parent!

I, too, would like you to PM me with the agency name. I want to make sure I don't deal with an organization that treats birthmothers so horribly.

[MNelson]

Originally posted by tobeafamily
Hang in there, when you get really glum, read my signature quote. :-)

BTW Regina, I love your quote.

[NCMom]

I've been following this story and on pins and needles. I am both an A-Mom and a potential A-Mom, but OMG!!! I could NEVER accept a child knowing that the Birthmom had found a way to parent and that was TRULY her desire. Adoptive homes are for babys that need them, not for parents who want them! If I knew a child was placed in my care against a perfectly capable birthmothers will, how could I sleep at night?? How could I EVER feel like a real Mommy? I would feel like a theif! I know the family you were previously matched with are very dissapointed, and probably devastated, but I wonder if they really knew what was going on or if it was all just the agency (Please PM me also with their name, want to make sure my fellow a-parent brethren NEVER use them.) trying to hang on to their fee! PLEASE keep us posted, and I will continue to pray for your success with parenting little Joseph, and for your previous PA family's hearts to be mended.

[shattered_dream]

finally my baby is back with me. DCYF called the agency and told them that I checked out around 4 pm yesterday. At 5:55 pm, the agency worker was at the place I am staying at with Joseph. It was such a relief once I signed the papers relinquishing them or their involvement. No longer do I have to deal with them. She was very business-like last night. When I said I was so happy to get him back and sorry things didn't work out the look on her face was one of someone who was quite upset. To them this was a failure because the adoption did not go through. To them they lost out and they are upset about that. To me this is a total success and I get to hold my baby and not have to say goodbye. It was hard going to class today I will admit as I was up a lot last night but caffeine is the answer to that one :P I am actually quite happy to have the state involved to be honest with you because they made sure I got my baby back and I can only benefit from parenting classes!! I will get to meet other parents many probably single and will learn some pointers to help me through as a new mommy. There is a lot I still don't know but all new mothers learn along the way. I never believed I would be telling my baby "it is okay Joseph. mommy is right here." I didnt know if I would even see him again ... I cant believe I had almost signed him over and just "dealt with it" like people kept telling me to do. I am so glad that I was able to fight them to the end for my son. No, I don't like having to be watched by a social worker and the like but it is only for 90 days. That isn't really bad and after that this will all be over. As for telling you the agency's name, I don't know yet about doing that. I don't want to cause trouble. I just got my son back and I just want to enjoy him now that I can. Maybe some day once I have time to relax I can do what you are asking but I dont feel comfortable just yet. And yes, by all means, please pray for that family. It will be a while before I can look at their pictures without feeling the pain of letting them down. It was a price I had to pay to get my son back ... and one day I will probably be able to look at them and only remember the good times we did have together and one day they will probably get the child that is really meant for them. Now that I am a single mother, I can benefit from supportive people like you and thank you for following this story. Things happened so fast! It was only Sunday that I told the agency I wanted him back and in less than a week he is with me. Well, I got a few more people to tell and then I got to go catch the bus to get back to my baby

[alicia hunter]

congratulations and good luck with your son.

[Verncait]

I am so happy to hear that your son is finally home with you. It really is a shame the emotional turmoil that the agency put you through. Once you had said that you wanted to parent, Joseph should have been returned to you. You also had said something about the agency had stated that you had a minimum of 15 days to make up your mind if you were going to parent or not. I don't think they legally can make this stipulation. However, there is generally a minimum number of days before you can sign papers relinguishing custody.
Congratulations on the return of your son. May God bless you both today and always!
Linda

[shattered_dream]

thank you - i am at school now so i thoguth i would hop on to see what you guys said. i love being able to hold him and rock him and breastfeed (i had dried up but when I got him back the milk also came back) and sing to him and swaddle him and and and .... :P the family that allowed us to stay there kind of gets on my nerves a bit though cus they always want to "help out" giving me tips when he cries and things. i dont mind when he cries. i know what to do and it really is not overwhelming. i told them last night ... i just want to hold him and that i really dont mind and am not overwhelmed. "well we onlly want to help". i was like thank you i really do appreciate you wanting to help . it is just that i missed out on 3 weeks with my son and i just want to enjoy the closeness we can now have. i hope they dont think i was rude... it was so hard being away from him and imagine that! getting him back also stimulated my milk to come back in and so now we can even enjoy breastfeeding which is the best experience of all.....

we only have to stay with this family until housing comes through (we have 2 months or less left)

[aspenhall]

WOW....even as a paparent....I am just BURSTING with JOY for you right now....I would HATE to ever have that kind of agency ethics.....The aparents will recover.....perhaps they never even knew what happened?......Could you write them a letter in YOUR OWN WORDS...so that the agency can't lie some more? I know if I were them...it would help TREMENDOUSLY to hear it from you they whys and hows of it all....

Man how exciting for you!

