[screaminrieman]

Originally Posted by Mommy24

Nonetheless, still the birthmom of your child

And I thank God every night for the opportunity to father Noah. He is a blessing to all he's been around and as mad as I am at his birthmom for the things that she allowed to happen to him, I praise her for not aborting him.

[merrill1277]

Originally Posted by screaminrieman

And I thank God every night for the opportunity to father Noah. He is a blessing to all he's been around and as mad as I am at his birthmom for the things that she allowed to happen to him, I praise her for not aborting him.

Be careful, your disdainful attitude towards Noah's BirthMom will eventually seep through to him. He may either internalize some of it to himself (he is a part of her and always will be) or keep it more external and develop a disdainful attitude towards her himself. Also, she did NOT abort him, so THAT is a moot point. Forget it. Find something else positive to "praise" Noah's BirthMom about. Do you know that God asks us to search for that which is precious in others and blesses us for it? There's got to be something good in her, don't you think?

Is your adoption open or shut?

[pg13209]

Brandy,
Please do not tell your son. I was a child concieved by rape. I was a closed adoption but with help of search angel was reunited. I found bmom and was told at that time that she was brutally raped. I did not deal well with this bit of information at all. This is becasue the entire time growing up my aparents told me her age and his age and told me that they were probably in love and they made a mistake. Boy were they ever wrong. I have big issues knowing that I was concieved by rape. even worse I look exactly like him. Bmom everytime she sees me sees him. She has a hard time with it as well. If you so decide to tell your son please so not make it any time soon. Let him have his child hood. it is VERY difficult once the truth is made known.

[Emster]

Regarding what you tell the children conceived thru rape, I believe that children have a right to know about their entire history, good, bad or otherwise. I would share a little at a time, age appropriately as they grew, so that by the time they reached early adolescence, they would know the full story. 1) Eventually truth comes out, and if you arent' the one giving it to them, they'll see that as a break in trust, 2) a lot of times kids can feel that they aren't getting the whole story, and what they fill in the blanks with in their own imagination can be far worse than the real story.

Again, simply my own opinion, but I think the information we carry about our children is THEIR information (even if its also OURS), we are just the keepers of it until they're old enough to decide what to do with it.

would I allow contact with this person?? That's harder for me to answer. My gut tells me "NO" quite loudly, but I have not been in that situation. Good luck.

[screaminrieman]

Originally Posted by merrill1277

Be careful, your disdainful attitude towards Noah's BirthMom will eventually seep through to him. He may either internalize some of it to himself (he is a part of her and always will be) or keep it more external and develop a disdainful attitude towards her himself. Also, she did NOT abort him, so THAT is a moot point. Forget it. Find something else positive to "praise" Noah's BirthMom about. Do you know that God asks us to search for that which is precious in others and blesses us for it? There's got to be something good in her, don't you think?

Is your adoption open or shut?

It is a shut adoption.He was in foster care for over 2 years before I got him as a foster child. She lives in the same county as us from the last word I've heard but thats been almost a year ago. I've read up on her on our county auditors webpage. She has a nice history. Not so sure about anything good. Other than the public records, I don't know much about her. I will say that whoever the father is, he must have been one heck of an athlete. That could be it, it may have been her ?

[merrill1277]

Originally Posted by screaminrieman

It is a shut adoption.He was in foster care for over 2 years before I got him as a foster child. She lives in the same county as us from the last word I've heard but thats been almost a year ago. I've read up on her on our county auditors webpage. She has a nice history. Not so sure about anything good. Other than the public records, I don't know much about her. I will say that whoever the father is, he must have been one heck of an athlete. That could be it, it may have been her ?

The fact that you don't know her, but only her record, allows you to see her as a monster... and the speculations only get worse. Fact is, there is a real person underneath that record... someone you don't really know. I'd think she probably had a pretty bad upbringing herself. Not that this is a defense for anything she's done, but I would be hoping that she might have a chance for a better future... that she would find real opportunities to turn her life around. Unhealthy behavioral patterns learned from an early age can be hard to break for some people, without help. You can't know if there is anything good or any potential good within her (which I believe all people have), if you don't know her (as a person).

[JamieR]

I am sure it is not very easy to go through this alone. Wishing you lot of Good Luck !

[screaminrieman]

Originally Posted by merrill1277

The fact that you don't know her, but only her record, allows you to see her as a monster... and the speculations only get worse. Fact is, there is a real person underneath that record... someone you don't really know. I'd think she probably had a pretty bad upbringing herself. Not that this is a defense for anything she's done, but I would be hoping that she might have a chance for a better future... that she would find real opportunities to turn her life around. Unhealthy behavioral patterns learned from an early age can be hard to break for some people, without help. You can't know if there is anything good or any potential good within her (which I believe all people have), if you don't know her (as a person).

