[DreamingAzure]

Hi Everyone...Just needed to vent to a few people who might understand where I'm coming from.

This weekend I was sitting around chatting with some family friends, when I was asked when I was going to present my parents with grandchildren. Most of the friends grandbabies are half grown now...lol So I share with them my hopes to adopt from Vietnam. Several of them said "oh that's nice" and several others questioned me as to why I wouldn't adopt a baby from the US...so I explained how slight my chances are of adopting a newborn in a private adoption, and how foster care just doesn't fit into my support system very well(or my comfort zone to be honest) and that my heart is just really in Veitnam, that I had ALWAYS thought international when I thought about myself and adoption.

But then it really just started to irk me(I checked my voice mail and had a message from one of the agencies I contacted MONTHS ago)...why is it that in the US I'm a 2nd class adoption citizen?

I'm good enough to adopt internationally..but not good enough for a domestic private adoption??(I WAS told this by TWO big agency, as well as 3 small ones in my state) I consider myself to be a pretty typical Christian-middle class-single-white woman...BUT (and I was told this by 3 of the 5 agencies meantioned above) unless I'm willing to take a SN baby or Foster children who SN, It's "unlikely that I will be able to adopt domestically". They suggested that I try to find a "private situation via word of mouth and pray".

While as a Christian I would NEVER under estimate the power of prayer...the TONE of voice used was sarcastic "you don't have a chance of snow in the devil's playground" type of "PRAY"

The logic fails me...I'm a good enough person to take on the added concerns of caring for a child with mild to severe SNs, or to adopt a child from another country, But I'm NOT good enough to adopt a healthy American Newborn???

Have any of you out there as single women been successful in adopting a healthy newborn in the US??

By no means do *I* feel like international adoption is 2nd best or inferior in some way...in fact until I was repeatedly TOLD that I couldn't adopt domestically I really didn't give it a 2nd thought...

but GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

Ya'll KWIM????

[cynthia900]

Hi Shana,

I have adopted two newborns - one through the state and the second in an independent adoption using an attorney. It is certainly not rare but you certainly do have to choose your agency carefully. There are plenty of agencies willing to work with you and who have successful track records in placing with singles.

If Vietnam is your dream then go for it, if it is domestic newborn, then don't give up.

Cynthia

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by DreamingAzure

I'm good enough to adopt internationally..but not good enough for a domestic private adoption??(I WAS told this by TWO big agency, as well as 3 small ones in my state) I consider myself to be a pretty typical Christian-middle class-single-white woman...BUT (and I was told this by 3 of the 5 agencies meantioned above) unless I'm willing to take a SN baby or Foster children who SN, It's "unlikely that I will be able to adopt domestically". They suggested that I try to find a "private situation via word of mouth and pray". Ya'll KWIM????

I don't think logic is relevant here. It is the domestic adoption system that is working against you. Many agencies find children for adoption by convincing single women that they are not good enough to raise their children alone and the "Christian" thing to do is to choose a Mom and Dad kind of family. So with expectant parents doing the choosing, I think the odds are very small that a single adoptive parent will be chosen. Also, if you were convinced by an agency that your child "deserved" a Mom and Dad kind of family and then looked through profiles with single parents listed, what would that tell you about the agency? It is poor marketing IMO to flaunt this double standard.

Domestic adoption is a mess.

Good luck. I have a close friend who adopted internationally - she and her daughter are an awesome family. Don't let anyone discourage you.

Happy G'Ma

[waitinginnj]

I'm a single mom. I adopted internationally. I did look at foster care and determined it wasn't right for me. I briefely considered domestic adoption but I never contacted agencies of anything. It just felt like a difficult road to travel with uncertain results. Consider all of the 2 parent families that wait months, year with or without success.

I decided what was important to me was time frame and a logical process. At that time, Russia was the right answer for me. ( not that International Adoption is always logical either.)

The end result is what I wanted. I wanted to be a parent to a child that needed a parent. We are now a family.

I could have pursued a domestic situation, but it didn't fit for me. I am not offended by it, it is simply the way it is.

[Kindreds]

If I had not been convinced that single motherhood would be bad for my child, I would have been my child's single mother.

As I look back, what I really was doing was giving my child a dad, not a mother. Sorry to have to say this to those adoptive mom's reading. My child already had a mother that loved her very much. I think many of us bought into that fantasy. This was many years ago, but I sense this fantasy is still being sold to many scared young unwed mothers to be.