[shattered_dream]

I just talked to the investigator on my case with DCYF today and she informed me that I will be summoned to court and the state is petitioning custody of my baby. Although the state will have custody, he will be allowed to remain under my care and a social worker will come in often to see how things are going. She said this isn't to take him away from me but to ensure that I give my full cooperation with the investigation (attending parenting classes, continuing with my educational goals, being available for the social worker, continuing therapy appointments regularly, etc). After the 90 day period, the case closes and the state will no longer have custody of my baby and we will no longer be watched. This seems like such a long time!! They said a lawyer will be appointed for me in court for the hearing. The problem/fear I have is that once they petition the court hearing what if the judge does not rule in my favor for some reason or another and I lose Joseph? I don't trust this but what can I do? If I don't cooperate completely they could take him away I know that probably wouldn't happen as I checked out and the state investigator is the one that actually got my son back for me. I don't know... just makes me uneasy to be looked upon like an unfit parent to my child. I have been nothing but loving and have attended to every one of his needs this past week that we have been together and I wish people would just let us be.... I wish now I had never considered adoption because then maybe I wouldnt be dealing with this unpleasantry and could be left alone to parent my son and love him and no longer fear he could be taken away for some unknown reason. I know my fear is probably irrational but the state took me away from my mother as a child and I have big fears of that happening again. My birthmother however does not seem worried so maybe I should just trust the state to do their job and that this will soon pass and all... just issues coming up from my past when i was taken from my mother. I just don't want history to repeat itself. I fought so hard to get him back and I will do whatever it takes to keep him.

ps. the family wrote me back. i had written a letter of apology explaining it wasn't about them and that i just couldnt let him go. they said they don't hate me but then laid out all the reasons i chose adoption in the first place and then said they forgive me for changing my mind when i promised not to. they were really nice and all but it didnt help me much in regards to guilt (they were listing reasons i had chosen adoption and why this was best for him and how because of past mental health problems <that I have actively dealt with> that i coudl be a risk to my son. again... not only the agency is using my past but them too! doesn't anyone believe in healing, recovery, and new beginnings?

[sspete]

Shattered.....CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! I am SO happy for you and Joseph!!!! Enjoy Your baby, and give him a great big hug from Me!!!!

You just hang on tight girl, and maybe this nightmare with the state will all be over soon!!! You are certainly in my prayers as you begin mothering AND dealing with the State!!!! My heart goes out to you!!!!

Staci

[HappyMomAnna]

I know it is such a drag to have the state looking over your shoulder......but, 90 days will pass faster then you fear right now. Just keep up with all the things they are asking of you and everything should go well. Some states also what what is called a CASA (court appointed state advocate) and these people are not emplyed by the state and used to watch that social services does their job fair and correctly. You might ask if your son will have one these are the people ho should be impartial.

Having the state watch is really stressful I know. As I have said before many of us who adopt children from the state end up with them breathing down our necks for as long as a year--sometimes longer and we all somehow manage to deal with it. The states really would rather see your situation work out for the best.

Anyway it sounds like you are doing well and keep up the high spirits--it has been a stressful time for you and before you know it you will be on with your life......don't feel guilty about the feelings of the aparents.......they are just in pain and soon they will have another situation and will move on.

[Verncait]

Shattered Dream,
I do understand how the adoptive family feels. It is a grieving process that they have to go through similar to what you experienced. And, even though they say that they forgive you, they are still grieving and will do so for a long time. We had also experienced a failed placement and even though I really liked, and still do like, the mother, I did feel betrayed by her because she insisted that she wouldn't change her mind. I felt I had given 150% and got nothing in return. And, this couple probably feels a lot like that too. But, you have reached out to them and tried to let them know that you are sorry for not being able to go through with it. Now they just need time to heal and move on. Another situation will come up for them, and one day Joseph won't enter their minds as often. Just remember, you did what you feel is right for you and your son. And, even though possible adoptive families feelings can and do get hurt, they can move on.
I wish you and your son the very best!
Linda

[Jackiejdajda]

shattered_dream wrote..I know my fear is probably irrational but the state took me away from my mother as a child and I have big fears of that happening again.

Maybe you are being triggered into some very negative thinking..Heck maybe the reason you looked at adoption was because of fear..

You are doing just fine.. And you are doing the very best you can..

The adoptive couple has an interest here.. Steer clear emotionally.. They made the decision to give you help.. They were told very clearly that you could change your mind. The law says you have a right to change your mind after the birth..
Some old time birthmoms are arguing against the potential birthmoms getting to know the potential aparents on an intimate level.. When I relinquished I had no such problem.. I had no one to deal with if I had of changed my mind.. No guilt because I had disappointed someone..

Fight for your rights.. Get out of the guilt and fight for your rights..


Jackie

[MNelson]

Originally posted by Jackiejdajda
Get out of the guilt and fight for your rights..

Fight for Joseph's rights ... just as you had been thinking of him when you pursued an adoption plan, you now know that you are what's best for him. This is not about the couple that had hopes of parenting Joseph. They will get over it and should not be trying to make you feel bad now -- that's their deal.

As far as DCYF and going before a judge goes: they don't want to take children out of their homes. As Anna said, it will be over soon. Hang in there girl!

[LAURA021986]

I AM A B/M TOO I TRIED THE SAME THING YOU DID ADOPTED PARENTS FOUGHT ME ALL THE WAY I CHANGED MY MIND WHEN MY BDUAUGHTER WAS 2-3 MONTHS OLD. IF YOU WANT TO TALK EMAIL ME MAYBE I CAN HELP BUT I AM SAD TO SAY I GAVE UP AFTER A YEAR COULD NOT AFFORD IT ANY LONGER AND I DID NOT WANT MY BABY TAKEN OUT OF A HOME SHE ONLY KNEW.

THANKS AND GOOD LUCK , ANDREA