[mscruz75]

I am the mother of a 15 yr old daughter whose father not only repeatedly raped and physically abused me but took me out of state to hide his crimes and my pregnancy. I regret not placing her for adoption but because the agency was so afraid of the father she lied to me and told me he would automatically get her if i placed her or worse his ex wife whom he had a huge history of violence with could get my child. so she took my choice away and essentially forced me into keeping the child with fear and coersion due to siding with the father-she did not report him for taking me out of state or the rapes!!! Now i have a child who hates me, is verbally abusive to me and blames me for being lower income-due to his refusal to pay support-and the rapes. Because of this and my wisdom gained by the long suffering of people telling me my economic and emotionally struggle is my own fault for "putting myself in that situation for this to happen and not making someone provide me a free abortion-instead of sticking to my own beliefs by not harming the baby because of his crime. For all you birthmoms feeling anxious about placing a child due to it being from rape or guilt-don't! People always try to sell a fairytale that if u just do ur part all will be well when in fact the child has the right to chose how to view the matter and may not appreciate you at all and in fact, like my situation, may blame you and use the situation to try and usurp your right to discipline and control your homelife. This child also lashes out at my other kids and constantly plays victim. She forged my name on her report card, got violent with me and the used her father to get sympathy from the police and avoid punnishment for destroying my property and my home and physically and verbally abusing my other son!! The cop told me i needed help and blamed me for being raped! the cop did not care to explain why her being grounded from going to mall after failing classes and forging my name was so extremely wrong that i must now be told i cannot discipline because she was concieved through rape. Oh, btw she did not even know until about 2 yrs ago and was spoiled rotten by me due to my own pitty for her father being a criminal. She had been put on punnishment for losing her keys and several pairs of glasses and she had a neighbor hunt down her birthfather claiming she was so mistreated. He was convicted and i have an order of protection for me and her after he admitted threatening to rape her too. I had to tell her, and now she says my doing so is a form of abuse! i am so tired of being manipulated and paying for another persons crime. i feel i have wasted my life and will place the child i am carrying for adoption now because of the lessons learned from the experience with my daughter. I wish sometimes he had killed me...he killed my right to safety and freedom and respect from others...all that is left is a shell, a body trying to survive...

[RavenSong]

Hi, mscruz75...

My one suggestion to you is to call your local Rape Crisis Center. You are eligible to receive free counseling, no matter how long ago the rape(s) occurred. I volunteered with a Rape Crisis Center for many years, having been a rape survivor, myself. It sounds like you haven't ever really dealt with the emotional ramifications and damage from when you were raped.

Also, I can't help but wonder if you keep bringing up this subject with your 15-year-old daughter. I can see how this could very well be causing inner emotional turmoil for her. And if you haven't dealt with your own feelings about it yet, how in the world can she deal with her feelings about being conceived against her own mother's will?

I'm also really worried about the reasons why you're planning to relinquish the baby you're now carrying inside you. I'm worried about this because you say, "I feel I have wasted my life and will place the child I am carrying for adoption now because of the lessons learned from the experience with my daughter." Are you really giving up your baby because of all the trouble you've had with your 15-year-old daughter?? If that's true, I can guarantee you that your daughter will resent you for years to come. I say this from experience ~ my own mother chose to have an abortion when I was 15 years old. My stepmother took me to see her in the hospital, and when I left the room, my mother told her that she didn't want to have another daughter like me. I cannot tell you how much that devastated me back then. I felt that my own adolescent behavior had resulted in the death of my little sister or brother. And it was devastating to know that my mom would rather kill her own baby than risk having another child like me. It took me years to deal with this issue. I just kind of wonder if your daughter will feel like you gave away her sibling because of her....

[mscruz75]

Please remember that he will know he is half of his birthmom if he learns of her and that because you were not there and do not know the true motives for someone telling you the "record" of his mom, it is unfair to judge her that way. She is 16 so if there is any poor record to be had it is for those who raised her and those who did not provide supervision for her or guidance about her value as a person and how special she is and that her body should only be shared with those who respect her value and whom she wants to share it with. Your statement scares me and this is why i kept my daughter because she did not need to be judged...even indirectly...by someone who was not there judging me.

