[Gijaymebee]

I found my birth mother a few years ago thru a searcher. My searcher made contact and gave her my ethnicity and medical background. She told my searcher that she did not want to "pursue" a meeting. I found out I have a half-sister that knows nothing of me. I feel she has a right to know and I want to contact my bmom. I don't know if this is wrong..any advice would be helpful. I feel thrown away again!!!

Confused,
Jayme

[krielly]

Jayme,
I just want you to know you are not alone. I too had a CI contact my bmom back in 2005, only to find out she doesn't want to have contact with me. I have 2 sisters who don't know about me as well.
It's a tough thing, that's for sure. No one can tell you (myself included) how to handle this. I really believe it's something you can work through in time, but for now, please keep posting and talking about your feelings. The folks here are incredibly supportive.

Thinking of you, and keep on posting! Like I said, you're not alone!!!!!

Hugs,
K

[Jackiejdajda]

Hello Jayme..

I think I understand a little about why some women refuse contact..

I know the silence becomes the rule.
I know shame can be an awful thing to live with..
I know we learn nothing when we keep secrets.

Some women never told their husband.. Or their other children.. Living a lie is an awful hard thing to confess.

Jackie

[SallyLF]

Jayme - I found my bmom last Oct after searching for 25 yrs. She had never told one person, not a sister, not a friend, not her 2 husbands, about me. Her Secret is so deeply buried, to excavate it would cause major upheavel, from her perspective. She had learned very well how to live with this secret but had no idea how to live with the reality of Me in her life. Kind of like "if it ain't broke don't fix it". And I could tell that she liked me the few times we spoke, at first I even had the feeling she'd be willing to meet me. That didn't last long as she began to think about what she would have to face and ADMIT, to everyone she knew, and her curiosity about me drowned in her paranoia. It was painful for me to see this happening to her. I promised to keep her secret, and that was that, no more contact. Over. I know how you feel, like, what a waste to not know each other.

Then again, there are posters on here that were refused contact in the beginning and bmom came around years later. That could still happen to you.

Could you write her another letter? Outline your intent, your respect for her privacy, whatever makes her feel safe and that you are someone she would want to know, - maybe she'll eventually have a change of heart.

It's keep trying or let her go.

Isn't it nice that others really understand how you feel? This is a great place for adoptees.

[Jackiejdajda]

Sally I am so sorry this happened to you..

A terrible thing to happen.. I hate the secret keeping..

Jackie

[SallyLF]

Jackie, you hit it right on the head when you wrote "Living a lie is an awfully hard thing to confess". That's exactly what bmom's dilemma was. I asked her what she thought would happen if people found out about me (she is 71 and I am 52). She said "They wouldn't know what to think of me. I hate liars, and this makes me a liar".

Shame has its own logic I guess.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Gijaymebee

I found my birth mother a few years ago thru a searcher. My searcher made contact and gave her my ethnicity and medical background. She told my searcher that she did not want to "pursue" a meeting. I found out I have a half-sister that knows nothing of me. I feel she has a right to know and I want to contact my bmom. I don't know if this is wrong..any advice would be helpful. I feel thrown away again!!!

Confused,
Jayme

A few years have passed, your bmom may have changed her mind, or she may not have.

But once the jenie is out of the bottle, "you", it cannot be forgotten that it is out. it was one thing to hide you away when you didn't feel real anymore. It is quite another after you know you child wants to meet you.

So try to contact bmom again, try that door before you try your sibling.

I will not promise that anything has changed. But it doesn't hurt to ask again.

Hugs

[Jackiejdajda]

"Living a lie is an awfully hard thing to confess"

And how some of us were sent into the lie.. needs to be considered..
Shame guilt.. secrets.. and never ever sorting a thing.. no grief.. no crying.. no discussing any of it..

There are many ways to grieve the loss of a child.. Talking about it is one of the key ways to do it.. IMO
Some of us could not talk about it.. were not allowed.
Asking for emotional help was another.. like a hug or a good cry with someone.. some of us were not allowed that as well.

For some of us our grief was shame based.. so we just buried it..

And bringing it back to the surface takes a brave soul and also a place where unaccounted emotions can come to the surface and be expressed and dealt with..
I was lucky when I came out of the secret keeping..(when my bson was 21)
I had a husband that was willing to put up with my anger etc..
And I was in a place where I felt safe..

