[oceanlover]

I've been reunited 16 yrs, am 42 yrs old. Found bio mom and entire family, including siblings (1 full-blooded sibling). Bio mom told me her story of her dysfunctional parental family which led to county getting involved in their lives, then my bio mom's, as she had gotten pregnant. This was back in 1965. She used words like "The County system stole you away from me," and unfortunately still does today. Due to gaps in her story, unfortunate untruths from my adoptive parents, I was able to review my adoption papers & my juvenile ward papers, then received records of social workers involved on my case while I wsa in foster care for 2-1/2 yrs. This had all the details of my bio family's dysfunction, which really led to me being placed in temporary custody. My bio mother got pregnant again 22 months later w/my full-blooded sibling and was threatened by county services that she'd be placed in girl's prison and her siblings would be placed in foster care, and her baby would again be placed for adoption. She and her family absconded the state and went to another, leaving me in foster care. She came back late to find me adopted, as a hearing had been conducted, both parents notified, one showed up; the other was MIA. To her, I know this is still a deep wound and sensitive issue. She refers to my adoptive parents as "the water," but "she's the blood." This deeply hurts me and I want to tell her that she's in denial and we can't move forward in a meaningful relationship until she can appreciate and respect my family for what they are and were to me: a gift. It has been difficult to share my feelings with her, because in the past I haven't been heard, I've been criticized, wrongly judged, and seemingly unfavorable compared to my sibling, the child she kept, who has also caused major problems between my bio mom and me. I am a woman of great faith and believe God can do the impossible and restore all things. My adoptive mother is in her final stages of Alzheimer's, and my bio mom knows it, along with what I'm going through in trying to assist my adoptive parents at this time in caregiving. Yet there has been these hurtful words recently, as well as words to the effect of I'm her baby and she doesn't want any more separation, ever, but it seems like it's very conditional, upon her approval and meeting her expectations.

I just want to know if there's anyone out there who has experienced anything similar and what resolutions, if any, are there, especially from a Christian standpoint. This has been a long-standing issue with me. What is God's purpose for me finding her, doing all the work yet never to have a deeply meaningful relationship and friendship w/out my sibling feeling insecure & threatened and speaking false negatives about me. I know I cannot change people or their perspectives, only God can. But for the sake of wanting to fulfill God's overall purpose for my life and this relationship, how do I handle this touchy subject, or do I just not say anything, realizing it's not my issue but hers, also realizing the relationship may never be what I'd like it to be, because of it.

[wishfulthinker]

Personally, I think that it's not a good idea to enter a search with the ultimate goal being a relationship. My goal is to get answers and to put everyone's mind at ease. Our bparents are strangers to us, afterall. I feel that my parents are the ones who raised me, the ones who were always there for me. In my mind, making a baby does not make one a parent. A parent is the person who cares for and raises a child.

I cannot and will not claim to know "God's purpose" for myself and definately not for you. I do however believe that perhaps the purpose for your search is like mine - to get answers. If I were in your shoes, I would be be there for my parents, without a doubt. They were there for you all of your life and you should be there for them. I'd put the bfamily on the back burner for now and dedicate myself to my parents. Those are just my personal feelings. You will have to set your own priorities in your life. I wish you the best.

[oceanlover]

Thank you!

[Jo Ellen]

As an adoptee reunited with my bparents I have had it explained to me that once a reunion has taken place we are never fully our aparents nor our bparents children. We are living with one foot in each relationship no matter the depth of the relationship and once we are there.... there is no backing out....not completely. What I have learned is that as with any relationship this all takes time and it is best to be understanding of everyone involved realizing that we all handle our emotions about it differently. Although I know my bmom wasn't there to take care of me had she been given the chance she would have been but I believe society took that away from her but in my heart she will always be my mother. Every adoptee has two mothers and two fathers whether we know them or not. Ocean best wishes to you and your bmom as you continue through this journey. I know it is a difficult one as they all are.

[txrnr]

This is my personal opinion, if it helps you, GREAT, if not, feel free to disregard it. I think sometimes God gives us these difficult relationships to help us grow, and to show us parts of ourselves that are good, and things we need to work on. (I hate that part). Maybe he's teaching you patience, understanding, or just giving you some answers that are to questions down the road, who knows? Just know that all things work for his purpose, and he'll always be there, especially when it seems he is far away. I'm convinced everything has a purpose, even if it's one we will never understand. I pray you'll get answers, or at least a peace about things, and that your birthmom's heart will soften towards your family, and towards herself as I imagine much of this is her feeling guilty.

[Tazer]

Originally Posted by wishfulthinker

Personally, I think that it's not a good idea to enter a search with the ultimate goal being a relationship. My goal is to get answers and to put everyone's mind at ease. Our bparents are strangers to us, afterall. I feel that my parents are the ones who raised me, the ones who were always there for me. In my mind, making a baby does not make one a parent. A parent is the person who cares for and raises a child.