[crick]

Dreaming...I think that a lot of single women willingly placing their children want what they feel they can't give to their child. And one of those things is a 2 parent home. It is still considered "best" in our society, for kids to grow up with a 2 parent home. (regardless of all the loving/successful single parent homes on the rise...)

I don't think it's the agency's double standard so much as it is society's "standard" in general.

I'd hold onto the other aspect of this, which is your heart is drawn to Vietnam and that you always thought you'd adopt international for your own reasons...not because someone else said that's your only option, but because you believe your children are in Vietnam and you are meant to be their mom.

[Jackobanzi]

It's funny how absolutely ingrained these ideas get in our heads, for no logical reason.

I spent a very long time full of angst about wanting to adopt as a single mom, feeling almost guilty about it. I had no doubts in my mind that I would be a great mom, but my gut kept telling me it was wrong. I finally expressed this feeling out loud to one of my friends, and she laughed at me. She said, "You are the LAST person I would expect to hear that from! You don't care what other people think!!" It sounds evil of her, but it was exactly what I needed to hear, and was the kick in the pants that got me moving on my adoption.

In all other areas, I'm able to hear someone's opinon and either take it or leave it. My b-i-l calls me a feminazi, and there's no question that I'm always the one screaming about women's competence, blah, blah, blah. For some reason, I couldn't do it on this one, until my friend pointed out the oddness of that. The social programming was just too good!

Even my mom, who was basically a single mom after I was three, the person who turned me into a feminazi, balked at the idea when I first mentioned it to her. I let her mull it over for a while, then brought the discussion back up again. I'm overseas, so it was via e-mail, but I broke into tears when I read, "I just know how hard being a single mom can be...but now that I've thought about it, you'll get more help from your friends than I EVER got from your dad, so go for it."

It's just one more thing to know you're making a good decision about, and to write off the differing viewpoints of others.

Best of luck with your adoption!

[hansmom]

I just had to let you know that single parent adoption can happen infact it happens all the time. I am a single parent who adopted a new born girl. I was able to check her out of the hospital. It was wonderful.

When I started the process I was told a lot of the same things you were. I could not figure out how I was not good enough to parent a healthy newborn but it was ok for me to parent an special needs child or a sibling group. Both of them would require more time more money and both would be in short supply with just one parent.

But I kept looking until I found a lawyer who handles adoptions and she has no problem with single parent adoptions. She told me 18 months to 2 years for a newborn healthy child. It took 20 months.

You need to follow your heart it will lead you down the right road.

Internaltion or domestic it is possible both ways.

Just don't give up the work is so worth it. My daughter is now 5 and this past 5 years have been the best of my life.

Good Luck

It can happen

[Fe2002]

I know this thread is way old, but if I'm reading it then maybe others are too. I adopted a newborn as a single parent and I was actually chosen over married couples.

My agency has a policy in which they will place a child with waiting single parents if the bmom decides to leave the decision up to the agency - since typically single parents are expected to have a longer wait. But that "rule" never kicked in for me since I was chosen by the bmom.

Prior to bringing my daughter home I had been chosen by 2 other bmoms. In both cases the bmoms decided to parent.

All of this to say, that times are definitely changing!

I would hope that the women today that are making adoption plans for their children will not do so based solely on the fact that they would be single parents.

Originally Posted by Kindreds

If I had not been convinced that single motherhood would be bad for my child, I would have been my child's single mother.

As I look back, what I really was doing was giving my child a dad, not a mother. Sorry to have to say this to those adoptive mom's reading. My child already had a mother that loved her very much. I think many of us bought into that fantasy. This was many years ago, but I sense this fantasy is still being sold to many scared young unwed mothers to be.

[Indy]

Try being male, over 40, AND single!

[BethanyB]

When I was going to use a domestic agency I called a few to see which ones I thought were the best. None of them turned me away because I was a single parent. It may be because I was open to race and gender but all of them welcomed me with open arms and promised a short wait time.

When I figured out that the cost was too high I looked into adoption from the foster care system. They too welcomed me with open arms and after a month and a half of classes I was licenced and had my newborn son in my arms four days later. A year after that I had my newborn daughter (my son's bio sibling) in my arms.

They are the love of my life. There ARE agencies out there who accept singles. There are eparents out there who choose singles for their own reasons and there agencies that pick for some eparents when they don't want to pick. The world is a changing place. Don't give up on it.

[vernellinnj]

OP/Other interested singles-

It may sound hokey, but I've come to believe that the child your are meant to parent will find you. How else do you explain some people waiting 24 hours and others waiting 2 years?

Follow your heart and allow God to do the rest...

Best wishes.