[mscruz75]

Perhaps instead or replying specifically based on emotion it would help you to read some research about the continued abuse women suffer when they have children with an abusive man:
CAT.INIST

Blackwell Synergy - J Adv Nurs, Volume 29 Issue 2 Page 416-426, February 1999 (Article Abstract)

My personal response to what you had to say:

"I can guarantee you that your daughter will resent you for years to come." Wow this is just one of the presumptive statements in your response but because of the importance of clearly getting across my message...i will respond to it although the things u said in my opinion do not really deserve a response...


First and foremost, you cannot guarantee anything especially the feelings of a child who is not born yet and will have the right to see her life how she chooses. If you were referring to the feelings of my daughter, I would not allow the feelings and rationale of a 15 yr old to determine my decision making on any important issue such as this or lead her to believe that her feelings should count in a matter she clearly cannot understand from and adult perspective. I have done alot of thinking, praying, educating myself and researching about children of rape and the outcomes of their lives based on whether parentage was forced onto either person involved in the conception. The risk of my child being emotionally and or physically harmed by my playing superwoman and not realizing how difficult it truly is to get the courts to help keep an abuser away and....how difficult it is to keep people from making comments that are clearly intended to be hurtful, is the issue. Why would i not give my child the chance to live a life untouched by abuse if...the feelings of the children...are really the issue? Also, just as you speak from your personal experience and judge your mother…a child of rape has the same right to do this…and a victim should not raise a child forced upon her without considering this fact.

Second, we do not know each other well enough for you to wonder if I "keep bringing up" what happened to my daughter, that statement is inaccurate and inappropriate. Hiding child molest and rape has been a huge diservice to women for many many years and the silence of people who watch a pedophile move through a family and dont have the courage to warn potential victims is almost criminal...just think how my life may have been if someone told my mom her babysitter moved his nephew to our town to hide from molesting his 5 yr old cousin at age 21. I am proud that I did not choose to lie to my child and risk her being victimized by a known predator. Everytime she has a question or need for clarification or it is necessary for her safety to inform those whom she is in the care of, i will proudly raise my chin and my voice and declare that i stood up to this man and expect them to abide by the protective order, period. No shame here, sorry.

You also made some assumptions about whether i have "dealt with" my own issues. I did not speak about that and to assume that keeping a baby at the risk of exposing it to and dangerous and abusive father has something to do with the mother not "dealing with her issues" is classic victim blaming.

I am not here to stand in judgment of or question the motives of people on the boards, its hard enough to try and speculate about people we have known for years...this is why most child molest and rape occurs from people we already know. I made my post to provide support to others and do not owe you any explanation as to any other supposed motive you assume I have or whether I supposedly need therapy, lol.

I am sorry that your mom did not have the tact to seek out support from responsible adults and was careless enough to allow you to hear her true feelings. I suggest that maybe your projections onto my situation may stem from how hurt you were and as an adult we should be able to have "empathy" for those who went before us. We are so lucky to have people like Oprah and boards like this to openly express ourselves and not live in silence and shame and resources to help us parent and educate us about alternatives to raising kids in dysfunctional and dangerous situations. I stand by what i said, any woman who feels she must place her child in order to give herself a chance to heal and that child a chance to be raised without the stigma of conception by rape should not feel guilty but be supported in her decision and allowed to make her own decision without question as to her motives. I will place this child for her own protection and i am truly thankful that i have matured enough emotionally not to take on a battle i cannot win...i cannot control her father's behavior or choice to be abusive, nor can i control how she would feel if i kept her knowing there was a neutral and safe family to raise her...i can however, control me and making a decision for what is best for her and not my own feelings or hers.

[RavenSong]

I was going to try to write a halfway coherent response, but your previous posts have me so baffled that I frankly don't know what to say. Your original post is confusing, at least for me. Your last post sounds like it was written by a completely different person, however. So, I'm going to bow out of this conversation. I'm sorry if you took offense at what I said ~ I truly didn't mean to be offensive. Good luck in whatever comes your way.

