[Nightengale]

Hi all,

My name is Michelle and I'm brand new here. I've briefly looked around the forum but am not very familiar with this community.

Brief background: I'm 32, single, never married, with no kids. I'm not currently dating and my prospects of finding someone don't look good. However, I'd like to have a family sometime. And I realized that as I approach 40, that time is probably NOW. I'm considering adoption. However, I have no idea where to start.

For health reasons, my first choice has always been adoption, but I'm also considering AI because I have some major concerns about adopting as a single woman:

1. The thought of Social Services poking their nose into my business (I realize it's necesssary) and deciding whether I'm "worthy" to have a child just raises my hackles.

2. As a single woman, I know I'm not as likely to be picked/approved as a couple. So I'm more likely to get an older child as opposed to an infant. Theoretically, I'm not opposed to an older child. It might actually make it easier to care for a child as a working, single woman.

However, I know a lot of childen in foster care come with their own issues: physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, behavioral and mental issues, etc. I'm not at all sure I'm up for that.

I went to the initial meeting of a new foster/adoptive parent support group that was recently formed at my church. They talked about the issues they were having with the children they'd brought into their homes and they all agreed: "You think that these kids just need love and a stable, loving home -- that you can love them into good emotional and mental health. But it doesn't work that way. These kids still have their problems."

That scares me.

Does anyone have any suggestions for beginning my adoption journey?

I know some agencies and countries will work with singles, others won't. As a single woman investigating adoption, what first steps would you recommend? What book or Web site do I read? Where do I look for an agency? (Or do I need an agency?) Should I look into a certain type of adoption (private, domestic, international, from the foster care system, etc.)? As a single woman, what is my next step?

I already have the book "Adopting On Your Own" but that's been the extent of my research.

Thanks for all of your help!

Michelle

[ocracoke]

Michelle,

Welcome to the world of adoption! Don't be too scared yet. There are so many options and you need to find what fits you first. When I decided to become a mom (at 29) and I was single I decided that there was a good chance that I would not be approved to adopt so I went the AI route. Turns out that I have fertility issues so I never got pregnant -- who would have thought it coming from a woman who had 7 kids in 10 years. Anyway after years of no success I decided on adoption and changed my life so that I thought I would be approved (new career with better hours and better pay and moved closer to family). Since I was adopted out of the US system I assumed that I would adopt from the US as well. I decided I wanted as young as possible and I started interviewing homestudy agencies. I was told that since I was single I may have a long wait for an infant. Why would a potential bmom pick me over a 2 parent home? I was told that realistically I should not expect a child out of the foster care system under 5 years old. So I was guided into the international adoption scene. Once that decision was made it was a matter of finding the right country. Some won't work with singles, some won't work with heavy set people, some have income requirements I just don't meet. I then fell in love with one of the countries I was eligible for and began the search for an agency that worked in that country. Then it was jumping in with both feet to do the paperwork. Oddly enough right before I turned in all of my paperwork I realized that I did not want an infant after all so I changed my age request to a toddler. If I get the chance to adopt again I would do international again -- returning to the same country -- and I would ask for an even older child this time.

That is what worked for me. You must find what would work for you.

Best of luck,
Samantha

[Nightengale]

Samantha,

THANK YOU so much for your informative response and encouragement! I greatly appreciate it!

From the little research I've done, an international adoption seemed like the best route to me too. If I remember correctly, Russia allows singles to adopt though I have no idea what their requirements are. I have some Russian heritage way back in my bloodline somewhere and since I could get a white Caucasian child (I'm a white Caucasian), Russia appealed to me.

I need to investigate the best route for me and see what options are available. How would I find which countries allow singles to adopt? Guess I could just do a Google search.

Once I decide on a country (or countries), what would be my next steps?

Congrats on your daughter!

Michelle

[Sohmakun]

1. The thought of Social Services poking their nose into my business (I realize it's necesssary) and deciding whether I'm "worthy" to have a child just raises my hackles.

No matter which route you choose, you will need to have a homestudy an they will poke their noses in your business. Agencies want to make sure you are financially and physically capable of raising a child on your own. They also want to make sure children go to safe homes from pedophile and child molesters.

2. As a single woman, I know I'm not as likely to be picked/approved as a couple. So I'm more likely to get an older child as opposed to an infant. Theoretically, I'm not opposed to an older child. It might actually make it easier to care for a child as a working, single woman.

