[Sparky7]

hello i'm rachel and i have a daugther named aria that's in open adoption. She's only 2 going on 3 but so far so good she has great parents and i allowed to see her. Her b dad for all her life has been in and out he's never see her in person but i have giving him pictures over the years so he knows what she looks like. He's not ready to see her in person he said so i never forced the issue when he was ready he had to make that choice for himself. He has left yet again and this time i think its for good dont ask me the reason why he left because he never says just goes. Personally i'm glad he's gone only for the simple fact is he has other kids of whom he takes vey good care of he's a great father to them but my child is the odd one out. I don't think of him as even a birthfather he has done nothing that make him worthy of that title dna doesnt count for much. Sorry i'm ranting i'm just really angry. So here's the thing when shes older do you really think she'll want to find him? I mean i would help her if she did but how do i explain that while he is a wonderful father to her brothers he cant even stay in her life for only a few months time until he has to up and leave again. I know her a parents are going to tell her she's adopted when she's older but i think i'll need to explain her bdad since they know nothing about him and truthfully i dont know much ethier. So advice or opinions would help please

[sheababy]

I am a 40 year old adoptee and yes your daughter will probably want to find him out of normal curiousity when she is older. I don't think you need to explain anything to her initially. Right now, I would not push him to have a relationship with her if he is not interested and would be undependable.

I can understand your anger but you are not responsible for this man's actions or inactions. If your daughter meets him and realizes he is a great father to these other children but not her, let her ask HIM. You are not responsible for explaining his actions. If your daughter asked you, respond honestly and say you don't know.

Explain what you can to the aparents-don't feel bad that you don't have all the answers. I also have an adopted daughter with no idea who the bfather is-do I think less of the bmom because of this? Absolutely not-she gave us the greatest gift possible.

I really do understand your anger and frustration but try to let it go and focus on your relationship with your daughter and let him face the music when the time comes.

[Sparky7]

I know what your saying. It's just my dad took off when i was born and that hurt me alot but he fathered 5 children and left every single one of them. He claims he loves her and misses her yet doesnt do a **** thing for her and he would go to the ends of the earth for his other children. He might have another child on the way that wasnt planned yet says if he's paying child support for his kid then he sure as not going to be cut out of its life. So why is my daugther so diffrent from them i have encouraged him to see her yet with her its like he doesnt give a **** and that bothers me that she is the only one he doesnt want to commit to. Like because she's my baby she defective and crap i really need to stop talking like this cause she's not she's the best thing that ever happend to me and i love that girl so much.

[Dickons]

Sparky7,

Yes, you child may want to meet him when she is older.

The one reason you did not list for the bfather not wanting to see her is...he is a parent to his other children and may feel so much grief over not parenting her that it is too hard for him to deal with...and may feel angry and confused as well.

We all deal with issues that cause us tremendous pain in a different manner...no one can truly say why another person has done something...it's impossible unless you are that person.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Sparky7]

Dickons, I know he didnt want to do adoption but we had very limited options and we both decided together it was the best thing for her. If he's having a hard time dealing with it then i feel he should leave until he really can deal with everything. It's not fair for anyone involed in this because he can't make his mind up. He doesnt look at his feelings when it comes to this he just blocks everything out when it comes to that and i'm just sick of it. I'm just tired of trying to be there trying to help when i get nothing but heartache and grief in return i got my own issues. So unless he gets his head straight then yeah he's on his own mre power to him i know it's mean but i just tired of him. Sorry if that offends anyone

[Dickons]

Sparky7,

If you feel this way then why would you create the post?

Kind regards,
Dickons

[kenyonjen]

Hi Rachel,
I agree with all of what Sheababy said, but I'd like to add a few other thoughts.

As an adoptee, all I've ever wanted was the truth about my birthparents--even if it's painful--and I think your daughter will someday appreciate knowing the truth about her father, whatever that truth may be...especially if that truth comes from you, her birthmother, in a gentle, loving way!

I understand your anger towards her birthfather (I'd be angry, too!!), but please share that anger with us and not with Aria or her adoptive parents. Let her decide how she feels about him, if and when the time comes, and just love and support her in whatever she decides.

Finally, I'm not sure how close you are with your daughter's adoptive parents, but if you feel comfortable doing so, I would suggest to them that they tell her that she's adopted NOW, and begin explaining what that means in age-appropriate terms. My (adoptive) parents told me from the moment they brought me home as an infant that I was adopted and how very special I was to them because they had always wanted to have children. Even before I could understand what it meant, I would toddle around the house, pigtails bouncing, sing-songing, "Adopted! Special!" I never had that identity-shaking moment of revelation that other adoptees who found out about the adoption as older children had, and I am so, so thankful for that.

Hope this was at least a little helpful. Keep your chin up--your daughter is lucky to have you in her life!!!

[BrockBaby]

Personally, I don't understand what you have to do with this. Is he coming to you and asking about her? To me, each birthparent is a separate issue. You can't "fix" anything for your bdaughter. It's not up to you. As a reunited adoptee, I don't think that it is either of my bparents responsibility to compensate or "cover" for the other.

