[shadow riderer]

Continuing the conversation from the thread” Why Should We Be Grateful”:

While reading the post regarding expecting a good or bad reunion, I started thinking about my own reunions, and my expectations before hand. I began analyzing (I have way too much time on my hands today.) just exactly why I might have had the expectations I had going into reunion, because my expectations of my reunions with Bmom, Bdad, and all the other B’s, were all different.

I was 23 when I first had the opportunity to reunite with Bmom. I didn’t search, hadn’t even considered reunion or searching at that, particular, time in my life. I had been diagnosed with a hereditary eye disease, called Retinitus Pigmentosa, and the doctors wanted a medical history of my bio family. As a 23 year-old, I had better things to concern myself with, so I don’t remember exactly what went down. All I remember is that all of a sudden I was going to the adoption agency, sitting down with a counselor for an hour, receiving my non ID, and being asked if I would like contact if my Bmom agreed to it.

The counselor from the agency was a reunited adoptee, and she painted a beautiful picture of reunion. Her’s had apparently gone well. My Aparents never told me anything about my BPs. They didn’t know anything, other than a little information on a sheet of paper that the agency gave them; eye color, height, etc. I think, I was like a lot of adoptees, and grew up thinking that my BPs were unable to keep me, but they loved me, probably wanted to keep me, or something similar. They certainly didn’t give me up, because they “didn’t want” me. No, they loved me. They had to give me up because people, who were not married, couldn’t keep children. Besides, what kind of mom, or dad,doesn’t love their child? All parents love their children. Parents, who “abandon” their children, are “Bad”, and my BPs were “not” bad.

My Bps must have had some really good reason for placing me with the adoption agency. It wasn’t their fault. Something forced them to do it. They certainly didn’t “want” to give me up, because they loved me. I was their child. How could they not “love” me and thus give me away. They had just done what was best for me.

Back then there was not an Internet, with a website like this. No one ever mentioned books about adoptee or adoptee issues. Not to mention the fact that I was 23 and might very well have found myself in the position of possibly becoming and “unwed mother”, myself. Who was I to judge?

When the counselor asked if I would agree to contact, I thought what the heck. Honestly, the thought that my Bmom might not be happy about being found never crossed my mine. What mother wouldn’t want to be found by the child she loved so much she gave up, so the child could have a better life?

The search was on. It didn’t take the counselor long to find my Bmom. I never lifted a finger in the search. Bmom agreed to contact, and was handed to me on a silver platter. I was so excited, and I wrote the first letter.

When after several months, I received no reply, understandably, I was angry and upset. Still the thought that she might “reject” me never crossed my mind. What mother wouldn’t want to know her “child”? No one ever talked to me about Bmom’s having issues. Because of what the counselor had told me, and what I had grown up believing about “all” parents, I had no idea that my Bmom might not be exactly thrilled to be found. The first letter I received from her, six months after my letter to her, started with, and my foggy memory makes me paraphrase, but “I wasn’t sure I was going to respond..”

Can you say big red flag? I couldn’t. It still never crossed my mind that my Bmom might not be comfortable with reuniting. The core thought that I grew up believing that “all” moms “love", and "want", their children, wouldn’t let me think otherwise. AS they say, the rest is 20 years now of history. It’s still hard for me to accept my Bmom’s issues. Even though, logically, I know it’s not personally about me, that thought of “all” mothers “love and “want” their children is still there, so why doesn’t mine? I’ve accepted it, but I’ll never “understand” it, and that’s O.K, even if it does stink.

Then there comes reunion with Bdad. After 16 years of being led to believe he was a jerk, Who took advantage of Bmom, left her holding the bag, denied I was his etc., it is certainly understandable as to why I waited 16 years after meeting Bmom to contact him.

Where as I fully expected Bmom to be thrilled to be found, I fully expected Bdad to hang up the phone as soon as I told him who I was. Imagine the blow to my already “terrified of rejection” brain when he responded to the other extreme. He was thrilled to be found. In that first letter my Bmom wrote to me, she wrote, “Your birthfather’s story will be different from mine.” Can you say red flag again? Apparently, red flag wasn’t in my vocabulary. She wasn’t kidding. Their stories were quite different.