I told my husband when I married him.. But if I had not told him I know I would have had to tell the man that our relationship was full of lies..

If there is any blame to be handed out.. I say the society needs to take a very big chunk of it..
Keeping up with the Jones’s.. and what will the neighbors think.. have a big big part in this..

Jackie

[krielly]

I don't mean in any way to lessen or invalidate the pain that some birthmothers have gone through, however......keeping up with the Jones' or worring about what others think, should never be a priority over the love of one's birth child...........JMO as an adoptee whose bmom has denied contact............but claims to love me and "ever since the day I was born, I've been on her mind and in her heart"..

sorry to sound so bitter....I'm really not.....it's just I can no longer personally try to justify her decision for not having contact.

That is her issue to "own".....not mine........

K

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

And how some of us were sent into the lie.. needs to be considered..
Shame guilt.. secrets.. and never ever sorting a thing.. no grief.. no crying.. no discussing any of it..

There are many ways to grieve the loss of a child.. Talking about it is one of the key ways to do it.. IMO
Some of us could not talk about it.. were not allowed.
Asking for emotional help was another.. like a hug or a good cry with someone.. some of us were not allowed that as well.

For some of us our grief was shame based.. so we just buried it..

And bringing it back to the surface takes a brave soul and also a place where unaccounted emotions can come to the surface and be expressed and dealt with..
I was lucky when I came out of the secret keeping..(when my bson was 21)
I had a husband that was willing to put up with my anger etc..
And I was in a place where I felt safe..

I told my husband when I married him.. But if I had not told him I know I would have had to tell the man that our relationship was full of lies..

If there is any blame to be handed out.. I say the society needs to take a very big chunk of it..
Keeping up with the Jones’s.. and what will the neighbors think.. have a big big part in this..

Jackie

It was funny, in an ironic sort of way.

You were told to go home and pretend it didn't happen.
No one spoke to you about it. They didn't ask how you were doing, or even give you extra hugs. They went on with their daily lives with no notice of how much pain you were in.

I didn't tell my dad, who was in New Orleans when I was pregnant at 15. I didn't tell him until I was 19, married with two kids.

He said when I started searching, "you never talked about him so I thought you didn't care."


What was there to talk about? I knew nothing, I had never held him, I saw him less them 5 minutes. The doctor told the nurse to keep him away from me.

It wasn't like now with open adoption. I didn't know if he was alive or dead. There was nothing to talk about.

Or so I thought. When I could no longer hide my pain there was a flood of things to talk about. But my mom was dead so she couldn't answer the big "WHY did you do this to me," question. Dad hadn't been here in Seattle and didn't know anything.

No threapy until 33 years "after" his birth.

sigh...

[Longtimewaiting]

Jayme,

As a bmom, I am so very sorry to hear that yours wants no contact. I agree, give her some time and try again. I did tell my husband before we married, but told NO one else.

When the husband and I were divorcing, he tried to use my child against me claiming that I was an unfit parent and because of that he should have full custody of our two children. I do believe that he has told our daughter because she has hinted, and I havent taken the bait. Im waiting until I make contact with my first daughter before I tell my two other children. Some of you may think thats selfish on my part, but I dont want to inflict any more pain and stress on my two children.

Give her some time to think things over, she might have to decide how to tell family members about you, maybe she is going thru a tough time in her life--maybe a divorce, taking care of elderly parents, etc. But I say give her 6 months and send her a "hello, thinking of you" card, and she what her reaction is....

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Longtimewaiting

Jayme,



When the husband and I were divorcing, he tried to use my child against me claiming that I was an unfit parent and because of that he should have full custody of our two children. I do believe that he has told our daughter because she has hinted, and I havent taken the bait. Im waiting until I make contact with my first daughter before I tell my two other children. Some of you may think thats selfish on my part, but I dont want to inflict any more pain and stress on my two children.

....

your ex was a jerk..

but

It would be a good idea to tell the kids now. Why? Becasue they too will have emotional issues about having a sib they didn't know about.

Now imagine, your emotions, birth daughters emotions, and your raised kids emotions ALL at one time!

