[MomToThree]

My DH and I started looking into adopting a year ago, and were matched with a sibling group of 3 (girl-8, boy-5, and boy-4) in March. Since then, we did the visitation thing where each visit lasted longer and longer. They were placed in our home July 2 as a foster to adopt placement.

Since then, the changes have been too numerous to mention.

The youngest one was very attached to his foster mom, and has begun to act out at least 5 times a day. He is constantly saying he hates us, and wants to leave. This wouldn't be so bad, except he hits, kicks, and bites us. He admitted to his sister that he thought we would send him back if he was bad. He learned that this worked when he started doing this everyday in preschool and the foster mom would come and take him home. He has started peeing all over the house... in the floor, in the shower(put toilet paper in it first), on the towels and he hangs them back on the towel rack. He has gotten angry in the car, and opened the door by kicking it hard... it opened into the door of my other car. I now have a repair bill for $500. He is constantly starting fights with his brother. I put all three siblings in a Martial Arts daycamp this summer, and this kid keeps hitting and biting the counselors. I am paying for this, and am not being reimbursed by the county. I think that is why he hasn't been kicked out.

The middle child is materialistic. If you ask him why he likes/liked someone, he tells you it was because of something they had (PlayStation), or something they promised to get him in the future. He doesn't listen to anything I say. When I was helping him pick out clothes, I noticed that he had sat on something, and that he needed to change his underwear. Later when he was rolling around on the floor, I saw that he hadn't changed his underwear... he put a second pair over the first. He is always doing stuff like this. He leaves his pj's on when he puts on his clothes. He never talks... but he does scream a lot. He starts yelling about something before he asks for help. It is disconcerting. He has also started destroying stuff. He cut the strap of my purse, and has scratched the end table to the point where it cannot be fixed. When asked, he says he did it because he "wanted to". Don't get me wrong, I don't care about the things, it is just that he intentionally did it. One morning, I overheard him arguing with his brother over the baby monitor, and he started hitting his younger brother and was saying he would hit him again if the brother wouldn't say that he was still his friend. He hit him at least four times before I could reach them.

The oldest is a girl. She whines more than any one child I have ever met. She can go for hours at a time at the top of her lungs. She says she likes living with us, but instead of asking for what she wants, she screams at us and begins to whine (for hours) about whatever it was she wanted. I am trying to teach her that when she whines the answer is always "No", but if she asks it may be a "Yes". This is very nerve racking. In her foster home, her bed was in a hallway... her clothes were in a dresser in the kitchen (Foster Mom had a spare room but didn't give it to her). In my house she has a bedroom, but she keeps complaining that it is too small. We are building a new house, and she whined for days when she saw that my bedroom was bigger than hers, and that my bathroom has a separate shower and bath. She will have her own bathroom... but she wants mine. It is very disheartening to know that I am trying to give her the world, but she thinks I owe her the universe.

These kids were great during the visiting stage, but have become really demanding and ungrateful since they have moved in. My husband and I are trying to remember why we liked these kids in the first place.

I know that we can give these kids the stability and love that they need, but are unsure if we can do that and remain sane. We have been married 14 years, and have argued more in the last month than in all of those years. We are short with everyone because each day is battle.

School is about to start, and we feel that we need to decide in the next few days whether we should keep them or not. If we do, we are not sure if we will begin to resent them. If we send them back, we are not sure if we can live with ourselves. These kids have been through a lot, and I don't know which is worse.

Any advice is appreciated.

[Lorraine123]

They have only been with you a very short time. You can't expect them to move into your house and think of it as their home. They have never lived like that before and they don't know how. The behaviors you are describing don't seem too out of line for children their age with their backgrounds.

They clearly need therapy. Are you seeing a therapist? You need a therapist who specializes in children from foster care. Their needs are very different from any other children.

Do not expect them to be grateful. Their lives have been turned upsidedown. They will not be thankful for what you do, nor should they be.

You have to learn to not take it personally. They are not lashing at you personnally, but at the situation their lives have given them. And they have much to be angry about. Stay detached from them when they do something to push your buttons.

When the youngest acts out, put him in a safe place. He should have to do restitution for damaging your car. Chores at an age appropriate level are great. He needs to learn that there are consequences to his actions. He doesn't know that yet.