There is really no need to go into why my reunion with Bdad failed, the moral of the story: I went into it expecting complete rejection from the start. I had already started writing the next letter, because I just knew he wasn’t going to return that phone message. How did I know that? Bmom told me, not to mention, I think, because of

how my Adad was, well, men just didn’t care about their children like women did. Children were a woman’s responsibility. A man’s responsibility was to “provide”. I also had known of several guys, who had “ran out on” girls they got pregnant. Why wouldn’t I expect to be rejected by my Bdad? Why wouldn't it cknock me completely off my rocker when he didn't reject me from the start but was thrilled?


In regards to my siblings, I was brought up to believe that family was, both, adopted and bio. Sometimes you were related by blood and sometimes not, and you loved both. The fact that everyone didn’t think like that never crossed my mind. I had adoptive family members tell me things like, “You know, you’re not really related to us., or once, in regarding my Abro, “He’s not your real brother.” Can you say red flag again? I couldn’t, and I don’t care. My siblings are my siblings whether adopted or biological. It’s the same with other extended family. That’s how I was raised to think. I don’t know any other way.

My bMom’s children were very young when we met. They were happy to find a “big” sister, and probably the only reason my reunion with Bmom survived 20 years. My Bsis and I are very close. She was my maid of honor when I married my husband. I am her Matron of Honor in her upcoming wedding. I think the fact that they were happy and things had gone so well, made it that much harder to understand when Bdad’s daughter showed little to no interest in a relationship with me.

I realize this is very long. I hope you can see how many things played a role in how my expectation of reunion formed. What I’ve explained here is, really, only a small part of it. There are also all those adoptee issues of the fantacy parent etc, but this would turn into a book if I talked about that. Now, in hindsight, I find it all so very interesting. At times, I felt like a fool, for not “seeing” those “read flags”, and there I go again, blaming myself because I’m just human. So, how about you guys? Can you look back now, and see how your own expectations about reunion might have formed?


Let's see where this goes.

[annierose]

I don't know why we form these crazy ideas and expectations. I guess we think of how we feel ourselves, and think that of course the other party feels the same. I am a bsib, reunited with my adoptee sibling. I guess I thought because I found him because he was also searching and posted on a site, that he was wanting a relationship. Truth is, I don't know. He may have only searched just to know his heritage, or medical info, or just to meet us. My expectations of a relationship may not be his. It's funny how you think about something so long, for years, that you make it almost like a fairytale in your head. Also I think you assume because you are biologically related to someone, that they will be the same as you, look like you, think like you, feel like you etc...and you are completly unprepared for the opposite. While my sibling and I have alot in common, I think we feel differently about matters of the heart and reunion in general. It's always a blow when expectations don't match. It's best to let go of them really....My mother said to me when I first started this journey of reunion, "you have to be open to whatever the expierience brings" The two of them hav'nt met yet, but she see's how it's going with me and him, and tells me she has no expectations anymore. I think if everyone would just put it all out on the table and say what they want from the git go, say what they feel and be honest from the start, things might go better. But realistically, maybe we don't know what we want until we're knee deep in it.

[Dickons]

Great post Shadow...

Annierose the knew deep comment is really true, until you are at that point you don't know the totallity of the reason.

I'm a little different as I am older and a loner. I went into my reunion only wanting a) medical history shared both ways, b) the chance to meet them and see if anything clicked but not to have any type of close relationship, just a keep in touch once in a while.

Parts of my reunion are just that, share history and keep in touch. The others in my reunion made it painfully obvious that they would rather have a conversation with someone they did not know, than me. It hurt and it still hurts and still I know I would open the door if they changed their minds...how pathetic is that? Not that I would trust their motives but still...pathetic.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Amandak249]

I began my reunion when I was 12.