I cannot and will not claim to know "God's purpose" for myself and definately not for you. I do however believe that perhaps the purpose for your search is like mine - to get answers. If I were in your shoes, I would be be there for my parents, without a doubt. They were there for you all of your life and you should be there for them. I'd put the bfamily on the back burner for now and dedicate myself to my parents. Those are just my personal feelings. You will have to set your own priorities in your life. I wish you the best.

You have the insight I prayed for when I reunited with my B-daughter. I honestly think no one needs to enter reunion with an agenda; no expectations, no motives, no desire to recapture, not even a desire to share reasons behind the placement...just meet, greet and let it flow.

My daughter says the most difficult thing she's ever heard since discovering she was adopted was that I had no regrets. What I wanted her to hear is that "even though it was very painful for me to place her it was worth it if it gave her a better life;" what she heard was "no matter what anything was better than having to raise you"...

I gave birth 3 weeks ago to my son; I have sat quietly and observed how his family interacts with this new member. It's so strange but my parents and d/h parents came (they are out of state) and saw him separately and not only bought him almost identical gifts but made identical statements to and about him. It's what people do when a new member joins the family. This tiny baby came with no past and no expectations. It's so different with my daughter. She is molded by her past and she has expectations that I can never hope to meet. My son just accepts that I'm the one who gets up at 2am and gives him a dry bottom and warm milk and I rock him gently back to sleep. My daughter wants me to accept the blame for every rotten moment in her life. She demands so much more than I can give.

I wish I'd offered her a history instead of a future. I wish I'd left her medical history and not my contact info. Today my therapist asked if I loved my daughter...wow, after 5 minutes she passed me a piece of paper and asked if I wanted to write my answer and if I needed to keep it a secret for now, even from her. At first I did but when I picked up the pen to write it out; I realized I was safe here, no one would blame me, curse me, judge me no matter what I said. I looked at her and boldly stated NO! I do not know how to love a stranger. I did love her once, I tried to now but today my answer is no. This reunion has left both of us shattered and I regret that. I wish it were easier....Tracy

[oceanlover]

I'm sorry for your experience. However, I'm thankful for mine and that I have an ongoing relationship with my bmom and we pray things through. I know she DOES love me, and reading your response has made me appreciate that more. Relationships take work to make them work and time and God's handiwork. Sometimes it's the person's mindset that needs renewing and healing so we don't blame them or ourselves. Your daughter is grown, your son is an infant and obviously needs you in ways she doesn't.

I wish you the best. Take care.

[Tazer]

Originally Posted by oceanlover

I'm sorry for your experience. However, I'm thankful for mine and that I have an ongoing relationship with my bmom and we pray things through. I know she DOES love me, and reading your response has made me appreciate that more. Relationships take work to make them work and time and God's handiwork. Sometimes it's the person's mindset that needs renewing and healing so we don't blame them or ourselves. Your daughter is grown, your son is an infant and obviously needs you in ways she doesn't.

I wish you the best. Take care.

Oceanlover...I am so happy that your relationship with your B-mom is a good one, I am happy for both of you. I wanted and prayed for that with me and Jessica but it's just not something she wants or is willing to accept from me at this point and I can't force it. The hardest thing I have ever had to do was to let go of her when she was just 5 days old and now I find myself having to do it all over again and it is killing me; but it is what she wants. I am the mother of 4 kids; 16yo twin girls, a 3week old son and 23yo Jessica. I know they have different needs and I am prepared to meet each of them as the need arises but J has indicated that she no longer wants to be a part of my life unless I can accept her negative behavior, her ranting and raving, her threats and even her drug use and I cant. I wouldn't accept that in any of them. I've offered her help and she refuses so my hands are tied.

My mom says Tray, you do love her, it is a different love but it is love. I don't know. Maybe it isn't the unconditional love a mother is supposed to have, but it's love. I haven't dealt with any of the issues she has with her sibs, yet. I don't know how I'll react when or if my other kids act out this way. I wish we'd have met under better conditions. Tracy

[djvj]

ocean and tazer, my heart goes out to both of you...i really hear the pain in both your threads.

[Jackiejdajda]

oceanlover

I just want to know if there's anyone out there who has experienced anything similar and what resolutions, if any, are there, especially from a Christian standpoint. This has been a long-standing issue with me. What is God's purpose for me finding her, doing all the work yet never to have a deeply meaningful relationship and friendship w/out my sibling feeling insecure & threatened and speaking false negatives about me. I know I cannot change people or their perspectives, only God can. But for the sake of wanting to fulfill God's overall purpose for my life and this relationship, how do I handle this touchy subject, or do I just not say anything, realizing it's not my issue but hers, also realizing the relationship may never be what I'd like it to be, because of it.

I think you have said all the right words here..
When I read your story I thought that your birthmom is still in resentments.. and there is nothing you can do to get her out of the resentments..
It was her against society maybe back then.. and she moved to get away from the loss of her other child leaving you behind but IMO she did not think it through and does not really get it that you were going through some real hard issues..
She may have abandoned herself and in turn abandoned you..

