[JeannineW]

So, you haven't met the kids, yet? I guess I figured with older kids they would have you meet them before going thru all the paper work and other hoops. Did they give them your books? It seems like that would give it away to the kids. Why else would they get pictures of some strange family they have never met? Do you have children?

We have four at home and one in college. The ones at home are so excited. I hear many times a day "when are the kids coming?" I've tried to let them know that it may never happen but they seem to miss that part.

The kid's sw is going to send me a questionaire to answer about our kids to see how they would mesh. I'm not sure if you can tell that on paper but we'll see. I can't wait to learn more about these kids. I still don't know anything more than what was listed on the website.

When did you have full disclosure?

The kids we are hoping for are girls - 16, 8, and 4 and a boy almost 3. We have girls 20, 8, 6, and almost 2 and a boy 4. I think the ages all work pretty well. I hope the two 8 yo girls aren't a problem but ours is very excited to have another 8 yo girl in the family and ours keeps her oldest status, if only by 5 months. Our little boy gets the little brother he has been wanting.

We are very excited. I hope it works.

[Twistwood]

No we have no other children but have wanted them for years! We received full disclosure after the staffing meeting was held (June 30) we got 26 pages of background information and 6 pages of placement history. The worker tells me about each visit she makes with the kids and there cute stories. They don't want the kids to get excited about going and then get held up with the ICPC so they don't want to tell them until that is in place. I spoke with her yesterday and she told me they had a visit together and that the 9 year old has been talking about "adoption" and says that her foster mother told her but she denies telling her anything. I just want to talk to them to reassure them it will be okay. One excellent part of this process for me is that the worker in SC is so good to talk to me and give me little things about them that I need to know as well as full disclosure. The fingerprints were not back yesterday. Maybe monday and then we can get the ICPC going! UGH the waiting...

[marythemom]

We submitted our homestudy in July. We were their second choice, but the other family backed out (probably after seeing the de-identified records). We almost backed out, but hubby convinced me to talk to the foster parents - who told me how much the kids had improved. We met the kids on Labor Day weekend for several days and decided it was a good match. We could have gotten reimbursed for travel expenses, but didn't bother to keep all the receipts. We gave the kids each a small photo album with pictures of us and our pets, and some small gifts.

We were allowed to tell the kids we WANTED to adopt them (may not have really been supposed to do that either - shhh!), but not that we were going to (not until the ICPC stuff was final). We were also allowed to call them weekly. We had decided not to do another visit (Texas to Nebraska was a LONG trip), but ICPC took so long they were just about to arrange a visit anyway. 1 week later they called us and said they were ours. We picked them up that weekend -November 4th (Nebraska paid for all of our tickets).

After that we learned alot about older child adoption and attachment issues. A year and a half later we adopted them! (Long story!)

[JeannineW]

Mary, Thanks for sharing your story. I'd love to hear more if you are willing.

Twistwood, I'm sure you must be very excited. I'm glad you have a great worker in SC.

[marythemom]

LOL! It's hard to get me to shut up about my kids!!

We did pretty much everything wrong.
Adopted out of birth order,
only met the children once before they were placed in our home,
believed that love could conquer anything (we knew nothing about attachment disorders),
had multiple family members visit and even stay with us during the first 6 months,
let our new 13 year old son share a room with our 7 year old because he'd never slept in his own room - we found out a year later the 13 year old had been sexually abused by male teens as well as adults throughout his childhood,
allowed contact with birth family (D's birth father and both's extended family) without talking to them first and setting ground rules - they told my kids that biomom was living with yet another abusive male - she still has custody of their 2 younger sisters and is pregnant - talk about upsetting!,
did not start both children with an attachment therapist immediately, and let therapy go on for too long with a therapist who wasn't getting through to them,
expected our new children to actually be their chronological age - with all the accompanying responsibilities and privileges - only to discover that emotionally they were only about 2-4 yrs old instead of 11 and 13,
tried to go back to work full-time after only 4 weeks maternity leave thinking the kids wouldn't need more because they were school age (son got suspended on his third day of school for threatening to throw a child out of a second story window and cussing out and threatening the teacher and principal),
didn't push for more help for our son - allowing the other children to become terrified and have PTSD symptoms...

There's more, but the biggest reason there were so many delays in the adoption was because our son was out of control (at 5'9" and 200+lbs this was scary!). We finally got him in a residential treatment center (RTC) that specializes in neurological issues. They got him better diagnoses (ADD, PTSD, bipolar, RAD, cerebral dysrhythmia...) and on meds that are really helping him. One thing I wish I'd done was complain sooner about his therapist there. He spent 6 months there and made NO progress in therapy. It was worth it for the correct meds (and him not being home while they experimented), but I wonder how much more progress he could have made.

We also had to fight for certain things on the adoption subsidy that delayed finalization. The biggest thing was that TX does not provide much in the way of RTC coverage, and we do not qualify for TX post adoption services. Luckily we were able to get RTC coverage written into our adoption subsidies so if/when our kids ever need it they will have it.

