[lilolil]

On passing by I just wondered does anyone else feel agreived by the fact that this particular section of the website seems to want us to feel grateful to be alive.

Yes of course she could have chosen abortin but I don't want to thank her for not doing so... probably because she's mucked up a lot of the rest of my life and a lot of the difficulties I face can be routed right back to the moment I realised I was adopted.

Although i'm sure if my adoption renunion story worked out I would be also singing the praises of the mortal consience and lack of "selfeshness" displayed in "parents" who give their children away as opposed to killing them.

Please pardon the anger - I am very angry!!!! Any comments?

[kakuehl]

Please remember that all our stories are different... If this forum bothers you, don't come here. I find as a birth mom, there are forums I avoid because I get angry when I read the posts. It's not worth it to me, so I just don't go there.

By the way, I wasn't adopted and I've got lots of stuff I can blame my mother for. Somewhere along the way, I realized I was an adult and could take responsibility for myself for the future. (I'm still waiting for the son I raised to reach that conclusion.)

[jrainbow]

My amom died the day before my 50th birthday. From that moment on, 50 didn't seem bad - compared to the alternative. That is kind of the way I think about adoption - what are the alternatives? I know that once a girl is pregnant, and doesn't want to be, there are really no "good" and "easy" choices. She makes the choice based on the facts at the moment - not between great and horrible but between bad, worse, and horrible.

I don't know your story and I'm positive that you have lots of reasons for being angry. You may not ever feel grateful that your bmom made the choice for you to be adopted but I wish you peace with the facts of your story. Anger is really hard on your insides.

[lilolil]

Thanks Rainbow... my story is descirbed in my last posts. Perhaps its my upbringing which forces me to question the need to thank someone for the gift of life... I'm grateful to my parents who raised me. They gave me the gift to a fair life.
In relation to ur post Kakeuhl... if I don't like reading the posts don't come here? Is a forum not open to every opinion. As much as I respect where ur coming from, pls respect me and my opinions. I'm happy ur responsible for your own actions. As am I. If ur not adopted, then you can't relate to my feelings. I'm not a birth mother and in that respect, I cannot completely understand how u feel reading my post. If for some reason i have offended you personally I apologise.

I don't feel like an "adopted person" so therefore I don't feel grateful to my birth mother... nor do i blame her for her actions. She made the right decision for her but it impacted on my life and was completely out of my control

[txrnr]

Aren't there a lot of things in life that are out of our control and have nothing to do with being adopted?

I am extremely grateful to my birthmom, for she made what I assume is a tough decision. She was the first one who decided I had a future, and she was going to give it to me. Without that first act, I would not have had the great life and fantastic parents I do.

This part of the site doesn't bother me in the least. There was one other option besides abortion, and that was parenting. My bmom was 14 when I was conceived, 15 when I was born. I think she made a great choice, and I only pray she does too.

Please read what kakuehl said again. She's one of the kindest, most open members I've seen here. She's a wealth of information and support and never pushy with advice. I think she was only trying to help when she said to avoid the forums that upset you. I think we all have those areas.

I hope you get some great feedback, and good luck with your journey.

[belleinblue1978]

I'm going to second txrnr. Kakeuhl gives great advice.

You know, I have never felt like I need to be gareatful to anyone that was involved in my adoption. My firstmom gave me a start in life, what is what a mom does. My adoptive mom took care of me, also what a mom does. Heck, my adoptive mom still takes care of me, says she that just had help mowing and doing all kinds of things.

I don't think my son needs to be greatful to me for doing what I felt I had to do.

If this forum in particular hurts you, this one, the thanks for life one, don't read it. There are forums that I don't read b/c I can handle them and there is no shame in that.

[kakuehl]

Thanks Txrnr, and Belle,

Lilolil, my point was simply that there are all kinds of forums here. Not all of them will be for everyone. I assume that there are adoptees who are grateful and that's why the forum exists. As I said, I do post all over the place, but I tend to avoid the forums that feed my anger.

I see no reason why my birth son should feel grateful to me anymore than my other 2 children should be grateful to me. It's certainly not something I look for. I only know that I love ALL my children dearly and want the best for them. Having been irresponsible enough to become pregnant in the circumstances I did, I acted in as responsible a manner as I could. D's birth was not planned, that doesn't mean I haven't always loved him. I personally am grateful that he chosen to let me be part of his life now and I am grateful to his parents who raised him.

[lilolil]

Hi guys
I truly am sorry if I've caused offence to anyone. I completely understand why you think I shouldn't post here. And I am sure each of you have reasons for avoiding certain parts of the website. And never once rejected advice from kakuehl - so please accept my apologies for any offence caused.

I was going to write more but I will set up a new thread in adoptee support.

[Oceans]

As a birthmom I am willing to accept and even "take on" any feelings he may have about his experience and/or adoption. But of all the possibilities, gratitude is the least palatable.

I don't want a thank you either. JMO

[BrandyHagz]

I had a pretty interesting upbringing - I am a Pre-R v. W adoptee - while it's true, she had a choice and COULD have gone out and had an illegal abortion - it just wasn't that easy.

While adoption has played a roll in who I am (how can it not?!) - I don't blame adoption for my parents bad parenting...that allows them a copout in my opinion. Bad parents who cause bad childhoods are just bad parents...

It really has nothing to do with me being adopted - and everything to do with a failing system, crappy attorneys and bad parents. Bad parents happen to everyone...so lets call a spade a spade...really.

Adoption is one portion of my life, it doesn't define who I am. I choose to be better than that...

[lilolil]

Hi Oceans
Thanks for the reply - I've just had a look at your blog and congratulations on your engagement!! i'm recently married myself =) hope wedding preparations aren't too stressful

I think your letter to K was extremely open and fair and heart warming. I feel like maybe i'm invading your space by commenting on it but it just comes across as a lovely way to introduce yourself and I think it's important that you explained that your life is happy and you'll be ok if he doesn't want to continue writing to u. I hope he does though!!

Best of luck - I really hope it works out for you
xx

[lilolil]

Hi Brandy

I do agree with you... I think your environment plays a huge role in ur life. Therefore when I met my birth mother I didn't see her as a mam - like a piece of the familial puzzle which'd been missing for years. She was a woman who desperately wanted to meet me and I was curious. When we met we then became friends.

I don't believe in blaming being adopted on having issues in life... though in my case meeting my bmother did have repurcussions... but not because she was my bmother. I hope that makes sense.

So what did Bob do on ya?? :-p

[BrandyHagz]

Maybe that's where we're different - I never 'met' my birth mother. I had an open adoption - I've just always known her.

I did recently connect with my birth father for the first time though, which was strange. I guess I don't hold anything against him (nor do I hold anything against my birth mother) because he never knew about me.

I was quite a shock..*poof* 34 year old daughter. It was difficult for him.

[Oceans]

Thanks lil -

P.S. We don't talk about Bob - nobody knows and maybe it's better that way LOLOLOL (just kidding of course - sort of)

[Toff]

I agree, there's no reason to be grateful.