[Withay]

I was asked this question earlier today by a friend who desperately wants a child and I said I would try to find out. She was widowed in her 30's and never remarried.

Does anyone know of an agency that will work with a single, 55+ woman for adoption of a child 0 - 4?

[Withay]

Anyone have any ideas? I don't know what to tell her.

[Jenn33199]

Is she interested indomestic, international or adoption from foster care?

[vernellinnj]

Wanted to answer but I don't know of any agencies. Fostering to adopt may be a good option. Best of luck to her!

[MOM012]

Im a older(50) foster parent brought home baby girl from nicu at 8 days we should be going to adoption by the end of the year.

[Withay]

She told me she doesn't want to go through foster care, but would be interested in either domestic or international. I just don't know of agencies as I adopted my sons through foster care. She watched the whole thing for my sons and doesn't want to go through all the hassles with the state.

[Frosty_88]

Not to be a debbie downer or rude but is she even thinking about the child in all of this? I was raised by older parents(mid-late 40's when I was born)and it was not easy, for them or me.

A 55+yr old woman adopting an infant-4yrs old? So what if something happens to her? Especially as a single mom. What happens to the baby? High school graduation(if she gets a placement right away)she will be in her 70's, so this kid is going to have look after their aging parent instead of have a life?

If she wants to be a 'parent' why couldn't she be a foster parent to an older child? It sucks she wouldn't be able to experience the infant-toddler years but in all reality it is NOT fair to the adoptee to be adopted by someone of that age. Not at all. Not to mention I highly doubt expectant parents would be choosing an older single mom. Single moms looking to adopt already have a challenge in finding expectant parents to place with them, add on the age factor and it probably won't happen.

Sorry if this is b****y but it needed to be said, from an adoptee's point of view.

[ruth74]

I had friends who were looking at international adoption and said most countries will not accept parents over 50; it sounded like there were some that might. I'm not sure which, but there is a website I have heard about called Rainbow Kids (I think it's rainbowkids.com) that has information about requirements for different countries. That might be a good place to start in finding if international would even be a possibility.

[Jenn33199]

Rainbow kids is definitely a good place to start. Some countries will make some (limited) exceptions on age if the prospective parent is open to special needs or older children. Foster to adopt would be a good possibility for her if she would consider it.

But- Frosty_88 has a good point- your friend needs to realistically consider what she can handle alone and as she gets older- and of course- what the effect on the child will be.

[Withay]

Thank you everyone for the replies. I will let her know. I know that she has thought long and hard about all of this, and is aware of the age thing regarding adopting a child so young.

Frosty_88 - thank you for the adoptees point of view. I will pass that information along to her as well. It is a very valid point, one I've tried to talk with her about, but coming from an adoptee may just make the difference in how she looks at it.

[DDAmasa]

I really think foster care is the best option for your friend. There are uncertainties and trials, but there are with most ways of becoming a parent. It's all about how badly you want it.

I really don't agree with the age thing. Few of us get the perfect Leave it to Beaver childhoods. Compared to the suffering, abuse, neglect and hunger many children suffer, if the worst thing you can say about your childhood is your parent(s) was older than most, you have it pretty darn good. The older parents by choice I know are very motivated to be involved, selfless parents. More so than many young parents IMO.

As far as taking care of an older parent, it's not easy at any age. I found it easier to care for my father when I was 30 and he was sick and almost 70, than I do now at 50 with a mom who is 75. I had more time to care for an elderly parent when I was young than I do now. Believe me, it does not get easier to care for elderly parents as you get older. Caring for sick family members is never easy and never convenient. But it's part of having a family. It's not a burden.

[Ians mom]

Im sorry I cant help with an agency, but I wanted to chime in that my mother is 50+ and is in the process of completing her 2nd and 3rd adoption. Little Princess is having her first birthday today and she came home straight from the NICU. Little Prince is 3 and Big Sister is 11. Foster care is a roller coaster for sure but there are so many little ones that need a forever home, it is definately worth your friend's time to research.

[diva341]

FWIW, I read Diane Keaton's memoir earlier this year and she adopted her two kids as a single mom when she was 50 and 55.

We ourselves are on the old side -- my husband is older than your friend -- and I thought we'd have trouble being chosen by expecting parents, but we got chosen several times (one ended in miscarriage, two didn't work out for a number of reasons, and one resulted in our son). Our agency was really encouraging about the age issue, and it ended up seeming like it was a bigger deal for me than for others. Unfortunately our agency folded so I can't recommend it to your friend.

[Leeah]

I can understand Frosy's point but I'm a little conflicted about this. Of course, the best interest of the child has to be put first!

I haven't posted on this thread because I really don't have any advice or recommendations as to an agency to use. I know many agencies do have a rule of a parent (or the youngest parent if it's a couple) not being more than 45 years older than the child they adopt. It seems to me that that's pretty standard.

I definitely don't buy the argument that a child will be embarrassed by older parents at their high school graduation. I can't even imagine that. Especially now that so many people are becoming parents (bio or adoptive) in their 40's. A child with parents who are over 40 when they are born will hardly be the only child at graduation with parents over 60.

The argument about being burdened with taking care of elderly parents is much stronger. I think there are 2 sides to that one, though.

My Grandmother passed away about a year and a half ago at the age of 101. She was fairly independent until she was in her mid to late 90's and then was cared for by my Mom. Mentally, she was sharp as a tac until the very end. My Aunt took 50% of the responsibility of taking care of my Grandmother and other family members helped but it was still very hard on my Mom.

I can absolutely understand the difficulty of taking care of an aging parent because I saw it first hand. It's stressful and time consuming, no question. But I do know that it would have been a lot easier on my mom if she had been younger. Caring for an elderly parent is harder the older you are yourself.

At 55+ I would thing that adopting an older child from foster care would be the ideal but that doesn't mean she couldn't be a great mom to a child from infancy!

[OakShannon]

Originally Posted by Leeah

The argument about being burdened with taking care of elderly parents is much stronger. I think there are 2 sides to that one, though.

My Grandmother passed away about a year and a half ago at the age of 101. She was fairly independent until she was in her mid to late 90's and then was cared for by my Mom. Mentally, she was sharp as a tac until the very end. My Aunt took 50% of the responsibility of taking care of my Grandmother and other family members helped but it was still very hard on my Mom.

But your grandma was unusual. My FIL did great and lived independently until he was in his late 80's. But he was unusual, too. The reality is that we are a lot more likely to have serious health issues once we get into our 70's and I think it's only fair to consider that. We can't count on being the exception to the rule. Caring for an elderly parent is hard no matter how old you are. My partner and I have been there with her dad. Maybe 30's is easier in some ways than 50's. But what about your early 20's when you're still starting out and needing a parent's support? If she's close to 60 when an infant is placed with her, that's a pretty likely scenario. My mom was 57 when my son was born. She's a healthy, energetic, involved grandparent who has a wonderful time with my son. But he's a really energetic, spirited kid and he wears her out, too. Full-time, he would be tough on her.

I'm not saying having older parents is always bad. My partner's parents were 44 and 46 when she was born and she had a great childhood. We were 37 and 46 when our son was born and we keep up with him just fine. But I do think you get to a point where it really isn't fair to the child.