[buttoneyes]

No, my mother never told me that. My mother could have had an abortion, my grandparents wanted her too, but she hid her pregnancy.

She planned on keeping me, but they sent her away and withdrew financial support when they found out.

She did abort her next pregnancy as she said she could not live through that again. So if my grandparents had found out sooner, I would have been aborted.

I was not wanted by my birthfamily and that would have been much eaiser on them.

[BethVA62]

Originally Posted by buttoneyes

No, my mother never told me that. My mother could have had an abortion, my grandparents wanted her too, but she hid her pregnancy.

She planned on keeping me, but they sent her away and withdrew financial support when they found out.

She did abort her next pregnancy as she said she could not live through that again. So if my grandparents had found out sooner, I would have been aborted.

I was not wanted by my birthfamily and that would have been much eaiser on them.

sounds like we have similar stories
I'm glad our mothers hid us, and wanted to keep us
I'm sad they, and us too, weren't supported by their parents when we needed them to.
I'm glad I got an adopted family that is good to me, and hope you did too.

I'm a firm believer that everyday I'm above ground and still breathing is a good one (so far anyway)

But the thought that we aren't like other people (who also weren't aborted) and don't really deserve to be here....
just isn't sitting well with me.
I don't even know you, but it worries me that you think that. I'm hoping you just got confused by the odd question they've given us.

And to think that when your mother never chose abortion, or adoption, but wanted to keep you? I get really confused.
Just because others die in plane accidents for example, doesn't mean that you don't deserve to be here just because it's possible that you Could have died in an accident too

I get what you mean about surviving, and being thankful for another day.
Hanging on to survivorship when it is past it's time, isn't always a good thing.
Granted I feel like I survive something nearly everyday
For me I'd rather be in the mind set that I am thriving everyday, or at least attempting to, instead of just surviving.

I've had several incidents that were very close calls
I completely get what you mean about appreciating life even more because of it

It's been easy for me to get tangled up in it. Especially when other people with me didn't survive and I did.

It can even make you feel like it's your fault, or that they deserved to live more than you, or if only someone had taken a different route, or a different time, or just did one thing different to change the outcome....

There is a TV show about people that survived shark attacks, accidents, being stranded in the middle of the ocean and such:

I Shouldn't Be Alive....

Just the title always bugged me... if you shouldn't be alive then why are ya?? And who says you shouldn't be alive??
If you are alive, then isn't that what is obviously supposed to be?

My mom could have aborted me
I could have been hit by a car yesterday
I could have slipped on the steps and fell to my demise the day before
But none of that happened to me,
I apparently "deserve" to be among the living.
Some things are just meant to be.

Know what I am trying to say?

[las1965]

I am not sure how I would feel after a bad reunion, but I probably would be blaming myself....Opening a can of worms if you will, but I feel that a HUGE thank you should go out to our birth moms. I was blessed with the most wonderful adoptive parents and never had a desire to search for my bmom. She did what was right for her and me. Sorry your reunion did not turn out well, but that is a chance that is taken.

[kakuehl]

As I reread this thread, I was reminded of a conversation I had with my bson. When his aparents told him I'd contacted them, he said, "She walked out of my life, she needn't thnk she can just walk back in." His adad told me this, saying that it was the most emotion he'd ever expressed about his adoption. At one point im our reationship I tried to talk to him about it. His response was that it's ok, his mom had explained that I could have chosen to have an abortion. (Aargh... it was something I hadn't even considered.)

[shadow riderer]

[quote=las1965]I am not sure how I would feel after a bad reunion, but I probably would be blaming myself....Opening a can of worms if you will, but I feel that a HUGE thank you should go out to our birth moms. I was blessed with the most wonderful adoptive parents and never had a desire to search for my bmom. She did what was right for her and me. Sorry your reunion did not turn out well, but that is a chance that
is taken.[/QUOTE

Well, all I can say isWOW. Maybe you're right. It is all my fault. My failed reunions had nothing to do with the fact that my bio parents had a few issues. It's not like I didn't know the possibility of rejection was a part of reunion. I did open that can of worms, when maybe I should have left well enough alone. Gosh, was I stupid, or what? I should have just been grateful for merely being allowed to be born into this world.

I guess, since I opened that "can of worms", I deserved all the pain and rejection I got from Bmom and Bdad. . Thanks Bmom for not aborting me, because, I guess, I really didn't deserve to be born at all.

