[Jan18]

I was hoping to get some insight from birth mothers about meeting your child's adoptive parents. I've been in reunion with my bmom for over 3 years. We are very much a part of each others' lives. My mom will be visiting me soon (she lives in a different state), and she does not want to meet my parents. My amom is disappointed and doesn't understand why. I can understand both of my moms' feelings. Just wanted to know how long it took some of you to meet your child's aparents and what was the meeting like.

Thanks for any input!

[bprice215]

Wow! I can relate for I have no desire to meet my daughters aparents, and as far as I know they wish the same. Different strokes for different folks I guess. Best of luck to you sweetie.
bprice215

[kathy79]

My reunion with my bson is almost a year old and in the beginning it felt like we were running a marathon. Our first contact was 7/11/07 and the 1st f2f was labor day. Then my family traveled to Ohio to spend Thanksgiving with my bson and family, aparents, grandmother and their bio son and his family.

YES I wanted to meet the aparents but I was extremely nervous. Not to mention we were meeting over a holiday!! I had some email contact with aparents before Thanksgiving and they couldn't of been any nicer and supportive. But I still wondered what if....a lot!!

Well I guess they liked me because last week the aparents, bio son and his family stopped by for 2 days while they were on vacation. This was their 1st time here but the 5th time we have gotten together. I think the world of his aparents but I do find that being around them still hurts because it reminds me of what I have missed and will never have with my bson. Everything is NORMAL for them but I'm still searching for that NORMAL place.

It turned out that the adad was a teacher in my high school!!! We scrolled through my old year books during their visit!

[dpen6]

I think its because their own fears get in the way.

I know myself that the best validation of me and my life would be if both families could see how important it is to the adopted person for them to get along for the sake of me. It would validate the whole reason for my adoption to begin with...you know "the sake of the child" mentatility.

Way back when I first started the whole reunion road my fantasy would be that we all had a big party and everyone respected the other without the fears and insecurities(of both sides) getting in the way. I think occasionaly some people are able to do that based upon some of what I have read here. But it is rare just because humans are what they are.

Funny this should come up today. I had a grad party for my daughter this W/E i had abirthfamily membet (aunt) come. I was thrilled she was there and she was too. But the reaction fr0om some of my family was well, surprising. My asiblings were kind of aloof. that I can understand as it may have brought up some of their own issues. But the aloofness of other friends and family kinda floored me. I think they were uncomfortable with it. I wasn't, she wasn't so why should they? Because of the ingrained attiudes. My family I beleive was being loyal to my mom (who is dead) and my dad who was there. BTW...HE is fine with it. This was a bio aunt....the mothers were not even involved in it as they are both dead. My kids were even uncomfortable with it.

nobody wants to talk frankly about adoption...its a big elephant in the room. I think its because the attitudes that persist that the child/ adult should just keep up the status quo, don't rock the boat as to many OTHER people will be uncomfortable.its crazy.

I felt kinda bad for my aunt, my in-laws were very good to her(surprisenly) but my family kept away. She was an aunt, not my biomom so what was the problem? The fact that I may have wanted to acknowledge blood relations? That was threatening to them in some way? It kind of confirmed my suspicion that adoption really is about everyone else except the one that it should be about. Well into adulthood.

[bprice215]

I've never consider your point of view and I'm not sure why. It's not that I wouldn't want to meet my daughters aparents because I would be willing to meet them and I am aware that I'd be at my best because it would be so very important to my daughter. You raise some very interesting points that I must consider. Thanks for opening my eyes and best of luck to you too.
bprice215

[dpen6]

bprice,

Its all so hard to figure out. I know you are trying and I know you are very respectful of everyone. I really wish you the best in your relationship with your daughter. You desreve it!

[Dickons]

Secrets destroy...

Why would an adoptee who has a good relationship with their adoptive families not want to include their adoptive family in their new birth family relationship.

Why would a birth family member not want to know the family their child was raised in? The child received the 'nature' from their birth family and 'nurture' from their adoptive family...two families...one child...one family.

Secrets, ego, jealousy, envy, pain of loss, has no part in a family, any family. Sharing the good and getting through the rough parts together is being family.

We are adopted into a family. We are brought up in that family. We want to know our birth family. Secrets created the divide, truth disolves that divide.

Love of the child is the reason to meet. If you want to be part of a persons life you cannot dictate to them what part you want or the person cannot talk about...that is not a relationship it is called control and is the basis of a false relationship. The child who was put up for adoption should not have to hide their adopted life from the birth family or vice versa...the child has two families...secrets and half truths destroy.

My family is my family and it is made up of two families. To deny one family because the other wishes me to do so would be a lie which in my opinion is simply the same word for secret. I could not and would not hide one from the other...there is no reason to hide...that is what was and now we have a chance to be open and honest to all, the good, the bad, and the ugly.


Kind regards,
Dickons

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by Dickons

Secrets destroy...

Why would an adoptee who has a good relationship with their adoptive families not want to include their adoptive family in their new birth family relationship.

Why would a birth family member not want to know the family their child was raised in? The child received the 'nature' from their birth family and 'nurture' from their adoptive family...two families...one child...one family.

Secrets, ego, jealousy, envy, pain of loss, has no part in a family, any family. Sharing the good and getting through the rough parts together is being family.

We are adopted into a family. We are brought up in that family. We want to know our birth family. Secrets created the divide, truth disolves that divide.

