[RavenSong]

Some of you have read my past posts about how my two very best friends in life were both adopted as newborns by the same family five months apart from each other. Julie and Terri were my childhood bosom buddies. Their parents were my spiritual parents, the adults who gave me unconditional love and acceptance. Mr. and Mrs. Mac were those type of people, the ones' who seem to attract every troubled child in the neighborhood. I was always welcome in their home, not only as a kid but as an adult. I was invited to every holiday dinner until we finally lost them both to old age.

Julie was always the "good adoptee", the one who didn't cause waves. She was the ideal "California Girl", at 6-feet tall with long blonde hair down to her waist, she was incredibly intelligent. I remember her telling me all about what an economic recession meant when we were only 16 years old. When she laughed, it was infectious. I would give my eye teeth to hear that laugh just one more time. For those of you from San Diego, you'll know what I mean when I say we were the kids you see hanging out at the boardwalk. Pacific Beach was our stomping grounds. And if you ever saw Julie in the late 1960's or early 1970's, you would remember her. She had the world in her palms.

When we were 18 years old, Julie became addicted to heroin. Please believe me, this was not some character defect. It was Julie who taught me, I think, the nature of addiction, how it is truly a disease. Many of us from Southern California experimented with heavy drugs in the early '70s. No one likes to talk about it now, or even admit it. Most of us didn't become hooked. Julie did....

I saw it happen, and I didn't know what to do. I tried the same drugs she did at the same time, but I didn't have a need to continue using them. They were fun, they were an escape, but that's all they were to me. At the same time, I saw my very best friend become enslaved to them. My dear, sweet Julie, the girl who had the world by the tail, what happened? This amazing young woman who had more compassion than anyone else I've ever met in life, this woman who loved children more than life itself, this "good adoptee".

My Julie was able to get clean from heroin for a period of seven years. It was an answer to prayer, many prayers from many people. We all loved her, even though she told me once never to trust her, that her addiction would always come first. She cleaned up for seven years, and then one day, just like that, it was gone. This may sound weird to some, but one day Julie was cleaning her refrigerator with some type of disinfectant, and as she told me later, she just had to get some heroin. Her husband was in the Navy and was in some faraway land. It was irrational, it was foolish, it was self-destructive...and she had absolutely no choice...she had to have it, right then and right there. After 7 years...

My relationship with Julie through our adult years was a bit odd. I have always loved her as a sister, but I couldn't keep our friendship in the way it had been as kids. While she was shooting up, I was attending an out-of-state university as a premed student. And I felt incredibly guilty. It was Julie who got me through the relinquishment of my baby son. It was Julie who spent that first night of his birth in the hospital with me, trying to talk sense into me. Although I have absolutely no memory of it, I'm told that I refused to go thru with the adoption the night after DS was born. They tell me that Julie spent at least 4 or 5 hours in my hospital room telling me why I needed to give him up so he could have a better life. I don't remember it at all. All I know is that all the months that I planned on keeping my baby, the plan was for Julie to be his godmother.

The years went on...her dad died, and then it was just Julie taking care of her mom. Terri, her adopted sister, was the "angry adoptee", who was probably the most responsible one of us all. I only saw Julie at holiday dinners and special occasions. When Julie got strung out, Terri filled her shoes as my best friend. I saw heroin addiction up close, as close as you can get. If there is one thing that I can emphasize is this: it has nothing to do with choices, it has nothing to do with vices, it has nothing to do with willpower. It is a disease, my friends....

Julie lived long enough to see me reunite with my son, her godson. And then one day, Terri called me to tell me that Julie was dying in a hospital. I dropped everything I was doing and immediately went to the hospital. I was alone with Julie that day of her death, a death caused by flesh-eating bacteria (necrotizing fasciitis). The surgeons in Chula Vista rushed her to surgery a couple times. They then asked me for permission to amputate her arms, and her mom was persuaded to come in. I talked to Mrs. Mac for a long time, and we finally told the docs to let Julie go. She died a few minutes later in my arms...and I heard her voice as clear as if she was standing next to me. She said, "Tell Mom I'm fine and that I love her."

