[erikamarie]

speaking as a reunited adoptee. The one thing that i hate my bmom for is taking me away from my siblings. i am the middle child and meeting my brother and sister now is amazing, however, i come home and cry sometimes because I missed so much. When I first talked to my little sister I talked to her for 5 hours on the phone. There were moments that were silent because what do you say to your sibling who you have not known your entire life. My brother and I have this saying, "We should have 18 years worth of conversation but I cant think of anything". We say this on almost every conversation we have.

I know this is probably not helping much. Even though I hate the fact that I missed so much growing up with my siblings, and I feel guilty about leaving them when they needed me, i wouldn't trade being adopted for anything. I love my parents and everyone else in my afamily. I feel bad that my siblings had to grow up with a drug addict for a mother and an alcoholic father, but getting to know them now is so unbelievably emotional that I don't know how to explain it. If I was not adopted I probably would not have even met any one in my afamily.

So to some it all up. I do hate the fact that I had to grow up with out my bsiblings, and I thought about them often (especially in middle school and high school), but being adopted has given me a whole other family. Now I have two crazy families that I love to death andI would do anything for any one of them.

I really hope this helps some how. This is just my experiance. It is different for everyone.
~Erika

[Gwen Berndt]

I would be flat-out FURIOUS if my birthparents were happily married, with two older kids they're parenting, and they gave me up for adoption. FURIOUS, rejected and very very hurt. I don't think I'd ever get over it. There's financial aid available these days for people who need it.

On the other hand, even if I found out that this was the case with my adoption (it isn't, I'm more the standard closed-era variety) I'd still love my adoptive parents. I DO love my adoptive parents very very much, I think they're great people and I couldn't have asked for more. My love for them has absolutely nothing to do with the feelings I have about being adopted. The adoptive family and the birth family are like apples and oranges, two totally different things. One can't make up for the hurt the other has caused.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by erikamarie

speaking as a reunited adoptee. The one thing that i hate my bmom for is taking me away from my siblings.~Erika

I worry about this with both of my girls. Maire-Kate was her birthmom's 4th child. Birthmom was living with her mother but it was Grandma who was raising the older kids. She didn't tell anyone she was pregnant and left M-K in the hospital a few hours after birth. She was adamant that no one ever find out. I have no information at all-except her age, race, the ages and sex of the other children and some basic health info.
When Maire-Kate asked about her birthmom, she asked if she ever had other babies and I said "Yes. She had three other babies." Maire-Kate was about five years old at the time. She said "You mean I have brothers & sisters?!". I didn't think Maire-Kate would even think about the relationship side of it (being brothers/sisters) at that age so I was really surprised. I always stress that her birthmom really loved her and cried and cried when she signed the relinquishment because it was a really hard decision. I don't ever want her to feel that she wasn't good enough to keep.

With Hanna, birthmom has two older kids. So it will be a similar situation when she's old enough to ask questions.


In both adoptions, drug addiction was a huge problem which would have prevented them from parenting even if they wanted to keep the baby. CPS would have gotten involved and the baby would have ended up in foster care or with family.

[kune]

Gwen Berndt

The adoptive family and the birth family are like apples and oranges, two totally different things. One can't make up for the hurt the other has caused.

I find statements like this defamatory. Your aparents have given you what they could throughout your childhood because they were able to. You were probably born to a mother who, because of circumstances, was unable to. Does that make them different? I don't think so. They both have wanted the best for you. They both are part of who you are today - one through genes, the other by experience and deeds. I'd even go as far as saying they both did what they did out of love - one needing someone else to parent their precious child and the other needing to adopt a child to complete a family.

One is not better or worse.....they both did the best they could do ........for you........at that time.

In life there are many ways you can be hurt. I personally would be very hurt if my bson felt like you did. Luckily for me he is understanding and can rationalise that regardless of how he entered the world, he had the choice to make a good life for himself or to hold someone else responsible for the hard times he creates. It's in your hards Gwen....you can be happy or resentful.

Ann

[Gwen Berndt]

Hi Ann,

I don't think you quite understood what I was getting at. I love my adoptive parents, and I know they love me. They are not responsible for any of the hurt I feel about having been adopted. That hurt is similar to what most adoptees feel; it is not resentment towards my birthmother. I believe she did the only thing she could do, and that she believed it was the best thing for me and for her.

My "apples and oranges" comment is because I really do see my birthparents and my adoptiveparents as two totally different, separate groups of people. My adoptive Mom and Dad are the people who raised me, loved me, gave me guidance, and dried my occasional tears - and so I love them and they're very important to me.

To be truthful, I don't give a lot of thought to my birthfather - I have neither positive or negative feelings for him. My birthmother, though - she's the very reason I am on this planet. I would not be here if it weren't for her. 50% of my genes are hers. Although she hasn't replied to me at this point, I have seen a photo, I look just like her, and we're in similar professions. She is my genetic connection to the world, she is my history and my roots. So, she is very important to me, and I feel as if I have always loved her even though we are strangers.

So, apples and oranges. They're totally different from each other, and yet, they're both important to me. My search for, my NEED to know my birthmother and my roots, has absolutely nothing to do with my adoptive parents.

I hope this post is more clear, I would hate to think that anyone thinks I'm resentful or angry. After all, I've used my real name here and I have nothing to hide.

If you were really referring to the part at the top of my other post where I said I'd be furious if I found out that my birthparents were happily married and were parenting their first 2 children and gave me up, well, I would be furious. That's not my situation, though. It's an answer to someone else's question asking adoptees how they'd feel if that was their situation.