I'm glad you had great adoptive parents, feel no need to search or reunite, but not all of us were so lucky. I am glad you feel that your Bmom did what was right for you. I can tell you that I feel the same. My Bmom did what was right for me, even though my adoptive family was by no means functional, but seriously, to say "but that is a chance that is taken", is like saying those of us, who have had disappointing reunions, asked for it and thus deserved what we got.

Just going out on a limb here, and saying that's not really how you meant it, and I'm just being overly sensitive?

[ReOcB42008]

I wrote a poem and placed it in the Grateful forum saying basically just what you did. THANK YOU for having the courage to write your feelings. I hope you don't get punished for it like I did! Take care - ReOc

[BethVA62]

Gee Shadow
If you really didn't deserve to be born at all
Why would you want to thank your mother???!!!????

I would think you'd be angry with her for going against destiny, not grateful.
You might have been born a princess or heir to a great fortune, or born to cure cancer, that is if she hadn't messed with destiny like she did

I think worms are really getting a bad rap around here, or is it just the ones in a can?
I mean, worms are really beneficial, I don't get the discrimination against worms here.

I met my family, so I know they aren't worms, or in a can, just regular people like me.
geesh.

I understand your sarcasm, can't help but share mine.

[shadow riderer]

Ah, Beth, thank you. You brightened my Monday, and put a smile on my face...and so early on a Monday morning. Thank you, I need that lift today. It's a shame we don't live closer, I think you would be a lot of fun to hang out with.

I'm glad I opened that can of worms. I love all the little worms in my can. Even if I've thought about using some of them as fish bait at times, I would never do so. I love them. They are my worms, mud, slime and all. I would open that can again in a heartbeat.

I just don't understand this whole thanking mothers for not having abortions thing. Note; I said mothers and did not specify birthmothers, because it's not like we sit up in heaven, or where ever, with God, owr whomever, and say, "Hey, can you make that married woman my mom, because well I'm just too good to be the child of that unmarried woman." I mean, seriously, what is it, exactly, that an embreo (SP), or let's go back farther, sperm and an egg, can do that is so horrible that it doesn't deserve to form and become a living human being? It's not like that egg and sperm said to their human masters, "Hey, can I meet up with an egg or sperm, which ever the case maybe, from another human, so that I can become a human too?"What can a fetus possibly do that would make it so horrible that it didn't deserve to be born? A fetus cannot lie, steel, kill, or wreck their mother's car after she told them not to drive it. After all, a fetus can't say to the woman carrying it, "Hey, if you don't mind, I know I don't deserve it, but would you carry me for 9 months and then go through hours of labor so that I can live. I think it would be kinda cool to be born. You don't have to keep me if you don't want. I might even amount to something. Look at what Moses did."

IMO, if you were born and are here on earth, you deserved to be born, and don't owe your mom a "thank you for the right to life. You can thank her for not keeping you if you like, for placing you with a great mom and dad, but I just don't understand thanking her for your life, and that's just my opinion. I don't know many women, who have had abortions. I can say that the ones I do know, including my birth mother, did not have an abortion because they thought the child they were carrying did not deserve to live.

[las1965]

I am sorry to have offended you Shadow Rider. I did not mean that those who bad reunions deserved it by any means. I only feel that expecting a happy reunion is unrealistic. They are not always happy, but some are very happy. I have seen both. I just think any adoptee needs to be prepared for the worst. Remember, I am also an adoptee. I am also married to a bdad of 2 by different women. It was a bad year lol. Another story for another time. I have interviewed adoptees of all ages for writings and publications. I have seen all sides, and I always try to imagine myself in those situations, and what I would do. What I say I would do, and what I would actually do may be two different things. Again, I was by no means trying to be insensitive to anyone.

[shadow riderer]

Thank you las. I had a feeling, it was more just a trigger for me, and you didn't mean it that way.Reunions are definitely risky business. Even though mine didn't work out exactly like I had hoped, I don't regret reuniting. For me, the knowing is much better than the not knowing. I would do it again in a heartbeat, but oh, how I would like to do a lot of it differently. As they say, "Hindsight..."

[BethVA62]

Expecting a bad reunion is as unrealistic as expecting a good one.
Not only should one be prepared for the worst, it's wise to be prepared for the best too.
I really think it is realistically impossible to be prepared completely for either or anything in between.
We can try, but until it happens we can only guess what it will really be like.
I've always believed in expecting the best, while being prepared to accept what ever it is that happens.
If I don't expect good things to happen, they usually don't.
Sure it makes disappointment a little easier - if we expect to be disappointed..