I expected everyone to be happy to see me, because I was always told that my birthparents HAD wanted me, that they simply were not ready. On my bmom’s side, I found her- a very good natured addict who oozed with syrupy love for me, and who would never reveal much to me because it “hurt her”- and my birth grandmother- who had seen so many of her grandchildren come and go that I was barely on her radar.

I was more hopeful about my birthfathers side. Instead, I found a family divided. Some members desperately wanted to get to know me- while others couldn’t let go of my adoption - something they had protested long ago. Everyone was kind and welcoming, though there was an undercurrent of hurt in my visits. Those who were opposed slowly grew to like me, when they saw how much I resembled their son and brother, my birthfather. When my bsister started acting out a few years later (she’s very troubled) and complained about me and my relationship with “HER” father, the reluctant members of the family withdrew their love for me, and desperately tried to protect my sister from my existence. Only now, at least a good 4 or 5 years since that happened, has my relationship with my birthfather begun to heal. I speak only to him now, and occasionally his girlfriend. I lost the others long ago.

When I searched, I remember expecting a family just like my own. Well adjusted, loving, and eager to welcome in the daughter they surrendered years ago. Now that I’m in my 20’s, I know that this was unrealistic, that it was merely the thought process of a little girl who had no idea what she was about to get into.

My adoption turned out for the best. I am a success story. I have a wonderful family, many friends, and a successful and full life. On some levels, I am grateful that my family adopted me and that I have such a wonderful life. But I am not grateful for being placed. I see my placement and my adoption as two different events( silly, I know).

There is a hardening around my heart when it comes to my birth family. I accept their reasons, I do not share with them my anger. I do not tell them that I always exercise at least 2 or 3 methods of birth control at once, in order to ensure that I never find myself in their position. I care deeply about them, but I don’t know that I’ll ever forgive them

I have been forever cut off from my genetic lineage, my heritage, my ancestors, and my family of origin. They have robbed me of the knowledge of what it’s like to grow up with the family I was born into. My birthparents, my birth family in its entirety- made a choice about me over 20 years ago. I have lived my entire life with the knowledge of their decision. I have gained a lot, yes. But I have lost something primal, something deeply embedded within me, and though I am pleased to have a relationship with them, I cannot escape from the knowledge that they left me. And although I will gracefully accept it, I will call them and be kind to them and care about them deeply, I will never forget. I have sympathy, compassion, and love in my heart for them. But I will always hold back. I will always be guarded. A part of me will never really understand how they could leave me.

This is what my reunion has given me. My expectations have simply melted away. This is the reality I have discovered in my search for self.

I am a very happy person. I have a wonderful, supportive family. I am happy to be where I am. Underneath my adjusted exterior, deep inside me, lies the child who was cast away. I will feel the ramifications, both good and bad, of my adoption until I die. I can never escape it. For this reason, I will always hold myself back from my birth family. I can’t forget,and I refuse to give them all of my heart, all of my soul and my love, because I feel like they relinquished that along with my infant self. I will never give them my all- lest they disappear again.

[shadow riderer]

I'm going to go ahead and throw this out too, because it surprised me when I finally came to terms with it.

I went into my reunion with Bdad expecting rejection. I told myself, all I wanted was medical information, and to know who he was, hear his side of the story, etc. If a relationship happend fine, but I was prepared for one or two conversations and then it would be over. I would just go on with my life. When his reaction was the exact opposite of what I expected, it brought into play a whole new set of expectations. It also brought forth 40 years of emotional issues over my adoption.

My Afather was not an affectionate man, and quite difficult at times. Don't get me wrong, he loved me as best he could, but he was far from Heathcliff Huckstable, or Ward Cleaver, (depending on your age).

Here was my BDad, so thrilled to have been found, and so full of love. He WANTED me. He didn't abandon me. The honeymoon stage of my reunion with Bdad was unbelievable. Oh, my what denial can do for you. It seems as the story came out I had a tendency to only here what I wanted to hear and over look all those, dang red flags. Reunion cand do that to you if you aren't careful and sometimes, even if you are.


