[yehudit]

Hello,

My husband and I are in the process of adopting and we plan to adopt a baby. We already have a 4 year old who is our biological child.

My question is this: In your experience, how open should an adoption be? Is it really good for a child to know about their birthparents, or is it confusing/destructive? Are you happy with the amount of openness in your adoption?

I've also asked this in the adoptive parents forum, but I want the perspective of an adult who's been through this as the adoptee.

[white_elephant]

I am 42, just found out about my "non family"! I say that because I wasn't told I had been "blended unofficially back into the assumed birth fathers family" These people though they were actually partially my blood family, or so they say. Now they deny me altogether simply becasue I want the truth. So that means I have no family! I got the horrific deed of figuring it out on my own, by my own memory of all that didn't ever makes sense! Now I am abandonded and rejected over and over! Every one was lying to me for my own good! I can't tell you what a contradiction in terms that is to me, not to mention how mind bending, heartbreaking and emotionally disturbing!
I encourage you to not deceive anyone.
There are many good ways to lovingly let a child know about their situation that is supportive all throughout their and your lives. This is a life long event. Be loving and be honest, go through it with them. There are sites that are very helpful about it. The very last thing you want to do is be found to be deceitful by your family, and that includes your bio child!
Being honest is not eliminating feelings and pain of it, it is living in reality of what is going on. This takes strong mature people to live out this commitment. God bless you in your decisions.

[Helpus]

As a baby I was adopted and from when i can remember my adopted mother and father told me a story about how i came into there life and became theirs...now looking back at the story it was a story that I could understand as a child.
The story began that my Amom and Adad went into a room full of many many babies and they picked me out of all the babies, because they knew that the would love me and keep me safe.
I am very happy that they told me that story at such a young age (they have told me that since i can remember) cause it helped me accept it and understand it s I became older. And as a parent to a 6 year old and trying to adopt also I too will tell our child the exact same story.
I thank my APaents everyday for the life they have given me and I also thank god everyday that my birthmother made the decision that she made.
Good luck to you and if you ever have any questions please just ask!

[hrisme]

Originally Posted by yehudit

My question is this: In your experience, how open should an adoption be? Is it really good for a child to know about their birthparents, or is it confusing/destructive? Are you happy with the amount of openness in your adoption?

There is no good answer here, because every situation is different. I think the best answer is that an adoption should be as open as the birth parents and adoptive parents are comfortable with--a placement should not occur unless both sets of parents are in agreement about what level of contact they desire & are willing to allow. After placement the number one factor in any situation is what is in the best interest of the child. I believe the lines of communication between both sets of parents should be maintained, except in the most extreme of situations, so that the child has the ability to initiate contact if they desire to do so. For some children, frequent visits are enjoyable & reassuring, for others the visits can be confusing & upsetting and it's best to keep things at letters & pictures.

In my case, I am angry that there was not more access to information and family history. I think I had a right to this, and it was denied. I think it would have been wonderful, for my birth mother's sake, if she could have received updates on how I was doing. However, because both my birth parents had schizophrenia, an open placement with visits would probably have been extremely difficult.

[ocracoke]

I am an adult adoptee but I was not adopted as a baby. I was placed for adoption at age 7 years. So it was not like my aparents could hide that I was adopted -- not that they would have anyway. But I will say that in my opinion honesty is always best. My parents always answered my questions if they knew the answer. They let me talk about it when I needed too. They supported my search when I was an adult. As a result there was never really a surprise or shock about my adoption. I always knew about what I could understand. And that is now what I am doing with my 3 year old daughter. We talk about her bio parents -- she doesn't get it yet but we talk about it anyway. She knows she was not born to me -- she doesn't get that either. I don't want it to be a shock to her. I want her to be proud of our connection. Honesty.

Samantha

[resa1968]

Hello, I Was Told That I Was Adopited At Age 6
At First I'm Sure I Did'nt Understand That But As I Got Older I Did..i'm 40 Now And I'm Glad That I Was Told About My Mother

[martyred4love]

I was adopted through a closed adoption as baby, but my aparents always told me that I was adopted. They had a childrens book about adoption they would read to me. I was always glad they were honest with me. I don't know how things would have been if it was an open adoption or if my aparents even knew my bmom's name. My abrother was also adopted but his was open. My aparents had to fight to keep him as she later decided she wanted him back despite that she was in no position to be a mother and still isn't. My aparents didn't tell him any identifying info until he was sixteen. At that point he started his search and eventually found out that she was in jail. They wrote letters while she served her time. Once she got out he ending up living with her for a while and having a really bad experince and now doesn't talk to her. He thought finding her would solve all his problems and make him feel perfect. He won't let go of the bmom he imagined and accept the reality of his real one. He wants her to be a role model for him because he fears that he will inevitably be just like her. Now she just calls my aparents for money from time to time and asks to talk to him but he rarely will and it never ends well. My amom did talk to his bpaternal grandfather and it answered a lot of questions about my abrothers genetic and medical history.

