[BethAF]

I am an adoptive mom to a wonderful 15 month old boy. My husband and I love him with all our heart.

It is a closed adoption at the request of the birthmother. We received a fairly thorough background on bmom and a limited background on bdad. However, we strongly believe that we know who they are. We're about 99% sure. There are a lot of things that happened during the relinquishment period that I think would be very hurtful for my son to find out in the future. Bdad completely denied paternity and bmom did a couple of things that I think would break any child's heart. So, I guess my question is... do we just stick to the facts about thier basic background info? When he get's older, do we give him the full names of who we think his bio-parents are? Do we ever tell him the circumstances surrounding his adoption? I guess I'm afraid that he'd hate us if we held back info, but would be crushed if he knew some of the other info about his bparents. I also think about what would happen if he went to look for them (which I would support) and they rejected him, or never responded to him.

I guess I just need the advice of people who have been in my son's shoes. He's just a little guy now but I worry about this. I know I can't protect him from every hurt in the world. I just don't want to royally screw up!

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

[Oceans]

You know Beth this is a question I have struggled with in terms of what to tell my son if and when we ever reunite. There are certain things that I don’t feel he ever needs to know. They aren’t really pertinent to his story…

I am also half adopted by a step parent. My mom told me some things about my birthdad to this day I wish I never heard… They were not important with regards to MY relationship with HIM. They were things that had to do with THEIR relationship.

KWIM?

In both my birthmom and adoptee experience, it turns out years later, everyone has grown up. Yes, maybe inappropriate things were said and done back then but they aren’t representative of who any of us are today (my dad, my mom, me or the bdad of my son).

I hate adoption secrets but I think I would put yourself in your son’s shoes. Do you want to hear the story of your own conception for example (for me, this is a big EWWWW!!! lol). Or if your parents weren’t getting along when you were a baby, would you want to know that? Is it really important?

Like I said, I’m struggling with the same question (from another angle) but this has been my conclusion so far. I look forward to reading what other adopted folks have to say…

[jrainbow]

Beth,
I'm an adult adoptee and I agree with Oceans. Stick to the facts - not the guesses, not the editorials, not the he said - she saids. And, as always, age appropriate so that he receives more information as he gets older. I don't think you should hide anything in his file as he gets older and asks - it is written and he will have access to it at some point.

Having a baby and giving it up for adoption is extremely stressful and both bmom and bdad may not react in a way that they are proud of 18 years from now. But, the bottom line, is that his bmom loved him enough to carry him and to give him to people who would love him and raise him when she didn't feel like she could. Nothing should ever outweigh that fact.

Good luck ... and enjoy your son.
Jill

[a6tromblygoo]

I am an adoptee and I think honesty is the best advice. Give him the info when he is ready to hear it. You shouldn't lie, but you can always downplay the information you know. My adoption was closed, but my parents were honest about everything they knew. I have had 2 successful reunions with the support of my parents. The fact that you are being proactive leads me to believe that you will not screw up royally Remember, no parent is perfect, adoptive or not. Follow your instincts when the time comes, some things are better left unsaid.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

I agree that being open and honest doesn't mean you have to reveal every detail. I'm not adopted, but my mom has definitely given me "too much information" about hers and my dad's history. (For example, she told me about how disappointed my dad was when I was born because I was a girl and he'd been wanting a boy.)

[josh1788smom]

"Having a baby and giving it up for adoption is extremely stressful and both bmom and bdad may not react in a way that they are proud of 18 years from now. But, the bottom line, is that his bmom loved him enough to carry him and to give him to people who would love him and raise him when she didn't feel like she could. Nothing should ever outweigh that fact. "

jrainbow - thank you very much for saying this line. It means so very much to me today.

OP - I think you have been given great advice, but I would add - give it time. You may not even remember half of what you think is important now. As your relationship develops with your growing child, you will know what you are to tell him and what you are to hold back. Some of the minute details will just fade as the memories grow, if you know what I mean.

Good luck!!!

[oceanlover]

Hi. I'm 42. At eight I ws told I was adopted and my bio mom died while giving birth to me. I was never allowed to ask pertinent origin questions; otherwise, it was met with hostility, insecurity and anger, which caused great fear and insecurity to me. At 16, during a heated argument, my adoptive mom told me that my bio mom didn't die at birth and that I had a sibling out there, which caused even greater damage to me and feelings of betrayal of trust. I still wsa not permitted to ask pertinent questions.

AT 23 yrs old, I found out thr some friends I worked with that I was a ward of the county and that's who acted as my adoption agency, and also non-identifying information after writing away for it. two years later, estranged from my adoptive parents, I began the search, with some help from my foster mother who still had my hospital ID baby braclet w/my mom's name on it (26 years later). Found her in 6 months - positive reunion. Met entire family, siblings, cousins, etc. That was in 1992. There were gaps in her story and because I am a "truth freak," I did some research on my own and was granted by a probate court judge to review my adoption and ward of county files, being that my original birth certificate was signed by my bio mom then. They wouldn't let me copy the files but just ask questions and they'd pull papers pertinent to questions asked. Weird liability issues. In 2004, I was connected to social services who mailed me a 1/2" thick package of all the notes of social workers assigned to my case, from birth to foster care, which brought a lot of answers to simple questions I had, as well as truth that my mothers had not been so truthful about. It brought closure and peace to me, because I know that God alone did that for me.

My suggestion to you is PRAY, take one day at a time, enjoy your baby, and put this on the back burner for now. Be honest and open but only answer questions that are asked and nothing more. You always want to protect your child from hurtful things, but as an adult, they can handle it. Always check your motives and intents. Let your child always know how special he/she is and chosen to be loved. Bless them, pray for them, and entrust them into the Father's care, as they're ours only for a short amount of time to guide and teach them about Him and His purpose for them.
Take care!