I had always hoped he would search and find me. I never wanted to believe he was really the kind of guy my Bmom made him out to be. After all, all dad's love and want their children. Right?

I had finally found the "perfect" father, the one, who loved me unconditionally, worshipped the ground I walked on, would do anything for me, his little girl. I had found The father all little girls wanted, or maybe I should say dream of, and deserve.

Having grown up with an abusive father, well, you don't have to be a proffessional to see how I got caught up in the fantacy of the perfect father.

In the end, all I really think that I wanted from my Bparents and family was for them to love me and want me. I think most of them do in some way, they just can't show it like i would "expect" them to. That fact is a difficult pill to swallow at times.

[txrnr]

Thanks for this thread. I have decided to make contact and have been having the hardest time composing "the letter". For years, my adoption was a non factor. My bparents were young, 15/18, and that was understandable to me. I didn't think much about them (as in, they weren't on my radar, not I didn't care for them), and assumed they were able to go on, have fanstastic lives, and rarely thought about me.

I have no idea what I'll find, but reading things like your stories helps me prepare for whatever. Thanks for sharing.

[The Wanderer]

My bmom was about 25 when she relinquished me. As a kid, not really knowing or understanding the specifics, I remember creating quite a fantasy about me and my mom (and our dog, who I was very close with). It was a very uninformed and idealistic view of a single mom. In my fantasies, I spent my time alone with my dog (who I would spoil with treats and love), but yet would somehow "feel" the unconditional love of my mother, and nothing else would matter.

As I grew up, I mostly blocked these memories out, and I don't relate to them much today. I still wonder about her, but not in the same way. I think I'm afraid of a relationship at this point, though on some level I still want one. I'm not sure. This is an interesting thread about expectations, and now I'm not sure what I think!

[BethVA62]

Where do our expectations of reunion come from?

That's a big question which could lead me into typing for days!
I think I'll start here.

Where do our expectations of reunion come from?

Everything we are exposed to. TV, books, movies, others stories about their adoption related relationships, our own family life experience, people we know, comments made by aparents, family, friends, lawyers, politicians, teachers, doctors....

I think we take it all in and make up our own dream of the world to live in. We make agreements with our self, others and our world of how we are going to think about it all. Sometimes unwilling to waver from our last formed internal and/or external insights. We form opinions from what we've been exposed to and what thoughts and feelings, and hopes we have deep inside.

Everyone has their own dream of the world and how things work in it. What's fair/unfair/ important/ not as important, moral/immoral, wise/not so wise, right/wrong.
The way we see "life" is an illusion we are capable of altering... if we want to.

[BethVA62]

Shadow, I know what you mean about the red flags.
I've learned that those flags need my attention, cause they are signs of what could come.
I ignored, or didn't understand some of them, or it was just like I didn't hear them, didn't want to hear, didn't register, got left out of the puzzle. Just thought, it must not be what they really mean, it just came out wrong.
It's hard to see them, I had to let a lot of comments from everyone in my life slide, and did let them slide cause I know they didn't understand or really know what they are talking about/saying.
The little details can drive you nuts trying to figure other people out. It's wise to keep the big picture in sight so you don't get lost in it all. For me it took a lot of forgiveness and tons of attempting to understand where people are coming from. It's easy to take it all personally.
The best thing to do is ask questions straight out directly. And when you get an answer you didn't expect, sit with it a while and figure out where it came from.
Some people are better able to express themselves openly than others.

My fathers' brother is one who just comes out and says it. He has the best hugs, and just says stuff! outloud! I love seeing him. He's said everything to me that I wanted to hear, expected to hear, and he means it. What a gift he is to me. He has lost two sons, so he knows life is short and you'd better share your feelings with others while you have the chance.

My dad lost his eldest son, so he knows too, he's good at expressing his feelings outloud, but not as good as my uncle (Dad would say my uncle is too sappy LOL)

My brothers say stuff too, just not as well as my uncle or my Dad are able to, but I know they feel the same.
I tell them how I feel, and it's not always easy! They love hearing it. My dad and uncle tell me things my brothers say about me, and it sends me soaring high.