Take responsibility for our actions twelve steps say.. it’s the way out..
I do not think your birthmom has done this and learning that you can accept this may be what God’s lesson is..

Jackie

[CaddoRose]

Originally Posted by oceanlover

This deeply hurts me and I want to tell her that she's in denial and we can't move forward in a meaningful relationship until she can appreciate and respect my family for what they are and were to me: a gift.

Considering what you have written about the details of your story, it seems that your bioMom has a version of the events in her mind that satisfies her need to remember things a particular way. In her mind, no matter what evidence you would provide to the contrary, she will not see the truth that you see. It's called revisionist history.

Perhaps there is a way to make her understand that our family did not create the situation that led to your adoption, but it may require you to be strong enough to put your foot down about her treatment of your family. Only you can decide how to achieve that goal. You deserve respect from her in how she refers to or treats your family. Don't let her dictate the terms that would make you do something you don't want to do. Only you could give her that power.

[kakuehl]

How much unconditional love has your mother experienced in her life? Or your sibling for that matter. My God-given role, as I understand it, is too love unconditionally as I am loved by God. You need to recognise that you may never have the kind of relationship that you want, because unless your bmom changes that will not happen. That does not mean you need to let your bmom verbally abuse your amom and family. Have you tried responding, "I'm sorry you feel that way. My adoptive parents rescued me from the foster care system and have shown me nothing but love and I love them dearly. I will not listen to you talk about them this way. Let's talk about something else." Then change the subject. If you can be consistent, she will eventually learn not to talk about it. (Recognise that she may never change what she believes.)

Keep reminding her that you can't change the past. You do have today. We are formed by our pasts but we don't have to be controlled by them. As Christians we believe that with God all things are possible and that we can change. Keep praying for your bfamily and Jesus didn't give up on people but he also didn't let others control how he acted.

You are in my prayers.

[PatientPersistence]

My older half-sister was adopted when she was a baby. My mother, me and my older brother were united with her a few years back. It has been bad between her and I since then (that was in 1995), as she hates me for NOT having been put up for adoption. She is angry at my mother for keeping me and not her. Thing is, her adoptive family was FAR better than mine was growing up (due to my father), and she'd have had a terrible life had my mother kept her. She'd have been treated like the "bastard child" by my fathers family at least (my parents met and began dating while the court proceedings were going on relinquishing my mothers custody and rights of my sister).

Since 2003 I have had no contact with her. She is venomous and abusive towards me and takes great joy in making my life unpleasant. I really was hoping for a different outcome.


Also, my ex-sil was adopted.

She has since met her b-mother and siblings and she too has, for the most part, lost contact with most of them. She expected far more than she was going to get (she wants what she wants when she wants it without delay or exception) and has caused various issues in that family due to her behavior. She wanted to be her younger sisters big sister (including relentless teasing, being mean like pushing one of them into the swimming pool while fully clothed at a family get together in front of several others and then laughing at her, etc) without earning and working on a place in the family.

For years she imagined my mother was her real b-mother, which she is not; wrong year, location, everything. She too has had bouts of jealousy because I am my mothers daughter.


I think the key with adoption reunions is to remain mindful that relationships take years to build. Children raised with the bio-parent(s) will be bonded to them and children / siblings that were put for adoption need to give the time needed to build those relationships up.

I think going in with no expectations or fantasies of what it will be like helps. Be open to whatever you find. Be prepared to meet, spend a little bit of time with them, then to go on with your life without them. It could happen that way.

I know I am new here, and that this may have irritated some, but I hope you trust that I am just sharing my experience and not implying anything. It is different for every person involved with this stuff.

[dpen6]

Again its about what peoples needs and wants are in a reunion. Many adoptees don't want a mother/child/sister/brother realtionship. They may just want to start out as people getting to know each other.

I know I don't like it when everyone just expects in a reunion that everyone needs to act and love like "Family"...for heavens sake you are all strangers.

Personaly I didn't want and resented that these newly found people were "my family"..they are not, they are people that are biologically related to me, biological strangers. Everything else has to work as if its day one but without the ability of the biofamily to mold the child into theire biology. that has been lost and to never be regained. The person that was adopted is the one that has had to do the most adjustment in terms of having a family that is NOT bioligically related.

so I think to try to change your bmoms preceptions of her situation is futile. She NEEDS to beleive that she is not wrong and everyone else in the situaion is ALL wrong...including you. She is trying to protect herself from her own actions. I beleive that you need to protect yourself and do as Kathy says...politly tell her you are not listening to that garbage and if she can not repsect your feelings about your parents then boundries need to be made.

[wishfulthinker]

[quote=dpen6]Again its about what peoples needs and wants are in a reunion. Many adoptees don't want a mother/child/sister/brother realtionship. They may just want to start out as people getting to know each other.

I know I don't like it when everyone just expects in a reunion that everyone needs to act and love like "Family"...for heavens sake you are all strangers.

Well said...