[kune]

Thanks for the explanation Gwen - that certainly clarifies your post.

Ann

[susieloo]

I'm with Ann on this one. Financial hardship is a predominant reason in many relinquishments. I bought a lottery ticket everyweek I carried my daughter so I could afford to raise her...needless to say my numbers never came up!! However, had I struck it lucky and won I could have, and would have turned around to the whole horrid moral brigade and said get stuffed, I CAN keep my child and NO ONE would have been able to scare me into it! Infact I have likened it to the story of Robin Hood...except he took from the rich to give to the poor. Adoption to me felt like robbing from the poor to give to the rich.
I hope I am not offending anyone here...but if the predominant interest is the childs welfare why can't the child be supported in its own family enviroment. Why does it have to be about ownership..( to me thats what signing papers is about!). There is much love to give without ownership.
I too think this could be setting the child up for alot of confusion and anger!
Just my thoughts
susie

[susieloo]

Does no one have any feed back on the issue I raised in the prior post?
I thought I may have challenged or provoked some comment. Remember this is my opinion. I am open minded enough to have it challenged.
I can only assume why at this stage, and I could be way off the mark. Have my comments hit home? Are they too close to the core of adoption? Do they make us look too closely as to whose benefit adoption really is?
Or is it none of the above?
Interested....Susie

[BrandyHagz]

I too think this could be setting the child up for alot of confusion and anger!

Not all adoptees are 'confused and angry' - in fact, the only time I get 'angry' is when people try to tell me how I should feel, simply because I'm adopted.

[athikers]

I come at adoption from the angle of foster parenting and from my side of the coin, finances play a part, but there are OFTEN many other things happening. I don't think anyone can say what is or is not a "good enough" reason to give up your child. Yes, its difficult to explain that a child's parents could not afford to keep them, but it IS a valid reason to reliquish. If you keep your child and can't afford to do so... then perhaps you can't pay your rent or keep your heat on or put food on the table... so perhaps your neighbor calls and says "the kids next door are freezing and not being fed" and then social services comes in and tries to help and if they try but don't succeed then possibly ALL the children are removed from the only home they've ever known.

So, maybe, just maybe they are doing what's best right now for their WHOLE family.

[susieloo]

good to see more responses.
Brandy I know all adoptees are not all confused or angry. My own bdaughter is a very well balanced girl and our relationship goes from strength to strength. Its probably me thats more confused!!!
However its more the situation whereby the adopted child finds out that the first two siblings had been kept by bparents and not them. Do you not think that could cause some of the " Why am I not good enough?" feelings?
I would never assume all will feel this way, infact until I came onto these forums I had no idea there was so much unhappiness out there. I based my assumptions on my experience. Thats why its so cool to get others thoughts ,feelings, and experiences.
I still do not see why, if the welfare of the child is paramount, that ownership comes into it.
When I became pregnant with my last child, very not planned, I cried for 10weeks because of our financial situation. It scared me to pieces. I remember my mother saying ( trying to cheer me up) never mind, its just a baby! This made me sadder still as my immediate thought was " Why couldn't she have said that when I was pregnant with my birthdaughter, as opposed to the " What will everyone think" scenario.
Oh yes, thats right, I had an all important man with my last child.( sorry, a touch of sarcasm there)
Happy ending here though...we did grovel, and our bathroom is still pitsville, and our furniture is a good mix of hand me downs and second hand...but I have the most beautiful son I could ever wish for. And I still say that as he just turns 15!
and yes athikers it can be a valid reason to relinquish...when no one else offers to support! Why can't the neighbour, if they are so worried 'bring over some blankets'. Hypothetically of course!
What is our society thinking.
yes i am an idealist...but aim for 100 and we will at least get 50. aim for 5O and we won't get much!
Anyway...all good stuff to chew over
susie

[belleinblue1978]

I have four older brothers and an older sister that my mother parented. Yes they are full siblings, my father died while my mother was pregnant with me. I am the placed one. Yeah I had alot of why wasn't I good enough feelings. I worked through them, but that doesn't say that I wasn't angry for a long, long time.

[susieloo]

belleinblue thank you for your post. I did wonder if I was barking up the wrong tree about this. I think we have to make some generalizations, but even generalizations come from some substance.
If you were born in 78 you are very close in age to my birthdaughter.
I am so glad you have worked through you feelings now.
Susie.

[Luvablet]

I am 26 years and met my bmother last september. I am a hurting adoptee. I was the 4 and last child and the only child that was given away. I was my bmother secret no one knew about me until 29-09-07 when I found her. One of the things that hurt the worst is that i live on a small island 266 square miles population of 250000, and not once did my bmother look for me. When I met her she said how hard it was for her she was dirt poor she had 4 children by the age of 21. At first I felt bad for hating her all this time but after meeting her she really has no excuse for not looking for me. I grew up always knowing I was adopted I always felt different, I never felt any bond with my aparents. For most of my life I never wanted to meet my bmother and I am not happier since I met her. Is something wrong with me? I have very little desire to know her or my siblings I feel detached from her just like I do with my aparents.
I would say to all you bmothers at least make the attempt to meet your child it will pay off in the long run.

[Jackalope43]

YES it does matter! My birth mother kept my 3 oldest brothers and place me up for adoption. I have always felt that you don't have 4 and keep 3 and will never understand why she couldn't keep me to. She always said she was in the process of a divorce from my birth father and that she could barely feed the 3 she kept. NO EXCUSES!!! If you can feed 3 you can feed 4. I am very hurt and bitter over this. I hope this helps!!!!