[guywithlove]

OK, I keep posting this message on the wrong sub-board. Here goes again....

Can anyone recommend an agency or method I should follow to adopt one or more girls, since I was told that agencies won't do it, and they won't normally tell you they won't do it for fear of discrimination lawsuits. I'd rather they shoot straight with me than waste my time letting me go through the process when it's not gonna happen. I feel the same void that childless couples feel, but have three stikes against me. I'm late 40's, single, and have wanted a daughter all my adult life. I've heard of single females with no kids adopting boys, but not the other way around. Is it done? Where? How? Has anyone gotten or heard of someone getting results by contacting family law and adoption attorneys? I'm not sure how that idea would work unless the parents wanted to avoid agencies for some reason and had plenty of time for the lawyer to find someone, somehow. Isn't that what they call 'private adoption' as opposed to agency adoption? Does it happen much? Any advice/stats is appreciated.

[searuss]

Hi, Yes you can internationally (i am not in US so dont know local regulations). In fact I am started my second child, a girl, from Guatemala. Quit expensive though!

[momily]

As the single mother of a boy, I can understand completely how you feel. From the very beginning I saw myself with a boy -- I always liked active kids the best, and as a special ed teacher most of my experience is with boys. I also knew that I would most likely be adopting an African American child, and the need for homes for AA boys is much greater than for girls. So, you can understand how upset I was when I found out that my social worker told someone (not me) that she probably wouldn't place with me unless it was a girl. I confronted her on it and she ended up changing her mind, and I got the little boy of my dreams -- now I'm hoping for boy #2.

To be honest, my guess is that you are going to run into problems with people assuming (incorrectly of course) that a single dad would have problems with a girl. You're also going to have difficulty with the fact that girls are generally more in demand, especially internationally and that some programs have responded to that by not allowing first time parents to specify a girl. I'd be proactive about it, and make sure your homestudy supports your goal. For example, I'd talk about female role models you have for your child (I had my homestudy social worker, who wasn't my placement worker, rewrite my homestudy to include male role models), and make sure your social worker knows some of the reasons why you think you'd do best with a girl.

Ironically, I wonder if being a dad with a girl would be a little easier than my situation -- your daughter will probably have plenty of women in her life, teachers, the mothers of her friends etc . . .

Good luck!

[sak9645]

Single men have a lot more difficulty adopting than single women do, regardless of whether they wish to parent boys or girls. It is unfortunate, but true. So be prepared to do a lot of homework and to jump through a lot of hoops that we single Moms just don't encounter.

Once it is determined, however, that you can offer a safe and nurturing home for a child, and that you aren't a pedophile, you should be able to adopt a child of either gender. The only thing you should know is that Americans prefer to adopt girls and that, for this reason, there are far more boys available for adoption than girls, especially internationally. Girls simply get "snapped up" faster.

Many state governments will work with single men who want to adopt from the foster care system. Adoption from foster care is about the least costly way to go, but the likelihood of getting a healthy infant or toddler is low. This option works best if you want an older child or one with special needs.

Domestic private adoption is favored by some men, who find that they don't like the way they are treated by some agencies. In private adoption, you find a situation on your own, then use a social worker for the homestudy and a lawyer for advice as to what is legal and for the finalization. A surprising number of men, including gay men, have found birthmothers on their own, through networking. Not all birthmothers insist on a "typical" two parent family. But private adoption has its risks, including the risks of scams and fall-throughs, and it is not for everyone.

Domestic agency adoption is not an easy option for men, especially if they want a newborn. The main reason is that there are far more families wanting babies than there are babies available through the agencies. As a result, some agencies try to avoid having long wait times by imposing restrictions on who can apply. The fees also tend to be high. But you may be able to find an agency that will work with you.

International adoption is an option chosen by some men. Not all foreign countries will work with single men, but some will. A number of agencies working with these countries will accept men. The fees for international adoption vary by country, in part because of travel requirements.

I hope that you will pursue your dream of becoming a parent. While it is unfortunate that you will have to appear "more qualified" than the average person who wishes to adopt, and will have to undergo more than the usual amount of scrutiny, I hope that you will tolerate the inconvenience.

Sharon

[marista99]

Even as a single woman I have been told I should be open to either gender, because there are for whatever reason more boys than girls available for adoption. The impression that I get is that girls are more "in demand" and agencies prefer to adopt to married couples first, then singles--so if the couples also want girls, and the single women very often want girls, there's hardly anyone wanting to adopt boys.

I also think there's an unspoken worry many people have that a single man adopting a girl would somehow turn into a sexual relationship. Not saying it's true--just that this is the assumption.

I have spoken to two single men recently who were adopting and asked whether they preferred a certain gender. They both said they didn't really care but suspected they would end up with boys, because they are male.

None of this bias and discrimination seems right to me--single men and single women should both be able to adopt either gender, as should married couples, and it should not matter whether one is single or married. But, from what I hear and read, it does matter in a lot of situations.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by marista99

I also think there's an unspoken worry many people have that a single man adopting a girl would somehow turn into a sexual relationship. Not saying it's true--just that this is the assumption.

Part of the reason the bias is there is because sexual abuse by single fathers has happened. (I can try and get the stats on that) As a result, many agencies are very leary of placing girls with single men.

[volkswitt]

take heart i am a single (divorced) man in my very late 40's with 4 bios. i just got my licence to foster/adopt. i got a call yesterday to take a sibling group of 2 boys and a girl. i did take the placement and this looks like it is headed for reunification but if that does not happen i should be first in line to adopt. i realize your situation may be a little different but single men can adopt girls. don't be afraid to try!

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

Part of the reason the bias is there is because sexual abuse by single fathers has happened. (I can try and get the stats on that) As a result, many agencies are very leary of placing girls with single men.

Yeah but boys are also molested by men. Two boys i've recently inquired to adopt were both sexually abused, one by a bio father, the other by a stepfather.


Katherine

[sak9645]

Yes, men -- single and married -- can and do molest girls AND boys. But there are also plenty of women -- single and married -- who are truly toxic parents, perpetrating sexual, physical, and emotional abuse on both genders of kid.

The point that needs to be made is that each prospective parent needs to be judged as an individual. I think that ALL prospective parents need to be checked out VERY carefully, for the sake of the children who may be placed with them. I am all in favor of very thorough homestudies. But I don't think that just because a person is single and/or male makes him/her innately more risky.

Personally, I also feel that the same can be said of gay and lesbian people. Yes, there are pedophiles who are gay. But there are also pedophiles who are not gay. And there are gay and lesbian people who make good parents, just as there are heterosexual people who make good parents.

The American Academy of Pediatrics and the National Association of Social Workers have both issued statements indicating that a gay or lesbian person who meets the same standards as a straight person can do a fine job as an adoptive parent.

Agencies need to be guided by the rules of foreign countries and of their states, as well as by their founding principles. There are plenty of agencies that won't place children with single men, gay or straight. But there are agencies that would gladly place with single men if foreign countries were more open to it, and with gay and lesbian clients if it was allowed in certain states (Florida does not allow it) and foreign countries.

Sharon

[Dhewco]

I've done research through the state department's web site. A lot more countries are open to adoption by single males than it would appear by what agencies say...at least on paper, anyway. Practice can be different, I'm sure. Agencies often won't even try, it is that difficult for single men, even it countries where they're technically allowed to adopt.


David