[eye_b_short]

I just started thinking seriously about adoption about a montyh ago. I'm trying to take it slow and do the research. This is a big decision and I don't want to jump into anything with my eyes closed.

I don't know if this is normal for prospective parents (adoptive or otherwise) but it seems my feelings change from day to day.

One day I'll convince myself that financially I'm just not able to do this, or maybe I'm not mom material, or I'm thinking of adoption for all the wrong reasons.

The next day I'll hear some story on the news about parents keeping their children locked up in a dog cage, or abandoning their infant in a public bathroom. I'll think to myself, "That's awful! I would never do that to my child. There's a child out there who needs me. I could give a good, safe home to someone who doesn't have one."

And then the next day I'm back to having doubts. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. Has anyone else gone through a similar passage? Is this normal? Or is this a sign that I shouldn't continue on with my thoughts of adoption?

[waitinginnj]

I thought about adoption for 6 years before I started the process this past January.

I think that it is totally normally. This is a life changing decision that impacts more than just you.

I shared my decision with my family on Christmas Eve to give them one last chance to respond. They were so supportive!

Now by this Christmas Eve we should have a new family member.

It is very exciting.

Take your time, do your research, attend some seminars and your decision will come to you!

Good Luck

[trunks888]

I agree with Julianna on this.

[Mikesdaddy]

I also agree with Julianna on this. Make sure that you DO realize what you are getting yourself in for, but certainly don't do it because you see rough stuff on TV.

I adopted my son as a single dad over 6 years ago. I faced your rollercoaster for 8 years because I didn't know how my family would react. Finally took the plunge and I love my decision.

Understand a few things from a seasoned traveler. Your present concerns will almost completely change once your child is with you. A week later, they will change again, then again... A year later, what you consider most important regarding your child won't even resemble what you are worried about right now.

Once you have reached that point, you are parenting and parenting is a great thing.

Ted

[Lauren57]

When I was in the process of deciding to adopt, almost 2 years ago, I did a lot of what others have suggested (went to agency orientations, seminars etc). I aso read a great book called "Adopting on your own" (or something very close to that) by Lee Varon. It was very helpful, including some "exercises" to help you think about your decision. Also--is there an adoptive group for single parents in your area? It there is that is a great way to get support and meet other single adoptive parents. I mulled it over in my mind for some time before I actually started the process. I am now waiting for my almost 10 month old son, who was referred to me in Feb. We have been caught up in a complicated process this year in Guatemala, but I am still hopeful that he will be home by Christmas. Best of luck with your decision! Lauren

[sak9645]

... You are considering a decision that will alter the entire course of your life. It is a decision that, in some ways, is tougher than the decision to marry, since it's relatively easy to divorce a spouse, but very, very difficult to divorce your child, if you find that you can't live with the decision.

Take your time and do the research. Talk out your feelings with a counselor, if you wish. (I went to see one and asked if I was losing my mind. Her response was that I had found mine. And, in fact, since adopting my daughter, I feel more balanced and centered than ever.)

Put your concerns out on the table and see if you can address them. As an example, you might ask yourself, "What if I become ill? How will I care for my child while I'm recovering?" or "What if I lose my job and don't find another one for six months? Do I have enough savings to see me through?" You might decide that you will postpone adopting till you have a certain amount of money in savings, or you might decide that you DO have the resources you need.

Meet with other people in your situation. There are many people like you who have adopted. You can meet them through your local adoption support group. Ask them how they cope?

Take a pre-adoption course. That may help you clarify your feelings and find out facts. Do some volunteer work with kids, such as helping out in a children's hospital, to see how you really feel when confronted with a child who is delayed, who is having "terrible twos", or who is vomiting and having diarrhea.

And expect to feel anxious even when you are on the plane going to the foreign country to complete an adoption, or when you are about to go to court to finalize your domestic adoption. When you finally have the child in your arms, your fears may well seem groundless.