We actually found his B-mom working at a grocery store a few miles from our house. This is something I wanted but again, don't want him to know at this point. I get the feeling she doesn't recognise him but I could be wrong. (see my post in foster care & Adoptions about details) I will say that seeing her now, she isn't that monster I imagined. She is a person, laughing, smiling, and we even know she has a daughter. I took my mom shopping last week and she got to see her. Again, all of this is private so no-one there knows (unless she is hiding this very well). I have stopped taking my son to that store for fear of her recognising him and what may come of that. Very ironic. When he is old enough, I will let him search her out and if she stays in the community, he'll find her. My question is, when is he going to be old enough to understand this whole thing ?

[KLLoves]

I happy to know that I am not alone but also sad to know others have had to endure this. I too have a child that was conceived through rape. I did know my attacker and as previously mentioned by another lady, he just... snapped?! I tried to work with him because I was scared I would be unable to do it alone. He began to give me ultimatums (is that how you spell it) trying to force me into marriage either by anger or guilt. It hurt. I finally gained the strength and broke free. So he decided he would no longer be a part of his sons life. My son was two at the time. Since then he (the father) has stalked me, threatened me, even attempted to end my life. I got a restraining order and then hadnt talked to him in three years, then one day his new childs mother sent me an evil email questioning the paternity of my child, etc. We do have a paternity test in which he requested when my son was six months old (as if he forgot wht he did!) a few weeks after the handful of cruel emails I see them in public and shes yelling obscenities at my child and I. Over the past 10 years I have just been victimized over and over again. I have been asked why I didnt abort or set up adoption, I feel my son is my responsibility and it wasnt his fault I choose to accept to be the best mom I can be to him. He may be my only child and he looks so much like me! He's going to be a great man someday.
Sorry back to the topic at hand, I gave my son the soft truth about how he "became" I told him his father and I were friends but he wanted me more than I wanted him and he thought we should make a baby... so he did. as he got older he wanted more detail so I then told him that his dad had sex with me but I wasnt happy because he didnt let me decide when I was ready. His father doesnt pay any child support and the only time he communicates is when hes causing havoc in our lives which happens every 2-3 years. It makes life hard and I know I suffer from PTSD but my son is the light of my life. If he didnt turn out to be the person he is, I dont know if I would made it this far! It's crazy sometimes think about the irony.

PS I never talk bad about his father to my son. I do tell my son he is a little sick right now and that he should pray for him to get better so that one day they can talk about things.

[sdiedre]

Wow, KLLoves.....what challenges you have had to face! I am awed by your strength....Many blessings to you and your son.

When I was a child my family fostered 'unwed mothers' through Catholic Family Services. One girl was pregnant by a much older man, made vulnerable by her own father's molestation of her. Another got pregnant as a way to get out of her home where her two brothers and a neighbor were molesting her.

When I was 12 I was kicked out of the catholic school I attended for telling a nun (who was telling us to avoid a pregnant girl as she was going to hell) that she would be in hell to greet that girl. My mother, when told the story by the indignant nun, told her she fully supported my opinion! LOL!

I think everyone involved in foster, adoption, etc has a story that could easily crush the average person.....perhaps thats WHY they are involved.....they are/were an average person.

My heart goes out to everyone - parent, child, family, community - that has to deal with the many horrors that are perpetrated on a daily basis. My hope is to adopt a child from the foster system and to perhaps offer them a safe haven and the opportunity to grow up without some of these challenges.

screamin - I can appreciate your frustration with your son's bmom's decisions.....one way to handle this frustration, perhaps, is to recognize that anyone who treats themselves with so little respect probably learned they 'weren't worthy' at a very young age. What a sad lesson to learn from those who were meant to protect, respect and love us!

Best wishes to you all, and a special hug to those fighting the effects of rape to continue to build a strong and happy life!!