[WinterSunAK]

Originally Posted by Bug-n-Bears-Mommy

I am sure it will be something we will discuss together. If he asks, we will use our best judgement as far as what we feel is appropriate to share. I really don't think there is any set age that such things are appropriate, so it would be something we would have to feel was right. Much of this depends on mental development and ability to handle and comprehend such deep topics.

I wound up on this forum by accident but had to share. I am 23 and currently in a relationship with a 24 yr old who found out last year that his birth father, whom he was introduced to at age 18, raped his mother and that caused his conception. He has several brothers but they are all half brothers and now he understands why. I was a very rough thing for him to go through, I was the only person he felt comfortable telling but it was something that caused the 24 yr old ex-marine to break down and cry. His step-dad had a few at the bar and told him everything. His mom had been around in her town and when she began a relationship with his birth father she wanted to take it slow. That plan didn't work out. The relationship continued after the rape and eventually what he did to her killed it. She trusted him. It was a very difficult thing for my boyfriend to go through and now his already strained relationship with his birth father is gone--but it IS a part of him. I thank God every day that he was born. It didn't change my view of him. My life is forever changed because of it and I think that it helps him knowing that regardless of how he got here, life wouldn't be the same without him for the people that love him.

[Liliana31]

The stories here have blown me away. You have my deepest, deepest sympathies.

I´m a birthmother from Scandinavia and was raped by a stranger when I was in my teens. We met in a night club I was not supposed to frequent, but I was drinking and on drugs. The rape resulted in my pregnancy and I got into denial. It was too late to abort when I snapped out of it and in any case I´m glad I chose to give birth. However, I was manipulated and pressured into giving my daughter for adoption and have regretted it for more than thirty years.

The rape and the loss of my daughter consumed me for years. I had to let go one step at a time. I gave up drinking and drugs with the help of AA and have been clean and sober for 22 years. With therapy, anger management and group work with rape victims, somehow I forgave the rapist. I don´t know how it happened, but I did as a result of the therapies. I was using drugs and did put myself in dangerous situations at the time of the rape. I decided to take some responsability, although I did not deserve being raped. I decided never to get drunk or take drugs or put myself in dangerous situations.

I am by no means justifying his crime or saying women who get drunk deserve to be raped. Please don´t misunderstand me. I worked with rape victims in Bosnia, learned self-defense and knew I´m not alone in this. If I can share my experience with some women out there, I feel better. It´s a way of healing.

It was simpler to forgive the rapist. It was easier to downplay the rape after it had consumed me for years. I refuse to be a victim, and I won´t give the rapist the power to hurt me for years after what happened. I suffered enough, but when I let go of that hate, I felt like I had found myself again and could make a fresh start in life.

I foster my little cousin, who lost her parents in an accident, and I live a full life. I am about to reunite with my daughter after years of trying, and I will contact the rapist if my daughter wants to meet him. The rapist did give me a gift: My daughter. He also ruined a part of my life, but enough is enough. I prefer to put the blinkers on and go on with my life. That is my solution.

Love,
Liliana

[Gwendolyna]

I am looking for some input on how to handle our son's conception/birth information.

We have a 13 year old adopted son. His birth mom is my cousin and we also adopted his older half-sister (there are 5 sibs all together who are with their fathers/adoptive family). My cousin is not involved and my son has not seen her since he was two (when we got him) and has no memory of her other than what he has been told or what he imagines he remembers. We have chosen not to allow contact because she is an extremely heavy drug user to this day and has threatened to kidnap her children back. She did not relinquish rights to us, they were terminated 10 years ago when we adopted.

Legally, his birth father is the man she was married to, although they both state that he is not the birth father. My cousin says that she was violently raped, however she was working as a prostitute at the time, so I'm not sure there is any way to know. Either reality is not easy.

Our son knows that he is adopted. He knows that his mom is my cousin and he's seen pictures of her. He has some information about her and we've been gently open about why there is no contact. He wants very much to see her and is now asking a lot about his birth father. Because its a family situation, I know at some point, some relative will tell him the rape story, but so far we have protected him from that.

