[HappyHopefulMommy]

One month ago we were placed with a sib set of 3 through fost/adopt. They are boy - 6, girl - 5 and girl - 3. We also have a bio daugther who is 8. We are all adjusting pretty good, but have our moments (days). My boy is almost 7 and will do almost anything for attention. This morning he did not want to go to school (every day he tells me he is not going to school). While I am putting his shoes on he kicks me, hits me and constantly calls me stupid. Like I said, it has been one month and we are pretty strict about name calling and hitting, kicking in our house. And he has been really good about it - we were pretty lenient the first few weeks, but made it known it is not ok and apologies had to be made. So, after school today I had him write, "I will not hit or kick my mom or call her stupid" 15 times. His option was to do that or spend the evening in his room (only coming out for dinner, bathroom, bath and story time - which was really only 2 hours by this point) He chose to write the snetences, but he was not writing his sentences in the kitchen at the table so I sent him to his room to do it. He was still being extremely slow about it (and he is perfectly capable to do this - easy in 30 minutes if he wanted to). So, he ended up in his room all evening and still has only completed 10 sentences. I know it has "only" been a month, but he does know the rules and I gave him lots of chances. But, from those of you that have been through this - am I expecting too much of his age after being placed for a month? He and his sisters have had a tough life and they are great kids. I just don't know if I am being too hard on him.

[lucyjoy]

He's looking for you to back down, don't. These kids have had so much turmoil in their lives and they need to know their care takers mean what they say. I would NOT give chances.

If school seems to be an issue, it might be good when he isn't angry to spend some time talking to him about his morning troubles. I find this works well in a rocking chair. I don't mean lecture-just discuss your observations and explore any fears about school.

My son had trouble going to school and finally blurted out that he was afraid that he would come home and I would no longer exist, the house would be gone and he'd be alone. Crazy? Not for kids who had lags in development and missed crucial stages-object permanence in my sons case.

As for the taking forever, I had two kids with incredible staying power. Planning ahead for issues that are repetitive helps prevent control battles.

Congratulations on your new placement.

[JeannineW]

I think Lucy had some good suggestions. I would reconsider the consequences though. You need to avoid issolating a child who is working on attachment. That is easier said than done. My dd would melt down for long periods of time. I finally found that I NEEDED to put her in a separate room for fear that I would lose it from her continuous screaming and do something worse than having her separated from us. I did check on her frequently and encourage her to join us as soon as she had herself together.

Could the consequence be privilege related? Maybe if the kids watch TV while you prepare dinner. Have him miss the show and help you cook or at least be in the room with you while they watch. Maybe he could help you fold laundry to make up for being mean to you. You need to make it very clear to him why he is being punished. Having the consequence so far from the act is very hard for kids to connect.

These options seem a little like rewards but they are better for bonding. I think I would avoid the writing for two reasons. 1) It can drag on and on. I think a consequence with a set time is better for everyone. It's never good to get into a power struggle. Everyone loses. 2) We homeschool and I just read the other day that making writing a punishment can set a kid up to hate writing.

I just had a different thought. Maybe reward him for getting ready and leaving well. Have a treat in hand to add to his lunch IF he leaves well. Yes, you could consider this bribery but desperate times call for desperate measures. You could also reward with special time (ex. playing a game or reading a book) after school but this wouldn't be as immediate as the treat.

Hang in there. It will get better. When our dd came home (2 1/2 yo), she would melt down all the time. "Let's go upstairs and have a snack." 30 minute melt down. Huh?? My 2 dds would fight over who got to flush the toilet or throw away a piece of trash. Something neither one would do if it hadn't been a competition. ::: sigh ::: Now (4 years later) we just have normal sibling squabbles and no one flushes the toilet!

[HappyHopefulMommy]

Thanks guys - it is such a struggle some days. We do remward for going to school good, I do and his teacher does. We actually reward alot and that helps - sometimes. We do privilege related "consequences" most of the time. And a lot of the time I ignore stuff that does not really matter. But we never ignore name calling, hitting and/or kicking. J loves to help and would love if I let him help me in the kitchen. But, the other kids would all be jeaous of that and they all want to help. I know it is good for attachment, but we have a tiny kitchen."J" wants the attention so he will do anything for it. If he is screaming and crying he is sent to his room, because no one else should have to listen that that for an hour. I can see how writing could lead to not liking to write - it was just a spur of the moment consequence. I am constantly coming up with those pretty quickly. And - ya we get the meltdowns over being asked to wash hands and coming to dinner, I know it will get better.