I want them to know what is on my mind, in my heart, now, today. I could drop dead at anytime. I miss them badly today, they are 10 hours away

[shadow riderer]

Beth, I think you summed it up well.

I don't know why. Maybe I'm just in one of those melancholy moods or something, but ever since I started this thread, I've had this really old Coke commercial popping up in my mind. Some of you are old enough to remember it. It's the one from back in the early 70's where they were singing, "I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony..." You know the one?

Iguess that's just me...too idealistic sometimes...thinking if everyone just loved one another, we could all live happily ever after.

I see reunion as a gift. I see it as an opportunity to heal the hurt, love, and be loved. It makes me sad when others take it for granted, or worse reject it all together. Sheesh...now that silly song is stuck in my head. Ha, I think I'm goint to just go with it. If I have to have a song stuck in my head, might as well be that one. could be worse. I could have Disco duck stuck in my head. Am I getting old, or what?

[BrockBaby]

Good thread Shadow! By-the-way, how are you old friend?

I sometimes sit and wonder these kinds of things as well. Where did my expectations come from? Why did I have such high expectations? Why did I think that I would have such a "wonderful" reunion, when all around me people weren't having the "wonderful" reunion I just KNEW I'd have. HA! HA!

Here's my take on MY experience.....

Reality happened. And I was left standing there with the shattered pieces of my expectations, dreams, and hopes in my hands. Wondering. Who went wrong? And in some ways, I couldn't allow myself to believe that it was me. It was her. It was them. The truth is, they are who they are, and my expecations of who and what I wanted them to be, does not and will not change who they are. Anymore then who or what they wanted me to be is going to change me.

So what do I do with these pieces left in my hands. Are they real. Do they have a place in my life now? I think for me, part of what I need to do, is to examine them. Look at them for what they are. Hurts. Unmet needs. Longings. Hopefullness. Wishfullness. And a huge part of what they were, was a coping mechanism. Those dreams, hopes, expectations allowed me to get through a childhood wondering how and why the woman who gave birth to me, didn't want me. My little girl self, could not allow myself to think anything less then those lofty things about the lady who gave me life. I think I would have crumbled and fell apart without those dreams and ideals. I am no longer that little girl though, and now, as an adult I must face reality. I must let go of those "Disney-Happy-Endings" and embrace the reality that, regardless of what IS, it does NOT change WHO I am. My bmom's issues and the fact that she isn't who I "wanted" and in some ways thought I "needed", does not reflect on me. It may hurt, but it doesn't define my life. Sure, who doesn't want a lovely reunion? I would have loved to have a reunion different then what I have, but even then it wouldn't change who I am...and even that reunion would not have met the expectations that I had put on it. I think only Lifetime, Disney, and the Hallmark channel could have come up with the ending I wanted.

I am not sure I answered the question at all...but, even if nobody else "gets" what I am trying to say...I think it was important for me to type this. To put in print those heart issues I have been wrestling with. I had wrong expectations, based on the fantasy world of a little girl who was hurt by the reality of the world we live in.....and in ways, I am glad I had those wonderful fantasies. I am not sure who I would be had I created a different expectation. Sitting here, I realize, I am glad that I had high expectations. As an adult I can handle the reality of those expectations not being met...I don't know, however, if I would have been able to be who I am today, had I not allowed myself to dream those dreams...to hope...to expect good things. Even today, in the aftermath of a expectation-quaking brush with reality, I still hold on to my high expectations. Except those expectations are not on my reunion anymore...I am not the only player in that saga, but I do have high expecations for myself. I expect that I will continue to be a loving, kind person, that I will continue to be who I am, and begin to embrace that I am who I am suppose to be...regardless of any unmet expectation!

[BethVA62]

YouTube - Coke Coca Cola Original I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing

I think this is the coke commercial.

What is it about this?
I remember it well, remember singing it at school and church, we played it in band, it's one of the few things I can still play on the clarinet LOL I remember it making me happy cry sometimes, and made me miss my peeps.

