[rdeanstarr]

I was adopted by a family that I was not a good match for me. I've posted on various adoption boards for several years now, searching for my birth mother or father, with no response.

Going against conventional opinion, I feel that if I do locate my birth mother or father, that I should be able to ask questions about my family and know any potential family members, even if the mother/father do not want to know me.

I personally have given years of thought to this, and I still believe after all this time that I have a right to have some questions about myself answered, at the very least, and to know any other family membes who may wish to know me. Am I wrong in this?

[Sniffles]

I personally do not think you are wrong, I just happened to have been refused contact by my b-mom, but I have a great relationship with my grandparents (her parents). I say go for it.

[rdeanstarr]

Thanks for the opinion. I appreciate it!

[Jackiejdajda]

I know of one birthmom that never ever told her parents about the daughter she gave up for adoption..

I know she would not want them to be contacted by the birthdaughter.

I think this is a very contentious issue for some adoptees.. and heck aparents and birthparents..

You do have a right to know about yourself.. that is absolute.. Its how to get that knowledge that is an issue for some..

Jackie

[snuffie]

Hi!
When reading your post I wondered if you have tried anything besides posting on search and reunion sites? Just because you have had no response does not mean that your bparents don't want to reunite or that they aren't searching. When I began my search, I (unbelievably) was not computer literate. We did not have a home computer and I didn't know search and reunion sites existed! The man whom I believe is my bdad does not have a computer for one example.
My bmom had passed away years before.
Some bparents were told that they would never have the right to search or not to disrupt their child's life etc.
There are many, many reasons.

It is good to read through the threads here and also to read some of the many search and reunion books, stories written by bmom's etc. and to prepare yourself before your search. Then it is up to you to decide if you want to start your search being aware of the pitfalls or the happiness that can be found. I know in my own case, I would have never found peace until I searched no matter what I found.

Snuffie

[Jackiejdajda]

I know of one adoptee that searched the family tree of her birthfamily.. all seperate from the birthfamily..

I agree with snuffie

Who knows what is happening.. they may want to know about you..
I know I ached to know about my bson.. and I was in incredible joy when he found my search message on a web site..

Jackie

[StarryNights™]

I want to add my two cents in here too lol... Mind you this is coming from a person who did not know she was adopted until she was 35 years old. My original thought was I had a "mom" why on earth do I need to search for the other mother? Well as time progressed, I too had a ton of questions about who, what, when, where and of course WHY? I am one of those people who does not rest until she get answers to question that keep her up at night. With this said, if those questions cause you unrest by all means SEARCH! I have a bit of a different outlook then most adoptees that grew up knowing they were adopted. I never had the turmoil that they put themselves through with feeling guilty and blaming themselves for being relinquished. If you are anything at all like me, you will not be satisfied until you get answers. I did not say "happy". I would be delusional to say that you would be happy but it is a matter of acceptance on your part once you do get information. Once I learned everything I needed to learn minus that of having a possible other sibling out in the world, I was able to get on with my life without them. My reunion has not been remotely easy to deal with. Though I do not regret having searched. ~L

[BrockBaby]

I say, do what you think you need to do. Be respectful of everyone, and understand that they might not know about you. But I think your first step should be to try to find your bmom. Personally, I found my bmom by finding her cousin's daughter. (my second cousin) And through her, I was able to find that my bmom was in a nursing home at the time, so I wouldn't have found an address for her by searching the "normal" way. People had told me that it wasn't a good idea to contact anyone but her, but God had other plans. Each reunion is different, your reunion belongs to you...so you need to do what you need to do, just remember that the way we approach things CAN bite us in the bum...but when you search the way that feels right to you, then you can't blame anyone else for the way it ends up, and I think that is the best feeling!!!

[kune]

Hi - I'm a birthmom of a 37 year old son. He found me 5 years ago and since then we have both shared a truly amazing time learning about each other and forming a special relationship - one that I hope will continue to grow.
When he found me I was more than happy to answer any questions and for us to (slowly) get to know each other. By slowly I mean .....it took us 6 months of writing and e-mailing and phone calls to get to the point of meeting each other and it was another 4 months until he met the other members of my family.
Did he have a right to meet his birthfamily??? I believe a birthmother has an obligation to her birthchild and should give, at least, medical and genealogy history and the reason for relinquishment.....but I believe it is how you approach the family that will determine if you have a "right" to anything else. There's a phrase you may see on these forums. It's called Reunion Aerobics

....... Exercise caution, compassion, responsibility, and patience every step of the reunion journey. If you exercise these four principles, then you'll know that you've entered your reunion honorably, regardless of its outcome."

My suggestion would be to go to your local library and look for books related to reunion and read the forum posts in both the adoptee and reunion sections. In fact....Use the time between search-and-find to read as much as you can. There are many emotions and potential "pot-holes" involved in the meeting of mother/child and knowing in advance what may happen and how the other party may react will be invaluable. It will also help you to understand your own thoughts and feelings.

I wish you well in your search. I know how healing and beautiful a reunion can be....but I also experienced the wild emotional whirpool that caught me unawares when I finally met my son. I remember wishing I had done more to educate myself on what to expect.

Hey Richard - I like your personal Quote.... a great opener for any conversation!!!

I don't pretend we have all the answers. But the questions are certainly worth thinking about.
- Arthur C. Clarke

Ann

[Anetscat66]

Everyone has a right to know where they came from, whether its about siblings, mom, dads cousins, in my book it doesnt matter!

I was given up for adoption too, and went many years not knowing any of my birth family and it was as though a piece of myself was missing. No one can ever fill the void of birth family, go with your heart and just keep an open mind.

We are here for you! ;-)

Annette

[lilKristin1981]

I was adopted and very close to my adopted family but, like you I want questions answered...
I want to know who I look like,where I come from,their medical history...

I don't think you are wrong at all...