[BethanyB]

Hello everyone, I'm a single professional who is in the process of adopting from the state fost/adopt program. I wanted to know if anyone here has experienced their family not being totally happy about their decision to adopt as a single person? I'm hoping to get some support and ideas on how to deal with the situation. My family is at the point where they are okay with it but seem to always have negative comments. It's really sad to me because I feel like an expecting mother who has no one to be happy with. I remember everyone being happy about my sister having her (biological) children. Yes, she was married but is now divorced. I was told I could have a quick placement because of my openess to race and sex, but I feel as though I can't even be truly happy because I don't have many people to be excited with. It makes me sad. And I have not even told everyone in my family yet. My mom and sister wonder why I would want to do this alone. I guess they don't see it as "normal" because I'm not married. I think they also worry that I will never get married because they think men do not want to be with woman who already have children. So how do I deal with their negative comments? Do I tell them that if they don't have anything nice to say that they shouldn't say anything at all? Should I tell them how upset I am? My mom really upset me tonight and I really don't know how to handle it. Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!
-BethanyB

[Shoshana]

Hi Bethany:

I'm sorry you're struggling with an unsupportive family. When I first told my mother I was adopting, she wanted to know what would happen if I died? I said, "Well, I guess I could be childless and rocking in my porch swing when I was 70 and angry at god for letting me live so long!" She eventually came around, once she had time to get past her fears.

It seems like there may be two issues in your family - one issue is adoption itself, and the other issue is the single parent one. Have you thought of finding any books to give to them? It's hard for some people to understand if they've never had any contact with adoption.

The only recommendations I have for you is to develop your non-familial support system so you have people who are happy about your 'expecting' status and to think about sharing with your mom how painful you're finding her responses. It may take a lot of work on your part to help her get to the place where she can be supportive. If it's possible for her to do so, then your work will pay off.

Best wishes to you & CONGRATULATIONS on your upcoming mommyhood!

[Peggy]

While my family was basically supportive, my brother was against it. He felt I should marry and have children biologically. I said since I was in my early 40's, it didn't look like the that would happen and I wanted a life with children. He eventually came around. But I also do not have daily contact with my family, more Holidays and vacation.

[BethanyB]

Shoshana and Peggy:

Thanks for the replies. I think a lot of the comments do come from fear that I won't be able to handle it or that it will be too hard. But I also think it has to do with what other people will think. I really think my mother thinks that "normal" single people do not do this. She probably thinks that I'm the only one out there that is doing it! LOL! Of course her co-workers are like, "Oh Gosh!" - Like in the "What is she doing?" way. The funniest thing is that I have always been the one in the family who spends all my time with the children on holidays. I have always had great relationships with the kids in my family. They love me! And I'm a first grade teacher. So my parents know how wonderful I am with kids and how much I have wanted them all these years. I honestly thought I would have three kids by now at age 30. And I know that I'm not "old" but I really don't want to wait any longer to meet a man and have children. I have always wanted to adopt when I got married so adoption would have been a part of my life anyway.

So I know that I'm doing the right thing for myself. I just wish my family could enjoy this time with me. So I guess I will try to let my mom know how her comments hurt me when she says them. Hopefully they will stop. Thanks for advice guys!

Have a happy Mothers' Day everyone!

[PinkRibbon]

I had a similar experience. I'm also adopting from the foster care system, by choice, as a single woman, a daughter from 6-12. Some of my family's reactions have been a bit hurtful, like a first response of, "I don't want to babysit for you." This is in such contrast to the reactions my cousin got when she was pregnant and had her baby. I don't want to sound petty and materialistic, but I am pretty sure I won't be getting a shower or gifts for my daughter when she arrives. What hurts is the thought and not the gifts. I really want her to be welcomed into the family and feel a part of us and I made that clear to everyone. She will already have had enough rejection/abandonment feelings.

[BethanyB]

Pink Ribbon,
I too have heard the "Don't expect me to babysit" line. As well as "Don't expect the money to be flowing your way if you decide to do this." However my family loves to babysit my biological nephews and buy them things. Pretty hurtful. I think that our families are not used to the idea of single woman choosing to do this. I just wish that my family would understand my desire to have a child in my life - just as my brother and sister have children in their lives. Just because I have not found anyone yet, does not mean that the desire goes away. I do think that my family will be okay when the child gets here. I'm sure yours will too. It's just too bad that we can't have anyone in our family to be excited with. A shower and gifts would be nice but not probable. I'm sure my sister (who thinks what I'm doing is a bad idea) has not even thought about a shower for me when I get a placement. It's funny how people quickly forget what you do for them. I spoil my nephews to death and planned a wonderful shower for my sister when she had my nephew. Hmmm? How quickly we forget!

[Peggy]

Once your child is in your home, often people soften up. My daughter and my mother's husband (of 3 years) have a very strong bond. To the point his bio family is a little jealous. I say it is because they were both new to the family at the same time. It is still very nice, as there was a lot of resistance to him marrying my mom.

