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Old 03-19-2012, 01:37 PM
PouringRain PouringRain is offline
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Question Single, possibly adopting brothers baby, and VERY CONFUSED

My brother's girlfriend called me last week and asked me if I wanted to adopt the baby girl that she is 8 months pregnant with. I know most people here would jump at that chance, but I am having a hard time making a decision. I am a single woman, I run my own business and work a lot. I don't live close to my family and I have no friends that could help if/when I need it. There is no doubt in my mind that I would make a good mom. I love kids, but I also love to spoil them and give them back. I've talked to my mom about this and she said that even though I am the only one of her 4 kids that doesn't have kids of my own that I am probably the one that is the most capable (physically, financially, emotionally) of taking care of and loving a child, and I agree with her. My bro's gf said if I don't take the baby, that she is going to keep her even though she doesn't want her. With all that being said...
I've been focusing on a lot of things when I think about the situation. About if it's what's best for the baby, about what to tell people, about daycare, about what I will tell her when she's older, about how my bro and his gf will feel afterwards. But I really haven't been thinking that much about myself. About how this will change my life, about how I feel. Ultimately I will be the one doing this, so I decided that's what I was going to focus on for a few days.
Yesterday I decided that I was going to think for one day with the thought in my mind that I WAS going to adopt her and see how it made me feel. I was mostly petrified all day about how my life was going to change and how this wasn't just something that was going to last for a few weeks, but for my entire life. No more softball, no more sleeping in, no more doing what I want to do when I want to do it. It sounds selfish, I know, but this isn't just about whats best for the baby, it's also about what's best for me. Last night I was laying in bed and thinking, if I have a baby, I won't get to do this anymore for quite awhile. I won't be sitting here watching tv and relaxing, I'll be washing bottles, washing baby clothes, changing diapers, and taking care of her. As she gets older, my tasks will change, but it will be all about doing what ever it takes to satisfy her needs and make sure she is fed, clean, safe, and happy. This will be completely on my shoulders. I would have no help what so ever. I don't have any friends or family here that could help me. It completely freaked me out. The biggest commitment that I have ever made was when I made the decision to get a cat. This is a lifetime commitment that will require a lot more than just feeding her a few times a day.
So I decided that today I was going to think for the whole day with the thought in my mind that I WASN"T going to adopt her and see how that made me feel. I've been depressed all day. And I kinda miss her. She's not even here yet and just the thought of not having her with me makes me sad. Part of me feels like she is already mine and none of the things that I thought about giving up yesterday seem to matter.
I think part of what is freaking me out so much is the commitment side of it and the fact that it will be just me. I know single women raise kids every day and they do a great job at it. It's not that I don't want the baby, because I do, and I do think that I am what is best for the baby, I'm just terrified.
I haven't been sleeping. I have to force myself to eat. I fight back tears at work. I can't think about anything else but this situation and that baby girl. It's making me crazy and it's making me sick to my stomach. I just don't know what to do. I'm so scared that no matter what I decide, it's going to be the wrong decision.
Obviously I don't have a lot more time to think about this. The baby is due in May. So if anyone has any advice or even a different perspective, I would definitely appreciate it.

Last edited by PouringRain : 03-19-2012 at 01:40 PM.
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Old 03-19-2012, 05:44 PM
ruth74 ruth74 is offline
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The first advice I have is to stop and breathe. It sounds as if you are very overwhelmed, and that is not a good place from which to make a decision.

I'm the single mom of a 10-month-old. It is absolutely doable. However, there are things that are really hard. The first 5 months were the worst; there was more than one time that I was on the phone with a friend in tears because I didn't feel like I got to be any kind of my own person anymore, if that makes sense. That was, of course, made worse by the fact that I was sleep deprived. Not that I ever questioned whether it was worth it, but there were (are, and will be) hard times.

There are things that make it work for me. I have a really good, close support system. My family are over an hour away, but I have close friends and a supportive religious community. I changed jobs to one that has a better schedule. I'm taking time off from school (I'd been working on my doctorate, but I'm reconsidering). I don't think I would be doing this parenting thing very well if I didn't have a good support system - not just people who can watch C if I have to work late, but the ones who listen to me when freak out, spent the night at the ER with me when C was 6 weeks old and I got really sick, brought me ice cream when I called in tears because I was exhausted and overwhelmed, and have experience and can give me feedback around all the "stuff" I've never dealt with before.

