[Scorpionflower]

It was suggested to me to pose this question here, at the adoptees forum. I'm currently about 4 months pregnant. This is child #5 and am not in a situation to raise another child. It would not be fair to my current children nor to the child on it's way. The question I'm faced with is open or closed adoption. I was of the mindset that closed adoption would be best. For the child to be raised from birth by it's parents with the belief that they are the only parents, however, I did want to carefully select the family. In talking about this more with others, I've been hearing the other side... the lie. My concern is with the child always feeling he/she wasn't loved, or wasn't enough for me to keep them whereas I have kept and raised their older siblings. I worried how all the children involved would be effected. How at such young ages it would be hard for them to comprehend the situation.

Now, I wonder if open adoption may be best. For me and my children to be in the distant picture.. visiting a few times a year as blood relatives, to one day, when the child is ready, be there to answer the questions of where he/she comes from. That way, me and my children would not be strangers, but rather... blood relatives. I wouldn't bring my children into this knowledge until the baby finds out. As my children do not live with me at the moment they do not need to know I am bringing another child into the world. One attends prepatory boarding school and my daughters live with their father in California while I get myself established in the midwest. I'm struggling to build a home for them to come to, but determination and preserverance will bring all things together.

So, on the issue of open adoption vs closed adoption, from an adoptee standpoint... what are the pros and cons and which do you feel is best?

[lahdh4]

There is also semi open. Where you receive pictures and updates through a 3rd party, usually.
I like the thought of open. There are no secrets. I know them and they know me. I see Supergirl and she in turn sees me. If anything comes up I am right there. I can update medical information as it happens and not wait.

[riverview]

we are semi. I speak with birthmom and update regularly in person and email. Our dd can meet her when we both think appropriate age and with counseling. I love this type of adoption. My other two are closed and no way to contact birthmothers. You can pm me.

[mylovebug]

with our daughter we are semi open through an agency. We send letters and pictures on a regular basis. We have also received letters and pictures from the birth family. This has worked great and one day I look forward to meeting them. Until then I enjoy sending them updates, and knowing they look so forward to getting the updates. I hope you find something that will work best for you and your family.

[ValerieP]

The openness of an adoption can always change. If I was an emom, I would always ask for everything I think I would ever want and that way you can always change it to less contact....if needed.

We have a very open adoption with home visits, emails, photos, calls. But, both the firstmom and I have talked about the possibility that someday that amount of openness may need to change... and we will do whatever is best for our 'shared' daughter.

We would like to adopt again and would strive to have another OPEN adoption... It works for us.

[sal]

Growing up in an era of closed adoptions, whispers, and secrets... I can tell you that it created alot of pain for me. I had only sketchy information about my bparents.. which lead to alot of anxiety and worry about the details that were missing.. I can remember being worried about what I didn't know from about 3rd grade on. I would STRONGLY recommend that there is some avenue of contact...so you know that the child is OK.. and the child knows that you remember them, love them and care about them. It's hard to get your head around the statement.. "she loved you SO much that she did what was best for you"... NOT an easy thing to try to figure out when you're in grade school. The feelings that I had about being surrendered for adoption ranged from depression to rage... IF I'd been able to have some contact with her throughout my life... I think it would have helped. I've been reunited for 6 1/2 years now and would have been in contact MUCH sooner IF I'd had ANY idea that she would have wanted contact...I worried for years that I would be rejected which led me to spin my wheels until I was 48. I wish you good luck and peace with your decision...sal

[Sun8]

Years ago they thought closed adoption was best, we would never know we were adopted, we would grow up normally and all would be happily ever after. They forgot a few things. We don't look like the rest of the family, thier health history is not ours. We have talents they dont have and visa versa. They also did'nt seem to realise that our tiny little body would remember some things. The sound of a certain heartbeat, the first one we heard, the voice we listened to for months, our first connection to another and then it goes missing. We grow up knowing we are missing something but we dont know what until.... we hear that voice, feel that touch.
With open adoption there are no secrets, there is someone we resemble, someone who has our talents, likes and dislikes. in closed adoption we are left to wonder and our fears are larger than reality. We build reasons to not be wanted, we abandon others before they can abandon us. We dont know or understand the truth, so we make up our own ideas and that is harmful to the little mind as a child. I wish I had grown up knowing why i was relinquished and seeing and knowing another who looked like me and had my talents. I love my Afamily dearly...but they all look alike, i dont, they have the same talents, mine are all different. My amom wished she knew the "why's" and "who", she could have helped me then, but she was given nearly no information. My 32 cents from an adult adoptee's point of view.