[jrainbow]

Although I was adopted in the 50's in a closed adoption, I was always told I was adopted. My aparents didn't know much about my parents - just nonidentifying information. But they told me what they knew - when it was age appropriate. They started out telling me my adoption story - how we became a family. And they told me that my bparents loved me but just couldn't raise me. But most of all, they told me they loved me and that we were all meant to be a family. And that I was their child.

Although I never forgot I was adopted, I felt safe and loved and definitely part of our family. Good luck.

Jill

[cksmom]

I was adopted at birth in a closed adoption in 1970. I always knew I was adopted as my parents told me the "how they got to pick me" story very early. I LOVED hearing that story. That part was good.

The part that I wished was different was having zero information about my birth family. Things are more open now and handled differently. My birth mother is in a lot of pain because she was told to forget about me and the placement. She never told her husband of 36 years. So this is the part that hurts alot of us adoptees from the closed era. We are still a secret.

As a pp mentioned, the openess of the actual adoption is a personal choice between the afamily and bfamily and what both can agree to be comfortable with. I believe that the adopted child can truely benefit from having contact with his bmother throughout his life.

[Soule]

I perosnally have grown up knowing I am adopted and all though I have some issues regarding adoption, i have no issues about being adopted.

Tell them when they are small, let them know that they are very special, perhaps make a day out of the adoption day, my parents used to give e a card and cook a special meal to mark it.

I can not remember being told but I have grown up knowing that I was adopted, and I think that is the best way it develops an open relationship. If told in the right way a young child will grow up feeling content and special, as opposed having a bombshell when they are older.

[farn23]

I did not know I was adopted growing up and just found out 2 years ago(im 23). It has certainly been somthing I have had trouble comming to terms with. I accept the fact that I am adopted but I feel really out of place now and because I am an adult - Im finding it hard to get support. My aparents seem to believe that I should just be able to deal with it and be fine. I definately recommend you be open and honest from the earliest point possible, thats just my opinion.

[stickerprincess]

I was adopted as a baby and my parents decided for me (as well as my older brother who they'd adopted from another family four years before) that they'd tell me I was adopted as soon as they figured I'd understand what they were saying. I specifically remember my mom and brother taking me out onto our back porch one day (I was no older than 3) and the pained look on my mother's face as she said "You were adopted." My brother piped up, "That means you didn't come from mommy's tummy." All I can really remember after that was thinking "What does adopted mean?" Over time and with some questions, I figured out that it meant that I came from another person who couldn't take care of me but that this was still my family who loved and cared for me...I just happened to come from another place. Like anything in our lives, if it is a natural part of who we are and what we know growing up then there really isn't any point in which we feel different. I always knew I was adopted and as I got a little older (around the age of 12) my mother finally showed me all the information they had on my birth mother (which really is not much in a closed adoption). Sure, I always still wondered who I really looked like, if I had any siblings, and if the woman who gave birth to me ever thought about me but there was no moment of grief and anger about being adopted. I would absolutely recommend telling children early...in my case, it was before I even understood what it meant to be adopted, but more than anything my amom always wanted me to know that she loved me more than anything.

[cetalley]

Honesty...Honesty...honesty, Every person in this world deserves no less. I say to ask yourself this question...if it were you. All people alive desrve the respect and honest truth of where they came and of whom they came from. Whe we place a child...it needs only to be told..that at the time their Mother had them, their Mother was not able to parent them...this is for "our" children ...not ourselves. Do so with a lvoing heart and a full open relationship, and the child will never know of mistrust and dishonesty...especially from the parents whom claimed to love them and also raised them!

[Dickons]

My adoption was closed (pretty much all adoptions back then were) so I have no experience with open adoption and whether it is confusing etc. What I do know is that adopted babies grow up to be adults and as an adult we want to know where we come from, who we are, do we look like anyone, why did I not grow up in my birth family. I just wanted to stress the point that so many seem to overlook - we grow up and become adults. Kind regards, Dickons

[Lynard1210]

I believe there are two meanings to "open adoption" . . one is the potential for on-going communciation with the birth family and the othe is the openness in which you talk about the truth of how your child came to be with you. I believe the second part is much more important than the first part. My daughter is 4 and she can already tell you her entire birth story, who carried her in her belly and all sorts of other facts that she has heard. She is the adopted; her older brother is not. There is no ongoing contact with birth parents but I still consider this adoption an open one.

As an adoptee, what I needed growing up that i didn't get was the narrative of my life. I believed i was dropped in a cradle, not carried in a lady's tummy. It is important to paint a picture for your child to visualize and feel the security of knowing he or she may have different roots than you, but that those roots are accepted and respected.