I'm not saying any of this to discourage you, but I would suggest that if you choose to pursue the adoption (and the baby's mom chooses to continue to pursue it as well), that you will want to focus on building up/ identifying as much of a support system as you can.
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Old 03-19-2012, 06:36 PM
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Withay Withay is offline
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Very wise words Ruth.

I was a single foster mom for almost 10 years. At the 8 year mark I adopted a little one who had been with me since birth (then 2-1/2 yrs). I am now in the process of adopting another fc who has been with me since birth (now 4-1/2 yrs). This gives me 2 kids who are less than 6 months apart in age. It is very doable.

I totally agree with Ruth that you need to take time, if you decide to go forward with this, to work on building a support system. I would recommend having at least 3 people who could help out in a pinch.

Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments,
because you know they produce quarrels.

2 Timothy 2:23

Mom to:
AS - S
AS - N


Last edited by Withay : 08-25-2012 at 02:08 PM.
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Old 08-25-2012, 01:16 PM
rotti398 rotti398 is offline
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I know where you are coming from. I adopted my little boy almost 5 years ago. It was very scaring but I wouldn't change anything about it. He is almost 5 now and now I am looking to be able to adopt another one. They are great kids out there that needs to be loved and cared for. I went private adoption and it was fast and easy to do.

I hope that this will ease your mind on what to do.. God will take care of the rest.

God bless you.
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Old 08-26-2012, 08:34 AM
PouringRain PouringRain is offline
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Just as an update...I chose to adopt the baby. After I made the decision and committed to it, my stress level dropped tremendously. I think the biggest part for me was just making the decision and not looking back. I stayed in constant contact with the birth mother through the remainder of her pregnancy, talking to her daily, all the while she insisted that this was what she wanted and that it was best. Never giving me any doubt as to her decision. I prepared the nursery and my home and work for the arrival of my new little one. I got a phone call at 3am one morning in late May and my brother told me that she was in labor and I should head to the hospital. It's an 8 hour drive between us, and I missed the birth. When I walked into the hospital room, the birth mother was asleep and my mother was sitting in the chair holding my daughter. She walked over and handed her to me and I almost cried. The next few days in the hospital were a little awkward, but amazing. The birth mother had a tubal, so she was in the hospital for an extra day. I spent all the time at the hospital that they would let me. The birth mother said that since I was going to take her anyway, that I could name her and then I wouldn't have to change her name. So I named her, even gave her my middle name. The adoption papers were signed and I took my baby girl home. Two days later I got a call from the birth mother and she said that she couldn't do it and she wanted her back. My entire world fell apart in a matter of a 15 second phone call. All I could do was hold her in my arms and cry until I met my brother and gave her back. It's unbelievable how I wasn't even looking for this and was so stressed out about it, yet was completely devastated in the end. It's been 3 months since I gave her back, and its been the hardest 3 months of my life being without her. I still feel like she's mine. Although my heart is broken, I did learn something about myself in all this. I do want to be a mother, and there is no doubt in my mind that one day, I'll be a great one.
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Old 08-27-2012, 05:21 AM
rotti398 rotti398 is offline
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I am so sorry sweetie, My prayers are with you while going through this trial in your life. Just remember that God brought that little girl into your life for a reason and now you know that you will be a great mother.

God bless you and keep your head up. God will provide another one for you in his time...

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Old 08-27-2012, 06:37 AM
luvbeingamom luvbeingamom is offline
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((((Pouring rain)))) I am so sorry you went through this. I went through the same thing only my niece changed her mind after two weeks. The pain was like a death. I want to tell you, pursue becoming a mother. I am now the proud mother of four more children. The worst day of my life was the start of my journey.

Good luck to you. You will be an awesome mother.
Retired Foster Mama
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Old 08-27-2012, 08:56 AM
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wcurry66 wcurry66 is offline
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I'm so very sorry. sending much
Nov 5, 2009 - princess moves in
Jan 14, 2010 - TPR, OA signed
Aug 5, 2010 - FINALIZATION

If you want to keep your memories, you first have to live them. Bob Dylan
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