Actually, there are lots of people here on these boards who have adopted infants domestically without many problems. Virtually all the children available for domestic infant adoption are newborns so its not impossible to receive and infant.

However, I know a lot of childen in foster care come with their own issues: physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, behavioral and mental issues, etc. I'm not at all sure I'm up for that.

If your not ready to deal with the issues or neglect and abuse I suggest you reconsider adopting an older child altogether. International adoption is NOT a magic ticket away from abuse and neglect. These things happen in many institutionalized settings - including orphanages. In fact, you are less likely to be told your child has experienced neglect and abuse in international adoption because in many countries the effects of these situations are not fully known.

I know some agencies and countries will work with singles, others won't. As a single woman investigating adoption, what first steps would you recommend? What book or Web site do I read? Where do I look for an agency? (Or do I need an agency?) Should I look into a certain type of adoption (private, domestic, international, from the foster care system, etc.)? As a single woman, what is my next step?

Write down your criterias then consider which route would be best. For example, if you want a newborn CC baby or a sibling group of 3 asian kids etc. Then find out which route would lead you to this.

[ocracoke]

Michelle,

I believe that Russia is still open to singles. However, I am not sure how easy of a process Russia is. I had a friend have 3 failed adoptions out of Russia before switching to China (which is not open to singles now). Anyway, people on the Russian board here may be a better source of information for you on that particular country. I do believe that Russia requires more then one trip.

You can do some country research at this site. Adoption Country Specific Information It will give you the general guidelines for what that particular country requires. Once you are interested in a country then do a google search for agencies that work in the country and talk to the agencies. Information in international adoption can change quickly so it is important to talk with a reputable agency about what is happening with that country now.

Samantha

[Nightengale]

Thanks everyone!

Sohmakun,

Sorry for the confusion! I didn't mean to imply that children would be free from trauma if I adopted internationally. I meant that I thought it might be easier to get a younger child if I adopted internationally rather than domestically.

As for newborns available for infant adoption, it's my understanding that supply and demand rules the day here. I'm sure that newborns and older babies become available for adoption all the time. But I've also read that they're more in demand and that couples get first preference.

Michelle

[linda512]

There is a group called single mothers by choice and they have email groups for people thinking about becoming a single mother, people trying to get pregnant and for women looking to adopt. There is some great information there.
I adopted my son from Guatemala (I am also single) but they are closed to adotpion now. With most countires that are open now children are coming home older, with maybe the exception of Vietnam (which may now be closed) and Ethiopia.
Domestically, most infant adoptions are private adoptions through an agency or attorney (I am a little fuzzy on these details but the next I'm pretty sure of) and the birth parents generally pick the adoptive parents. Many single women get picked. The wait may be a little longer but it can definitely be done.
Good luck as you work through all your options. Single motherhood is hard but amazing! Best thing I ever did!

[Nightengale]

Thanks for sharing, Linda! I so appreciate the information and encouragement. It means a lot.

I have lots of research to do...

Michelle

[Nightengale]

One thing I've seen here is references to failed adoptions. I've also seen other comments about IVF being no guarantee of bringing a child home while with adoption you can reasonably expect to bring a child home.

The two statements just don't jell. To me, the first statement would seem to be more true. So which is it? I know neither way is absolutely 100%. But statistically speaking, what are the chances of a failed adoption? What are some of the common causes of failed adoptions and is there a way to reduce that risk?

I've also heard references to how expensive adoption is. Surely there's a moderately-priced avenue to adoption. Isn't there???

Michelle

[krisrose]

I started researching adoption when I was your age. I read a few books, including adopting on your own, and also combed through these forums and several others to get people's real-life experiences. I finally decided to adopt from foster care and went to the first orientation meeting. I still wasn't completely sure but told myself I would go through the classes and see what happens. I did the homestudy and the worst part for me was all the paperwork. They do ask you everything about your life but I'm glad they did because some of the questions led me to think harder about what I was actually doing.

I knew going in I wanted an older school-age child because I wasn't sure I could handle a baby on my own. My wait was not long at all--in fact, I was matched with my daughter the day I finished my last class. She is 12 years old and moved in the beginning of June. We are due to finalize in December. The first couple of months were HARD but now it is amazing. I wouldn't trade this experience for anything.

To answer your last question, yes, adoption can be expensive, particularly international adoption. I researched international before deciding I couldn't financially do it right now. However, adopting from foster care has cost me nothing. The state pays for the homestudy and reimburses me for any expenses. In addition, most kids get a subsidy each month after adoption.

