[Janeytwo]

Kathy

Hey there!

I understand that those are the feelings of the persons who post there and they need to express them. That doesn't mean I need to tear myself up by reading them. (So ok, maybe I'm a coward! LOL).

Ah no my dear friend. That's not cowardice, it's smart-thinking. I mean just because a person lives near a toxic waste facility; doesn't mean they should go swimming there! LOL! (Not meant derogatorially in any way to anyone).

I have made some really good friends

Amen!!!

I am remembering a line from the movie Heathers where the main character has just accidentally fed her friend Draino. And she says to her love interest, "Oh my God!! I just killed my best friend"

And love interest says, "Or your worst enemy!!"



Ah yeah! Personal politics; that stuff'll kill ya!!!

Merry Christmas everybody!

[BethVA62]

I understand the conflicting feeling of being grateful for being adopted.
i've said it all at one point or another.

I've heard many adoptees say they would have rather have been aborted, which at times i can completely understand. Then they go to live their daily lives in grief, apathy and sorrow if they can't shake it.

I've heard many say they are so grateful to their aparents they could never repay them.
Then they go on to deny themselves of their first family's love.

I've heard some say they could never be grateful for being adopted when it means to them that they should be grateful to have lost their mother and entire family. Cause one typically could not have been adopted with out loss of family. I'll never be grateful to have lost my family for 40 years.

Like celebrating our birthdays, certainly we should want to celebrate life, but do you have any idea how one just doesn't really feel like celebrating the day they lost their mother? (well if that was the day, it was for us at the second I was born... poof, gone never to lay eyes on one another, not once. My mother wasn't even allowed to see me at birth and I/we should be grateful I was taken for adoption???? My mother didn't choose adoption, it was chosen for her, for us.

As far as being grateful that I was adopted rather than aborted.... The third choice is missing... with adoption or abortion the one thing that they have in common is that we don't get to have our mothers and families in our lives, so to many the choice between the two doesn't really matter.

If I were never born then I couldn't be ungrateful or grateful about anything, so it would be a mute point.

I'm glad to be alive, I can imagine even the non-adopted are grateful for life too.

I will never be grateful towards anyone for having to be adopted.

But I am grateful that out of all the parents I could have gotten, I got good ones, so many of us weren't so lucky.

And I am most grateful that now finally both of my mothers and all of my family members are included in my life. That is what I am most thankful for, MY family, not the loss of my family which "being grateful to be adopted" connotates.

[onewhoisblessed]

Bless you Beth..........I couldnt have said it better!

[Janeytwo]

Dear Kathy,

((( Kathy )))

I wrote this joke a few posts back: Iam remembering a line from the movie Heathers where the main character has just accidentally fed her friend Draino. And she says to her love interest, "Oh my God!! I just killed my best friend. And love interest says, "Or your worst enemy!!"

Anyhoo...since I posted the joke publicly I figured my butt better post this publicly then. Hope ya know that wasn't directed at you. I just have always gotten a chuckle from that line.

Your friend....... "I'll be codependent out in the open whether anyone likes it or not"......... Janey

Love ya bud!

[kakuehl]

Um, Janey... is that why you haven't returned my call??? Am I your best friend or your worst enemy... LOL! You are being silly again, my friend!

[Aussie-Chris]

Originally Posted by BethVA62

My mother didn't choose adoption, it was chosen for her, for us.

I'm hearin ya. My first mums choice was made by her a-parents & the catholic church.

[ripples]

Originally Posted by BethVA62

I've heard many adoptees say they would have rather have been aborted, which at times i can completely understand. Then they go to live their daily lives in grief, apathy and sorrow if they can't shake it.

I've heard many say they are so grateful to their aparents they could never repay them.
Then they go on to deny themselves of their first family's love.

I've heard some say they could never be grateful for being adopted when it means to them that they should be grateful to have lost their mother and entire family. Cause one typically could not have been adopted with out loss of family. I'll never be grateful to have lost my family for 40 years.

Very well said, Beth!

On a similar note, perhaps many people outside the adoption triangle should feel grateful for having been spared experiences similar to the ones you've mentioned.

A study by Hjern and associates (Anders Hjern, Frank Lindblad, Bo Vinnerljung, "Suicide, psychiatric illness and social maladjustment in intercountry adoptees in Sweden: a cohort study" published in 2002) found that, among the Swedish population, after adjustment for major confounding factors, intercountry adoptees were 3.6 times more likely than Swedish-born children to die from suicide, 3.6 times more likely to attempt suicide, 3.2 times more likely to be admitted for a psychiatric disorder, to get involved in drug abuse (5.2 times more likely) or alcohol abuse (2.6 times) or to commit a crime (1.6 times). It may be that the experience in Sweden cannot be directly generalised to other countries, but these figures do give cause for concern.

[BethVA62]

Ripples,
I've read where in the US that adoptees are overrepresented in counseling.

I myself have lost 9 friends to suicide.
8 of them were adoptees.
No telling how many were lost to drinking and drugs.

it is great cause for concern if you ask me.