[Dawn-NJ]

HI Bethany, oh wow, I am so sorry that this is going on with your family , but not surprised at all. I tell you the truth I would be in the exact where you at if Iwas single, my mom would react the same way as yours. As a matter of fact she is not that thrilled, although I am married. I hope I am not offending, I feel free to talk to you because I know you personally.
I understand your desire to adopt I always felt the same way growing up, I always wanted to adopt even if I was married and especially in my case because I always had IF problems. When I turned 30, I first realized that it can actually be something that I could do it on my own. I mentioned it to my mom, who was in schock. It would have been very similar to what is happening to you now.
Let me tell you even now, that I am married and have a dd, my mom is not too thrilled, that I am pursuing adoption, she thinks if I had one child I should just leave well enough alone. But that was her same actituded she got when she found out I wanted to do fertility treatment, instead of just waiting for nature to take its cause. YOu know anything out of the norm, they are going to dissaprove of.
Another reason why your family may not be too supportive is because since they were parents them selves they know how much work it is to raise children and they figure you are going to struggle and don't want to see you going throught that. At least that is what my mom tells me about why she rather I didn't pursue adoption now.
You seem very prepared and determined to me, and I am sure you will do great.
Too bad your family cannot be there to support you throught this exciting time. I am sure they will come around later and realized that they missed that they were wrong.

[JulieCL]

Hi and sorry that you're having trouble with your family's perceptions of single parent adoption. I've had similar issues as I'm sure most of us adopting single have. My approach was different depending on which family members I was dealing with.

With my Mom, I sat down and laid my plans out for her. She and I are very close, so it was really essential to me that she was supportive. I gave her plenty of opportunity to ask questions and invited her to ask whatever she wanted. She asked about finances, my plans for a will, child care, time commitment, which aspects of my life I would be letting go in order to raise a child, etc. I also let her know how important this was to me, and why I felt that it was important to stop waiting for Mr. Right to appear. Lots of her questions were very personal, but it sure helped me prepare for the home study! She is very supportive and is planning to travel with me.

With my brothers, I took them to breakfast and just told them and asked for their support. Once again I asked them if they had any questions or concerns they wanted to let me know about up front. I let both of my brothers and later their wives know that if they had questions or disagreements with my decision that this was THE time. My brothers and sisters-in-law have been very supportive and ask me how the process is going frequently. Their attitude has been, "Heh! This is your decision. We're just happy for you!"

With my grandmother, who is a bit prejudiced and gossipy, I just told her I was planning to adopt a daughter. Then later I let her know that I had applied to USCIS to adopt from China. After each step, I've given her time to be upset and to come around to the uneasy truce stage. I've not invited input from her, nor have I reacted emotionally to any of her barbs or sarchastic comments. I know what her opinion is, and I've chosen not to react. Nor will her attitude or opinion shift my decision. Receiving reports of some of the email and telephone gossip criss-crossing the country from my extended family has been pretty amusing, and I've just laughed it off.

[BethanyB]

Hey Julie,
Thanks for your response. I thin I am at the truce stage with most of my family members. My grandmother and my brother and sister-in-law are happy for me. The others however are okay with it but still make remarks and use an aggrivated tone of voice when speaking about it. I think that it helps to know that other single people are doing this and having some of the same reaction by family members. I got a lot of the same questions from my mom that you got from yours. How are you going to do this money wise? Who will have the child if you die? You'll be giving up your freedom and so on and so on. I'm trying to be strong and not let anyone scare me out of this. I know what I'm in for and I think I'm totally ready. They just make me so mad sometimes!

[Howdy]

Bethany,

Let me add my congratulations! on your upcoming motherhood.

My mother has been very supportive, but my brother has been UN-supportive. The most memorable of his comments was 'You will give it back, there have been many times I would have given my kids back if that was an option'. But perhaps it is too much to expect positive support from a parent with teenagers.

For me, the most hurtful source of lack of support is from my foster daughter herself. It would be nice if my own kid wanted me for a mother! Her therapist assures me that she really does, and when the caseworker asked her once what she would prefer if it turns out that she can't return to her parents, my f-d said she'd like to stay with me. But her tone of voice indicated she thought it was a pretty poor option! All the mother's day stuff that my f-d made was for her birthmother, though when I read her school paper describing why she loves her mother, it sure sounded like me. But she claims it is about her birthmother.

So it was a rather glum first Mother's Day for me. Luckily I have an adequate sense of humor and can laugh about it even while I'm complaining!

[JulieCL]

'You will give it back, there have been many times I would have given my kids back if that was an option'.

Holy Cow!!! His poor kids - teenagers or not! What a horrid thing to say to any child.

[waitinginnj]

I am so sorry to hear about people not being supported in their adoption plans. I adopted my daughter last October and received overwhelming support from family and friends.

I think that it is important to try to establish a network that can help each other.

I handle the big things fine - its trying to find time for a dentist appointment or a hair cut that are difficult for me right now with a two year old.

My sister is providing most of my daycare, so I don't like to infringe too much more. My parents help out, but I don't like to push them too far so that when I have a real emergency that they really will step up. And ultimately, I want to spend my time with my daughter

Life is different this way, but I know that I made the right decision. And, I am sure that you are too.

I am also in NJ. I have established a great network of NJ people on the Russia board. If there are other NJ single moms and almost moms that want to consider meeting and creating another support network, I would come.

Just a thought.

[PinkRibbon]

Originally posted by BethanyB
I too have heard the "Don't expect me to babysit" line. As well as "Don't expect the money to be flowing your way if you decide to do this."

Man, I had the money comment too. Maybe our families are related . For me I don't think it's as much about me being single, as me choosing to adopt an older child. I even think if I adopted an infant things might be different.
I don't think I'm hurt as much sad and frustrated for the older kids who are waiting to be adopted. I just want my (future) daughter to be loved and accepted and treated like everyone else in my family. That should be a given, shouldn't it?

[cmsavells]

My mom has been very supportive but worries about child care and finances. However, my sister spent the first two months telling me I was too old and set in my ways. I kept reminding her I was only 39 and she actually had guts enough to tell that was too old to be a first time mother. She has changed her thinking but I still don't think she is really happy about it. I think she feels her son (and only grandchild) will lose some of his stature with the family.