[Sohmakun]

Sohmakun,

Sorry for the confusion! I didn't mean to imply that children would be free from trauma if I adopted internationally. I meant that I thought it might be easier to get a younger child if I adopted internationally rather than domestically.

Oh thats okay ! As you can see I get fired up when people think internationally adopted children are perfect little blank slates. I have witnessed many situations where that is not the case.

As for newborns available for infant adoption, it's my understanding that supply and demand rules the day here. I'm sure that newborns and older babies become available for adoption all the time. But I've also read that they're more in demand and that couples get first preference.

Yes, this is true. However, the supply and demand rule only applies to healthy, Caucasian newborns. Even in those situations a lot of people have adopted healthy Caucasian infants within a year. You are also right that couples are more likely to be chosen over single moms and dads but if you are open to a healthy African-American or Biracial child or a infant of any race with medical needs then you could probably be matched within 18 months average.

The two statements just don't jell. To me, the first statement would seem to be more true. So which is it? I know neither way is absolutely 100%. But statistically speaking, what are the chances of a failed adoption? What are some of the common causes of failed adoptions and is there a way to reduce that risk?

Adoptive families magazine actually did a poll about this last year. Readers polled in and said that 33% of their adoption failed BEFORE the birthmother's TPR. After TPR happened, less that 1% of them failed. Its really difficult to know which birthmothers change their minds and which ones don't so you always have to be prepared for that reality. I personally suggest you work with an agency that won't make you pay additional birthmother fees if you adoption does not follow through.

I've also heard references to how expensive adoption is. Surely there's a moderately-priced avenue to adoption. Isn't there???

If your looking for a way to save money consider domestic adoption. Especially a minority or special needs infant. These adoptions can cost about 10-20K because agencies often get subsidies or grants to lower fees since they do not have enough families for them. You can also adopt internationally through some agencies I have in mind. They lower their fees substantially for adopting special needs or older children; just PM me if you would like their names.

[Yash]

Hi Michelle,

Welcome to the rollercoaster that is adoption. It is not for the faint of heart.




For health reasons, my first choice has always been adoption, but I'm also considering AI because I have some major concerns about adopting as a single woman:

My friend is trying this route and if you're interested you can PM me and I"ll give you the name of the clinic she's using.



1. The thought of Social Services poking their nose into my business (I realize it's necesssary) and deciding whether I'm "worthy" to have a child just raises my hackles.

Please know that adopting through foster care has got to be the toughest way to adopt. To have a child in your home, to love this child, to care for this child, yet always know in the back of your mind this child could be gone in a drop of the hat isn't easy. You have to be one tough cookie for this route.
I have been a licensed foster home for 4 years this Halloween and the longest I've gone without social workers or county workers in my life is 3 1/2 months. When I finalize my daughter's adoption this fall, I'm taking a nice long break.



I went to the initial meeting of a new foster/adoptive parent support group that was recently formed at my church. They talked about the issues they were having with the children they'd brought into their homes and they all agreed: "You think that these kids just need love and a stable, loving home -- that you can love them into good emotional and mental health. But it doesn't work that way. These kids still have their problems."

That scares me.

For some reason the new tatic is to scare potential fost/adopt parents. Like with all adoptions if you are open to race and sex, you can get a placement varily quickly.

In Sept 2004, I was completing my last foster class and I asked the speaker, also one of my agency's adoption matchers, how long would it take for me to adopt an infant girl. Infant, according to the state, is 0 - 2. She told me 9 - 18 months. I said to myself, is this little girl the second coming of Christ? She then said if I was open to a minority boy I would bring home a baby from the hospital. I knew then I would be a mother to a little boy.

My son came home at five-days-old. The other single woman in my class, who I strongly encouraged to change from girl only to either sex, stayed in the NICU the last two nights her son was there.

Of course if you adopt an infant from the state, the unspoken assumption is the child has been prenatally exposed to drugs. My son tested positive for cocaine in the hospital, but showed no signs of withdrawl in the hosptial or at the home of a very experience emergency foster mom. He has always reached his developmental milestones on time, but usually he was ahead of the curve.

I was open to race, sex, some drug exposure, but I wanted a child AYAP with one-years-old being my maximum age. I've had three fost/adopt placements with two ending in adoption.

Does anyone have any suggestions for beginning my adoption journey?