Quite often, we work towards getting what we expect.
If we expect nothing, that is exactly what we will work towards acheiving.
Sometimes we get lucky and get more than we expect, it's always good to prepare for that too IMO.
Cards may fall as they will, but we do have some say in how they are played.

I am still shocked at the welcome I recieved from my Dads' family.
And I attempted to prepare for it LOL but it really knocked me to my knees.
I think I was afraid to completely expect it. Just put it out there only as a possibility, not a realistic possibility, or something that would likely happen.
Told myself No expectations... lol yeah right, Now that is unrealistic! LOL

When my Momma denied contact at first, I was crushed like I never imagined, even tho I knew that was a realistic possibility
I was still extremely shocked at how it hit me, even tho I thought I was pretty prepared for it, I couldn't believe it or accept it..
I think when I accepted that I really Did expect a better outcome, it gave me the strength to try and understand why this was happening, deal with my dissapointment and keep trying.
I learned that my momma didn't really have a choice, she didn't decide or choose to give me away, she was forced to surrender me. (Like most unwed moms back when I was born) Yet she still lives with shame, and feels she still doesn't deserve me in her life. It's my intention to change her mind about that one.
Glad I didn't give up, it's beginning to work, it's something I can realistically change.

...I get what you are saying about setting yourself up for a big fall.

And fear of the unknown is just that, fear.

I'll never regret overcoming that fear, never.

[las1965]

I totallly agree with you BethVa. My experience has been that most people go into it expecting a good outcome rather than a bad one, however, you have to be prepared for either way it would go. Don't misunderstand me, I am not expecting a bad reunion, or a good one. I am not even sure I want one.

[kakuehl]

If a birth mother can chime in here, when I contacted D, I don't think I had any expectations. Did I welcome a relationship? Definitely. Had he chosen not to have a relationship with me, I was still further ahead than I had been for over 32 years -- I knew he was alive and well. As far as I was/am concerned, the kind of relationship we have is up to him. I certainly don't expect him to be "grateful" to me for anything.

I have to say to all of you that I had done a lot of "work" on myself. I had allowed myself to grieve. D was not a secret from my family. I have other grown children (who knew they had a half-brother "out there.") I have always believed that adoption was the best decision I could make for him at the time; I love him as I always have. All these thngs enabled me to be ready for a successful (or an unsuccessful) reunion.

I need to say again, each of you is a unique combination of gifts and talents who "deserves" to be born as much as ay other person on this planet. I find it painful to read that some of you believe that because your birth parents were unable/unwilling to parent you that it was somehow your fault or a reflection on you. It was not anymore than it was my mother's fault that she was not the longed for son, but "only" another girl.

[shadow riderer]

Kathy, thank you for saying that. All this talk about expectations in reunion has got me to thinking. I can't say I have ever thought I didn't deserve to live or be born. I have, however, felt undeserving in regards to just about everything else. Would you believe, I actually, at times over the past several years, told myself exactly what LAS posted? (probably why it triggered me) I grew up thinking everything bad that ever happened was my fault: if I had just tried harder, paid more attention, wasn't so stupid, been more whatever, and, yes, even, never been born. Why wouldn't I think the failure of my reunions must be my fault too? Logically, I know better, but things that are subconsciously drilled into you as a child are extremely hard to overcome, especially in stressful situations.

...and that's what got me to thinking:

Just how much do the things we were told as children, not only about ourselves, but our birth parents, and grew up believing, form our expectations when we choose to search and reunite? Rather than get into that on a thread like this, if anyone is interested in exploring this, I will start a new thread in the "Sharing with Others" section. Who knows, maybe it can help someone, who hasn't reunited, and is thinking about it, sort some of their own feelings out and be better prepared?

[BethVA62]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

I need to say again, each of you is a unique combination of gifts and talents who "deserves" to be born as much as ay other person on this planet. I find it painful to read that some of you believe that because your birth parents were unable/unwilling to parent you that it was somehow your fault or a reflection on you.

Yes, thanks for saying that outloud Kathy, it's always good to hear, for some reason, at times I forget for some reason, even tho I know it to be true.

Shadow,
I think a new thread is a good idea, it's something I am interested in exploring/discussing further.

I got triggered from that one too, usually I can deal/understand, but yesterday it was like I found triggers everywhere plus it was a Murphy's Law kind of day for me.
Sometimes I feel triggers like that, especially when coming from anyone who hasn't experienced it, or someone who doesn't live with adoption in their life, sets me back in my thinking like before I met my family. Like a flashback. I too said stuff like ((((las1965)))). I think maybe it scares me when I hear it now, or confuses me for a moment, then makes me angry. Not sure how to put this into words.