[trudypersinger]

Beth,
Hello. I myself is adopted. My parents have been open about me being adopted. They have also been open about letting me now my story. My start in life was not a good one. My bmom did not take of me and it is not know what happen to my bdad. I do have a bbrother and bsister. It is not know what happen to them. It not even know if we are by the same father.

Im glad that I do know part of my story. It would be harder on me if adoptive didnt tell me what knew. When your child is confortable enough to ask you questions about where he came from, i would let him know what he wants to know. And let him know that he can come talk to you at any time that he has questions. Also be supportive if he ever decide to search for his birth family.
You and your husband will always be his parents.

[bprice215]

I'm certainly glad your 99% sure of who the birthparents are,that could come in handy for your child. Answer all question your child may ask of you, tell them the truth as you know it, even the bad if it is presented in a way that your child can understand it then it wont be so bad. Above all else, make sure they know your love for them, when the time come for a search. People change, people grow up and get older and become more responsible adults. Hopefully that'll happen with your situation, above all else prepair your child for the eventualness of a bad reunion because it can happen. Best of luck to you.

Bprice215

[a6tromblygoo]

Beth,
I am an adoptee and also and adoption worker. I recently came a cross a great resource that could really help you. It helped me as an adoptee reading it, I found it very accurate and straightforward. I recommend reading "20 things adoptive children, wish their adoptive parents knew" (or it might be 25 things?) anyways it'll come up if you google it. I also recommend this book to any adoptee's reading this.

Originally Posted by BethAF

I am an adoptive mom to a wonderful 15 month old boy. My husband and I love him with all our heart.

It is a closed adoption at the request of the birthmother. We received a fairly thorough background on bmom and a limited background on bdad. However, we strongly believe that we know who they are. We're about 99% sure. There are a lot of things that happened during the relinquishment period that I think would be very hurtful for my son to find out in the future. Bdad completely denied paternity and bmom did a couple of things that I think would break any child's heart. So, I guess my question is... do we just stick to the facts about thier basic background info? When he get's older, do we give him the full names of who we think his bio-parents are? Do we ever tell him the circumstances surrounding his adoption? I guess I'm afraid that he'd hate us if we held back info, but would be crushed if he knew some of the other info about his bparents. I also think about what would happen if he went to look for them (which I would support) and they rejected him, or never responded to him.

I guess I just need the advice of people who have been in my son's shoes. He's just a little guy now but I worry about this. I know I can't protect him from every hurt in the world. I just don't want to royally screw up!

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

[Dickons]

You have been given excellent advice from all different perspectives.

I only want to say 'thank you' for being a great mom to your son. You will find the right way because you have love in your heart. Truly that is all you need to know what is the right thing to do. You sound so much like my mom and dad and you could not find greater parents or people in this world than they are (yes, my adoptive parents). They have always been my champions even when they did not like what I did, they never faltered in their quest to do everything possible to make our lives rewarding and full of love.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[erikamarie]

Beth, The best thing you can do is be honest from the start. My bmom is a drug addict and my bdad is an alcoholic. It is hurtful, especially since I have siblings that they still have. My parents were always honest with me. I remember when I was little my mom and I would pray for my bmom and brother before bed. I know that I would have been very angry to learn that they with help info from me. I am very glad that they shared everything with me.

I do believe that you should keep the identity of the bparents to yourself until your son is 18 though. that way you can maybe put it all together for him and tell him that you have it if he wants it. He may not want to know. My little sister was adopted also and she could care less if she ever finds out who her bparents are.

Because of my situation, I do not like closed adoption. I missed so much in my siblings lives, both the older one and the younger on. I do know that closed adoption is sometimes the best thing for the child but its hard when we are older. It sounds like the bparents have issues that need to be worked out and in your case a closed adoption sounds good.

I really do believe that being honest with your son is the best thing you can do for him. Be sure to remind him that you are his parents and that you love him no matter what. But also, don't make it sound like his bparents didn't love him.

Good luck and keep us all posted,
Erika

[annmarie87]

hey beth. im also an adoptee. ill be 21 in just under 3 weeks and finally be able to start seaching for my bmom. my parents were completely open with me about my adoption. for the most part. my mom wouldnt give me any paper work but ive always known. my birthmother was young and i know nothing of my birthfather. but i have to agree with the few that say honesty is the best policy. i believe that when my birthmother put me up for adoption she was doing the right thing regardless of the situation becuase she wasnt ready. she gave me a chance to have a wonderful family. a mom and a dad and i believe that they will always be my mom and dad because they rasied me and showed me love. but i also have a mom and dad some where else that i love very much that gave me life. one day i hope to know them because its tough to look in the mirror and not know what my bparents look like and to wonder if we have things in common. however i love the family i was given and wouldnt trade it for the world. good luck.
<3

[bakerjw]

I agree with being honest. My amother was very protective of me and would get quite flustered when I asked questions about my adoption. Rather than being one of the people who I should have been open to regarding my feelings, she became one of the outsiders. It sure would have been nice to have had a friend to work with me.

Even if your ason searches for them someday and is very disappointed and hurt by what he finds, he will remember that he had a close friend that didn't put up roadblocks.

My amom, who was like a saint, is no longer with us. The one negative thing that she did was to always block my questions about my adoption.

[paul_sleepin]

hi, im 42 and was adopted when i was 3 months old, my parents have always told me the truth and im grateful to them for that, please dont keep secrects, they always get found out!