[nancynic]

Hello,

I am the new moderator for the parenting forum and am so excited to be here. I have taught parenting classes at businesses including: Nike Corp, Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and University of New Hampshire. I also develop and teach courses for foster and adoptive parents for the College for Lifelong Learning. I am mom to two great sons, one of whom just graduated from Northeastern University in Boston and another who is a senior at Roger Williams University in Bristol, Rhode Island.

I have been a single parent for over 7 years and I have found it to be very challenging! And I know it has been challenging for my sons to live in two households and cope with divorce.

I have learned a few things since being a single parent - the first being that it is important not to undermine the feelings kids have for their 'other' parent, no matter how difficult that parent might have been as a partner.

I'd love to hear how it is going for you as a single parent ... and to offer support and encouragement.

NancyNic

[trunks888]

Glade to see you here
I'm not a single parent yet but I will be in time.
So i'll be around checking things out
Thanks take care and may God bless.

[nancynic]

Hi,

Thanks for your note ...
being a single parent is not easy ... please let me know when you
need some support ~

NancyNic

[itznett]

Hi Nancy,

Glad your here. Single mom to be here. Adopting 2 boys (6 and 8)
Placement will take place this Friday. Nerves are tattered from 2 months of weekend visits (3 hours each way) Every weekend I have the boys, more and more about their behavior comes to light.
Really kind of feeling like there was a WHOLE lot more going on with these two and their foster mother or the boys workers have mentioned. I know I should be really excited, but I can't help but feel a little bent out of shape and angry with the whole situation.
Any suggestions?
itznett@yahoo.com

Nett

[nancynic]

Hi Nett,

Well, you've done a LOT of driving, and are anticipating some questionable behavior as well as not feeling filled in on information ... so no wonder you are somewhat angry and you must be tired too.

Have you tried to get more information from the boy's worker and foster parents? Sometimes the information is just not available, but it doesn't hurt to try by asking straightforward questions.

I would suggest trying to get as much information as you can. Once the boys are with you, you will learn about them by living with them and will be more aware of their behavior.

It will take time for the boys to get used to their new surroundings and new ways of doing things, so above all, I would say to be patient, with them and with yourself. Also if you have friends who are single parents, keep in touch with them and with others for support. It is great that you are here and can seek advice and guidance from many perspectives. Reaching out for support will be very important and that's what we are here for.

Keep in touch,
Nancy

[itznett]

Nancy,

Thanks for responding.
The foster mom hasn't been very informative with information so far...so I don't see it changing much now that placement will be taking place tomorrow.

Her attitude has went from, "These are my babies and I can't bare to part with them...to... how soon before you will be taking them...how fast can this happen". Not really sure what brought that on, other than I know she isn't fond of the idea of the boys (whom are AA) moving into a Causacian home.

Need to run for now.

Nett

[itznett]

My 2 boys (6 and 8) were placed with me last Friday.... I know there will be a long of of "testing" but what can I do when they destroy their room and start with the rest of house because I try to use disipline???? I have tried to keep calm and not raise my voice and yell at them for this, and I have always given them choices when it comes to doing things. They just don't seem to grasp the concept of living with the consequences. Any suggestions?? Please???
itznett@yahoo.com

[nancynic]

Hi,

Sometimes natural and logical consequences are helpful for misbehavior. When kids don't respect material things, a logical consequence might be to remove the object (toys, etc) until they can be played with respectfully. When kids are old enough, it's a good idea to ask them what they think a fair consequence is for their misbehavior ... they usually come up with logical consequences easier than we do.

If you can be more specific about the behavior, we can off some ideas.

When consequences are related to the behavior, reasonable and respectful (the 3 R's) it makes sense to kids and often they respond.

Let us know how you are doing.

NancyNic

[itznett]

Nancy,

Well it's been a LONG week since the boys arrived. Last night I had to call a friend to come and stay with the kids for an hour so I could get away from them. They boys had been fighing all day....however what started out as typical "boy play" turned into hard core punching and kicking. I put a stop to it. One kid in one room for a time out and one kid in another room.2 hours later my oldest was still punching and kicking the walls and had his room tore apart. Not to mention the fact that the main wall he was kicking in his room was a livingroom wall on the other side and HAD a shelf with several pictures on it. I removed the expensive stuff....but he managed to kick so hard that the nails actually gave out and the shelf hit the floor.....The positive is no one was sitting on the couch when it fell.

If I lose my sense of humor I am a goner....so here is the best part...He had been in therapy before moving in with me but his therapist hadn't seen him in over a month...she seems to think he doesnt need to continue therapy in the future....

Have a great day

[nancynic]

Hi,

It's very difficult to hang in there when there is such anger and acting out. Imagine the frustration that is in need of expression. You are so right about maintaining a sense of humor! Is the therapy continuing? Can you check out another therapist if the current one does not see the need to continue?

I hope you are able to have a little time for yourself each day ...

Stay in touch!
NancyNic

[itznett]

Nancy,

I write this with a heavy heart. I was forced to disrupt the adoption with my boys. Their behavior became so severe there was nothing I could do, but to let them go and pray to God that they find a family that has the strength and resources to help these kids. When they were good they were really good. But when they were bad.....Oh My God!I have never seen kids like this in my entire life. It's really a long story...but in the end it's all the same. The boys are gone and I am as empty as I have ever been, and can't find a way to pull my life back together.
Hope all is well with you.

Nett

[lambeausam]

Nett,

So sorry to hear of the disruption. I wish you the best as you recover.

[nancynic]

Dear Nett,

I am so sorry. I know your heart is broken. Some children have suffered so much that their behavior is beyond what a family can withstand. Please keep in touch to let us know how you are doing.

all best wishes,
Nancy

[itznett]

Thanks for the support. I just keep trying to figure out what I could have done differently...and it is tearing me up. I can't image how it got so bad so fast!

Thanks again

Nett

[nancynic]

Dear Nett,

I hope that with time you will come to peace with knowing that you did what you could and that is a thing of great beauty.

Keep in touch,
NancyNic