When I started my adoption journey I wanted to adopt from China, but I didn't meet the requirements. So I then looked at all the countries open and then narrowed them down based on countries I was eligible for. I further narrowed down the list based on time spent in country. As a single, working mom, I can't spend endlessly weeks in a birth country nor could I afford multiple trips back and forth. Issues in certain countries made me weed out some countries...ie I went to one agency's information meeting and the couple hosting had adopted 2 children from Russia. They really brought home to me the true issues of fetal alcohol syndrome.

Once I had chosen a country, then the fun tasking of looking for an agency started. I quickly discovered you can always find people who LOVED an agency and people who HATED the same agency. At the end sometimes, you have to go with your gut.


I know some agencies and countries will work with singles, others won't. As a single woman investigating adoption, what first steps would you recommend? What book or Web site do I read? Where do I look for an agency? (Or do I need an agency?) Should I look into a certain type of adoption (private, domestic, international, from the foster care system, etc.)? As a single woman, what is my next step?

Choosing the type of adoption you want to do is your first step. I went with foster care after all the countries I was interested in closed. But I truly only pursued this route after I heard about the foster/adoptive option.

I went to amazon and looked at what was on people's adoption book lists, saw what other adoption books people bought based on the last book I read. I joined yahoo adoption groups and found their book lists. I personally enjoyed the personal adoption books better. I even put together a list of children's books about adoption for me to read to decide which ones I wanted to buy for my future child. To this day, my favorite is still "Tell Me Again About The Night I Was Born" by Jaime Lee Curtis.

On a last note, while having a baby in your home is hard when the future is uncertain, because at the end of the day its all based on what a judge decides, but international adoption is difficult too.

Granted it's not as long as the China families are waiting, but I waited 16 months to get a referral from Vietnam. What was supposed to be a 9 month wait, then a 12 month wait, then an "I don't know" wait, turned into 16 long months of waiting. And now once again, I wait for all Layla's paperwork to be processed and finished so then I can file for her visa and wait some more. The waiting on top of waiting would have probably driven me insane if I didn't already have 2 kids at home to keep me busy and distracted.

I remember crying, listening to "Breathe of Heaven", while washing the Christmas dinner plates, asking God to let this be my last birthday, my last Christmas without a child to call my own. Little did I know God had already answered my prayer in the form of a baby boy who was just a few hours old.

Best of luck on your journey!!

[Nightengale]

Hey Ladies!

Thanks so much for answering my questions. Sorry for not responding earlier.

I checked out several books on adoption from the library today, including at least three on international adoption, two of them specific to Russia and China which I know are both open to singles.

I've been doing a little research on adoption and am not too enthused about adopting from the foster care system. I know that kids in the foster care system have often suffered physical or sexual abuse or have either physical, mental and/or emotional problems. Doesn't necessarily mean it happened in the foster care system, but by definition, foster care kids come from troubled backgrounds.

I might find a child ideal for me from the foster care system, I don't know. But at first glance, I'm not terribly excited about it.

I'm also looking to create a permanent family so fostering before adopting isn't a great option for me. I'm not sure that I could care for and love a child and then give that child back. I don't think I'm cut out for that. (And God bless all foster care parents!)

I'll know more once I read the books. In the next month or so, I'm also going to my doctors as I investgate the AI option. Until I get their opinions, I don't know if carrying a baby is a wise idea. And even if they tell me I CAN, it still doens't mean it's a good idea.

We'll see.

Thanks so much for such thoughtful and detailed responses! I greatly appreciate it!

Michelle

[Yash]

Michelle,

China is NOT open to singles any longer. I believe it was in March that they stopped accepting singles. Kazikstan (sp?) is open to singles.

You also can do straight adoption from foster care, though those children tend to be older.

Good luck!

[marcav]

Hi Michelle,

I adopted an infant from foster care when I was 55 and I also am single. My son was born addicted to a number of drugs, but did not suffer much from withdrawal while in the hospital. He is now 3 yo and very bright, developmentally on target, and gives me a run for my money!

In my state, particularly in my county there is an enormous need for foster adopt families and many babies available. I would suggest that you research your state's program because I believe that is true for the state you are from also. When you are thinking about adopting internationally, please don't overlook the potential problems associated with institutionalization and/or drug-alcohol use (alcohol particularly in Russia) by birth parents. I was told by an EI team that there is a marked difference in babies that spend more than 6 weeks in a hospital (institution) than the boarder babies who are moved quickly out.

Yes, you are correct in that if you take a foster baby you are risking surrender back to the family; I just wanted to point out that there is a gamble no matter what route you take.

Mary