The one thing I've never been able to talk to anyone about and that I feel so guilty about is this. Julie called me several days before she died, asking me to contact her birthmother. She told me her name, and I was able to track her bmom down in several hours. But I made a judgment call that I don't know if I even had the right to make. I didn't know Julie was going to die several days later, I only knew that she was a lifelong junkie. I knew she was pretty desperate, and I feared that she just wanted to contact her bmom for money. So I didn't tell Julie that I found her bmom. I never told anybody that I found her bmom.

About 11 years have passed since Julie died. I miss her every day...I miss her humor, her laugh, the way her hair shone in the Southern California sunshine...I miss her love and compassion and integrity. Sometimes I wonder if I should contact her birthmother. And this is where I'm so conflicted. I know that her bmom lives in Sacramento, about 90 minutes from where I live. I have her address and her phone number. But should I contact her at all?

Would it be best for a birthmother to know that her baby daughter, who she relinquished for a better life, grew up to be a heroin addict and prostitute? That she died an unpleasant, painful death? That she was this incredible person with so much potential who got caught up in a horrible addiction? That she always knew her birthmom made an enormous sacrifice in order for her to have a better life? That she loved so many people and was loved by so many people...that she was the most spiritual person I've ever known? I just can't figure it out....

[RavenSong]

In the Quiet Morning (For Janis Joplin)
By Joan Baez, 1972

In the quiet morning
There was much despair
And in the hours that followed
No one could repair

That poor girl
Tossed by the tides of misfortune
Barely here to tell her tale
Rolled in on a sea of disaster
Rolled out on a mainline rail

She once walked right at my side
I'm sure she walked by you
Her striding steps could not deny
Torment from a child who knew

That in the quiet morning
There would be despair
And in the hours that followed
No one could repair

That poor girl
She cried out her song so loud
It was heard the whole world round
A symphony of violence
The great southwest unbound

la laa laa laa la la la laa laa
la laa laa laa la la laa laa
la laa laa laa la la la laa laa
la la la laa laa
la la la laa

In the quiet morning
There was much despair
And in the hours that followed
No one could repair

That poor girl
Tossed by the tides of misfortune
Barely here to tell her tale
Rolled in on a sea of disaster
Rolled out on a mainline rail


Julie, I miss you my friend, my sister. And I love you. Do you remember meeting Janis in July of 1970? Say "hi" to her for me. We saw a lot, my friend, in those turbulent times....

[Jackiejdajda]

I thank you for sharing Raven..
What you wrote about your friend is something I will not forget..
Addiction gets the best people.. sometimes..

We had a friend die on his bike.. He was at our home and drinking and I sent him away.. I did not want him there in the daytime drinking scotch..
He crashed his bike.. and died..
He had asked us for money and I said no..

I will always think of me saying to him “Go home.”

Those days took our friends.. I can remember more than a few.. one fellow took acid all the time one summer and he ended up jumping off a bridge.. and died..

When I knew Janey in the nineties she reminded me of a woman that was a prostitute and an ex heroin addict.. She used to post on a recovery forum on CompuServe.. One Janey and I belonged to..
This women was a very wise women.. She had aids.. and she is a woman I will never forget..

Would it be best for a birthmother to know that her baby daughter, who she relinquished for a better life, grew up to be a heroin addict and prostitute? That she died an unpleasant, painful death? That she was this incredible person with so much potential who got caught up in a horrible addiction? That she always knew her birthmom made an enormous sacrifice in order for her to have a better life? That she loved so many people and was loved by so many people...that she was the most spiritual person I've ever known? I just can't figure it out....

Her wish was for you to contact her birthmother.. That is what she wanted.. No blame that you could not do it at the time she was so very ill.. You did not know what was going to happen.. no blame there..
I did not know Bobby was going to crash on his bike..

I say contact her.. The woman lived through those years she may understand..