[mommy2jillian]

Hey ladies, just thought I would add my 2 cents as a child of rape, my mom dated the jerk for a year before it happened and was 16 yrs old... I am 35 and have over the years had contact with him, I have a sister and 2 brothers that I had contact with for a few years when we were older. From my end my mom told me from the start what my situation was and I have always know the truth, On the few occasions that I did see "Him" he tried to tell me mom was lying but I never believed it because I had too many people saying the same thing and over the years my mom's story NEVER waivered. I think it is important to be honest early on even though as a kid I didn't get the full concept I still knew. I was afraid when I was younger that I would be violent as he is a violent person toward not only my mom but another lady after her (one of my brothers was a child of rape too but doesn't know it and had weekly visits) and was abusive to my other two bio siblings mother as well. I can't answer how your child will react but I can say that you need to be truthful out of the gate or they might feel that you ar not being up front should they meet their bio-father. I feel that as a woman now I adjusted well to the knowledge that I had but do think that men have a harder time healing from this type of situation. I didn't seek therapy for that particular subject but when I was raped at 20 I did and some anger I didn't know I had from my mom's rape came out not at her but in that I felt dirty and was angry at him for it. Just let your children know that they are loved and that you NEVER regret how they were born and that they are miracles that saved you. God bless you for going through this as my mom did because I know it would have been very easy to abort in a case like this and you are very strong and brave for raising your children. If any of you wan to P.M. me you can feel free I am pretty open about it. One last thing you might be askign yourselves...Why did my brother maintain contact with biofather and didn't ...I was adopted by my dad only at age 1 and my brother was raise by a single mom that granted visitation. I never felt the need to see Bfather cause I had my dad and my parents would let me go when I wanted to out of curiousity, which wasn't very often, maybe 5 times in my 35 yrs have I been around the man.

[KingdomWarrior]

I just know that if ever I am raped and conceive - I am going to keep the child.

My meds are the reason I can't get preg - so if it happens, I am going to stop the meds and continue. I see that as my only chance of carrying a child, as I am single.

I respect each of you, whether you kept your child or placed. That is a very hard decision you have made

[SamburuChief]

Sorry for the dumb question but would appreciate help from anybody.

I was born of rape. Getting old now and still trying to deal with it. When I try to explain to a professional, psychologist, whatever, I’ve used the „discrete” term of „bastard”. But it obviously only conveys the illegitimacy aspect, which nowadays is not a major issue. The stigma of rape does not come across. Is there a simple word to describe?

Please private message if you would.

Thanks in advance

[DanielaS.]

I got pregnant after being raped on holidays. I dont know anything about the man who raped me as he drugged my drink so I would go back to his hotel with him. I don't remember anything about the rape but the next day I just knew that something wasn't right.
After I didn't get my period it still took me about 2 months till I took a pregnancyc test. Untill today I have never told anybodu what happened to me, apart from a few staff in the hospital and the social worker from the adoption agency. I was able to conceal my pregnancy. I was also very lucky I had an easy pregnancy as I never even once went to see a doctor cos that would have made the situation "real". I always knew I was gonna give the baby away for adoption and have not once regretted the decision.
I don't keep in contact with the family although they would be open to that. Guess it's just my way of coping. But I know they regularly send letters and pics to the adoption agency and I can go and get them any time I want. So far I have chosen not to.
I know that the family will tell their son as soon as he is old enough how he was conceived and why he was given away for adoption.
I believe it is very important to be honest. Chances the child will find out the truth are pretty big and if the child doesn't find out the truth from his parents it'll make everything far more difficult.

[Sushi]

I am a 32 yr old single Mother that JUST found out I was concieved through a rape. The news was devastating. My Grandparents raised me and I was fully aware that my Biological Mother ( who lived on my street) was my real Mother. I have known since I was 9 who my Father was, fortunatley he lived out of the province, but I passed by my grandparents house everyday. Everyday I wondered why they did not want me and everyday I longed for the father I never knew. When I graduated I wanted my Father to be there and when it was time for me to get married I did not want a big wedding because my Father could not walk me down the isle. I was told a "short truth" and shushed away whenever I asked questions. As a teenager I became very close to a girl who coincidentally is my first cousin. A few weeks ago I saw a picture on her facebook site of my Father holding her baby. I started crying and could not stop I finally demanded in an email that my Mother tell me everything and so through an email I learned that I was concieved in a rape. I should have been told at the very least when I became pregnant on my son!! I longed for this man to be in my life after losing my husband three years ago and my Grandfather two years ago I was so close to contacting him . When my son was born I wrote him a letter asking him to be in his life. Now I am mortified that I WANTED him in my life and I understand why it was so easy for my mother to walk out of my life. Sometimes it may be easy as your children are young to give them short truths but please as soon as they are old enough to begin their own life you have to tell them. At 32 yr old I am mourning the loss of a man I never knew. I am sure every little girl dreams of her Daddy coming to rescue her just like I did, she deserves to know as an adult that he was a monster.It would have saved me so much grief.
Sushi