[ulfsark]

Do you want to be found? Or would you rather just get on with your lives?

Thanks to some recent legislation in Illinois, I'm in the process of tracking down mine. I simply must know who they are. However, actually contacting them is a whole different mater.

[JustPeachy]

I had a semi-open adoption where I exchanged letters and pictures with my son's family throughout his life, although it was done through the agency and we didn't have each other's identifying information. I was always open to contact/opening things up further, and my son gave me his identifying information when he was around 22 years old, which set the ball rolling (albeit slowly) for a reunion. We met for the first time earlier this year and it was really wonderful. We now communicate every few weeks and I'm looking forward to seeing him again sometime in the new year.

I am not an expert on this, but my feeling is most mothers who have surrendered children would welcome contact from their child. Some are thrilled to be found, some are in shock and need time to come around, and some don't want any contact whatsoever, but I believe those are not the majority. Many mothers would love to reach out, but are afraid their children would not want to be contacted and don't want to disrupt their lives. A lot of adoptees have these same concerns. But I say "go for it." It is not easy, by any means, but if you go into it without having expectations (I know, easier said than done), it will be better than setting yourself up for a huge disappointment if things don't work out the way you expected them to.

I would also read up on reunion and learn all you can about the kinds of emotions that can get triggered for both natural parent and adoptee. Although it's hard to be really prepared for reunion, it does help to do some research. And if you have a support group in your area, that is also helpful. Years before I went into reunion with my son, I attended support groups through my agency for birth parents and adoptees in the process of reunion or who had already reunited. It was very helpful to hear their stories and understand some of the issues that come up in reuion.

Best of luck to you and keep us posted!

[identicaltwins]

I wanted to be "found" and was thrilled when I was. I say go for it!

[iwagrlVA]

I'm a birth mother who wants to be found. We had a semi-open adoption similar to justpeachy's. I also understand the bfather and his children want contact. In my situation, I actually figured out who and where my son is, but I'm waiting until he is a little older or until he is ready to contact me. (He is only 18.)

Many birth mothers want, at the very minimum, to know their child is happy and okay. Yes, there are some birth mothers that don't want to have contact with a child they relinquished. You just won't know until you try. It seems to me that the secret is to prepare yourself for reunion ahead of time.

[lostmother2012]

I always wanted to be found and we did connect in 2004.

[Sunshiny]

I was extremely happy to be found even though it has been challenging at times. I am glad my daughter searched for us with the attitude of "hey- here I am I want to love you". This enabled us to feel safe in sharing our love for her and getting to know her.

I may have felt different however if she presented contact with the attitude of "hey- here I am, I just want information and I am going to be gone". This would have left me feeling used once again and I may have protected my heart and family in this situation.

[LLAWEN]

Originally Posted by Sunshiny

I was extremely happy to be found even though it has been challenging at times. I am glad my daughter searched for us with the attitude of "hey- here I am I want to love you". This enabled us to feel safe in sharing our love for her and getting to know her.

I may have felt different however if she presented contact with the attitude of "hey- here I am, I just want information and I am going to be gone". This would have left me feeling used once again and I may have protected my heart and family in this situation.

Could you explain what you mean by "being used one again"? I understand that it might be hard if a birth child wanted "only" information (though, as an adopted adult who had two children with genetic diseases, medical information would have been my first priority had I wished to search). I don't mean to pry, but was your pregnancy a result of a terrible crime that made you feel used in the first place? It is the "once again" part of you post that confuses me.

Blessings,

LLAWEN

[saxyappy]

I think my bmom feels a bit of the same on this. I really did just want medical info to start out, and to say thanks of course. I don't know if bparents understand how hard it is to have no medical info to go off of. I've had doctors respond in a variety of ways from not testing me, to over testing me for everything (since they don't know). Now that I have a kid, I want her especially to know family history so she doesn't get a bunch of needless tests like I did.

[lostmother2012]

After my son and I got over the initial making sure we both had the right person one of the first questions I asked him was to find out out how much medical info he knew. All the information on the adoption paperwork had come from my mum (I was coerced into surrendering) and it took me over two years to get everything I was entitled post reunion. He had also found family members before we reunited. However all he knew was that my mum was asthmatic and I was deaf in my right ear. I was able to fill him as there was so much that he needed to know such as diabetes in the family, cancer, heart attacks, strokes and arthritis. He didn't even know that my deafness was due to Rubella when my mum was pregnant. He also found out that I suffer with depression and he had wanted to know because he suffers with it as well. I was angry with family members because they could have told him but chose not to.

[operadiva02]

Emphatically, yes. I would be over the moon if my daughter decides to search for me. I'm registered in the state registry and I know when she turns 21 she can access her original birth certificate. I won't be hard to find.

My birth mother was absolutely thrilled when I found her. She is now a very important part of my life, as are my half siblings.

My feeling is that for the vast majority of us birthmothers, we desperately want the chance to know the child we lost. After decades of not knowing whether that child is healthy, happy, or even alive, we NEED to know. At least that's my feeling on it.

[VancouverShar]

I was thrilled when my son found me. I was coerced into relinquishing him and I struggled every day not knowing where he was or how he was being treated.

I believe the vast majority of mothers wish to be found because there is no real 'getting on with our lives' after we lost you.

If your mother does not wish to have contact, please know that it really has nothing to do with you personally. It is her inability to deal with the immense pain of losing you. Here is an excellent article on why that may happen.

Why won't my mother meet me?

[feb171983]

50 - 50 chance.

Some want contact.

Some accept contact, but are cold and distant.

Some again reject contact, but do it politely.

Some are flat out mean in rejecting contact.

This would make an interesting poll.

[firstmom47]

Sometimes being found, or finding, IS getting on with our lives, finally.

[various]

Originally Posted by firstmom47

Sometimes being found, or finding, IS getting on with our lives, finally.

i am in that process, and it's emotionally painful.

[waterdragon4]

It varies for me. I went my whole life knowing I'm adopted but never actively searched until recently. I never thought of myself as missing something. It was only when I found my family did I stop and think of the reasons why I wanted to find them. Mainly I wanted to connect with my sister and find out medical information. But I guess it's fate for me because they thought we had moved out of the state and were actively looking for me for a long time. It wasn't until I reached out and looked that I found them.