As for the materialism of the middle one - that is very common. These children have no self esteem. They can't see a person's worth based on who they are, they only see that a person has worth because of what they have. As he learns to love himself, the materialism will decrease. It will take a long, long time. He honestly thinks that things are the only thing of worth, not people. He thinks of himself that way, and I think its so sad.

Girls whine. Its an irritating fact. Just ignore it and don't give her what she wants when she whines. Its has worked for her in the past and she expects it to continue to work. She can't be expected to change behavior that works quickly. It will take time.

Didn't you take classes to learn about issues of older adopted children? Children from foster care have not had the life that we have, they have not had the experiences that we have, and therefore they do not react the way we do. Did you not learn about the honeymoon period. The behaviors you see when visiting are never representative of what they will be once the children come home.

Realize that love and stability will not heal these children. They need therapy.

Good luck to you. Its tough, but worth it. Keep posting questions and we will try to help you through it. There are many people here who have been right where you are today.

[tybeemarie]

Mom to Three,

((((HUGS!!!)))) I am also a mom to a sibling group of 3, ages 6, 8, and 10. They were placed with us in November 2004. We had a brief honeymoon of about 2 and a half weeks, which was very nice, then all hell broke loose. I know that will get starred, but there is no other word for it. I can completely relate to what you are feeling. It is natural that the children, who were so traumatized, should act in this way, and it is equally natural that it should drive you stark, raving mad. That is their studied intention, after all: to drive you crazy.

The behaviors you describe are consistent with attachment disorder. I am not diagnosing your child, of course, but it is sure what it sounds like. The good news is that with therapeutic parenting and an attachment therapist, a child can heal from attachment disorders one hundred percent.

If you haven't heard of attachment disorder, I'm not surprised, because at our Foster PRIDE training, those words were not uttered at all, except by me. You owe it to yourself to get on Nancy Thomas's website, http://www.attachment.org, and purchase her book When Love is Not Enough. There are very specific parenting techniques in the book to address the behavior problems you're experiencing with them. Now, what NT says is that stopping "the Chinese water tortures" is like patching up a leak in the roof. It stops the water pouring in, but the real problem is the foundation, and until that is fixed, you will have a different leak or some other problem. The foundation gets fixed with therapy.

With the youngest one and his tantrums, you have to take a low key approach. I realize how difficult it is to do, but you have to stay calm. It is easier to do this if you tantrum proof your home by removing anything that is irreplaceable or of emotional value to you. Also, he MUST do restitution in the form of repair, and also in terms of hassle time. If your schedule is disrupted because of a screamer, he has to do restitution in the form of say, dusting, sweeping, mopping. He can rub lotion into your feet. He can clean all the baseboards in the house.

Same thing with your middle child in terms of property damage. As to hitting other children, Deborah Hage in her book Therapeutic Parenting: It's a Matter of Attitude! which is available on her website. Anyway, what she suggests is that when one child victimizes another child in the home, then the victim decides what would be adequate restitution. Examples: handing over dessert to the victim, doing their chores for a set period of time, handing over a toy. The victim is counseled that exacting too harsh a punishment will likely inspire revenge.

For the screaming, Foster Cline suggests in his fantastic book, Parenting with Love and Logic, "I'll be happy to talk to you when your voice is as calm as mine," and walk away.

For your daughter, I'd follow NT's advice and tell her that whining is a sign in babies, and in older kids, that you need a nap. Because you are such an awesome mom, you will help her with that! She is to hop off to her room for a 15 minute nap. The 15 minutes starts when there is silence. If she whines or screams or what have you, you start the 15 minutes all over.

As to the materialism, that will take time. Our culture is very materialistic. One thing that helps in our home: no television, ever. I also have no video games, no computer time, no rap or hip hop (due to the violent and sexist and overall degrading message of the majority of this music). I also have a rule: if you beg for something, you will not get it.

If your daughter feels she is entitled to a room and a bathroom as large as yours, it is because she does not understand your status as mother, how exalted it is, how worthy of respect and honor. Deborah Hage has a book for kids that gets that message across. Our kids go to Catholic school and we regularly attend Mass. It's nice that our community underscores and emphasizes our values: thou shalt honor thy father and mother. When my kids lose sight of this, we have a rundown we do:

Who is the boss?
You are the boss.
Who am I?
Mommy.
Who are you?
Son/daughter.
Who is that? (pointing to brother/sister)
Son/daughter.
Therefore, who is the person in charge here?
You are.
Good thinking!