It's my birthday today, so I am getting hit smack in the face with being grateful for life. And I am. And from some I get: "you should be grateful you were adopted and not aborted."
Tuff day.

! Shouldn't we all be grateful we are alive, that we weren't aborted???? even the non-adopted????

what kind of stupid question is that LOL

Certainly I want to celebrate life today.
I'm lovin life.
But I can't imagine anyone would really expect me to celebrate my birth or my birth event. To celebrate the loss of my mother, which was intended to be a permanent loss. I'll never understand that.

It was a horrific moment for me and my mother. It feels to me like I am expected to celebrate a funeral. A part of my mother and myself died 47 years ago today.
It's something to be mourned, not celebrated.
So today I celebrate life in grief with a fake smile.
Happy Birthday!

[iniowanow]

I have four adult children all adopted as babies. Your birthday is a celebration of you, how important you are, that you are alive. I never viewed birthday celebrations as a celebration of the day my child was born, rather a celebration to show this person is important, the day they were born the world became a better place because they are here. And thank god you were born.

[ripples]

Originally Posted by BethVA62

It feels to me like I am expected to celebrate a funeral. A part of my mother and myself died 47 years ago today.
It's something to be mourned, not celebrated.
So today I celebrate life in grief with a fake smile.

Hey Beth, well said. I can totally relate. Mourn your loss. This is one of the few places where we can - before we have to go out and face the world with our pasted fake smiles of Glorified Gratitude for our mixed blessings.

Saying that adoptees should feel grateful for being alive and not aborted is about as sensitive as saying to a person who's lost their parent to death/suicide/war/some other tragedy/ to feel grateful they won't have to support the parent in their old age. Both comments hold some truth and have an upside but ignore the loss.

[BethVA62]

Ripples, iniowanow
Thanks for your replies. It was a tuff day for me yesterday, as it always is. you'd think it would get better over the years, but it hit me pretty hard this year, which is confusing to me, I can call my mom on the phone now, don't have to send secret telepathic signals anymore. I guess it is all just more real now. Mourning the real thing, not the fantasy of it.

iniawanow, I completely understand what you say and I agree 100%. And I use that type of thinking for power on this day, and most days.
But I have to say, and not in meanness or anger of any sort: you may not have viewed you childrens birthdays as a celebration of the day they were born, but I would bet millions that your children do.

It's sooooooo difficult to ignore when you feel like you feel when you go to the funeral of someone you loved. It's hard to shake the ache in chest, being on the edge of tears all day, sick feeling in the gut, it's the same feeling I had at my first husbands funeral. I was dying inside, but as people came to the funeral and brought hugs, food and gifts to the house I had to work hard to smile for them and thank them with out bursting out in tears or breaking down and hiding in a dark corner. It's the same feeling I have on my b-day. I try really hard to shake it, and I have had 47 years of trying to shake it or "get over it", I manage to suck it up on most of the other days of the year, I don't like it one bit, and once again - hopefully next year will be less intense. May be it's so hard to ignore on my birthday because it reminds me of it and it's sort of like my free day of feeling how I want to, of thinking of my mother and father, but I don't really get to unless I do it secretly for fear of being called ungrateful for life, or hurting adopted families feelings.

like you said Ripples, a day of mixed "blessings", and it is good to be able to express these feelings here, thank you, cause it's not something I do outloud in my world. God forbid I act ungrateful on my birthday.

My amom was shocked a few years ago when I told her how my birthday was difficult for me. She said it was a little awkward for her, because it did make her think of my birth and my mother, you know, birth day - the celebration of the anniversary of my birth. We always chose to celebrate life that day and ignore the rest. Which is good I guess, but it took me 40 years to tell my mom how I felt, and it felt so liberating to share that with her.

She's always been there for me with a card right on time and a call, parties when I was little, she didn't know I was sending telepatic signals to my other mom with every bit of energy in me while I was blowing out candles, til I told her. But she did say she could tell I was stressed when I was little, but hoped it was just from all the people and the activites of the day, but knew deep down that probably wasn't the only reason.

I will always be thankful to my amom for helping me celebrate this day, I know I can depend on her for support, she's never missed a bday, always on time, she's given me love and attention on that day every year which helps so much, even when she didn't know that I was in such horrible pain. My adad too, even tho most of his support came from the chair he sat in while watching activities and eating his cake He always had a pocket knife ready to help open presents lol and on my 30th and 40th he went out by himself and bought me a birthstone ring with lots of diamonds too. I'll never forget that. Gives me a small reason to look forward to the big 50 that is right around the corner.

This is year 8 for me of getting calls, cards and presents from my natural mother and father, and thier families (my families too. I have seen, especially in my dear loving mother, the pain felt over the loss of me. I mourn for their loss too. So as I rightfully mourn my great losses and express my anger and frustration, I've really never been stronger, happier or more content than I am today. Confusing huh.
364 more days til we get to do it all again... hopefully!