Love of the child is the reason to meet. If you want to be part of a persons life you cannot dictate to them what part you want or the person cannot talk about...that is not a relationship it is called control and is the basis of a false relationship. The child who was put up for adoption should not have to hide their adopted life from the birth family or vice versa...the child has two families...secrets and half truths destroy.

My family is my family and it is made up of two families. To deny one family because the other wishes me to do so would be a lie which in my opinion is simply the same word for secret. I could not and would not hide one from the other...there is no reason to hide...that is what was and now we have a chance to be open and honest to all, the good, the bad, and the ugly.


Kind regards,
Dickons

awesome post dickens and oh so true!

[zxczxcasdasd]

M did not want to meet me, or see us, either time that she and J have gotten together, but he made it a condition of the visit both times. We weren't with them the whole time because the visits always included days that they were able to go off and spend time without us. He was not willing to accept an arrangement from her that included rejection of us based on fear, and frankly I think he would have stood up to us just us much if we had tried to refuse to meet her or force him to compartmentalize his life.

I have read much, however, of adoptees who find it too stressful to have both aparents and baparents in the same place and also bparents and aparents who prefer not to meet. Reunion is hard and everyone does the best they can and copes in the way they know how.

For me, my perspective was that as much as it pains me that I am not who gave birth to J (an understatement, it rips my heart out), that is the reality, our reality, and so to try to block her out from my life felt dishonest and unfair to my son.

I can't speak for birth parents or adoptive parents who don't want to meet up and I hesitate to judge anyone because adoption can be hard for everyone involved. But I do resonate with Dickons' first 2 questions. Despite the personal pain and fear involved for both ends, I don't understand refusing to meet.

[stinky_kitty]

I think in some cases (like mine) if there was a history of some less than nice things that were said/done over the years prior to reunion, it is totally understandable why some 1st parents might not want to meet with the adoptive parents. However, regardless of what happened in the past I will be meeting my son's adoptive parents in the very near future and can only hope for the best.

[Jan18]

Thanks for your responses. My mom is here now. I am scanning them while I wait for relatives to come (her family...my bfamily). I am sure there will be a time in my daughter's life...high school graduations, first communion...that they are all going to be together. I think for my mom, the hurt of not being able to raise me is still very close to her heart right now. In time...we'll see. I think she is unease due to social status (me being raised in a wealthy family and she being a hard working class woman). My aparents are not judging, but she knows they are very conservative, she is afraid of what they would think of her. I tell her not to worry but....

Oh well, maybe some day!

[RavenSong]

I reunited with my son shortly after his 18th birthday. He was very scared of meeting me and asked both his parents to come with him. So we all met up for the first time in a nice restaurant. I was extremely nervous that I wouldn't "pass muster", but his parents handled the whole evening very graciously. There were a few awkward moments, but all in all, it turned out great. After dinner, they invited me back to their home so that I could look at photographs and get to know them a little better.

The first few years in reunion, I often spoke with his mom on the phone. My son was dealing with a drug addiction at the time, and it was important for the adults in his life to be "onboard" with each other in order for our son to recover. (He now has more than 14 years of being clean and sober.) It wasn't always easy dealing with his parents, but I knew I had to try to build a positive relationship with them for our son's sake.

I'm not in contact with his parents anymore, mainly because I moved out of the area. But I'm comfortable enough around them that I would enjoy seeing them both again.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I reunited with my son shortly after his 18th birthday. He was very scared of meeting me and asked both his parents to come with him. So we all met up for the first time in a nice restaurant. I was extremely nervous that I wouldn't "pass muster", but his parents handled the whole evening very graciously. There were a few awkward moments, but all in all, it turned out great. After dinner, they invited me back to their home so that I could look at photographs and get to know them a little better.

Wow! Sounds like a carbon copy of our first meeting. I think in our case her fear wasn't of passing muster but of how she feared we might treat her and the situation in general. We too had a couple awkward moments, but I'm glad that we all learned that none of us bite and that we can enjoy a nice evening together. Same evening for us- dinner, then back to our house for pictures, etc.

I'm glad your first meeting went as well as ours did.

[agathaj]

For me it's about my relationship with my bchild. I respect her parents, they are good people, they have a lovely family etc but I have no desire to meet up with them. Most of my friends have never met my parents, it's not a condition of our friendship - BTW I have no desire to meet their parents either...that's how I look at it. I am grateful everyday that her parents lover her etc...

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by zxczxcasdasd

Wow! Sounds like a carbon copy of our first meeting. I think in our case her fear wasn't of passing muster but of how she feared we might treat her and the situation in general. We too had a couple awkward moments, but I'm glad that we all learned that none of us bite and that we can enjoy a nice evening together. Same evening for us- dinner, then back to our house for pictures, etc.

I'm glad your first meeting went as well as ours did.

Heidi, when I read your response and saw your San Diego avatar, I had to check your profile to make sure you weren't my son's mom, lol! I am a native San Diegan (Pacific Beach), but moved up to the Sierra foothills a few years back. (And I miss the ocean like you wouldn't believe!!) Anyway, my kiddo grew up in San Diego too, and that is where our reunion took place.

I'm glad your experience was positive like mine was! I think having a good relationship between aparents and bparents makes the reunion go so much smoother on everybody. It has always been very important to me that my son not feel like he has to choose between us. By me getting to know and respect his parents, I think DS didn't have to struggle as hard with conflicting loyalties as some reunited adoptees do.