My oldest daughter was parentified and had to be reminded of these fundamental truths, and still does from time to time.

When children come from such deprivation, it is natural to want to give them the world, but don't do it. They can't handle it.

What helps: structured routines. Check out http://www.flylady.net It's free, and it gets you organized and your house clean and it just feels good. Very uplifting. I've been getting my children on her program, too, and it really helps to have a set morning routine, afternoon routine, evening routine.

I also use savingdinner which for $30 a year, has a nutritionist who will send you 6 dinner menus a week, complete with recipes, nutritional information, and a shopping list. That's one less thing to stress over, and I believe nutrition has an important role in healing these kids. Sugar is asking for trouble. I have never been so bold as to attempt caffeine, I can only imagine the aftermath--shudder! I make one meal, and that's it. Eat it or go hungry. My kids are great eaters, though, so that hasn't been such an issue.

We have prayer at regular times through the day, and when the children feel they'd like to pray to calm themselves.

I also love sports. An exhausted child is one who gets intoless trouble, I've found. I also love sports myself, as does my DH, so sports is part of being in our family.

I get tremendous support and fantastic parenting insights from the Attachment Disorder Network, http://www.radzebra.org.

You need to take good care of yourself, as hard as that is. Thank God school is coming, because it will give you some time off. Use that time to exercise, nap, have lunch with friends, something for YOU. If you're running around doing all the housework, stop. The children MUST have chores, and they should do them up to standard. It can be done if you chose age appropriate chores. But don't underestimate them! My 6 year old can vacuum up a storm, including using the attachments.

Also, everyone in the house needs to get more sleep than the average person. This is very stressful stuff. My kids go to bed at 8:30, but I would like to push it back to 8:00. They get up at 7:30.

And, post, post, post! We know how hard this is. It does get better. When I look back on the early days, I am amazed we all got through the multiple screaming rages a day, the running around like orangutans, the jumping out from hiding places and screaming bloody murder--ick! It is still hard, but now that we're almost 9 months into it, I can say we have made definite progress. Healing is possible!

Peace!

[tybeemarie]

With a post that long, you'd think I wouldn't forget anything!

One very common symptom of attachment disordered kids is triangulating adults and trying to break up marriages. Don't let this happen! Your husband's main job as the father of attachment disordered children is to support you. When he comes in, he hugs YOU first, then the kids. If the kids have been nasty to you all day (are you a SAHM?), then when he gets home, they get sent to their rooms, and Dad pampers you. He hugs you, listens to your day, rubs your back, etc.

Also, you need time together as a couple, alone. This is not easy to pull off, I know, because the kids will hate it and finding a babysitter can be difficult and expensive. Do it anyway. The most important relationship in your home is the one between your husband and yourself. Every week--okay, sometimes we don't get ours, but at LEAST twice a month--you have date night. Get a sitter, and out you go! I initially wanted only adult babysitters, but found that the kids do as well, if not better, with teenage babysitters that go to our school. They don't want a reputation as psycho's at school, LOL! Also, my policy is this: you misbehave for a babysitter, you will reimburse us for the babysitter's fees. That is quite expensive for them, as they each only get $5 a week in allowance. I wasn't wild about allowance, but it's a state requirement, so we did it, and now I love it because now I have something to take away!

I truly wish you luck! PM me any time or post here. We're pulling for you!

[Linny]

At the risk of possibly making some people upset, I'm going to tell you our own side of the attachment disordered story; and the side of trying to parent older children in adoption.
We have adopted seven times. All of our children were adopted----at our choice....not due to infertility. Of the seven, three have been 'older child adoptions' and were adopted through the foster care system. One was six when placed; another was six when placed; and the other had just turned three years old.

It has been almost ten years since we first met the 'first' older child. He is severely RAD (reactive attachment disordered)...and he lived in our home for almost four years before going into a residential facility---at the recommendation of his attachment therapist and other professionals....and us.
He has shown no improvement at all. He will be institutionalized for the rest of his life. He had attachment therapy; he had a few sessions of EMDR (which had to be ended due to so many psychiatric admissions during the summer he started)...and we did everything possible in regards to attachment therapy, holding therapy, etc.

The next child, had been with us over seven years. We thought that this child would really succeed. He showed all of the signs of attaching, of being part of the family. Life was going very, very well for him. This past spring.....it all fell apart...as did our family. Due to his dangerous behaviors---and stepping way over the line of safety....we will not allow him to come back home. We would be deliberately putting our other children in harm's way...and we will not do this.