[ripples]

Originally Posted by BethVA62

It's sooooooo difficult to ignore when you feel like you feel when you go to the funeral of someone you loved. It's hard to shake the ache in chest, being on the edge of tears all day, sick feeling in the gut, it's the same feeling I had at my first husbands funeral. I was dying inside, but as people came to the funeral and brought hugs, food and gifts to the house I had to work hard to smile for them and thank them with out bursting out in tears or breaking down and hiding in a dark corner. It's the same feeling I have on my b-day. I try really hard to shake it, and I have had 47 years of trying to shake it or "get over it", I manage to suck it up on most of the other days of the year, I don't like it one bit, and once again - hopefully next year will be less intense.

I hear what you said about how hard it is to keep yourself from bursting into tears. We live in a culture whereby open expressions of sadness and grief are taboo and instead we're supposed to put on the ol' stiff upper lip. When it comes to physical pain, eg. a broken leg, people ask all about it, listen to the patient's experience of it, offer comfort and empathy, sign the patient's cast, etc; But when it comes to emotional pain - one is met with dead silence or praise for the griever's (fake) smiles as as 'being strong'.

Sometimes I wish I could openly wail and receive comfort from others the way I've seen on news coverage of grief-stricken people in the Middle East.

As I've learned over the years with grief and loss, for me it actually takes more courage and energy to allow myself to grieve than to bottle it up. But as some have said, the way 'out' is 'through'.

[BethVA62]

You have a good point there ripples

I never really noticed this before, but when my husband lost his mother, to death, he was 45, didn't shed a tear at the funeral or at the get together at the house. Showed no emotions at all and we were very close to her. We were all worried about him, several people even got mad at him for not crying or showing sadness. Everyone including me told him or agreed that if he didn't express his grief over loosing his mom, it would be very unhealthy for him. Everyone seems to know that, it's a given.

I get a different reaction to the loss of my mother, family and friends have never suggested I should grieve the loss of MY mother. They typically tell you to suck it up and be happy. I can't imagine saying that to my husband. After all he has me, I'm like his second mother feels like, my adopted parents have "taken him in" as their son-in law too. And he's gotten plenty of comfort and understanding on his birthday from everyone while he thinks of his mother.

Same emotions, different reaction from the people around you. Go figure.

I guess people think badly of my mother for "giving" me away, even tho she had no real choice. And people must think since I didn't get to meet her(until I was 40), that I shouldn't miss her and don't deserve to be bereft.

this is life

I agree ripples, it's much more difficult to embarrass yourself by showing so called negative emotions than it is to suck it up. Glad I am brave and strong, cause it really feels worth the effort of being a big ol sissy crybaby for a while

[Janeytwo]

Ripples

when it comes to emotional pain - one is met with dead silence or praise for the griever's (fake) smiles as as 'being strong'.

Just wanted to put my kudos in here! Well said!!

[ripples]

Originally Posted by BethVA62

I guess people think badly of my mother for "giving" me away, even tho she had no real choice. And people must think since I didn't get to meet her(until I was 40), that I shouldn't miss her and don't deserve to be bereft.

That could partly be it. I think a lot of people don't know how to deal with and recognize the complex dynamics of adoption loss - hence, the insistence that people within the adoption triangle, especially adoptees, just be grateful.

Have a look at my thread on Unacknowledged (disenfranchised) grief or the writings of Evelyn Robinson on adoption loss http://www.bensoc.org.au/uploads/doc...le-nov2006.pdf

Nancy Verrier, as one of the keynote speakers at an adoption conference noted, perhaps one of the reasons why there is this ongoing disregard of the complexities of loss within adoption is that at some level, we as a society have been inadvertently 'sucked in' into the pervasive myths of adoption. I imagine that it's difficult for many people to face up to the fact that what was originally deemed beneficial, i.e. adoption, has actually resulted in a lot of pain for many. (reference: "Separation, reunion, reconciliation: proceedings from the sixth Australian Conference on Adoption" Brisbane, Australia, June 1997, ISBN: 0646332333)

And there's an even darker side. Whole government policies and societal practices were set up that resulted in the coercion of birth mothers. One only has to read the writings of many birth mothers as to what happened to them. Similarly, in a landmark speech, Australia's government in February 2008 finally officially apologized to the thousands of Aboriginal people, the Stolen Generation, for the past practice of forcibly removing children from their families. Sorry Day and the Stolen Generation - Australia's Culture Portal This Sorry speech generated a lot of intense debate within Australia. While I recognize that the Stolen Generation issues have different complexities that stem far beyond adoption in general, to me it still indicates the level of discomfort that people have in recognising the huge losses resulting from adoption and the widespread forced separation of families. And similar practices still happen today, particularly in poorer countries.

Amidst it all, the continued sugar coating of gratitude endures. It is my belief that until we fully embrace both the pain and the gain in adoption, and all the complexities that they involve for all members of the adoption triangle, that a truly genuine sense of gratitude can emerge. Until then, this 'gratitude' is just plain denial.

Of course adoptees such as you would miss and think of their birthmother during their birthdays and feel sad. This grief and bereavement is real and deserves to be recognized. I say let your 'inner crybaby' have its day!