Not good, so it is really in your and their best interest if you sit down and tell them what happened, why it happened and that you are looking.

Then you can give your undivided attention to thier issues and feelings without having to sift though yours, and bdaughters..

really, it is better.

I told my kids when they were 8 & 10. So they knew about him. When I started searching they were adults, but it wasn't a surprise, and they were open to reunion and relationship.

The only issue at the time, was my daughter who thought she should still be the oldest even after reunion.
So I said, yes, you are my oldest daughter.. um, she is my only daughter and I have two son's.. bson, who is the oldest age 43, daughter 41 and young son 40.
But counting my two step daughters, yes, my daughter is the oldest girl. I don't think she cares anymore, that was the first year.

I would recommend telling them so they can have fits if they want, cry if the want, or just be perfectly ok with it all.. while you only have them to worry about.

In the end, you will be glad you got it done before reunion.

[Longtimewaiting]

Scarlet,
Thank you for all the info, what I am so very afraid of is that my daughter will not want any type of communication with me. I know that many bparents are afraid of that, but I will be devastated if that were the case. If that should happen and my children know about her, and know that she has rejected me, they will be livid. They know that Im not perfect, but they believe that Im a darn good mother.

I am always emotional, I have cried every day since I found out that I was pregnant with first born daughter, cried thru the whole pregnancy, and basically cry everyday when I think about her. My children, friends and family though, never see me cry. I never discuss my first born with anyone, never ever. Im not ashamed of her, I just dont discuss her.

My first born daughter will be 32 in 3 weeks (10/10/75), my next child is a son aged 21 1/2 and another daughter 20. My younger daughter has always wanted a sister, so I think that she will have no problem accepting first born daughter, my son will only make a comment that he is truly surrounded by females.

My parents both passed away within the past 7 years, so finding her is really becoming a priority. My parents never discussed my first born until my mother knew that she was dying and apologized for forcing the adoption. She did say that maybe I would have been happy if I had kept her.

Ive always wondered if a study has ever been done on birthmothers and all the emotional problems that they have encountered after adoption. Do you know of any?

Thank you.

[Jackiejdajda]

Ive always wondered if a study has ever been done on birthmothers and all the emotional problems that they have encountered after adoption. Do you know of any?

I do not know of a study.. I know there are books out there about it.. The Girls that Went Away is one of them..
But what I would like to see is a study of how to heal from this.. Its one of the reasons I haunt these boards.. I started my healing in 1985.. and have been working on it ever since..

The not telling.. as has been posted in this thread is key to me..
How do we sort these incredibly difficult emotions if we do not tell.. I know therapy helped me because new information was given to me.. Like you have not grieved the loss of your first born child..
Grieved?

I did not think it was needed because he had not died..

CUB.. Concerned United Birthparents have real time group meet ups.. Speakers at conventions.. and things like that..

Jackie

[akaAdoptee]

I went through the exact same thing. I began searching (to the best of my ability) at age 18, was able to do more after I turned 21, and finally found my birthmother (through the help of a searcher, and some wonderful clerk at the courthouse who sent MORE than the medical information I requested from my adoption file) two weeks before I turned 30. I was at my seacher's house when she called my birthmother, who even though she acknowledged the child she gave up for adoption, told my searcher the day I was born was the day I died as far as she was concerned.

Needless to say, I was completely devastated.

The week after I turned 30, my searcher found more information, and let me know I have a half-sister. I immediately made plans to go meet her -- which I did. Much to my surprise, and though it wasn't on any of the documents uncovered by my searcher, my half-sister lived with my biological mother.

We (my half-sister) an I tried to maintain a secret relationship, but were eventually found out. I ended up meeting my biological mother, who quickly let me know I was NOT her child, and she really had no interest in a relationship. Although we kept in touch (more so my half-sister and I), when I could walk on egg shells no more and sent a letter asking about my biological father, my birthmother (in effect) slammed the door on our relationship and told me in no uncertain terms she would never reveal the identity of my birthfather, and to leave her alone.

Again, I was crushed.

I have enough information on my birthfather to begin searching, and sometimes I'm gung-ho, and at others I just cry and throw up my hands.

I think the worst is when I see adoption stories on the television (like tonight, on 20/20) where everything goes well and there's a happy ending.