[NYLM]

Of all the mental queries I've ever posed to myself. One never ceases to retire. Why was I the only one of 6 children that my mother had given away?

She raised my BB & BS with some help from her mother (my grandma). So I was just the straw the broke her maternal back? This wasn't a "I was 16 and scared song and dance". My birthmom was in her 30's. Dangit.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhh

[fauxgina]

Were you her first child? That may change the situation a bit. Even if she was of the right age to be a mature mother, perhaps she wasn't ready for motherhood, and unfortunately, that spelled adoption for you. Do you know any of the circumstances surrounding your relinquishment or adoption? Was she married or single when she had you? Could she have been raped? What did her parents think of her pregnancy? These could all be factors in your being given up, while her other children may have come along at a "better time." That's a terrible phrase, but I can't think of a better way to put it--sorry.

[NYLM]

Fauxgina,

I understand what you're saying but I've asked myself all those question.

1. She was single when she had all her kids.
2. I am the youngest of her 6 kids
3. When she married her husband they never had any kids I was 12 and the rest of her kids were 18+
4. She wasn't raped
5. Her mother had a hefty hand in raising my bro/sis

Soooo this is why I'm led to contstantly ask "why me". I finally did ask my mom. She never really answered me...just blew a very heavy sigh. I guess 5 kids was already enough mouths to feed...

[SuddenlySusan]

Hi, NYLM...

I didn't read in your post how old you were when you were adopted, or whether your bgramma helped with all of your bsibs, or just two of them. Also, not sure how long you have been in reunion. I think it matters how long you've been in reunion... I know for myself (as a first mom), it is taking awhile for me to express myself. Some things are painful and just take time.

I have a friend who placed her middle child. She lived in another state at the time, but I remember being taken aback by her decision. Her story goes something like this: She had her 1st daughter at age 17, single and still in high school. After school, when her DD was about 2 y/o, she had a miscarriage. She married and had her 2nd DD about a year or so later. They moved to another state and she had her first son, who died of SIDS. Her marriage was lousy. She got pregnant and had another son, whom she placed for adoption. She got divorced, and got pregnant again, and had twin boys, one of whom also died of SIDS. Her entire life has been a hard road. I feel for her if/when she reunites, and the son she placed asks her that same question: why me? I think it will take her some time to be able to even talk about the pain in her life, as she does not discuss it now.

I don't know if that helps, but that is one woman's story of how she came to place her middle son... his birth followed closely the death of her first son, while she was in an extremely troubled marriage. After I found and reunited with my son via this web site, I asked her a question about her placement, and she was not ready or willing to discuss it.

Perhaps with time, your first mother will be able to talk about the events in her life, and share her experiences with you.

Best wishes,
Susan

[fauxgina]

What a thoughtful, heartfelt post, Susan. I hope it helps you, NYLM.

It does sound like your birthmother is struggling with her own pain for the time being, like you are. "Why me?" is a terrible question to have to ask yourself, and to not have that question answered once in reunion with the one person who could tell you... that must be tough. People don't take children lightly, though, and maybe it will help to think that whatever her reasons for relinquishing you and not any others, she did it for you. That doesn't take your experiences away, and it doesn't unfeel all the feelings associated with being given up... but there is a reason, and even if it's not what you're hoping for, it was a good one for your bmom at the time. I hope patience will win out over self-pity and you can get the answers you want and deserve.

[NYLM]

Thanks Faux & Susan

I'm in no means hosting my own Pity Party -- waste of time. What I am though is worried about WHY my birthmom won't say why. I guess I'm insecure that something might be wrong with me. I went right up that mental alley that Susan suggested and started seriously considering if I was a bi-product of rape. So far nothing has materialized.

I've told her that I loved her and hugged her during our reunion (May/07), to which she didn't really reciprocate but that's the way I feel and I ought to let her know.

I'm afraid that she's kept silent so long that she's vowed never to re-visit the situation again. It worries me that she feels this way,b/c it must be eating her up as well.

[amitola]

Hi..I just started posting this am after a reunion of 4 yrs and a recent..cease communication with 2 biological sisters...I was the oldest and shortly after giving me up she got pregnant with my sister..I always felt growing up that I was the one hard done by...(was abused ect) but after reunion..i see that the ripple effect on the rest of the kids and family was terrible..the psychological pathology that was left has crippled not only my now deceased birthmom but the siblings as well..even when we get the answers..it doesnt stop the questions and pain..my heart goes out to you..each participant is on their own journey in this life..you need to look after yourself..and be gentle with your heart and mind..as i see now..sometimes ..it just is..no answers..

[SuddenlySusan]

We don't always have the answers here, but sometimes the right questions can help in the dialogue...

I am wondering how long you were in communication before your face-to-face reunion in May 07? Who found who? What steps have you taken to prepare yourself for reunion, i.e., have you read any books on the subject, etc?

In my own situation, I communicated with my son for six months via email before we met for our first face-to-face. During that time, I read these books: "The Girls Who Went Away", "The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide" and "Primal Wound." I also read a lot on the internet, as well as these forums.

It appears that the one who initiates contact must be the one who exercises the most patience. Are you able to give her the time she needs to open up to you? I hope so...you may find that it was worth waiting for.

In the meanwhile, hang in there and keep an open mind and an open heart. Keep reading, and keep posting.

Peace,
Susan

[krielly]

NYLM,
Maybe your birthmom hasn't answered "why"........because she sees it more as seeking an excuse........rather than a question.
Maybe she doesn't feel she has a "good enough" answer for you, as she feels there is no possible answer would make things ok...........just a thought

[alinev]

I am an amom of two very young boys, full bio brothers. I also have a bio son in between. Maybe I am naive, but presently I am most concerned not about my children having a longing for their bmom, I can handle that, but about any "survivor guilt" they might feel.

Story in a nutshell, both bmom and bdad had children from previous realtionships, bmom had custody of son, bdad did not. Had dd together, got pregnant with my oldest, put baby up for adoption as bdad is on his way to prison. Within a year they are pregnant again put the baby up for adoption bdad back in jail, couple breaks up.

We have a semi open adoption sending photos etc. We will certainly know they are adopted and we will provide them with all info as we know it. We will also encourage them to meet their family if they are interested or if family is interested in them. My concern, bmom continues to make choices that will likely leave she and her children in a difficult place. I worry about how are my boys going to feel if their siblings have had terribly difficult lives? Will they feel like the ones who "got out"? This is not about material things but questionable friends, questionable behavior, etc. I met my boys siblings and they are amazing and I know their mom LOVES them but she is still, I believe, heading down a bad path with little or no real support system.

Does this make any sense?