Jackie

[RavenSong]

Jackie, I read your words and I'm weeping. You have to understand one thing...I do not cry. I stopped crying the day that I signed my son's relinquishment papers. But here I am with tears running down my cheeks.

Do you really think I should contact Julie's birthmom? I don't want her to judge Julie by her heroin addiction. Julie was so much more than just a junkie. She was a living, breathing, vibrant human being. She was a kid who had the most wonderful sense of hope, of understanding, of love for all the underdogs in this life.

She was a beautiful woman, even with the tracks running down her arms and, in later years, her neck. She was my friend.

I just don't know if it would be a kindness at this point in time to let her mother know what happened to her. Her mom has to be around 70 or 71 years old by now. Would it be kinder for her to believe in the myth that we were all taught to believe in? Or would it be better for her know the real, true daughter she gave up?

[txrnr]

Raven,

Would you have to mention the addiction? Would it not be possible to say your friend was suffering from necrotizing faciitis, and shared that had found her birthmother.

I'd tell her all the other wonderful things about Julie. If she asked about addictions, then I wouldn't lie, but at this point, I don't see what good it would do to tell her mother unless asked. As an adoptee, I wouldn't go in guns blazing and reaveal everything about myself to my bmom. Some information takes trust and time to come out.

Those are just my thoughts, and I may be way off center. If Julie were still alive, then I'd think different. If you were dealing with children who Julie relinquished, then they would have a need to know. I'm not sure a woman who may have suffered enough NEEDS to know her daughter fought this horrible disease.

Good luck, and your friend sounds like she was a lovely person. You two were lucky to have each other.

[jrainbow]

Raven,
Your story of your friend touched my heart. You write so well - Julie just leaps off the page, her pain and her laughter.

You are right, it is a tough call. But I think that I agree with Jackie - it is better to know. You can show her that her daughter was loved, still loved, and the joyful things in her life. You can minimize the horrible results of the addiction. Since it was an addiction, there was nothing she could have done about it but she will get to know the rest of the story - the story of Julie.

An adopted friend met her bmom, literally on her deathbed (she died the next day). She was glad she knew.

Peace,
Jill

[Janeytwo]

Dear Raven,

First and very foremost - my sympathy to you in the loss of your dearest friend Julie. 11 years may have passed but as I've learned in my short stay on this earth, time does not matter in the loss of loved ones. The pain may be only an echo at times. Yet at others, some small reminder will trigger the pain and then it rages.

I would like to say that of all the posts I've read in the little time I've been here in this forum, this one is the most human and honest I have ever come across and I thank you for sharing it.

If it's okay, I'd like to address your question first because, ironically enough, this very thing has haunted me for years. You see, once when I was in my 20's, there was an article in the Free Press. A woman's adopted son had been killed and she was frantically searching for the bmom. She was fighting the State to open the bmom's records and get her information. This is before FOIA. The article was quite long and had (IMO) a semi-hostile slant toward the bmom (though in all honesty that may've been my pain talking there). It also went into great detail on how the amom had suffered (quite understandably) in the loss of her son who had just graduated and was about to enter college.

Yet with the way the article was slanted, I just couldn't help but think too myself at the time, "Why wasn't it important for you to contact her when your son graduated highschool? Or when he made the trackteam? Or when he was accepted to U of M? Why wasn't it important then when the bmom could've celebrated his life instead of now mourning his death?"

I had the feeling that this woman wanted someone to take her grief and suffer it for her. That's how it felt at the time. Now however? Looking back on it? I dunno. This place educates a soul doesn't it? Makes a body grow and learn? And if it doesn't? Well, some people are not meant to awaken I guess. I just pray I'm not ever one of them.

Should you have said something to the bmom? Shouldn't you have? Perhaps that is question with no answer or too many to count. Either way, it would be the choice of Solomon.

Raven, God bless you my friend. It would take a far wiser "man" that I to answer such a thing but I do know that only an extremely compassionate human being would ask themselves the question in the first place. You are one hell of a "man" yourself.