Most of the other delays were bureacratic. Texas required TPR termed in certain ways and court orders. Nebraska was different.

We did insist on delaying our son's adoption until he'd been out of RTC for 6 months so we could be sure that his progress wasn't just a honeymoon period.

So that's part of our story as to why it took 1 1/2 years to finalize our children's adoptions. Sorry it's so long, but you did ask! *grin*

[JeannineW]

Thanks for the info. I was wondering what happens if part of a sibling group isn't working. Can you adopt some and disrupt one or two? I'd hate to do this but I always like to know what happens in worst case scenarios. Once I know that, I can relax and deal with what really happens which is never as bad. It would seem sad to disrupt the whole group if most are fitting in nicely with your family.

[Twistwood]

Yes we are so excited. Our two oldest have been diagnosed with ADHD they have not shown any signs of RAD or attachment problems. They have been separated in foster care for a couple of years but have regular visits. They do miss each other and have voiced their desires to be together. Both my husband and I work in mental health and are prepared for whatever may pass our way. Of course we hope for the best but we may have some rocky roads ahead for us. Most will be the complex educational needs of the two middle children. Speech and inattention issues but nothing serious.

[marythemom]

We did deal with this. Our children had been separated the entire time they were in foster care. When our son was in the birth home he was abusive and had punched his, then 4 year old, sister in the face (he was a big kid even then). She also witnessed at least one of his suicide attempts.

She appeared to worship him and looked forward to their sibling visits, but over the last year and a half we've realized that this was probably more due to fear. She always tried to anticipate his wants. Everytime either of them raged or had a meltdown (which was often the first 6 months) they triggered each other (think PTSD). We worried alot that they had a trauma bond, and that neither would be able to heal while the other was around.

Our son going to an RTC was the best thing that could have happened to our daughter. Right before he left, he got injured when my husband had to restrain him after our son tried to cut himself with razors (again) and then attacked my husband. The state removed both children during the investigation. They were only gone a week, but we discovered a few months after our son went to the RTC, that our daughter was convinced that if (to her it was when) he had to leave our home that she would have to go too.

Once we convinced her that if he left she would not have to, she finally felt secure enough to really start bonding with us. Without the chaos of an out of control brother, our lives began to meld. We very seriously considered never allowing him to come back. If he hadn't made such a dramatic turnaround we wouldn't have. We could not continue to allow our other children to be exposed to that kind of trauma.

You do have to know that it is up to the caseworkers to allow children to be adopted separately. Our caseworkers decided it would be OK, but they don't have to. Some decide that keeping the kids together is more important then having them adopted. Sounds stupid, but there ya go!

[Binny]

Are we up to your 2 week count down now? It is so exciting.

[Twistwood]

We won't be going to get the kids until mid september. The fingerprint cards we sent them they stated were not the "right" cards. They had to resend the cards to me. My husband had surgery on Sunday so we can't get the prints done til he is out of the hospital UGH we are so ready to get the kids but delays delays...I know we have went through this process faster than many but it is so frustrating. We matched on June 30th, I was ready that day to come get them!

[Binny]

Oh I am sorry and I hope your hubby is better. I am finding waiting to be hard as well. Seems like it should be a bit more streamlined with all these kids just in limbo. Hoping you get to bring them home soon. Keep us posted.

[Twistwood]

Well I spoke to the worker in SC and our worker this morning. The worker in SC stated that she would probably have the ICPC done by the 12th and then she would start the introduction with the kids. Oh the waiting is so hard! At least the contract between the agencies is worked out and I think we won't have a problem with the subsidy agreement. I know these can be some of the hardest things to work out. My hubby is still in the hospital (poor thing) He hasn't started eating yet and has had the hicups since the surgery. I hope he is better this evening when I get off work. Looks like he won't be coming home until Friday sometime. Sigh...

[JeannineW]

Twistwood, How is it going any update?

I'm so frustrated. We were "tentatively" selected (my words) on August 12th. I was told then that I would get a questionaire that week. Never got it. I have e-mailed on 8/14, 8/21, 8/28 and I called today (9/6) but I have heard nothing. I called my case worker on 8/14 and found out they were faxing information and stuff. I've heard nothing since. AAAHHH!!!

This Monday will be 4 weeks since we were "tentatively" selected for this sib group of 4! I don't know what to think. The silence is driving me crazy. I'm starting to think the 16 yo will be in college before I hear anything more!

Is waiting this long between contacts normal? Should I be concerned or is this just how long it takes? Is there anything I should do? I'm trying not to bug her but should I call/e-mail every day or so!

What would you guys suggest?

[Wheresmyboys]

Jeannine what state are you trying to adopt from? If it is Texas it is anyones guess. Each region handles things so different is what I am finding out. At least you are "tenativly" matched much more than most of us know LOL Ibet you will hear something soon
Connie

[JeannineW]

It's Texas. ::: sigh :::