Sharon

[kidfinder]

Of course you are having doubts; if you failed to have doubts then I would think that you are not taking the ramifications very seriously. I stumbled into adoption following training as a Court Appointed Special Advocate, then I trained as a foster parent and then I finally decided to revise my license for adoption. It took me two years before I made the switch to adoption and I am comfortable with the decision. I have made mistakes along the way, however, and I would encourage you to read, read, read. The Adoption Resource Book is a good place to start if you are considering a domestic adoption. This process is not well organized, coordinated or systematic--someting this scientist dislikes very much. But I have learned tons on parenting, behavior, and treatment programs for kids within the foster system and I am confident that I can manage. Good luck.

Thomas

[kerrironne]

YOur experience is normal for any parent . I went through all of the same thoughts you are when I was pregnant, ranging from Wow, what a miracle, I'm exstatic! to What am I doing? what ever made me think I knew anything about being a mother, this will toitallywreck my life, etc.

Well my daughter is now two, and much of the time I am exstatic, and much of the time I'm just plain tired. Yes it did have a big impact on my social life, but I find I don't really mind that so much. I love being a mom and now can't imagine why I didn't do it ten years ago. It is really imprtant to think through how your life will change and hang around people with small children so you get a sense of what its really like, but everyone has all of the doubts you're having, so don't let them dissuade you.

Because I'm now 44 and having another child is getting riskier, I'm in the process of adopting a second child and guess what? I have all the same doubts. It goes like this: I've turned out to be a pretty good mom, but what if I can't handle two? My life runs pretty smoothly and I do manage to have a social life, but what if having a second child totally wrecks my life? I think the doubts just make you take what you're doing seriously, and push you to really imagine what it will be like to have a child, and thats a healthy part of the process. Best Wishes!

[kerrironne]

Do think through the financial part carefully. Childcare is my single biggest monthly expense, and as a single working mom, without family in the area to babysit, I don't have other options. I really had to make some changes in my budget to accomodate this. Find out how much childcare costs in your area and/or talk to relatives about whether they might be willing to help out.

The other big expense I hadn't forseen is health insurance, when I had a child mine went from 129 a month to nearly 400, so check out your benefits. The good news is, adopting another child won't increase my health insurance.

Other expenses, food, clothes, etc are all manageable--people give you gifts, friends and family hand down clothes their children have grown out of, you can always find stuff on sale, etc.

I find that I don't mind the financial sacrifices because I'm so happy with my daughter, but I also did a lot of planning ahead so that we wouldn't have a major financial crisis.

Make sure you have all the info. you need--then you can figure out how you can manage it. Where there's a will, there's a way!

[Dorr185]

Hello,

I too am having doubts. I am single, 22 years old, and I have absolutely no family in the state that I live in. I am about 80% sure that I am ready.

I knew it was right for me, because when I think of happiness, I think about the first time my little boy will call me daddy, or take his first steps. Then I think about him growing up and helping him learn to ride a bike, and helping him with his math homework.

There is never going to be a point that I will have absolutely no doubts, but I am ready to take the leap anyways.

For anyone who is having doubts, I reccommend going the foster/adopt route. There is no financial expense upfront. There is also a vast amount of training that occurs. It is usually group discussion and they bring in other people who went through the process, and they have exercises that really get you to think about the process. Also, there is no investment until placement. It is not like private agencies where you invest thousands of dollars before you are even considered for placement.

So at the very least, I would at least start taking the mandatory training classes. It would probably help you make the decision and drastically cut down on the adoption time if you decide it is the right option for you.

[Hipi]

I think that any life changing decision requires time & involves roller coaster feelings. It's perfectly normal. I went up & down on that roller coaster for years, but when I hit 32 (last month) my biological clock went off. I just hit the snooze button... lol. I made up my mind then & there that adopting is the way I am going. It just feels right, & no amount of logical explanations can really express how absolute I feel this. Now I just moved back to my hometown a couple months ago. I have a lot I want to do... become more established at work, get involved in a church & in the art community, save up some money, etc. I figure I'll probably start the adoption process when I'm 35. That will give me three years to get myself really settled here again. I think it'll be groovy. Until then I will read up & prepare myself, maybe even get involved with people who have adopted. I already know one person here, so it's really going well already.