As for addiction as Jackie said, we have both known a woman who was, IMO, one of the most courageous, most human souls ever to grace my life. An ex addict/ex prostitute who had more faith in God than I could hope to muster in ten lifetimes. Do you know I once asked her to be my online sponsor, as the wealth of knowledge she had about returning to sanity was unbelievable. She wrote back saying that she had thought long and hard and had to turn me down. "I'm dying of AIDS, Janey," she said very matter of factly, "And don't know if I'll live long enough to help you which wouldn't be fair."

I think that that is just about the most selfless act I've witnessed.

And it is through her that I would like to respond about addiction. There was once a conference on AIDS (this was right after Ryan White died) that was televised and someone called in to the panel and said that people who have AIDS deserve to die a terrible death because they were immoral to begin with.

Sickening! Those with nothing but contempt for suffering be it through any disease but especially addiction? Well I'm not mature enough to forgive that type, even after 15 years in Al-Anon. Clearly I need another 115 in the program because I find that kind and their contempt reprehensible.

All God's grace to you and to your beloved friend Julie,

Janey

[EZ2Luv]

Raven,
Thank you for sharing your story. I work with heroin addicts and can tell you first hand that addiction has nothing to do with a person being good or bad. Some of the most talented, intelligent, kind souls can fall prey to this illness. It's hard for those who do not understand because when an addict needs a fix they do bad things, but they are not bad people. Your friend Julie was blessed to have a friend like you who was able to see her as the beautiful person she was and look beyond her addiction.

As far as beating yourself up with guilt about no contactng her bmom, Julie told you herself not to trust her because of her addiction so based on that I would say you did the right thing. You probably felt that at the time she was actively using you could not trust her motives for contact. You had no idea her life would be so short, I am positive if you did you would have given her the information.

Now about you now contacting her bmom, Maybe you could share with her the good stuff and happy times you had with Julie and what a fantasik afamily she had. You know, concerntrate on the good stuff. You seem like a pretty rational level headed person so I am sure you will do a great job at communicating with the bmom. This post alone is a wonderful tribute to your friend and even if you only mailed this to bmom she would know her daughter had a happy homelife, was well loved even though l she fell into addiction. I am not suggesting you mail this post, just saying that this posts is so very touching and sincere and heart felt, how could anyone question how much Julie was loved and how much love Julie shared with others.

EZ

[kelceesmom]

Raven,
Your love for your friend is so obvious. I thank you for sharing a little piece of you.

I too know what addiction is like as I lived with it with my ex for over 13 years. I pray that I don't get that one dreaded phone call and have to explain to my daughter at a young age that her daddy is gone.

You loved your friend and her last wish was to find her bmom. I feel that you should contact her and let her know of Julie's passing. She doesn't need to know all the details but should hear of how wonderful she was and what a gift she was to everyone whos life she touched. She only asked this one thing of you in her last days see if you can give her that.

Take care of yourself and thank you for being you.

[Jackiejdajda]

Jackie, I read your words and I'm weeping. You have to understand one thing...I do not cry. I stopped crying the day that I signed my son's relinquishment papers. But here I am with tears running down my cheeks.

When I started crying I went into the basement and howled.. Just howled..
Crying till I could not breathe..

Do you really think I should contact Julie's birthmom? I don't want her to judge Julie by her heroin addiction. Julie was so much more than just a junkie. She was a living, breathing, vibrant human being. She was a kid who had the most wonderful sense of hope, of understanding, of love for all the underdogs in this life.

Yes..

She was a beautiful woman, even with the tracks running down her arms and, in later years, her neck. She was my friend.

There but for the grace of God go I..

I smoked opium once.. I will never forget that taste and that smell and the colors..
And I wanted it again..
And I stayed away..
I know how one can get involved in that drug..

I just don't know if it would be a kindness at this point in time to let her mother know what happened to her. Her mom has to be around 70 or 71 years old by now. Would it be kinder for her to believe in the myth that we were all taught to believe in? Or would it be better for her know the real, true daughter she gave up?

