[BrandyHagz]

Children born of Rape

Those of you parenting children who were conceived thru rape, how did you address the questions?

What is an age appropriate time to bring light to the circumstances surrounding the child’s conception?

If you have information on the father, would you provide the information? (Name, location)

Would you permit your underage child to have communications with this person, via the telephone?


Feel free to respond to me here on the forum, or if you prefer responding privately, please do so via Private Message or email.

Thank you in advance for taking the time to answer my questions.

[Mamaof1]

I am a single parent of my biological son, concevied out of rape, and looking to be a foster parent. I knew my attacker. I actually tried to get him involved because I didn't want my son to resent me for him not knowing his father. We do not keep in touch. He has never seen my son or payed anything towards him. My son will never know the details of his conception. I don't want him thinking he wasn't wanted or concevied out of love. I will simply continue to tell him a very short truth. Your biological father and I were together (only the once but I won't tell him that) and it didn't work out. I have no idea how to get a hold of him... and I don't. But when he is older, if he wants to look for him, or call him I would support him. All I know now is where he use to live, his name, and where he use to work. I hear he left state after I gave birth. I love my son with my whole heart and would never change what happened, for ANYTHING!

[BrandyHagz]

Oh my...I sat here with my mouth open while I read your post...your story is almost identical to mine...

My son is ten...and like you, I have told him the "short truth". I have tried so hard not to be one of the kinds of parents who trash talks the other parent...many people I've talked to don't understand that...its so refreshing to read the story of someone else who is going thru many of the same things!

[emilyangel]

The daughter I placed for adoption was concieved in rape. I did not tell her adoptive parents this, and wonder if that was a mistake. They just know he was not a good man ( a longtime friend of mine, who just one day, I dunno, snapped...), and that they do not want him in their daughters' life.

I know you asked for opinions of those still parenting their child, but it's so rare for me to find anyone who has a child concieved in rape, that I just felt comfort in knowing I wasn't alone in this.

I do wonder what I will say to her if she, one day, asks about her birthfather...

[6boysrus]

God Bless both of you !!!!

there is an organization that can help both of you on how/when/why to tell your children etc..

it was started by a gal who I met about 3 years ago at a conference. Since that time they have merged to be called "THRIVE' but perhaps the boards and articles they have there may give you and other mothers some insight.

http://www.stigmatized.org

Yvonne

[6boysrus]

Originally Posted by emilyangel

but it's so rare for me to find anyone who has a child concieved in rape,

Actually the statistics from the gov't show that 73% of women who were raped have their children and either chose to parent or place.

[emilyangel]

Originally Posted by 6boysrus

Actually the statistics from the gov't show that 73% of women who were raped have their children and either chose to parent or place.

While I'm sure that statistic is true, or at least in the ballpark, try finding people in your personal life who can relate... Or finding many who will talk about it..

It happens, but noone talks about it... (was more my point, I suppose)

[6boysrus]

Em...

I know.. the talking about it and the rejection from the family in most cases is the killer..

I recall several years ago- of a person this happened to. While I do not know ther person myself. She was raped (was soon to be professing vows in the Catholic church) kept her child and is raising as a single parent.

I remember thinking about it so deeply. And yet, when I think of her I think what an incredible woman- and thats an understatement of the year.

Out of curiosity- and forgive me for not knowing- but are most women who are raped- are they raped by someone they know and thought they trusted? Or by a perpetrator unknown to her?

I hope you do talk about it, it is important to know and to reach out to those who have similar experiences.

My thoughts are with you..
Yvonne

[cakegirl]

Most women who are raped are raped by people they know. (I teach self-defence to women.)

[screaminrieman]

My son was born to a single teen mom who was very loose. I never did find out about his dad other than it was a one time deal and come to think that it may have been a rape case. Either way, God answered my prayers and I have a son who will be 9 on Tuesday. My prayers go out to those affected by this crisis and pray for the best.

[BrandyHagz]

My son was born to a single teen mom who was very loose.

Wow...just...wow...I am speechless...so many other words that are far less offensive that could have been used...

[screaminrieman]

I'm sorry if I offended anyone but to be perfectly honest, this is putting it mildly to say the least. Her record is longer than any 16 y/o should be.

[Mommy24]

Nonetheless, still the birthmom of your child

[emmaalso]

Hello,

I am hoping my profile gets shown to a young woman next week who is pregnant after being raped. I dont know very much about the situation or who he was/is. I guess it really doesnt matter for the babies sake.

If we are fortunate enough to get picked I would like your advice on what to tell the child as she grows up. I had not thought about 'the short truth' I am hoping for an open adoption so I think both moms will need to confer and agree on what they will say.

I worry that keeping a secret which may pop up might be worse than lettign the truth out but clearly inding this out could be very difficult on a child.

Ok I am rambling just thinking 'outloud'.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

My son was conceived thru rape. His mother was 13 at the time and the alleged father was 22. He had actually cultivated her to believe they were in a relationship and would be together forever. More so than a violent physical attack, it was a deeper mental abuse. He knew he was a level 3 sex offender and was aware of her age. They went "camping" together and after the weekend the police showed up at the place he was supposed to have been registered. Right there in front of her and the police he denounced even knowing or having anything to do with her and pawned her being there off on the neighbor. Little did she know she was pregnant.

When my son was 8 weeks old she chose to be the 14 year old she was and asked that he be put in an adoptive home. Just 2 weeks before they (mother and son) had been placed in foster care together since the grandmother was running a meth house in the living area where they all resided.

As far as telling him about it, at this point he is far too young, but since we have an open adoption arrangement with his mother, I am sure it will be something we will discuss together. If he asks, we will use our best judgement as far as what we feel is appropriate to share. I really don't think there is any set age that such things are appropriate, so it would be something we would have to feel was right. Much of this depends on mental development and ability to handle and comprehend such deep topics. I can't say he will be able to handle it at say 10 years old because the average child might...then again, he could be ready for such things at an earlier age...hard to say.

As far as contact with the alleged father...NO...NO...NO!!! He is a level 3 sexual predator who was first convicted of the rape of a 6 year old boy when he was just 15. I will do everything I can to protect my son from ever seeing or even knowing him or any person in his family. We have changed his name and SS#...we will do anything up to and including restraining orders to protect him. I very much dread the day we will be asked about him and at this point have no idea what to tell my son.

I love him...no matter who the father is, no matter the choices his birth mother may have made in the past (and I hope everyday that she is safe and doing well)...I love him with all my heart and regardless of the conditions that brought him into this world it will never change.