Since your daughter is adopted she will have her own issues to deal with, and while having you in her life and having some of those questions answered, it still doesn't guarentee that there won't be more questions she has or that it will erase all the feelings she's going to feel. She will have to deal with them in ways that work for her. You can't see into the future and make everything "okay." Hopefully she has supportive parents and will have enough good self-esteem to be able to deal with any of her issues in a healthy way.

[BrockBaby]

So why is my daugther so diffrent from them i have encouraged him to see her yet with her its like he doesnt give a **** and that bothers me that she is the only one he doesnt want to commit to. Like because she's my baby she defective and crap i really need to stop talking like this cause she's not she's the best thing that ever happend to me and i love that girl so much.

I just realized what that said. Is this about her, or you? I am picking up on the notion that because he doesn't respond to your bdaughter the way he does others that it is somehow because of you. You are speculating. He may not know HOW to be in an open adoption. He may not be able to be in an open adoption..it might be too difficult for him. Regardless, I doubt it has anything to do with her being CRAP or DEFECTIVE because you mothered her!!!!! Afterall, he had sex with you in the first place....so I think you can quit thinking about those things....they are just a pit of lies.

[JustPeachy]

the thing when shes older do you really think she'll want to find him? I mean i would help her if she did but how do i explain that while he is a wonderful father to her brothers he cant even stay in her life for only a few months time until he has to up and leave again. I know her a parents are going to tell her she's adopted when she's older but i think i'll need to explain her bdad since they know nothing about him and truthfully i dont know much ethier. So advice or opinions would help please.

I hope you don't mind a birthmom chiming in here. When your daughter is older, she may or may not want to find her birthfather. You don't need to explain anything to her. I would say, if she asks about him, just give general info. If she wants to find him, give her his info and let her seek him out on her own. You really don't need to be in the middle of it. You also don't know in the future how reliable or unreliable he will be. You can't say for certain if he will be in and out of her life. That will be between your daughter and him at the time. Let her form her own opinions. I don't think it will be helpful for her if you tell her what a wonderful father he was to her brothers but that he couldn't be bothered to stay in her life. Why even put that opinion out there? Some things are better left unsaid. Let HIM answer for his own behaviour. If your daughter asks you "why did my birthfather not see me or why was he not part of my life?" you can simply say "I don't know, you will have to ask him." You should not feel like you have to answer for him.

[Sparky7]

I was involed at the time because i was the one that gave him pictures in the begining yes i did put myself on middle ground for the a parents and for him. When i said he parents his other kids i was really angry and upset but it's the truth. The whole reason i posted this thread was so find out if when aria grows up she'll want to find him and from what everyone says it could be yes. Everything that I have said hasnt been months ok this stuff is very recent so yes my daugther never see's it but i am angry sick and done. So i wrote a letter explaining to him that since he has access to the info on her adoptiveparents he needs to go and do this for himself and all the power to him. I was thinking mostly in the future so i could figure out in my own way on how to go about it. Thanks for those who replied gave me alot to think about but i'll worry about it later it might change from whats going on right now so we'll see.

[Longtimewaiting]

Please make sure that you have all the info on him that you can possibly get. Correct birth name, nickname, SS# if possible, birthdate, birthplace, parents names, siblings names, childrens names, any and all that will help identify him in 30 years.

[CornellSoftball09]

Its hard to say whether she will want to know her Birthdad or not. I was adopted at birth and knew nothing about either one of my birthparents till 2 weeks ago when I recieved my adoption information. The story that goes with my mom is that she has been in and out of jail, into drugs and alcohol and isnt very reliable. As for my dad, well he wanted nothing to do with me when he found out my mom was pregnant. He left town the day after he found out. When I found this out I decided I never wanted to meet him because if he really cared he would have helped my mom through the adoption process. Although your story may be alittle different, the main overall story is the same. Birthdad isn't in the picture. Anything you could tell the child would be great(if you think thats whats right) but in the end she will have to make the choice and she has lots of time to do that. I would suggest that you maybe not tell her to much till she is at least 15 or so because im 18 now and what I learned was hard and im a pretty mature person.

Good luck with everything in the future : )

[Sparky7]

I know my dad took off and i wanted to know about him. He is a jerk but i had to find that out on my own. I feel so bad because sometimes i feel like i have failed her so much. I thought he would be the type of guy who would at least support and help me since he has children but no he couldnt deal and i was left in the dust. I just wanted her to know all her heself and yeah her dad is including in that. But it was not ment to me.

[EZ2Luv]

It could be too that the Bdad feels that your bdaughter already has parents and doesn't really know what to do.

It sounds like you are angry at him for letting you down. and not being there for you. As for your bdaughter, I am an adoptee that always knew I was adopted. My bmom went to her grave without letting me know she was my bmom(and I knew her all my life) and never telling wh my bdad was. Honestly, I really never wanted to search for either bparents but was forced to because of medical history.

It can go either way for our bdaugghter, but as long as she has information as to who he is, that is all that matters. If she does want to search, at that point it would be up to bdad to explain, not you. As long as you are willing to be there if your bdaughter ever wants a relationship with you, that is all that matters. Your not responsible for his feelings.
It would be different of you were parenting your bdaughter together and he was doing for his other children and not yours, but he probably feels like he does not have to participate in her life because she has aparents.

EZ