The 'last' older child........has been in our home over seven years too. He continues with attachment issues---steals, lies incessantly, regresses in his talk and actions.........and manipulates as he can. We are not holding our breath in trying to guess whether he will grow through his teen years in our home....because after this spring, we will 'bet' on nothing in regards to these kids. Sad, but blatantly honest.

Let me say this........we would never, ever do this again. It is easy for some to say that these kids will heal........there is debate on this. I honestly believe that those who have had children who have healed from RAD or severe attachment issues.....are not the norm. God Bless them for the healing they have had; but from the other couples we have known for years and our own experiences totaling over 10yrs.....the 'healing' is not the norm.

Can these kids function over time? Yes. But is it as you might 'want' a 'normal child to function'......I have to question that.

There was a time when my dh and I were literally the 'poster family' for advocating older child adoption...and I know there are some that are very successful----but there are far more that are hard, hard, tough and hard...and the children don't get any better. Minimally, at best.

So, my advice to you is to remember that it is very possible that these children will not be much better than they already are. They are definately older children...and many of their ways are 'set'. Consider this carefully and seriously when deciding to go through with the full adoption of these children. It often is 'no piece of cake'. It is easy to talk to some couples who have had their children for less than one year. That is no slam to anyone who has posted ahead of me; because I do not know how long they have had their children. But, if you have not spoken to couples who have done this for years-----do so now. IMO, this would be very important, to say the least.

You wrote:

I know that we can give these kids the stability and love that they need, but are unsure if we can do that and remain sane. We have been married 14 years, and have argued more in the last month than in all of those years. We are short with everyone because each day is battle.

And, this is exactly what you should be asking yourself now. Is this worth it? Is this worth the fact that these children may not get any better---may stay the same?
If you can stay the course.....it will be a tough battle. Parenting older children with these issues is not like parenting infant adoptions. (Our other four have been infant adoptions.) The bonding is totally different. That's not to say that it's bad.....it's just totally different.

With the older son we have left; after over seven years, he will not allow us to get 'too close' to him. He will hug, he will say the right words; but the reality is that he continues to sabotage any good progress he can make. He does alright in school......he behaves in school. But, let there be a change of any sort in his life; ask him to do something (even slightly so) that he doesn't want to do at that minute...and he will 'get us back'.

My bottom line is: If you are having any reservations at all about continuing to try to parent with these children.......pull out of the situation now. Do not let any cw'er or otherwise guilt you into staying the course (we have had this happen to us in the past), if you don't feel you can do it, and indeed, have 'bitten off more than you can chew'. It is not easy to stay the course; but worse, if you find that you wish you had never gone on the journey in the first place.

I apologize if I have offended anyone here. That has not been my intention. But, I would not let anyone think that parenting these children can so often turn out well and good. Many times, this is not the case. Educate yourself. Pray and think it through seriously. It is a huge decision and not one to take lightly.

Looking back....we, ourselves, took it too lightly.

Sincerely,

Linny

[tybeemarie]

Linny,

I am not at all offended by your post. On the contrary, I am really sorry to hear about how your family has suffered. I think you are right to ask yourself, if this child didn't get better than this, would I still want him or her in my family? Some children do not heal. Nancy Thomas's success rate--and again, she is a GENIUS with these children--is 85%. There are variables in that she got the very worst off children, most of them had killed animals or human beings for pleasure. But on the other side, as I said, she is phenomenally gifted at therapeutic parenting.

A good book that tells your side of the adoption of older children story is Foster Cline's book, Can This Child be Saved? It is sobering reading. But, as the parent of an older child, it is also very validating. Sadly, there are children who were too badly damaged to be able to live in a family. They simply cannot do it. And the rest of their families should not have to live a life of unrelenting stress and misery, either.

I have had my kids less than a year, and you're right, there's no telling where they'll be several years from now. I agree that more experienced parents have unique insights. But, it is the case that there are some very experienced parents--Indy, single parent to 7 special needs teenage boys--who are strong advocates for older child adoption and have seen progress in their kids. Will our kids do as well in life as the kids who were adopted as infants? On average, no. You definitely have to change your idea of what success is with these kids, I think. But even there, Nancy Thomas's adopted daughter, who had killed animals, attempted to kill her younger brother, and was planning to kill her parents--all by the age of 5, I think--is now graduating from college and is planning to be a pediatric nurse. Again, the kids who will achieve THAT kind of success are few, but it is not impossible.