[kretzklan]

When I give consequences like writing a letter or something (and I usually do letters instead of sentences...forces them to explain their actions and offer an apology on paper), I also give a deadline. You must write a 5 sentence letter in the next 30 minutes. They are placed where I can see them - but they are NOT in the room with me...just in a shared space that I can easily get to. If they don't meet the time deadline, then the second consequence comes into play. It's not always the same - I mix it up. Sometimes it is chores, sometimes it is the loss of a privilege, sometimes it is going to bed early. But, after that 30 minutes, the letter option is gone.
I don't think you are being too hard on him...my grandma told me once "you can always give a child more leeway, but you can NEVER get back what you've already given". I live by that!

[MoonlightLoveAngel]

Originally Posted by JeannineW

Could the consequence be privilege related? Maybe if the kids watch TV while you prepare dinner. Have him miss the show and help you cook or at least be in the room with you while they watch. Maybe he could help you fold laundry to make up for being mean to you. You need to make it very clear to him why he is being punished.

Not a parent here, but I would say to be careful using common household duties as punishments. My mother used dishes, laundry, vacuuming, making dinner, etc. as punishments for me. Then when she would ask for my help in a non-punishment setting or try to teach me things, I always felt that I had done something wrong and would stress out wondering what it was and why she wasn't telling me. My stepmother did it even worse the one year in high school that I lived with her/Dad. To this day, when someone asks me to help with a household duty (as opposed to when I see that it needs to be done and do it on my own), I still get that nagging feeling in my head that I've done something wrong, even when I know, rationally, that I haven't. I have several friends over the years that were given chores-as-punishment only, and these are the people whose houses are apalling to be in. (I make up for it some in a neat streak inherited from my grandmother. She has endless boxes of useless stuff, but they're neatly arranged. :P )

Extra chores as punishment? Sure. Also, it might depend on the amount they were expected to do around the house before they arrived with you. If it was little or none, get them used to household duties as something you need to do to take care of yourself rather than just punishment. (Not saying the OP or any other repliers don't.)

Again, this is my perspective as someone who experienced it, not someone who is/was in a position to enforce it. Little things do affect you well into adulthood.

[marythemom]

It really helps mine when I change things up as you mentioned that you do. Sometimes I struggle for ideas for consequences - we try to do natural or at least logical consequences whenever possible.

Mine are a little older than yours, but we use a technique called the FAIR Club. It's something I came up with based on other parents' suggestions on dealing with special needs children, particularly those with attachment issues like mine (although in the first year they all have attachment issues of course!). It's worked pretty well for us. I wrote a series of articles about this technique and the last series has a lot of the consequences we've given for different behaviors.

Here's a link to the first article in the series if you're interested. The format didn't lend itself to this type of information very easily, but I tried. Hope it helps!

How to discipline your difficult child A(without spanking) | eHow.com

Main thing is to remember that especially in these first months these guys are very scared. They've been through some major life changes and need assurance that this is their forever family. They need consistent rules, but also a lot of understanding. The balance is the hard part! I usually find that when they're in the middle of a meltdown they are not able to access the thinking part of their brain, so I reassure them and help them calm down first. Then a little while later, when everyone is calm, I explain to them the consequences of their action (this gives me time to think of something appropriate too!).

Sounds like you are a great Mom!

[HappyHopefulMommy]

Thanks guys. I like the letter instead of sentences. In the end it took him 2 days to write the sentences. Sometimes it is really hard because we have a bio daugther who, at times we discipline very different than the fost/adopt kids (just because we are working on attaching with these kids). It is so hard to find the balance in everything and to find some sort of fairness in it all. "J" is doing pretty good, but it is so hard to find that balance between attaching and disciplining. I have never had to follow through so much with consequences in 8 years with our bio daugther - these kids push us to the limit. It is so good to have support here - thanks.

[marythemom]

You might check out the special needs forum too. They are extremely prolific in writing and answering and the experience level there is amazing.

I definitely understand your issues with biochildren! We chose to adopt children who were older than our bio kids - chronologically. Emotionally they are significantly younger of course. It's hard to explain to my (then) 7 and 10 year old children why their 11 and 13 year old brother and sister are acting like they are 2 and/or 4 years old (on a good day) - and I'm letting them. Especially since their siblings look so mature.

[GoddessDanu]

From what I've been reading he's testing you. Trying to push you away to see if you'll give him away. Apparently this is very common. Hang in there! It'll get better.