Under normal circumstances, I would not be as concerned with the information, but our son is pretty emotionally fragile. He has clearly had special needs since we got him. He's been diagnosed with all kinds of things: ADHD, ODD, mood disorder, learning disabilities, etc. The most likely diagnosis will be bipolar disorder or something along those lines. There is some of that in my family, and I suspect there may be some on the paternal side (although I doubt there is a way to know). My cousin most likely used a variety of drugs/alcohol while pregnant. My son has issues with rage, memory dysfunction and huge mood swings. We have had several instances of violent behavior (or close calls) and he sometimes does not have a really firm grip on reality (not sure how else to say that.) Tiny things are very big deals in our house and we work really hard to maintain a consistent, stable environment to help him (and us) cope. He has a really tender heart and is deeply affected by things.

I am sorry for the long post, but this is the first time I've ever found somewhere that I might find some answers or input. I have two main questions:
1. From those of you who have been in similar situations (on any side), what information do you recommend we tell him. At this point, we have been honest in saying that we don't know who his father is and that is something he will have to ask his birthmom someday.
2. Because of his psychological and physical concerns, it would be very helpful to have some medical history. Is there any way to collect DNA from an adopted child and have it compared to criminal records? I read that I could take the samples and compare them to ancestry.com or other sites, and maybe I would find relatives that way, but I'm thinking it may be more likely to find paternity through the criminal system.

Thanks for any advice. We love our son and thank God every day for him. I know I've listed out some of the challenges here, but he has some amazing strengths as well. We just want to help him as much as possible.

[nvz_4me]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

Wow...just...wow...I am speechless...so many other words that are far less offensive that could have been used...

Yeah i agree... you should have thought that out a tad bit longer before posting. that was very offensive.

[nvz_4me]

Ok i am the same... my daughter is born of a rape and i have told her really the same thing kinda... i married to someone else while i was pregnant to "hide" the rape... never reported it. i did know him not really well but enough to find him after 12 years online. My daughter has had some medical problems and because of the web, i have found out he has the same problems she has (ones my docs could nto give me answers to)... but really i was wondering, because she deserves it, if there was a chance of getting child support with out him having rights. If anyone knows anything about this please let me know.

[RebeccaKiessling]

I was conceived in rape and I also adopted a son who was conceived in rape, so I'm applying what I think my parents really should have done with me (though they didn't know how I was conceived.) Tell your child the truth in love, as is age-appropriate. Build on a gradual foundation of truth -- "She didn't know him very well." "He was a stranger to her." "He's not a safe person." "He hurt her." Etc.. I also tell my child who his real father is -- his Father in Heaven, who created him and had a plan for him before anyone else ever even knew he existed. I have a plethera of uplifting, life-affirming stories of people conceived in rape on my website. You'll see that others were hurt by lies. It's just best to always tell the truth.

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

Children born of Rape

What is an age appropriate time to bring light to the circumstances surrounding the child’s conception?

If you have information on the father, would you provide the information? (Name, location)

Would you permit your underage child to have communications with this person, via the telephone?

My dispassionate outsider's opinion, for what it's worth, is that I think kids deserve to know the truth of their own history, whatever it is.

That said, there's no reason to dump the whole story on a young child, so you'd have to find a way to gradually feed out the details as they're old enough to handle them.

I probably wouldn't allow contact with an underage child, and would advise an adult to proceed with caution before contacting the b-father.

[lostandconfused89]

when i was 14 i was raped by my stepfather and i chose to keep the baby now i am 19 and am married and i would like my husband to adopt my daughter but her biological father wont give up his rights what do i do????

[AmandaMichelle92]

My sister (twin sister) Amanda, was raped by one of our friend's father's friends while staying the night. We were thirteen at the time. My parents, who are pro-life, forced her to carry the child. Amanda had a terrible time with the pregnancy and almost lost her life during the birth. She's not the same person she used to be and I really feel for her. I am terrified that her child will come looking for her one day. I always seem to have pretty good relationships and a lot of guys attracted to me and Amanda and I look a lot alike, but she is not interested in relationships and she vows never to have children. Is there anything I can do for her? Has anyone been through something similar? I wish I could change her view on her life...

[kakuehl]

Has Amanda had counseling? She could well be dealing with PTSD (post traumatic stress). That's a lot of "stuff" to deal with and it doesn't surprise me that she doesn't want a relationship or children.