I do think it's impossible for most of these kids to become anywhere near emotionally healthy without therapeutic parenting and attachment therapy. It sounds like you and your family did everything, and still you suffered these heartbreaks. I am truly sorry. It must be devastating. I honor you for making the sacrifices you made and loving the unloveable (to use Deborah Hage's phrase). It is an incredible sacrifice you made and are making.

One positive: Foster Cline says that a lot of the kids he's seen who were just very disturbed and "not worth a nickel" DO come around in remarkable ways in adulthood. So, you may have to wait until your kids hit their 30's, but the example of love and commitment and family that you gave is there to draw upon should they decide they want to be emotionally healthy.

Thank you for your very honest post. It is clear that your motivation is trying to spare others the deep pain that your family is experiencing.

Peace.

[MomToThree]

I appreciate the words of encouragement, and wisdom. My husband and I are really thinking about sending them back, but are hesitant because we do not like to think that they will be in the same foster home. That in itself is enough to give us second thoughts.

I truly believe that the two years that these children spent with this foster family has caused a lot of damage.

As I said before, my little girl did not have her own room, but instead had a twin bed in the middle of a hallway. What I didn't say was that her brothers were in a closet. The room didn't have racks to hang clothes, but it also wasn't large enough to hold anything larger than two toddler beds, and did not have any windows. How this family passed their inspections?... I will never know.

The only decent clothes these kids had were those that their real parents had given them during visits. The foster mom NEVER took these children shopping for clothes. She would buy clothes for them and most of the time they were too big. Their bicycles were rusted to the point where one broke the first day they rode them at our house. The kids were given these bicycles by their real parents over a year ago, and the foster mom made them store them on the patio.

She taught the youngest boy that he could hit and bite and not have to go to preschool. He doesn't like to learn, and would pitch a tantrum if he had to go to preschool... for the first month, she would come pick him up, but then started keeping him home until 11:00 and then take him to daycare. That way he didn't have to go to preschool, and she didn't have to worry about him being kicked out for good. I think she was more worried that she would have to keep him all day than she was that he wasn't learning anything. His therapist says he is not ready for kindergarten, but I can't find a placement in headstart or preK because he is too old, and I can't get a preschool to take him because of his behaviors.

He has told me that he thinks if he is mean to me, I will send him back to his foster mom.

I don't know without a doubt that all of the blame lies with the foster mom, but if it does, then I have more hope that they can be helped.

We haven't made any decisions yet, but we feel that we need to do it soon before school starts.

I will be posting often... at least for the next couple of weeks... so please reply with any advice you think will be of help. I have already started looking at the resources mentioned in the posts... thanks.

[momofmykids]

I have three words...THERAPY, THERAPY, THERAPY! These children need help! Do you have other children in the home? If not, just the change of having kids in general is enough to put a strain on your marriage. It's early in the game here, can you give these kids a little more time? These kids don't know what love and stability is, and they're going to rebel.

I'm with Lorraine, did your state not offer any kind of training for you? If not, call and let them know you want to sign up for the classes asap!

Good luck, I'm sending lots of hugs and prayers your way.

[Peggy]

If the littlest boy is not behaving properly in school, He can be placed in therapeutic day school. I do not know if you would have to wait until First grade, or if this could be done earlier. The downfall is that the placement has to occur with a PPT (Which you can request from his school).

[tybeemarie]

I agree with the other poster. Get your son evaluated by the public schools for special education. There are therapeutic schools to help deal with your son's behaviors. Good luck!

[lucyjoy]

Don't think I'd be rushing to eveluate this child for special school services. He's 4. In his world, his mom disappeared and he's fighting desperately to get her back. From an attachment standpoint, that's a really good thing. He's not fighting to get away, he's fighting to get his mom back. If he was able to bond with her, he should be able to bond with you. What are the chances of getting this foster mom involved in helping transfer the bond? The child needs to know she didn't disappear and he needs to see that she trusts you. If that's not possible, then pick him up, rock him(struggling or not)and tell him you know he must be scared about what's happenning. Tell him you see he is angry. He needs help giving those feelings words. A good therapist who understands attachment and bonding could help facilitate this. He needs to be strapped to you at least when he's awake. He needs to know you are right there. With some work, he could likely be a healthy, fun kid in a short amount of time. His whole world has been turned upside down. School can come in time. Right now, he needs to feel safe and secure and learn that you are the mom that will stay forever.