It stuck with me.
Is it because it was probably one of the first things I saw on TV with so many different races of people? The idea that all people can have harmony? The would like to by the world a home and furnish it with love? Little girls fantasy?

It's on my list of exposed to "things", altered my thinking as a kid somehow
I dunno! But it stuck with me like some of the fairy tales. Strange that you mentioned it.
And gee thanks, now I am stuck on the disco disco duck!

[shadow riderer]

Brock wrote:I am not sure I answered the question at all...but, even if nobody else "gets" what I am trying to say...I think it was important for me to type this. To put in print those heart issues I have been wrestling with. I had wrong expectations, based on the fantasy world of a little girl who was hurt by the reality of the world we live in.....and in ways, I am glad I had those wonderful fantasies. I am not sure who I would be had I created a different expectation. Sitting here, I realize, I am glad that I had high expectations. As an adult I can handle the reality of those expectations not being met...I don't know, however, if I would have been able to be who I am today, had I not allowed myself to dream those dreams...to hope...to expect good things. Even today, in the aftermath of a expectation-quaking brush with reality, I still hold on to my high expectations. Except those expectations are not on my reunion anymore...I am not the only player in that saga, but I do have high expecations for myself. I expect that I will continue to be a loving, kind person, that I will continue to be who I am, and begin to embrace that I am who I am suppose to be...regardless of any unmet expectation!"

Thank you, Brock, for saying this. I think you are right. What kind of people would we have been to grow up with out the fantacy? I hadn't really thought about it like that before.

I've sat reading other threads by aparents and others, telling their children their bmom's placed them out of love etc.. I wondered if maybe Aparents and others weren't doing the adoptee a disservice or something. Unless they really knew the BPs did it out of love, and would be open to reunion later, how could they say that? It sort of like setting up the adoptee for disapointment later in life. Then again, how cruel would it be to say to a child otherwise? Kind of seems like a no win situation to me. I think I would rather grow thinking what I did and dealing with the reality of life as an adult, then know the truth as a child...then again, This is probably more part of the grieving process...I don't know.

I'm doing fine other than having some days, in which I'm just a little sad about the whole thing. Thanks, for asking. I think I prefer being kind, loving, and having peace of mind over being the angry adoptee, or trying to figure out what "I" did wrong. I know I'm not perfect, but I did my best. What more can I do? Time for me to go back to "live and let live". Know what I'm trying to say, but not doing a very good job of saying? I hope so cause I'm not really sure anymore. lol

Thank you again, I'm so glad you were around to help me through this journey over the past 4 years. I couldn't have done it without you. Now we just need to come up with a title for the final book. I'm all out of ideas at the moment, but I'm working on it. Keep in touch, and let me know how you are.

[shadow riderer]

God bless you, Beth, for finding that commercial. Man, does that ever bring back memories...a time when life was so much more simple...a little girl's world of running barefoot on hot concrete chasing the ice cream truck down the street..playing fetch with the dog...and...sitting around a girl scout campfire singing that coke commercial song. Those were the days.

...and sorry about the Disco Duck thing.

[KittyMay]

Where do our expectations of reunion come from?

I'd have to say it comes from within. That deep human need to have a connection, something in common with someone else for our own senses of belonging. The first thing as adoptee's that we deal with is the fact that our first parents for whatever reason relinquished us. I feel that that fact alone causes our imaginations to work overtime trying to compensate for that fact. We insert the story we want or need to soothe our psyche. While I feel it is insticntual and primal, I do not believe it is a "Primal Wound". It is the natural order of adoption issues, and because adoption is so un-natural in our basic instincts....we create a natural progression of expectations that result in our ultimate reunion expectations. I believe the order of those expectations changes as we age, and from our own individual experiences of adoption. We all go through stages of emotions our whole lives. Grief, love, sadness, etc. I believe our expectations are the result of a similar cycle and depending how circumstances line up, they either result, like anything else, positively or negatively. All the players in the adoption process, at various stages, predetermines the outcomes in some instinctual way.