[SpecialK]

I am an adult adoptee and I would be lying if I didn't say that I am deeply saddened to hear that you wanted to choose a closed adoption. I agree with eveything Sun8 said too.

If you spend some time looking through the thousands of posts from adoptees whose lives have been torn apart from closed adoptions, you may decide that this is not the best option for your baby. No matter what is best for you, your baby will be the one that ends up with a scarred spirit.

And the comment you made about being on welfare sounds as though you think this may be a bad thing? Do you know how many birth mothers would give their right arm to have had welfare available to them so they could have kept their baby? I am sure there is more to your story than perhaps has been shared but as a child who is one of 4 that was given up, it is the most painful thing I have ever had to deal with. Financially I may have had a little bit more of an advantage, but give me emotional and spiritual health and happiness over finances any day of the week.

I have no experience with open adoption, but in my opinion, I personally would find it incredibly confusing as I became an adult and started to comprehend the situation it in its entirety. I feel that sometimes expectant mothers may forget that babies grow up into adults and most of the time, that is when the processing can start for us about the decisions that were made 'in our best interests'.

Please remember there are my thoughts on adoption, they are not intended to upset you/anyone but to give you honest feedback from an adoptees perspective on the incredibly huge decision you are about to make.

[Scorpionflower]

Nothing anyone has said has upset me. It all has given me alot to think about and I have learned alot. I had been pursuing the option of open adoption when I managed to finally find the father. It ends up that his parents wish to adopt the baby. This is the first of it's generation in their family and his mother has been wanting to be a grandmother for some time. We're now discussing weather to do adoption vs guardianship. This will be an "open" situation where once the child is old enough to ask about his/her family background we will tell him/her the truth. They wish for the child to know all of it's family, my side and the father's side. They live in CA where all my family is at. I think this situation will really work out for the best.

[BrandyHagz]

They do realize that adopting will give them a child - not a grandchild...right?

Just wondering...

[Scorpionflower]

Oh, to add about welfare... I have been on welfare before. Have struggled with raising my children living off the system. I have taken enough from the system, it is time for me to give back. I feel that it would not be right of me to continue taking from society. I can't help that my body is one that is one that just has to be near a man to become impregnated. I know many people look at all women like me as being lower class because we have "so many" children. It's not that all of us any more "promiscuous" than other women, some of us simply get pregnant very easily. That, i can say, is something that does upset me. I have had people say things about what "kind" of woman I am to be in this situation. I simply know that I have now managed to pull my family out of living on welfare, we continue to give back through our volunteer work and have sworn to not take from society again if at all possible. I know this child will be loved.. i will not place him/her in a home that will not be loving. However, welfare is not an option for me so that I can be selfish to keep this child. I know there are many who would love the opportunity to have this child for their own.

I hope that all came out ok. I'm not upset, just very tired. I've been having alot of complications with this pregnancy and am currently "at risk" for miscarriage. Placenta is bleeding, etc.

[Oceans]

((((Hugs)))) Sorry to hear about the complications. You have time so don't stress too much about logistics until you can get your health on track.

And as far as what other people think about "who" you are - BLAH!! I'm glad that you are secure in your knowledge of yourself - that's all that's important.

Whatever route you choose, this baby is lucky to have you in his/her life !!

Take Care...

[Oceans]

This will be an "open" situation where once the child is old enough to ask about his/her family background we will tell him/her the truth. They wish for the child to know all of it's family, my side and the father's side.

I was thinking about this... I am not an adoptive mom but I have read about a number of children's books that introduce the adoption story to toddlers.

You might ask some folks on the a-parents forum which ones they like.

[Scatterbrain]

I am an amom. We have both closed (International) and open (domestic) adoptions in our family. I would definitely choose open adoption when given the option. I spend many nights cuddling with my children and and drying their tears while they ask about the firstmoms and I have no answers. There is an emptiness for my children in closed adoptions and an extreme jealousy of the child who is in an open adoption. She has answers and they don't. She knows that she has bio siblings and they don't. She doesn't worry if her first mom is alive and ok, etc....

Also know that there is nothing wrong with looking into ALL options-family and non-family placement. I truly believe that you will know in your heart what is right for your child when the time comes. Accept the counseling and assistance from a good agency. They are there for YOU and YOUR CHILD first. I would go through an agency no matter what your decision is. This will be very emotional and difficult and you will need support.

Good luck to you and I pray for a healthy pregnancy for you and your baby.