I am 65 years on this earth.. soon to be 66 in September..
My mind is more into learning about life than it ever has been..
Seventy year old women are into a time of their life when they have learned such a lot.. know such a lot.

And you can play it by ear.. see how she is.. if she is shut down and closed in she will not let you in with your information or will be able to block it instantly.. and what is the point of telling the horrible things..

Janey I wept when I read your post..
I got to go and do my watercolor.. trace the lines.. paint in the color..

Ezlove.. I am so glad you are here.. you have such wisdom..

Jackie

[BrockBaby]

Would it be kinder for her to believe in the myth that we were all taught to believe in? Or would it be better for her know the real, true daughter she gave up?

Raven, those are some very good questions. You told us yourself that she had wonderful parents. That she was in a loving, compassionate household. That is what her bmom would have wanted. She made a bad choice, by experimenting with drugs, and unfortunately she had the disease that made her a true addict to it. This had nothing to do with the life her parents gave her...this is something that could have happened regardless of her adoption status. Being placed for adoption, does not mean that our lives are going to be problem free. We are all human, and things happen. I would think that her bmom would understand that. I am going to "throw something" out here....could it be that because you are a bmom as well, that there is a part of you that doesn't want to have to face the fact that placing your child doesn't guarentee that child the perfect life. Afterall, that is what was told to so many young girls who placed. Place your baby, and everything will be okay. I guess they weren't thinking that that baby was it's own person...and would have their own personality...their own issues....and that they couldn't guarentee that to anyone. I hope that Julie's bmom can see that she is not responsible for what happened to her, nor could she have prevented it. Afterall, you all LOVED Julie, and would NEVER have "allowed" this to happen, if you had any power over it!!!

I say, contact Julie's bmom. It is better for her to know the REAL TRUE daughter she gave up. Julie was NOT her addiction. Julie was beauty, life, laughter, and all those qualities that attracted people to her. I don't think that you have to share ALL about her struggle with addiction, especially if the bmom doesn't ask about it. Sometimes we can't share EVERYTHING, because the person couldn't really handle it. I don't think that you have to lie...but you don't have to paint it for all it was. Does that make sense?! I think all moms want to know that their child was loved, adored, and successful. Julie was all of that...because she lived..because she touched lives...because she is living on in you and the others that knew her!!!

[TxMom65]

The way you write about her, I saw her in my mind as a person who was loved by many people. Not an addict.

I think that if you decide to contact her bmom, a letter that is similar to what you wrote would be wonderful. Of course it would be painful but would let her know that she was thinking of her in the end. It might answer some questions for her.
That is just my opinion and may totally be the wrong thing to do.

[nilesgirl]

Ravensong, what a tragic and beautiful story about your friend. There are people that come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts..Julie seems to be one of those people. jrainbow was right...the way you tell the story of your friend leaps off the page and gives us a vividly clear picture of Julie...body, mind and soul. I'm so sorry for your loss of such a special friend to such a tragic addiction. You've definitly educated me.

Since you are also a birthmom...I guess you have to ask yourself...What would you want to know if Julie had been your daughter??? You strike me as an introspective soul....I think with the thoughts and viewpoints given here and your own instincts....you'll know exactly what to do. IMO...everything happens for a reason...maybe divine intervention is inspiring you and calling you to do this now.

[RavenSong]

After reading all the wonderful responses on this thread, it suddenly dawned on me that my very own dear son was the same age as Julie was when he became hooked on crystal methamphetamine. My little guy was 18 years old, and strung out as you can get. And now I realize why I'm having trouble responding to birthmoms of young adults on these forums with severe behavior problems. I cannot for the life of me chime in with the usual refrain of "set your boundaries; don't let them treat you this way".

I honestly did not see the connection until today. Now I can see that much of my patience with my son came from knowing and loving Julie. And, Julie, I love you for this. I know you feel that you didn't make a difference in this life, but my dearest friend, you did make a difference in your godson's life. He has been clean and sober for almost 15 years now, Julie. He has the love of ALL his parents, both adoptive and birth. And I know you're proud of him....