[Lorraine123]

A couple of things popped into my mind -

First, don't blame the foster parents for the children's behaviors. I see this all the time. While it may be true that the foster parents weren't great, damage that you are seeing comes from early neglect and abuse. Many social workers will tell you that the previous foster parents are at fault. Many children will also tell you the same. While its sad that the girl had a mattress in the hall and the boys had a bedroom in a closet, that doesn't cause the damage that you are seeing. They seem to have bonded with that foster mother. Try to use that bond to help transfer it to you. (LucyJoy said this also and I agree).

Next, when my daughter was first placed with us, school was very important to me. We put a lot of energy into getting her in school at the proper level wth the best teachers for her situation, etc. I have since learned that formal education isn't paramount. If I could turn back time I would have put school on the back burner (actually there are lots of things I would have done different, but we live and learn). These children need to learn to be part of a family first. I think it was Deborah Hage who said that a child can grow up and be a productive member of society without a high school diploma, but they can't be a productive member of society without attachment (I'm paraphrasing, but I hope you get the point). Our ideas of success must change.

Linny, Your post is not offensive. We all post according to our experiences. Yours have not been good and I'm sorry for that. However, there are parents who have had a good experience. That doesn't mean their children have healed. My daughter will probably never heal fully. She may never progress beyond where she is. She may turn our family even more upside down than she already has. But I can say that I have never regretted our decision to adopt her. I do consider our adoption successful. We have made it through 2+ years. But it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Momtothree - Someone said that if you can't love your children as they are now then maybe they aren't meant to be your children. And I find a lot of truth in that. I can't sit back and wait for the day when my daughter loves me back. It may never happen, so I need to love her just as she is.

Loving detached children is so hard. You must look for the little things that help you love them. There are so many reason to be irritated by them, that you really have to search. And there are days when the only reason to love them is because they go to bed at night. But then something will happen and you will realize there is a spark in you and if you keep feeding it, it will grow. You won't even realize it, but it will be there. Just keep looking for reasons to love them.

You must make the best choice for your family. But please realize that these children aren't unique. Many of us have children with very similar needs, so we can help. Best of luck to you.

[maggie_va]

I just finished reading "Building the Bonds of Attachment" and I have to say that quite a few of the behaviors you mentioned were examples in the book. Not that I think you have a lot of time on your hands to be reading a book but it may be worth checking out. The author talks about adopting an "attitude" that he believes works with children with these behaviors. It is an easy book to read because it is written in a story format.

Maggie

[tybeemarie]

What a great thread. I love lucyjoy's and lorraine's posts. There is a lot of wisdom and love and above all, incredible strength, in what they say. Keeping your son with you all day is probably the best therapeutic option. What is hard about this option is it requires spending all day with someone who is actively working on rejecting you and driving you away by force of aggra beyond all past experience. AND you have to project love and acceptance. That's the tricky part. Not reacting, not getting angry, having the child see love and ac

My kids are older, and foster kids, and there is no way DCFS would have agreed to keep the kids out of school, so I was not faced with this question. The idea of homeschooling, however, fills me with fear and trembling. I do not have that level of patience. With me as the teacher, I don't think it would be a bonding experience at all. Although, come to think of it, they may be saying, just get back to school issues later, period.

I have great respect for lucyjoy and lorraine. They have incredible reservoirs of patience and love and commitment and wisdom. That is the model, for sure. Don't beat yourself up if you don't feel you're not there yet. I'm sure not! It's a process for parents, too, I think.

If keeping the child home with you is not an option, either due to the foster care system, or for some other system, be aware that legally, you are entitled to a special education evaluation.

Oh, and I definitely agree with the last poster--Dan Hughes' book is great!

Hang in there!

[Peggy]

The point I was trying to make was, that if your child is old enough to be in school, and you are concerned that he is not capable of handling a regular school setting. Then a therapeutic or clinical day school is an option. My daughter is going to a therapeutic school. The school is run by an organization that works with foster care to provide services for foster children, and is therefore more equipped than the regular public schools to handle issues, provide additional therapy, and grades are far less of an issue. Certainly a young child with RAD would benefit from staying home as the first option.